Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To feel upset that my dd hasn't been invited to a b'day party?

97 replies

Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 16:32

I know there've been posts before about this happening and every time I've read them I've always thought how awful it is for the poor child and parent affected but now that it's happening to my sweet innocent 6 year old dd I feel really upset and need advice on how to deal with it.

I'm a bit of an outsider mum anyway and I admit I very rarely get involved with the social life that goes on around and outside the school gates and this may be why I've inadvertently affected my dd as she doesn't get invited to as many play dates or group things as the other girls in her little group of friends do in her class. This group of 7 or 8 girls are going to be picked up after school on Friday to go to the party and my dd will have to watch them all go off while she comes home with me and it breaks my heart :-( I know this won't be the first time it'll happen and it's something unfortunately that we all have to harden ourselves to in life...being excluded for no known reason by what you thought was your friend. So what nuggets of wisdom can I tell her that will not make her feel like there's something wrong with her? And how can I harden my skin to what feels like the worst thing ever? I have a feeling that the reason I feel so torn up about it is that this was an ongoing problem for me during my years at school and it made my natural introversion turn almost into a hermit like outsider as an adult.

OP posts:

Firenight · 05/05/2017 12:21

It's pretty crap when you have a boy whose friends are all girls and then they have girls only parties.

user1493022461 · 05/05/2017 12:47

It hurts like hell for you to see them excluded

Only if you choose to see it that way, and choose for it to bother you.

Or you could be a grown up and realise that its just a party and means nothing.

MiaowTheCat · 05/05/2017 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493022461 · 05/05/2017 13:30

Only if you've been taught to see it that way, by a parent who should know better.
When my children don't get invited to a party, they barely notice. Because they've been taught that they can't expect to go to every party and they go to enough, and that no-one has to invite them. And that parties don't matter in the scheme of things.
They are sunny, happy little people. Why would you want to encourage your children to feel bad, and call people who don't do so "insensitive witches"? What is the point? Sounds pretty shitty to me.

Kennethwasmyfriend · 05/05/2017 14:37

I think it's easier to shrug off not being invited if you do get "enough" invitations of your own though. If you don't get invited to any of them that's going to hurt.

Thomasina76 · 05/05/2017 14:37

You must have the skin of a rhinosaurus user. Lucky you if you can go through life without these things bothering you. Your kids may not notice but others certainly do - I think it's pretty unusual for a child to barely notice if they are the only one not invited to a party. And yes, parents who do this are insensitive.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 05/05/2017 15:00

Another angle here, do you know for certain that the mum of the party girl knows who all her friends are (in order to invite them?). One of my DC seems to be determined not to give me any info on who they play with at school, so if there was no mention of your DD from party girl, combined with no play dates then maybe the mum doesn't know that they play together every day?

mummymummums · 05/05/2017 19:54

Well said Thomasina. Anyone with an ounce of sensitivity would feel hurt if they were obviously left out by good friends. That is normal behaviour. I like having sensitive happy little people, not raising unfeeling children who couldn't give a stuff and will repeat the insensitivities of their parents. My children, fortunately, don't dwell on it if they're not invited, and shrug it off well because I just say "oh well, you know how it is, they probably have limited numbers and can't invite everyone". That doesn't mean that looking on as an adult I don't quietly think the behaviour is poor, just because I put the sunny spin on it for the DC. And I can make mental notes of repeat offenders who never reciprocate. My motivation for play dates and parties is for my DC's benefit, but equally it's lovely for them to go to someone else's house or party - I'm always grateful when they do get invited, but if it's not reciprocated I won't keep running into that brick wall. Plenty more fish etc who do reciprocate/ have manners.

user1493022461 · 05/05/2017 19:57

Sensitivity for things that matter here, thanks, if you want to raise entitled snowflakes who can't handle not being the centre of everything thats your choice, but don't assume the rest of us are like you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2017 20:04

It's got nothing to do with "entitled snowflakes". It's about belonging and being part of a group and the acknowledgement of such.

mummymummums · 05/05/2017 20:11

Nope - my children are the least entitled snowflakes you could meet. You'll have to trust me on that. But thankfully they have hearts and yes, if they are excluded from something, they come home a little quiet and dejected - like 95% of children, or adults, would. I brush it off and they forget about it. I'm hardly talking about devastation, night long tears, and weeks of depression - I'm talking mild and v temporary dejection. It'd be an unusually thick skinned child to be not at all bothered in even a small way by not being invited to a party by a good friend, when everyone else is, I'm sure everyone would agree.

mummymummums · 05/05/2017 20:12

Quite Mummydragon

AlexanderHamilton · 05/05/2017 20:13

I feel for you op.

When dd was in primary her class was quite small there were about 11/12 girls in the class & they split into two distinct friendship groups. Dd's friendship group was a group of 6 girls.

Several times dd would be the only one out of this group of 6 not invited to an event. it was very upsetting for her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2017 20:22

I agree mummymum. My dd has a heart too. It's a good thing.

user1493022461 · 05/05/2017 20:31

Yeah my children are robots clearly, no hearts. The fact that they don't cry and whine about not going to a party, egged on by a parent showing their own insecurities off is a bad thing.

Not. Get a grip. Your kid will be invited to even less parties once people realise you're one of *those parents^

mummymummums · 05/05/2017 20:44

Who mentioned crying and whining User??? Mild dejection is hardly that. And I clearly said I brush it off. It's all a question of manners, and consideration, and it's obvious where you are on that.
And you're wrong, plenty of invites here for both DC, but that doesn't make me unable to empathise with OP based on the odd occasion it happens. I think we know who's got the children who'll find themselves lacking in invites.

Wishingitwaswarm · 05/05/2017 22:53

I've just had this with my dd. her best friend invited 3 other friends out for a meal but not my dd. Out of the 3 that were invited, 1 doesn't see each other very often (but mother is governor at school) 1 she doesn't go round with much and the 3rd is a new addition. My dd was really upset as they walk to school together, in the same class and have known one another for years
I did the oh well only a few people could go - meals are expensive spiel.

My DD was big enough to buy her friend a card and gift out of her pocket money and actually go round and hand it to her friend. She came back 2 mins later I said oh didn't they invite you in or anything, no the friend just took the gift on the doorstep

That afternoon the friend had a BBQ party in their garden and we could hear other school friends there. I was annoyed for my DD as she kept saying that was blah blahs voice and was upset. I couldn't believe how they couldn't even invite my DD for a hotdog.
If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have invited her to the bbq

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 06:28

One of those parents^. I think you sound like one of those parents* user, who have no concept of their actions and others' feelings. No one is suggesting egging on a child to cry and whine. It sounds as though you may have a few insecurities of your own based on the way you're attacking others and twisting what they say.

Iamastonished · 06/05/2017 09:08

"(but mother is governor at school)"

What has that got to do with it? Governors can't bring personal issues (or other people's personal issues) to GB meetings. They deal with the strategic issues of a school, not the day to day running of a school.

user1493022461 You seem to be completely devoid of any empathy or social awareness. Maybe you just don't like other people, so being missed out wouldn't affect you. If, however, someone you considered a best friend made it obvious they were leaving you out, would you not even feel the tiniest bit miffed? At all?

Chloe84 · 06/05/2017 09:18

When my children don't get invited to a party, they barely notice.

They've probably learnt it to hide it from you, User

They are sunny, happy little people.

You need to let kids be sad sometimes. It's disturbing that you can't see it's normal for a child to feel disappointed and sad not to be invited to a friend's party.

mummymummums · 06/05/2017 09:39

Why is everyone so much more succinct and pithy than me? Well said.

MyNameIsntTaken · 06/05/2017 10:14

I know it's sad but it's just one of those things unfortunately. Try to explain to her gently that there is usually always a limit on how many can go and unfortunately nobody can go to every single party.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread