I've always been very interested and involved in the gay community and all my friends are gay. I however, am straight.
I can find a man objectively handsome and can be very attracted to a mans smile and eyes.
I am completely convinced that I just haven't met the right guy for me yet. I'm 27 and I have wasted a lot of time by dating men that I had no sexual feelings for and never falling in love. At 23 I started dating a man and we got engaged/had a child after 3 years. I thought I was in love but it was only after having my son I realised the love was purely platonic and sex became so upsetting for me I ended the relationship so that he could be free to meet someone who could be right for him.
I've done some online dating but not met anyone I'm remotely interested in. I'm sure I will bump into a guy soon and everything will make sense once I've met my soulmate.
Even if I never meet the one, that still doesn't make me lesbian.
Anyway. On another point. I find some women striking to look at and notice their beauty. There's a few women I seem to have 'feelings' for but I don't actually even understand what I mean by that. My manager is a lesbian and despite my very very best efforts I cannot stop thinking about her. It's absolutely destroying me. She joked when drunk that I was 'exactly what she goes for in a woman' and now I feel completely in turmoil.
So much so that I feel physically ill.
I spend my days daydreaming about being in a relationship and buying some kittens 
and settling down. We have so much in common.
I've now put it at the back of my head and decided it's nothing more than a fantasy like children have on their teachers but I keep noticing how pretty women are around me and no longer noticing men. I joined POF as a lesbian not straight and I deleted my profile before I took it any further.
When I have to fill out equality and monitoring forms I now say 'gay' not straight as it feels more true.
When people talk to me about hot men I feel sad and like i don't fit in to this conversation anymore. I don't masturbate, but if I were to, it would definitely be a woman I would think of. I'm too scared to even go there.
I constantly daydream about finding a nice woman to marry, coming out as gay, being involved as a lesbian in the gay community, kissing a woman, having sex with a woman. I have googled 'how to know you're a lesbian' so many times I can memorise the pages off by heart.
I just don't understand what on earth is happening to me. Can someone really go from straight to gay at the age of 27 with no previous lesbian feelings? I think I'm just lonely maybe and saying I'm gay as I've not found the right man for me. I'm still sure I'm straight but this is absolutely all consuming and it's destroying me if I'm honest. I don't want to be lesbian and my life would be so much easier if I was not. AIBU to work on putting all these thoughts behind me, and finding myself a man who will be right for me.
I feel at peace finally that these thoughts are simply fantasy. Not to be taken seriously and I shouldn't be feeding them. It's self destructive and time consuming/a waste of time. People have crushes and fantasies all the times and they don't mean anything. This is how I've always felt.
Do you think this is hugely unreasonable? Surely what I think and feel is my business and no one else's? I ask because my best friend wants me to go to discuss the possibility of being lesbian but I feel there's nothing to discuss.