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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that my dd hasn't been invited to a b'day party?

97 replies

Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 16:32

I know there've been posts before about this happening and every time I've read them I've always thought how awful it is for the poor child and parent affected but now that it's happening to my sweet innocent 6 year old dd I feel really upset and need advice on how to deal with it.

I'm a bit of an outsider mum anyway and I admit I very rarely get involved with the social life that goes on around and outside the school gates and this may be why I've inadvertently affected my dd as she doesn't get invited to as many play dates or group things as the other girls in her little group of friends do in her class. This group of 7 or 8 girls are going to be picked up after school on Friday to go to the party and my dd will have to watch them all go off while she comes home with me and it breaks my heart :-( I know this won't be the first time it'll happen and it's something unfortunately that we all have to harden ourselves to in life...being excluded for no known reason by what you thought was your friend. So what nuggets of wisdom can I tell her that will not make her feel like there's something wrong with her? And how can I harden my skin to what feels like the worst thing ever? I have a feeling that the reason I feel so torn up about it is that this was an ongoing problem for me during my years at school and it made my natural introversion turn almost into a hermit like outsider as an adult.

OP posts:
Rossigigi · 04/05/2017 18:27

We had a bowling and meal for ds2 10th birthday- we could only invite 6 because of room in the car and cost. Some friends had to be left out please don't take it personally!

MsPavlichenko · 04/05/2017 18:30

Aged 6, my DD was choosing her own friends to invite (within the constraints of numbers/cost etc). Like you I wasn't involved in school gate stuff, and my DS is disabled so was at another school. It may well be nothing to do with the mum. Sometimes I was surprised at DD's choices, but up to her.

It is hard when this happens, but the less you make of it, the less bothered your DD will be. She didn't even tell you about it after all.

Leeds2 · 04/05/2017 18:33

What are they doing for the party? It may be that it is only available/suitable for 6. and your DD is the one that has missed out.

I would try and pick her up from school exactly on time tomorrow, and try and remove her as quickly as possible from the situation of the other six girls being taken off together.

user1493022461 · 04/05/2017 18:42

I can't get my head around people making such a big deal of literally nothing. So your child doesn't get invited to a party, I'm surprised you even notice, much less care.

You're not friends with the parents, they aren't friends outside of school I'm guessing. Not being included is not the same thing as being excluded.

Sara107 · 04/05/2017 18:46

It's really hard to see this. My dD is in such a small class that doesn't really happen ( only 3 girls now!). But I sympathise with you about the school gate thing, I don't really know how to fit into that. Dh does that much better than me! There are several girls who started reception with DD but have moved school and I know the other mums still keep the friendships going with play dates, parties etc. Whereas my DD lost those friendships as soon as those kids left.

Original poster
Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 18:47

Last year (reception) I invited dds whole class for her b'dayand the friend came along. My dd has not had a party this year yet but this mum funnily didn't invite my dd last year either so maybe it's just a thing she does but I didn't notice last year as it was their first year at school. And I know that I'm at fault when it comes to making an effort with play dates. I avoid them and only have them if a mums had one first and I do one in return. I do live in a small place and I work from home which makes it quite difficult when my work area is in the lounge where play dates often take place.

@italiangreyhound - you might have a point and I may possibly have some hang ups from my own awful school days which I'm really conscious of not wanting to rub off onto my dd and a bit of counselling (if I had the time and dosh) could help. One day maybe.

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 04/05/2017 19:07

I agree with PPs that this will seem worse to you than to her. I wouldn't even raise it unless she does. What about doing something nice that day after school anyway? Cafe for tea or a swim? If this really bothers you it may be an idea to start inviting a few girls round to play - you'll then gradually get to know the mum's as well as expanding DD's circle.

Chickoletta · 04/05/2017 19:07

*mums not mum's

chocatoo · 04/05/2017 19:08

Agree with Leeds2. Make sure you are there early to whisk her off quickly to the 'important treat' so that she doesn't have to watch them all heading off together! Good strategy.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 19:22

Justbecauseitsso feel free to PM me if you wish. I have had counselling for free for various issues, I think counselling is great but it is not always free.

Only you know what will help but sometimes we can work towards things ourselves.

All the best. XX

Buttercupsandaisies · 04/05/2017 19:37

I feel for you op xx

There are some pretty thoughtless parents out there and I totally blame the parents at this age- some people just lack social awareness!

DD was 9 and had been in a group of 5 friends for 2 years. They had all been to each other's parties over that time. Then a new kid joined the class and one of the existing girls invited the other 3, the new kid and not DD. Not fallen out or anything just limited numbers and the new kid was flavour of the month.

She was devastated to say the least. More embarrassed too as all the group kept questioning why she wasn't invited.

I was furious - I'd met have let DD do that no matter what her choices. I only let DD choose within reason. It's important to learn social etiquette. I would never exclude a close group number regardless of whether other kids in the class are also not going. Other kids not going are irrelevant if they're not part of the social circle.

This party also picked up straight from school- wouldn't have been half as bad on a weekend

I'd never do after school as it creates so much upset during the day

frazzlebedazzle · 04/05/2017 19:38

I think we have to try very hard not to project in these situations. Tempting as it is.

I'd just take your daughter's lead entirely, if she's ok then great but if she's upset then let her be, and offer support. I don't think she needs soeicific advice, just to get it off her chest. I personally wouldn't do a special treat, I think it makes a thing of it, just have a nice normal day.

And perhaps as pps have suggested organise some outings for dd with friends (if play dates at home don't work).

Iamastonished · 04/05/2017 20:11

"And I know that I'm at fault when it comes to making an effort with play dates. I avoid them and only have them if a mums had one first and I do one in return."

I think this ^^ may be part of the reason. It isn't fair on your daughter to discourage her from having a friend round, really it isn't.

Scholes34 · 04/05/2017 20:29

Doesn't help for tomorrow, but it will all be forgotten about by next week.

mummymummums · 04/05/2017 20:52

In that case OP I agree that it is shoddy. Have to say I always 'assist' my children with their invite list to ensure there is no one left out who should have been included - either a very good friend or a friend who has hosted my child at their last party or a recent play date. They do the list and I give prompts.
I think some people totally lack social graces. My DS has a good friend at school who hasn't invited DS to his last two parties (or any party but they've only been close 2 years), but DS did invite him to his. Said child has just had his party (with DS the only one of his group of friends excluded) the week before DS was giving out his invites so when he did his list and included this child, I just reminded him I was only paying for 12 (which I'd already said) and as he had 13 on his list my view was this child should be the one we didn't invite as we didn't need to reciprocate anything - he agreed. Might sound childish and mean but DS and this child are 9 (not tots), and I'm not a total mug to invite this child for a 3rd time at £20 a child!
I used to get upset myself but with children in years 4 and 5 now, I've grown used to the fact that sometimes people can be arses. I've had DD not invited to parties where she had the child to her party a month before, and both my children have had various children for play dates, some more than once, where it's never been reciprocated. I find this annoying - I work, and have responsibilities as a carer for elderly ill relative that takes a lot of my time and constantly chasing my tail and staying up till early hours to fit everything in. Whilst I don't organise play dates to get one back, i do it for my children, but I do feel Irritated when parents don't even attempt to reciprocate but I see them taking other children home with them. I'm busy enough and really appreciate it when someone returns the favour.
Some people are takers and thoughtless. I'll keep on with the play dates and parties for the children but I now try to avoid the ones who never return the favour. And this might sound a bit off, but I view them as ignorant. I can honestly say I've never not reciprocated a play date, or (as a grown up) meals at friends' houses, but I know many just take.
Fortunately both my DC are popular so I don't worry, just rant (quietly)

carolinescustard · 04/05/2017 21:11

Sorry, l forgot l posted about our party incident.
Thank you for being kind and shocked as l was!
It was about 7 years ago,we came back to the UK and he did attend a much nicer primary school.
At secondary school now and occasionally he will say something like: "remember that party ,when the whole class went etc..."
He does laugh about it now. As he is 14 this year, he has learnt a lot more about the complexities of human nature and has decided that Mum was quite peculiar!
I feel very sorry for children that get obviously left out. For their parents too.

Thomasina76 · 05/05/2017 09:45

Mummymummums, couldn't agree more. I too think many people lack basic social skills and manners. If you child goes on a playdate, you reciprocate. I do the same with party invited and am always at pains to ensure noone is excluded although this year with my eldest in year 4 I have finally become a big more heart hearted about it. There is a child in DC's class who had a party last year and invited all the boys except DS and another boy. When it came to DS's party, there was no way we were going to invite this kid. I've done enough of bending over backwards to be kind and it not being reciprocated. That said, last year he didn't get invited to the party of a close friend (still no idea why) but we still invited this child to DS's party as DS wanted him to come. As others have said, I really think it says more about the parents when they do this.

Thomasina76 · 05/05/2017 09:48

"hard" hearted.

user1493022461 · 05/05/2017 09:51

You seem to have the impression that if someone goes to your party, they have to invite you to theirs. Adults don't work like this, why do you think children should?
You don't ask people to parties just to get asked back. You don't give to recieve. Look a bit closer at your own motivations and stop imagining yourself superior.

Sonnet · 05/05/2017 10:36

I'm sorry User I don't agree.
If someone invited me to say their 40th and I was then having a 40th party I would invite them back!

FritzDonovan · 05/05/2017 10:49

Sorry OP but I think you're not helping by avoiding out of school playdates. For all you know the other girls in the group visit each others houses regularly, making your dd more easily forgettable (as others have suggested) when it came to a limited number of invites, or a more 'peripheral' friend in the group.

Iamastonished · 05/05/2017 11:14

"You seem to have the impression that if someone goes to your party, they have to invite you to theirs. Adults don't work like this, why do you think children should?"

In the real world this does actually happen, especially in reception/year 1/year 2.

MiaowTheCat · 05/05/2017 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milliemolliemou · 05/05/2017 11:55

I know it's hard but whatever you do don't make a big thing of it and do make sure your DD has a great day despite. I had a gf who had similar knockbacks at school and overcompensated and overempathised with her DC - who still twenty years later finds it hard not to see exclusion and dislike in perfectly innocent choices/remarks - which becomes a vicious circle because people do get cross when others overinvest in their sensitivity.

Toottootcar · 05/05/2017 12:16

I'm holding a party and due to size restrictions can only invite all the boys in the class, or have to pick a random selection of boys and girls. I think (hope) its kinder to ask one sex.
I have agonised over this, it's not nice to be left out but it isn't always done maliciously, or even thoughtlessly.

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