Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decide that my lesbian fantasies are just that and don't mean I'm gay

146 replies

user1493797837 · 03/05/2017 10:48

I've always been very interested and involved in the gay community and all my friends are gay. I however, am straight.

I can find a man objectively handsome and can be very attracted to a mans smile and eyes.
I am completely convinced that I just haven't met the right guy for me yet. I'm 27 and I have wasted a lot of time by dating men that I had no sexual feelings for and never falling in love. At 23 I started dating a man and we got engaged/had a child after 3 years. I thought I was in love but it was only after having my son I realised the love was purely platonic and sex became so upsetting for me I ended the relationship so that he could be free to meet someone who could be right for him.

I've done some online dating but not met anyone I'm remotely interested in. I'm sure I will bump into a guy soon and everything will make sense once I've met my soulmate.

Even if I never meet the one, that still doesn't make me lesbian.

Anyway. On another point. I find some women striking to look at and notice their beauty. There's a few women I seem to have 'feelings' for but I don't actually even understand what I mean by that. My manager is a lesbian and despite my very very best efforts I cannot stop thinking about her. It's absolutely destroying me. She joked when drunk that I was 'exactly what she goes for in a woman' and now I feel completely in turmoil.
So much so that I feel physically ill.

I spend my days daydreaming about being in a relationship and buying some kittens Grin and settling down. We have so much in common.

I've now put it at the back of my head and decided it's nothing more than a fantasy like children have on their teachers but I keep noticing how pretty women are around me and no longer noticing men. I joined POF as a lesbian not straight and I deleted my profile before I took it any further.

When I have to fill out equality and monitoring forms I now say 'gay' not straight as it feels more true.

When people talk to me about hot men I feel sad and like i don't fit in to this conversation anymore. I don't masturbate, but if I were to, it would definitely be a woman I would think of. I'm too scared to even go there.

I constantly daydream about finding a nice woman to marry, coming out as gay, being involved as a lesbian in the gay community, kissing a woman, having sex with a woman. I have googled 'how to know you're a lesbian' so many times I can memorise the pages off by heart.

I just don't understand what on earth is happening to me. Can someone really go from straight to gay at the age of 27 with no previous lesbian feelings? I think I'm just lonely maybe and saying I'm gay as I've not found the right man for me. I'm still sure I'm straight but this is absolutely all consuming and it's destroying me if I'm honest. I don't want to be lesbian and my life would be so much easier if I was not. AIBU to work on putting all these thoughts behind me, and finding myself a man who will be right for me.

I feel at peace finally that these thoughts are simply fantasy. Not to be taken seriously and I shouldn't be feeding them. It's self destructive and time consuming/a waste of time. People have crushes and fantasies all the times and they don't mean anything. This is how I've always felt.

Do you think this is hugely unreasonable? Surely what I think and feel is my business and no one else's? I ask because my best friend wants me to go to discuss the possibility of being lesbian but I feel there's nothing to discuss.

OP posts:
Malermalergoni · 03/05/2017 10:58

Why are you denying yourself happiness? And why do you need to be so concretely defined? Who is judging you? Sexuality can be totally fluid.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 03/05/2017 11:00

I think you're either sexually attracted to women or you're not. I'm not lesbian and I'm not bisexual.

It's not that I'm denying anything. I just don't consider myself bisexual or lesbian or anything other than heterosexual.

I'm not denying myself happiness. I just consider myself heterosexual.

I just have fantasises that don't mean anything.

OP posts:
Funnyonion17 · 03/05/2017 11:01

It does sound asif you like women, would that be so wrong? You seem a bit frightened by the prospect but it really is normal to be bi/gay/straight etc etc. You don't need to label it.

I know I'm straight even though i like the idea of lesbian porn, i thought this thread was going down that vein by the title. I only have romantic feelings, lust and love for men, hence my conclusion.

If you like women then go with it, be happy :)

Stormtreader · 03/05/2017 11:04

Surely bisexual just means youre attracted to both men and women? You are clearly attracted to women to some degree because youre noticing them, having fantasies about them etc, to what degree is up to you to work out. I have heard stories of people who were happily married/dating the opposite sex for many many years and then one day met "the one" and to their surprise found that it was with someone of the same sex.

You seem very determined to loudly announce that youre definitely not gay, is there a reason youre so opposed to the possibility?

DJBaggySmalls · 03/05/2017 11:05

If you are a lesbian you will never be happy in a heterosexual relationship. You've already tried it and realized you were living a lie.

''I ask because my best friend wants me to go to discuss the possibility of being lesbian ''
Thats a completely separate issue. Your friend may believe you are a lesbian, and may be trying to be helpful, but its crossing a boundary. You are entitled to your privacy.

If you decide to continue looking for Mr Right then you are likely to be single for the rest of your life. You dont enjoy heterosexual sex. How does that feel? Would that be better or worse than living as a lesbian?

How does the idea of lesbian sex feel? Perhaps you are attracted romantically to other people, but not sexually?

DJBaggySmalls · 03/05/2017 11:06

I'll also add, have you had your low sex drive looked at by your GP? It can sometimes be a symptom of physical ill health.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 03/05/2017 11:08

My parents hate gay people and so does everyone I grew up around. If I were gay id been disowned for a start.

im hugely involved in the gay community and always have been despite being brought up in a religious family and told it's evil since I can remember.

I am an avid campaigner of gay rights but I don't want to be gay myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493797837 · 03/05/2017 11:08

I don't have a low sex drive. I just don't like having sex with men.

I'm not sexually attracted to men.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/05/2017 11:09

Well I'm no expert but from everything you've written you sound gay to me - you don't find men sexually attractive, you do find women so. Is that not what being gay is? Confused

However, gay or straight, you don't have to enter into a sexual relationship unless you want to.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 03/05/2017 11:10

Reading through this the answer seems so completely obvious that I wondered if it was a reverse.

What if you stopped thinking about labels and box-ticking and forms, user, and asked yourself what you want? What are your body and mind telling you about what you want?

What scares you so much about admitting you are attracted to women? (Which you are.)

Original poster
user1493797837 · 03/05/2017 11:10

I think that is because I haven't met the one yet. When I meet the right guy everything will fall into place.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/05/2017 11:13

Ok sorry x posts. I now understand why you don't want to be gay. Just be aware that you don't need to define yourself according to your religion's/ parents hate-filled, nonsensical prejudices.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 03/05/2017 11:14

I don't think I'm attracted to women.

I have fantasies about women and can feel a very odd interest and fantasy around dating a woman. But it's just that.

I don't actually want to date a woman. It's all in my mind.

If my manager asked me on a date I would say no.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493797837 · 03/05/2017 11:15

And I don't agree that sexuality is fluid. You either are attracted to your own gender, both genders or opposite gender. There's not an alternative. So there has to be a label even if you don't like it.

I'm not going to say I'm bisexual as I don't feel I am.

OP posts:
Malermalergoni · 03/05/2017 11:16

As an adult you're perfectly entitled to have your own private fulfilling relationships, without declarations or announcements about your sexuality. It's none of anybody else's business. Experimentation is a part of finding your 'soulmate',and you'll never find your soulmate( male or female) if you're not the most honest and true expression of yourself.

Malermalergoni · 03/05/2017 11:18

You may not believe it to be true, but sexuality can be fluid, and can take people by surprise.

BarbarianMum · 03/05/2017 11:18

Your fantasies show that you are attracted to women - I'm sorry if you find that upsetting. But you don't have to act on these fantasies if you don't want to. Maybe though it would be better to stay single than to date men in the hope of finding one you can stand having sex with? I mean this kindly but you don't seem to be in a good place for a relationship.

angryladyboobs · 03/05/2017 11:18

You're in denial.

SleepFreeZone · 03/05/2017 11:21

You sound very confused OP.

GoldenBlue · 03/05/2017 11:23

I hope you're ok. You sound like you are trying to persuade yourself that you are not gay because you don't want to be gay.

That's a hard position to be in. Sexuality is not necessarily binary and you do not need to label yourself if you don't want to.

You don't need to participate in any relationships that you don't want to either.

But perhaps you could stop focusing on meeting the right guy and more look forward to meeting some that is the right person. Gender doesn't need to come into it. I have a friend that has been in love with both a man and a woman and both were truly great relationships.

It also sounds like you may like you friend, and that they may like you in return, which is scaring you.

No one says you have to enter into a relationship with a woman but until you kiss one that you find attractive you won't know if it is something you may enjoy.

Good luck in the future, I hope you find happiness with someone x

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/05/2017 11:25

You're sexually attracted to women. You're not sexually attracted to men.

It certainly sounds as though you're gay, but frightened or unwilling to flat out admit it to yourself.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 03/05/2017 11:26

Everything you have written says that you don't actually feel attracted to men, and do feel attracted to women. You are in denial. Understandably so, given your family. But in denial nonetheless.

I don't think you will ever meet 'the right man'. If anything, I think you haven't met the right woman yet - the one you are so powerfully attracted to you can't deny it, and who is attracted to you too.

My best friend was you, until she met the woman she couldn't ignore. She is now out, married (to this woman), and happy. Her family didn't disown her and the sky didn't fall.

If you were straight and just lonely, you'd be fantasising about a man to keep you warm and keep you company.

Whether you agree with all of us or not, why not invest in some counselling? You can talk to the counsellor about your feelings about your sexuality (however you define it) and your loneliness.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/05/2017 11:28

Why does there "have to be a label"? Who says? I've had relationships with men, relationships with women, relationships with masculine women, feminine men and men who were born women. I don't really do much thinking about what it means and how I have to define my sexuality in words as a result. It just means I've met various people and been attracted to them sexually and personality-wise: no more, no less. You can have sex with women and still choose not to label yourself as gay or bisexual, if you don't think it fits. There's no obligation!

Have you considered some counselling to explore whether your feelings about attraction, sex and sexuality - towards any sex or gender - might be bound up in your family's attitudes towards them? It sounds like you're very conflicted about sex and sexuality generally and I really doubt that your upbringing hasn't had something to do with it.

LozzaChops101 · 03/05/2017 11:30

Internalised homophobia is a hell of a drug.

Stormtreader · 03/05/2017 11:34

"I am an avid campaigner of gay rights but I don't want to be gay myself."

It kind of doesnt work that way, I'm sure youve seen a lot through your campaigning that it isnt a choice!

You CAN choose whether to act on it or not, and whether to deny it or not, that is totally up to you - its everyones right to choose how they live their life. If that is what you decide to do though, you're setting yourself up for a very long hard road and potentially missing out on some very happy relationships.