To decide that my lesbian fantasies are just that and don't mean I'm gay

[user1493797837]

I've always been very interested and involved in the gay community and all my friends are gay. I however, am straight.

I can find a man objectively handsome and can be very attracted to a mans smile and eyes.
I am completely convinced that I just haven't met the right guy for me yet. I'm 27 and I have wasted a lot of time by dating men that I had no sexual feelings for and never falling in love. At 23 I started dating a man and we got engaged/had a child after 3 years. I thought I was in love but it was only after having my son I realised the love was purely platonic and sex became so upsetting for me I ended the relationship so that he could be free to meet someone who could be right for him.

I've done some online dating but not met anyone I'm remotely interested in. I'm sure I will bump into a guy soon and everything will make sense once I've met my soulmate.

Even if I never meet the one, that still doesn't make me lesbian.

Anyway. On another point. I find some women striking to look at and notice their beauty. There's a few women I seem to have 'feelings' for but I don't actually even understand what I mean by that. My manager is a lesbian and despite my very very best efforts I cannot stop thinking about her. It's absolutely destroying me. She joked when drunk that I was 'exactly what she goes for in a woman' and now I feel completely in turmoil.
So much so that I feel physically ill.

I spend my days daydreaming about being in a relationship and buying some kittens and settling down. We have so much in common.

I've now put it at the back of my head and decided it's nothing more than a fantasy like children have on their teachers but I keep noticing how pretty women are around me and no longer noticing men. I joined POF as a lesbian not straight and I deleted my profile before I took it any further.

When I have to fill out equality and monitoring forms I now say 'gay' not straight as it feels more true.

When people talk to me about hot men I feel sad and like i don't fit in to this conversation anymore. I don't masturbate, but if I were to, it would definitely be a woman I would think of. I'm too scared to even go there.

I constantly daydream about finding a nice woman to marry, coming out as gay, being involved as a lesbian in the gay community, kissing a woman, having sex with a woman. I have googled 'how to know you're a lesbian' so many times I can memorise the pages off by heart.

I just don't understand what on earth is happening to me. Can someone really go from straight to gay at the age of 27 with no previous lesbian feelings? I think I'm just lonely maybe and saying I'm gay as I've not found the right man for me. I'm still sure I'm straight but this is absolutely all consuming and it's destroying me if I'm honest. I don't want to be lesbian and my life would be so much easier if I was not. AIBU to work on putting all these thoughts behind me, and finding myself a man who will be right for me.

I feel at peace finally that these thoughts are simply fantasy. Not to be taken seriously and I shouldn't be feeding them. It's self destructive and time consuming/a waste of time. People have crushes and fantasies all the times and they don't mean anything. This is how I've always felt.

Do you think this is hugely unreasonable? Surely what I think and feel is my business and no one else's? I ask because my best friend wants me to go to discuss the possibility of being lesbian but I feel there's nothing to discuss.

"well youre obviously not completely heterosexual"

She's not even vaguely heterosexual - she is 100% lesbian.

*your

OP, it sounds like you've been through quite a lot. I think some counselling or therapy would really help you deal with your upbringing which was homophobic and may be causing you some unnecessary anxiety about what you call your fantasies. And it might just give you space and time to organise your throughts x

You sound uncomfortable with the possibility of being a lesbian and determined to find the right man.

If that's the only way you'll feel happy with yourself then it's not a bad thing to be long term single - plenty of women do it simply because they have proper standards that the men they meet don't achieve.

I think the choices you have are:
a) explore the possibility you may be attracted to women
b) continue to actively try to find a man who you find romantically and sexually attractive
c) come to terms with a long single life and find a way to make that fulfilling

Personally I think it's a shame if you want a relationship to choose c but there's really no harm in doing so.

Everything sheep said. I think you need to give lesbianism a go with an open mind and see how you feel then. We have a family member who could have written your post. She is now with a long term girlfriend and is the happiest I have ever seen her. She thought the family wouldn't accept it but none of us give a monkeys and it's a relief her MH issues are gone and she has finally found the answer. We love her.

I am not sexually attracted to men but that's because I haven't met the right guy for me.

Um, fantasies are fantasies. They are not about people you actually know necessarily. Speaking from a purely heterosexual point of view, I started having fantasies when I was about 14, about a certain Bond actor. I'd never come across this man in my entire life (and never have since), but I had very strong fantasies about him, which left me very shaken. I hadn't had any remotely sexual contact with a boy either. You do know.

Also, while I fantasise about being with women, if never actually do anything about that or want to do anything about it.

Not doing something about your desires doesn't mean that you don't have them.

In reality being with a woman isn't something I would enjoy.

How would you know? Or is it that you wouldn't enjoy it because you know your family would reject you?

From what you say, you do sound pretty gay to me, OP. You can deny it all you like, but you only have one life, and denying your desires is such a soul-killing thing to do (plus, you wouldn't be lying to yourself only, but also to your partner).

It's okay to be who you are. Your family have made it feel like it's not okay, but they are wrong. You don't choose your sexuality, it's innate, God-given (if you believe).

Be who you are.

Remember, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Don't label yourself. You don't 'have' to be anything. Many of us are attracted to people rather than a specific sex.

It's very complex.

When I was 17 I was obsessed with a female pop star, I would think about her all the time and would print off images of her in skimpy outfits and bikinis and just think to myself how beautiful she was. Over the years there were other women I enjoyed looking at but as they were famous ones as opposed to real life ones I just assumed it was all fantasy based.

However, when I was 21 I had a 4 month sexual fling with a woman, partly I think to satisfy my curiosity.

That was 12 years ago and I've never had a sexual relationship with another woman, I've never had sexual feelings about another woman (famous or real) but I do still think about that fling fondly.

I've dated boys since I was 12, I can't count the number of boyfriends I've had and it's always been men I've wanted to be in relationships with. Although I enjoyed that sexual relationship I had with the woman that's all it ever was, we certainly didn't spend days out together, or date, I never wanted her as my girlfriend, it really was about us both experimenting. She was great, we got on really well and had lots of fun but she was like a FWB as opposed to someone I had 'feelings' for.

I'm now married, have a son and a second baby on the way do my life is pretty mundane and 'normal' now really. Sometimes I still fantasise about that female fling I had (including when masturbating/having sex) but only because I'm turnd on by how 'naughty' it felt at the time as opposed to because I'd want do it again.

I have no idea what my experiences make me but I class myself as straight.

I was happy until I met my manager. She's ruined everything really.

I would just slow down and take a deep breath. You don't have to be one thing or the other right now. Sexuality can be as fluid as you like. Don't put any pressure on yourself. As far as fantasies go, they are just that, fantasises.

I really think you would benefit from some counselling. Talking through your feelings in a completely neutral, safe space might help you work through them.

Damn her and her sexy female ways! How dare she wander about in front of you being all desirable and not-male! :p

Oh, just for clarity, I'm heterosexual btw. I know this because although, like you, I do notice and appreciate beautiful women, the thought of touching a lady's slippery bits (even with my hand, not mouth) makes me feel nauseous. So, not even a 1 on the Kinsey scale, but that's the way I'm made. Have you ever googled the Kinsey scale? Could be helpful.

Everything DistanceCall Said

You clearly have an internal battle going on and i'm not sure the answers here will give you the answer you wanted. The title of the post alone screams 'please agree with me i can't bear the alternative'

Stop holding yourself back- if you are as open minded as you claim you will realise that sexuality isn't black and white. I've only have relationships with men, as I've only ever fallen for men. However I fantasize about woman (and men) a lot. Maybe I just never met the right woman? My sister in law was married for 20 years and then fell for her best (female friend) just because you've only been with men so far means zero.

Stop thinking about gender and start thinking about falling in love/sex with a person based on them; and not their sexuality/gender

I hope you find the strength to be honest to yourself

You sound very confused and delusional , You dont just Find the one and suddenly become attracted to men ... Ive found the one but i am still sexually attracted to men in general, im not sexually attracted to him BECAUSE hes the one, although it does help that hes gorgeous.

If you want my opinion based on what you've said here, I think you're gay and frightened about it, which given your family background is totally understandable. However, your sexuality is yours to do what you want with. You can't choose who you find attractive, but you can choose what to do about it. You can put the whole thing on the back burner and be celibate for a while if you want. Or forever. You are perfectly free to keep on waiting for Mr. Right to come along if that's what you want. You are allowed to spend another year or decade or the rest of your life figuring out if that really is what you want. You're free. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

I think some counselling from a good LGBT-friendly therapist might be a sensible idea.

(FWIW I am bisexual myself, but have never had a proper relationship with a woman because I'm too bloody shy to approach them and I feel like I wouldn't know what to do! I think it's pretty normal to be nervous about it.)

You need to own your feelings. Own them.

Don't label them yet and don't blame your manager. Own them.

"Stop thinking about gender and start thinking about falling in love/sex with a person based on them; and not their sexuality/gender"

I know people mean well, but this advice is not appropriate. This poster is a gay person in a confused mess, not fluid, bi or any of that. The gender and sexuality element is critical here. She is going to damage her mental health if she carries on pursuing relationships with men and ignoring her true self.

I don't want to be gay myself

I think you could benefit from some counselling as your deep-rooted feelings about the above will possibly mean you never have a fulfilling relationship x

I think you have some very, very deep rooted issues that need to be explored carefully, by a professional, who can really help you uncover who you are and celebrate that.

These days, you really do not need to worry about being gay/straight; more and more people are accepting that sexuality can be fluid, and I wholeheartedly agree that you fall in love with a person, not their gender.

I think it's interesting that you state that you have been hugely involved in the gay community and always have been. What lead to your involvement? What drew you to it in the first place? It seems to me that from a young age there was something appealing about the gay community, something that made you feel safe, or understood perhaps? It is also interesting that you go on to state that you are an an avid campaigner of gay rights but that you don't want to be gay yourself. Well, IMO, that's not a choice. You cannot decide that you don't want to be gay, although you can decide to try and deny it. What makes you not want to be gay?

May I also ask why you don't masturbate? Not that it's obligatory, of course, I just wonder why. Are you worried about the images that may form in your head as you do so?

TBH, I honestly don't see how you can be straight. You are not sexually attracted to men, you have had a relationship with a man but it sounds like the sexual part of that was deeply disturbing for you. Straight people don't fill out monitoring forms and describe themselves as gay. Straight women don't constantly daydream about finding a nice woman to marry, coming out as gay, being involved as a lesbian in the gay community, kissing a woman, having sex with a woman.

You may be gay, you may be bisexual, it really doesn't matter. What does matter is being honest with yourself, being proud of yourself, and most of all, allowing yourself to have all sorts of friendships, relationships and experiences that will allow you to find happiness.

If your parents and wider family will disown you for not being straight, then sadly they do not love you unconditionally and you would be better off surrounding yourself with people who accept you for who you are.

I am feminine and no one has ever suspected I'm gay. But the last two years I've noticed that changing.

My Manager clearly knows but doesn't say anything. I don't know if she likes me but she said if I was lesbian I'd be exactly what she would go for and she said I was very pretty. She was drunk though.