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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that my dd hasn't been invited to a b'day party?

97 replies

Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 16:32

I know there've been posts before about this happening and every time I've read them I've always thought how awful it is for the poor child and parent affected but now that it's happening to my sweet innocent 6 year old dd I feel really upset and need advice on how to deal with it.

I'm a bit of an outsider mum anyway and I admit I very rarely get involved with the social life that goes on around and outside the school gates and this may be why I've inadvertently affected my dd as she doesn't get invited to as many play dates or group things as the other girls in her little group of friends do in her class. This group of 7 or 8 girls are going to be picked up after school on Friday to go to the party and my dd will have to watch them all go off while she comes home with me and it breaks my heart :-( I know this won't be the first time it'll happen and it's something unfortunately that we all have to harden ourselves to in life...being excluded for no known reason by what you thought was your friend. So what nuggets of wisdom can I tell her that will not make her feel like there's something wrong with her? And how can I harden my skin to what feels like the worst thing ever? I have a feeling that the reason I feel so torn up about it is that this was an ongoing problem for me during my years at school and it made my natural introversion turn almost into a hermit like outsider as an adult.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 17:18

Justbecauseitsso I am sorry this is happening, it is hard.

RedSkyAtNight has it.

Please can I add that if this is an issue for you (clearly it is), please get some counselling. Get motivated to get involved in the school if you can (fundraising, parent/teacher whatever) and then you can be in the centre of things a bit. But do get some counselling to deal with some of these issues for you, as I do think you are in danger of passing this form of (perhaps) 'anxiety' on to your dd.

carolinescustard that is so appalling. What did the teacher do, I would have complained to the school for allowing that. I hope your son is in a nicer school now.

LittleIda that is awful and I think the teacher should have stepped in and said that things like that happen outside the school, not in it.

OP it is only being excluded if all the children or all the girls in class are invited.

"I know in my sensible rational mind that it's no biggie and this is just the beginning of the road to many more types of worse rejection."

This is a really negative way of viewing things in life, please find a way to re-think this. We cannot all do everything and learning to deal with life's ups and downs is a vital life lesson.

"It's the hurt of all my own past rejections at school rearing their ugly heads and trying to project themselves onto my dd."

Are these hurts that you experienced or your dd experienced?

I was very shy as a child and had few friends. I had OCD as a teenager and now as an adult have an eating disorder. I am getting counselling for this and it covers the things that happened as a child. (Just not being that included etc). There is help and one can process these things better with help.

"And yes I admit I'm wondering why this particular mum has decided to exclude my dd and yes I'm taking it personally." Would you consider asking her, could you cope with that? Could you ask if you or dd have done something? I am notnecessarily recommending this course of action but if your dd is friends with the child you could just ask if the mum thinks there is a reason not to include her?

The action of asking could lead to ill feeling from the other mum, she could tell others you had tried to get an invite by making her feel guilty, she could invite your child but you still feel it was under sufferance etc. I am not recommending asking but if in future you sense the other mum has something against you, you could ask.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 04/05/2017 17:19

My DD had a friend round to play and the friend stole something from her. It took ages to get it back and when she eventually admitted it the mum was mortified. Unfortunately said mum now won't let our daughters play together anymore and won't let her attend parties. Poor girl. Mum no longer speaks to me anymore either, my OH says it's because she is embarrassed but I feel she blames me in some way for her daughter having stolen the object. My DD is having a big celebration and she won't let her DD attend, I feel so sorry for the girl as she will be the only one not coming. I could never leave anyone out, no matter what they had done.

MadMags · 04/05/2017 17:20

Boosh personally I wouldn't drag my dd into the middle of something by snubbing an invitation. I don't think it's worth it!

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 17:21

PS I am now very outgoing and happy and fun, because I consciously made an effort to get involved. I have come through things so now if I am not invited it doesn't bother me.

But when it first happens, it is hard.

Booshbeesh · 04/05/2017 17:22

Madmags - there's a few other reasons why to, problems with the mum etc but it's abit outing to put on here.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 17:22

Agree with MadMags the question is really can your child attend? Does she want to attend? That's it. I think. Unless this child is actually a bully you do not want your child to associate with. But it does get hard to 'police' their activities.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 17:23

Booshbeesh cross posted with you. You know your reasons, you have to do what you think is best.

Pancakeflipper · 04/05/2017 17:24

Remember at this age parents are still engineering friendships. In another year or so the children will be more in charge of their own friendships.
But do invite friends round after school to help her build up friendships.

TessTube · 04/05/2017 17:29

We are a 2 form entry and so we don't tend to have all class parties and DS has not been invited to quite a few but has still been to a few.

It's just that they can't ask everyone or sometimes the child is asked to pick and they could randomly mention a selection of kids from that day!

As they get older the invites will get fewer again as the parties get a bit smaller.

MadMags · 04/05/2017 17:30

Boosh ah that's a different story! I'd be cautious too.

KC225 · 04/05/2017 17:37

OP. Do you give parties your DD? Up the playdates. We were tight on space, so I would arrange picnics in the park or soft play. Bit less stressful than being at home. You don't have to get into school gate cliques but it will help your daughter socially.

TheSnowFairy · 04/05/2017 17:47

DS2 left a party invite in his desk at school a few years ago - I knew nothing about it so he didn't go.

He was really upset hearing everyone talk about in on the Monday until the mum came over and then we realised what had happened.

Op, has she definitely not been invited?

Original poster
Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 17:54

My dd has the same set of 7 good friends who she plays with everyday and it is one of these girls in this group who is having the party her mum who has decided not to include my dd but all the others in the group...sorry if I haven't explained it clearly enough before.

I would never dream of asking this mum why she's done this as I honestly believe that she can choose who she wants to invite without having to justify her choices to me. It's just a shame she decided to single my dd out of the group of these good friends.

@italiangreyhound I don't particularly think I need counselling because I might be feeling naturally upset for my daughter or that I think this mum might not like me. The times we've chatted it's been clear we don't have much in common and haven't gelled, which is fine we can't get on with everyone in the world, however I don't understand why us mums not connecting would mean that she needs to then exclude my daughter from the party because as far as I've understood it her dd and mine are very good friends.

It's school parent politics which I can't get into and there's a lot of it about in this school and I prefer to steer clear of it but because of my avoidance tactics I have probably caused the very exclusion that my dd is having to deal with.

OP posts:
LaMontser · 04/05/2017 17:56

OP, in the kindest way I really think you need to work on your mindset about this and I know it's hard because I felt everything that I thought was a snub to my kids too. But my oldest is 18 now and I'm much more philosophical about it all.

Realistically this is unlikely to be a rejection, snub, exclusion of your daughter. I never know who mine are friends with - it changes all the time - so unless we invited the whole class there are bound to missed people. But it was never a reflection on them.

If it's any consolation, I found that parties drop off dramatically after about 6/7.

I know it's hard, but please don't let your bad memories influence your daughters experiences.

Thomasina76 · 04/05/2017 17:57

This has happened to DS several times and it's just so upsetting. Afraid there is nothing you can do for now other than arranging something nice for her to do that day and having a breezy response ready if she asks. I found it very hard to not say anything to the parents in question but decided it was best to rise above it and say nothing. There will be other parties that she will be invited to. xx

MadMags · 04/05/2017 17:59

How exactly did you find out?

Original poster
Justbecauseitsso · 04/05/2017 18:04

@LaMonster - hit nail on head. Thank you!

OP posts:
TheRealPooTroll · 04/05/2017 18:06

OP it's only natural that you'd feel upset that your dd has been left out - whether it's intentional or not. I would maybe take your dd to do something special after school - cinema/soft pay or something and maybe ask one of the other girls from the class along if you have a number for their parents or see them in the morning. Then she'll have something to look forward to if her friends are chatting about the party at school.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 18:07

OP I did not say you needed counselling, did I? I said it may help you proceeds your own (I presume) memories and responses to the fact your dd did not get invited.

Your comments about preparation for later rejection suggested your thinking about this is to me an over reaction. If your your response is totally fine then great.

I thought this sounded like it had thrown up some issues for you from your past. My dd is dyslexic (like me) and her issues at school with struggling have really thrown up issues for me.

If this is not the case and you are simply upset she has not been invited then of course you do not need counselling.

SabineUndine · 04/05/2017 18:09

What chocotoo said. Take your DD out somewhere she loves after school, or take her to buy a book or some hair thingies or something.

TessTube · 04/05/2017 18:10

You do tend to find out. A friend text me today to see where a party was and I had to say NFI mate.

I think it's so natural to have a worry about it as of course we'd hate to feel they'd be left out but i think in 99.9% of cases it's just a numbers thing and totally not personal.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 18:10

This was one of the statements that suggested this was more of an issue than just being upset about a party invite...

"I have a feeling that the reason I feel so torn up about it is that this was an ongoing problem for me during my years at school and it made my natural introversion turn almost into a hermit like outsider as an adult."

mummymummums · 04/05/2017 18:11

OP did your DD invite the birthday girl to her own (DD's) party? Or have you had Birthday girl for play dates?
If she did then I agree this seems mean. If she didn't, or didn't have a party herself, then tbh if someone is trying to limit numbers for a party, then the first ones will most likely be the ones they don't feel the need to reciprocate to.
I'm sorry to hear your daughter doesn't get as many play dates, but again, it's a case of you hosting them too, and then hopefully they'll be reciprocated though unfortunately it doesn't always work that way.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 18:14

Ps I also don't see why you and the other mum not connecting would result in no invite.

I think what someone else said is so true, they can come up with party lists based on who they got on with that day!

When my dd did that I reminded her she had. missed off her best friend!

It is tricky.

Blimey01 · 04/05/2017 18:22

I could have written your post OP. When DC was first not invited to a party I was so upset for and also as an peripheral mum felt like it was my fault. Like you've been advised I didn't mention it to them. It was bought up and I brushed it off and said some parties have a numbers limit and you can't go to every party. It was upsetting because it was a class party and dc was only one of two that were not invited.
When it came to my DC party though they wanted to leave a couple of kids out and I wouldn't allow it because that's not what I want to teach my kids.
5 years into school and usually DC is invited to parties but the same couple of people always exclude but I don't give it another thought and DC doesn't ever mention it. Just make an effort to have kids round and encourage out of school activities so it's not all about the kids at school. Xx