To be absolutely fucking petrified by childbirth?

[PalomaViolets]

...The title says it all really. I'm 37 & 20 weeks pregnant with my first. It's been quite easy to put my head in the sand so far and concentrate on organising the nursery etc. but I know this isn't going to help in the long run. It's been a relatively easy pregnancy so far bar the otherworldly tiredness.

I'm a bit of a loner and can count the number of friends I have on one hand so not had loads of experience with people having babies.

Just the thought of a baby coming out of me scares the shit out of me to be honest. She wasn't entirely planned but she's very much wanted by us.

Any advice? I'm really new on here so am just getting the hang on acronyms etc.

Such good advice here.

Definitely tell your midwife how you feel and ask if there's a tocophobia (fear of childbirth) midwife to speak to - some hospitals have specialist midwives with the skills to counsel women who truly have a phobia. But also, as others have said, going to antenatal/birth preparation classes and finding out what's involved might be helpful to get your head round the idea of giving birth (NHS ones are often great). And hypnobirthing is really helpful for lots of women - really takes them out of the situation and into their own zone and helps them cope with pain. If you don't want to/can't afford to pay for classes, there are books (Katharine Graves' is one) and CDs and things too, that you could probably order via your library.

Birth is really ok for most people. Look up the Positive Birth Movement www.positivebirthmovement.org/ who might organise meet-ups in your area where women share positive birth stories rather than the horror stories/oneupmanship stories of awful births you come across a lot of the time (there are also many vv smug birth stories out there - no-one seems to be willing to tell the in-between - except above ). Also the founder of the PBM has written a book (Milli Hill) which I haven't read but has had good reviews. And there's a PBM facebook page where people crowdsource advice etc.

And if after all that you can't face the idea of a vaginal birth and want a c-section, that's ok

Good luck. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and not spend it worried/scared. Talk to your MW about your concerns for sure.

I was terrified too. Turns out I'm shit at going into labour so first time I had an induction with - and this is important - the epidural before the syntocinon. Totally painless, spent the afternoon reading the latest Harry Potter then pushed Ds1 out.

Second time was a csection, emergency so no contractions. Recovery was fine.

In summary : don't worry, don't try to be brave, take ALL the drugs

Another vote for a doula here. The thought of childbirth brought me out in a cold sweat (not to mention my gorgeous but incredibly squeamish DH). The doula was with me throughout the pregnancy, and would have been there for the birth too, had I not been very ill and had to have an emergency C-section.

The peace of mind she gave me though was utterly invaluable. It was my mum's "baby gift" to me, and was the best thing I could have had. They're not the cheapest people to hire, but it is something to consider.

I would opt for a CS if I was terrified, but I had three children vaginally and recovery was fine, I only had four stitches with my DD2. I've had abdominal surgery and it's a different thing altogether. Yes, you get over it, but it does take longer. I say this because you don't have a lot of support, so your DP has to step up and be very hands on.

But regardless of what route you take, you soon forget any pain and the only thing that matters is that gorgeous bundle of joy you hold in your arms.

My top tip would be to prepare - go to NCT classes / exercise / read up - but keep an open mind. I had complications so it was not like any of the births I had seen or, if I'm being honest, what I was anticipating, but at the end of the day DC was alive / healthy and I was too. Remember it is your birth, so - within reason - do what helps you (as long as it doesn't put your baby at risk), if you want pain relief, take it - if others want a different experience, that's their choice too. Do what is authentic for you.Also, don't be afraid to ask questions and get people to explain things and if something concerns you during pregnancy (baby not moving so much etc.) don't be afraid to seek medical advice.

I had four. So there. Gas and air was brilliant, especially the last time as they gave me a plastic mouthpiece instead of a smelly rubber mask. It's sort of like, there's pain, but it's a long way away and possibly happening to someone else. Then you land on earth just in time to push, and after the pushing it all gets too interesting to worry about whether anything still hurts. I had pethidine as well with the first one but I'm not sure it made that much difference.

Mind you I'd have settled for being knocked out and handed the baby after it was all over too, but it was not to be. And at least if you watch it coming out you know they haven't done an Omen type switch and palmed the Devil's child off on you. (There may be times, around the third, ninth and fourteenth years in particular, when you become convinced this has in fact happened.)

The medication is great. You'll be fine - honest.

Another vote for Juju Sundin book. I really wish I'd read it for my first labour.

Seriously, yes, it has to hurt. Also it has to happen. But you're not the first to ever do it. Adopt my mantra of "suck it up princess" and you'll be fine.

Some really good advice on here. Totally reasonable to be scared at this stage although when you get to 39 or whatever weeks you might find that the difficulty in doing normal things like walking and sleeping makes you a lot more keen on getting the baby out!

I would say discuss it with the midwife, learn as much as possible and also try to work out what scares you most then work out ways to deal with this.

For me the pain didn't scare me much but the idea of interventions and lasting problems did.

With my second I had no pain relief at all, partly because there were no rooms in the birthing unit and the baby arrived very quickly on the antenatal ward. Because I knew I could do it and that the contractions were for a reason I was able to relax and deal with the pain.

I was just like you, terrified. I read Ina may gaskills book and it helped at the time but not leading up to it! I didn't have the water birth in the midwife led unit I wanted due to having pre eclampsia, so I was induced and had my waters burst for me on a drip on my back in a hospital bed unable to change position, as soon as the contractions started the words from Ina may gaskills book came flooding back and I just went with it. Even when my little girls heartbeat slowed and 8 more doctors and nurses came rushing in I thought this is it I can do it my body took over and did what it had to do, thinking back its strange my head didn't know what to do or to expect but my body did, women have been doing it for thousands of years, just let your body do what it has to do, good luck x x

I know how you feel op, first baby, but in todays world of giving birth there seems to be so much help for you re pain relief if needed, and lovely midwives. but any pain that you may have is almost forgotten when you have your new baby.. When I had my first child 1970 era I was not totally prepared for anything as such, and had a 50 hour labour, but not to worry,, four years later I had a daughter who was born very quickly on the back seat of our car,, husband delivered her, and no pain at all, just freezing cold and was only wearing a thin nightie..

I could've written your post last year! Same ages same situation with friends...I'd never even held a baby until my own.

I haven't rtft but I'm sure others have mentioned Hypnobirthing. I didn't really use it during the birth as I had an emcs (which was pretty easy tbh!) but I learnt so much about pregnancy and birth during the course that I was a million times more prepared and calmer about everything. Even if you think the breathing is a load of old tosh, there is much more to it. Good luck!

Adopt my mantra of "suck it up princess" and you'll be fine.

I don't think that's helpful all at. I think you need to accept that every birth is different, and that your pain may be manageable, or it may be so bad that you require every type of pain relief going. I don't think it's anything to do with having a lower pain threshold, it's just that every birth is genuinely different. Many women who have more than one child will attest to this.

Personally, I felt like a failure when I couldn't cope with the pain and begged for an epidural because I'd heard from so many people that "it hurts but it's not that bad and women have been doing it since forever" etc, etc. It really was that bad. I don't say this to scare you, but so you won't put too much pressure on yourself because other people have told you they managed with just breathing exercises or whatever.

I was induced, by the way. I wouldn't agree to that again without an epidural on stand-by.

Okay, no word of a lie, it hurts. BUT, and here's the bit I didn't know, I did not care afterwards. Not one bit. It didn't stay with me at all once I saw DD's face.

I found it a bit like vomiting in that your body is doing something on its own and you just have to go with it.

Also without sounding like a dick, it's a journey. It starts and you get your head around it...then it progresses. You just need to try and catch up. But it won't just all happen in one go. You get a bit of pain and then some more etc...

My experience was positive. Two short labours (3hr and 1hr 40mins) and done only on gas and air. Yes the pain is intense but I would rather have 8 babies a day rather than have tooth ache or back pain!

You get a bit of pain and then some more etc...

Not always. Be prepared for the unexpected. That is all. I was convinced I got a break between intense pain, because that's what my NCT classes implied, but from very early on I didn't. I really, really wish I'd had some experienced with me who could have advocated for me, and talked me through what was happening. You also have to be prepared for a rubbish midwife. Some are great. Some aren't. If you don't get a good one, it's v important to have someone else there who knows what's going on.

Definitely not unreasonable! Especially at 20 weeks when 40 weeks seems like a lifetime away. But you should use the next 20 weeks to prepare yourself. A baby will come out of you one way or the other (though if a low risk first time pregnancy you would have to fight tooth and nail for a caesarean) so should use this time you have left to prepare yourself mentally and physically for labour. There are plenty of NHS that do sessions on confident birthing and tailored classes for those like you that are terrified of the whole thing so definitely see if there is something like that in your area. Pregnancy yoga and/or hypnobirthing may also help you to overcome the fear. Can't speak for hypnobirthing but I found yoga really helped me, in particular the relaxation techniques.

But another thing to note: I remember quite distinctly feeling at around 20 weeks or so that it was inconceivable to imagine giving birth and the baby actually being born. But the closer to 40 weeks you get your mindset does change and you do feel 'ready' to give birth.

Good luck :)

I am nearly 38 weeks and I am nervous about the birth but figure it's going to happen one way or another. I have tried not to over expose myself to information whereas some people want to know everything! I know what I need to know and as much as I try to plan how I want it to go, also know it could all change so am trying not to worry!

Adopt my mantra of "suck it up princess" and you'll be fine.

What an awful thing to say to a woman about to give life to another human. Appalling attitude to take. You wouldn't give that advice to any one needing specialist medical care.

I was the same. This was a big part of the reason I didn't find out if we were pink/blue. So I had something else to try to think about at the time!

I was convinced I got a break between intense pain, because that's what my NCT classes implied, but from very early on I didn't.

Same! I felt like a wimp when I cried because I was so unprepared for that. I thought there would be pain, a break, pain again and a break. I didn't realise it's not always like that.

You get a bit of pain and then some more etc...

Not if you're induced.

I want to stress that the Juju Sundin boom does not take a "suck up the pain princess " approach. It acknowledges that there is pain but helps you deal with that pain in a practical way and acknowledges that pain relief isn't to be feared or seen as a failure.

It really is a good book and helped me immensely

My main advice is DO YOUR PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES ans keep up your fitness - walk! I had a 6lb8 baby and honestly, after a reasonable 9 hours of contractions... I was (a) exhausted and (b) didn't have the clout to push him out. It took about 3 hours and an episiotomy to pop him out and it was gruelling, I just. Couldn't. Manage. It.

This only 13 days ago and I'm so over it... so happy he's here and so beautiful and it's me banged up not him. Labour wasn't what I expected though it was fast and harsh and more painful than I can prepare you for with words alone ! But it ends and I promise when you see your baby none of it will matter at all. Don't get yourself wound up with fear it definitely won't help