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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that my dd hasn't been invited to a b'day party?

97 replies

Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 16:32

I know there've been posts before about this happening and every time I've read them I've always thought how awful it is for the poor child and parent affected but now that it's happening to my sweet innocent 6 year old dd I feel really upset and need advice on how to deal with it.

I'm a bit of an outsider mum anyway and I admit I very rarely get involved with the social life that goes on around and outside the school gates and this may be why I've inadvertently affected my dd as she doesn't get invited to as many play dates or group things as the other girls in her little group of friends do in her class. This group of 7 or 8 girls are going to be picked up after school on Friday to go to the party and my dd will have to watch them all go off while she comes home with me and it breaks my heart :-( I know this won't be the first time it'll happen and it's something unfortunately that we all have to harden ourselves to in life...being excluded for no known reason by what you thought was your friend. So what nuggets of wisdom can I tell her that will not make her feel like there's something wrong with her? And how can I harden my skin to what feels like the worst thing ever? I have a feeling that the reason I feel so torn up about it is that this was an ongoing problem for me during my years at school and it made my natural introversion turn almost into a hermit like outsider as an adult.

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 04/05/2017 16:42

You tell her that not everyone can go to every party.
You do not make it a big deal (at this age the DC don't tend to unless you do).

And maybe you suggest she invites a friend to tea?

Crumbs1 · 04/05/2017 16:43

RedSky has it exactly.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/05/2017 16:44

Is it one of her best friends having the party?

Name12345 · 04/05/2017 16:45

Red sky has it.
Maybe invite some children for play dates, other mums are likely to reciprocate.

Yanbu to be upset, but yabu if you think all dcs go to all parties.
Lots of unmumsnetty hugs to you and DC Flowers

giantpurplepeopleeater · 04/05/2017 16:47

YABU I'm afraid.

It wouldn't surprise me if it barely registers for your DD beyond the moment when she may notice them going.

Kids need to gtown amd make their own relationships. Not everyone will get pm with everyone and we shouldnt force that on kids. And some kids are happy to be less involved.

Relax and let your DD find her own place in the class. And yes, maybe see if there sare certain people she wants to invite over.

WyfOfBathe · 04/05/2017 16:49

YABU. It's one thing if she's the only girl in the class not invited, but it sounds like only a few are going. Not everyone can be invited to every party.

LittleIda · 04/05/2017 16:52

How do you know about the party? Usually people try to be a bit discreet about giving out invitations in front of uninvited kids but it sounds like these people haven't been if you know about it.

carolinescustard · 04/05/2017 16:53

My son had to watch the whole class minus him go to a Birthday party after school.
Party Mom arranged it that way , as for some unbeknown reason she'd taken a dislike to me!
This was in rural America - l very much doubt you'd get away with it here.
All the party goers were lined up against the wall, my son had to stay in his chair!!!
I collected him from his classroom to see the cruelty with my own eyes.
He was just six.

LittleIda · 04/05/2017 16:56

Some mums in dd's class held a joint party and put party hats on the invited kids in front of the non invited kids as they waited to be picked up in year 1. Some people don't have a clue.

Original poster
Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 16:56

I haven't spoken to my dd about it as she has not mentioned it to me. I only found out from one of the mums whose dd has been invited.

You are all completely right and Thank you for pearls of wisdom ;-) I know in my sensible rational mind that it's no biggie and this is just the beginning of the road to many more types of worse rejection. It's the hurt of all my own past rejections at school rearing their ugly heads and trying to project themselves onto my dd. And yes I admit I'm wondering why this particular mum has decided to exclude my dd and yes I'm taking it personally.

OP posts:
DonaldStott · 04/05/2017 17:01

I think looking at as as a 'rejection' is really the wrong way to look at it.

As kids get older, parties tend to get smaller.

Not everyone can be invited.

The parent has probably thought we have room enough for 8 and said to the child, you can invite 8 friends.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/05/2017 17:07

There's also the possibility her invite has got lost.

Original poster
Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 17:09

Dd hasn't been invited to every party in her class and I don't expect her to either. It's just in this case that they are all girls in her group of friends that she plays with every day that's the reason I'm more upset about it.

@carolinecustard - how awful :-(
And I know it happens all the time and in many a worse way...it's the irrational emotion coming to the fore and wishing to protect our kids from hurtful things happening to them. It's a bugger this parenting lark!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 17:09

Dd noticed everything. She was excluded by a mother, whose dd was besties with my dd until things were said at home and she refused to play with mine for 6 months. My dd was only 5 when this kicked off, 6 when the invite went out. I took her out that day to build a bear because her heart was broken and spent the money we would have spent on a present.

If your dd doesn't notice, fine. If she does, take her out somewhere for a treat if you are able. And definitely you will need to get involved in play dates if you want your dd to be remembered more. I'm not in the clique btw. It really is a case of a set number of kids for certain activities and for other parties such as roller skating, parents can invite more.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 04/05/2017 17:11

I would get texting right now and get a couple of kids and mums over for a prosecco play date on the same day... Wink

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 17:12

Caroline - disgusting behaviour. I'm getting rage toward this mother much like the mother, who made up a story to her 6 yr old and ruined the friendship - although I'm so pleased she's got friends with kinder parents.

chocatoo · 04/05/2017 17:12

You have my sympathy. Make sure you take DD for a nice treat. Don't mention the party unless she does and if so, play it down...could even say, well you wouldn't have been able to go anyway because we have xyz coming over/doing something special...whatever reason!

Corialanusburt · 04/05/2017 17:12

How many other girls in the class didn't get an invite to is party? If all girls went except your DD then that's mean. If a group went but several others didn't, then not so mean.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/05/2017 17:13

I wouldn't view it as your fault. As your dd gets older she'll get invited to friend's parties regardless of whether you're pally with the parents.

If you are quite introverted and don't enjoy socialising in big groups (nothing wrong with that) then it maybe that your dd is the same. She might not even enjoy a big party with lots of other children?

Inviting a friend over for tea or to play sounds like an excellent idea. Playdates are usually reciprocated once the ball is rolling.

MadMags · 04/05/2017 17:13

Why did the other mum tell you?!

It would have been far better for you not to have known!

weeblueberry · 04/05/2017 17:13

Is she the only girl who's not been invited? Are they very close?

I can't see answers to this and they're quite important points. If they rarely play with each other at school it makes sense she wouldn't go I'm afraid. If there's only room for X people the birthday girl is only going to invite the X number of people she's closest to surely...?

Corialanusburt · 04/05/2017 17:13

Btw, my DD has social anxiety meaning that she rarely speaks to anyone in the class. She has been to no parties this year. We're hardened to it now.

Lemonnaise · 04/05/2017 17:14

I wouldn't mention it unless your DD does. If she does mention it and gets upset can you arrange a nice treat for her, even something small.

carolinescustard That is absolutely disgusting to do that to a child, just awful. In my DDs school, the kids are not allowed to give out party invitations unless it's for the whole class and the teacher gives them out.

WyfOfBathe · 04/05/2017 17:15

I admit I'm wondering why this particular mum has decided to exclude my dd and yes I'm taking it personally.

I don't think she is excluding your DD. Not being included in everything doesn't = being excluded, in my opinion.

We invited about 10 of DD's classmates to her birthday party. It's what we could afford and what I could manage while heavily pregnant. I had nothing against the other 20 DC in her class, or against their parents.

Booshbeesh · 04/05/2017 17:16

We have this problem going on at the very min. My DD has been invited her very good friend who she has over for tea on occasion hasn't been. And im in two minds weather to send my dD because this other little girl is abit of madam and is quite often influencing others to "not speak to her because she isn't In the girl group"

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