To decide that my lesbian fantasies are just that and don't mean I'm gay

[user1493797837]

I've always been very interested and involved in the gay community and all my friends are gay. I however, am straight.

I can find a man objectively handsome and can be very attracted to a mans smile and eyes.
I am completely convinced that I just haven't met the right guy for me yet. I'm 27 and I have wasted a lot of time by dating men that I had no sexual feelings for and never falling in love. At 23 I started dating a man and we got engaged/had a child after 3 years. I thought I was in love but it was only after having my son I realised the love was purely platonic and sex became so upsetting for me I ended the relationship so that he could be free to meet someone who could be right for him.

I've done some online dating but not met anyone I'm remotely interested in. I'm sure I will bump into a guy soon and everything will make sense once I've met my soulmate.

Even if I never meet the one, that still doesn't make me lesbian.

Anyway. On another point. I find some women striking to look at and notice their beauty. There's a few women I seem to have 'feelings' for but I don't actually even understand what I mean by that. My manager is a lesbian and despite my very very best efforts I cannot stop thinking about her. It's absolutely destroying me. She joked when drunk that I was 'exactly what she goes for in a woman' and now I feel completely in turmoil.
So much so that I feel physically ill.

I spend my days daydreaming about being in a relationship and buying some kittens and settling down. We have so much in common.

I've now put it at the back of my head and decided it's nothing more than a fantasy like children have on their teachers but I keep noticing how pretty women are around me and no longer noticing men. I joined POF as a lesbian not straight and I deleted my profile before I took it any further.

When I have to fill out equality and monitoring forms I now say 'gay' not straight as it feels more true.

When people talk to me about hot men I feel sad and like i don't fit in to this conversation anymore. I don't masturbate, but if I were to, it would definitely be a woman I would think of. I'm too scared to even go there.

I constantly daydream about finding a nice woman to marry, coming out as gay, being involved as a lesbian in the gay community, kissing a woman, having sex with a woman. I have googled 'how to know you're a lesbian' so many times I can memorise the pages off by heart.

I just don't understand what on earth is happening to me. Can someone really go from straight to gay at the age of 27 with no previous lesbian feelings? I think I'm just lonely maybe and saying I'm gay as I've not found the right man for me. I'm still sure I'm straight but this is absolutely all consuming and it's destroying me if I'm honest. I don't want to be lesbian and my life would be so much easier if I was not. AIBU to work on putting all these thoughts behind me, and finding myself a man who will be right for me.

I feel at peace finally that these thoughts are simply fantasy. Not to be taken seriously and I shouldn't be feeding them. It's self destructive and time consuming/a waste of time. People have crushes and fantasies all the times and they don't mean anything. This is how I've always felt.

Do you think this is hugely unreasonable? Surely what I think and feel is my business and no one else's? I ask because my best friend wants me to go to discuss the possibility of being lesbian but I feel there's nothing to discuss.

Not asexual.

I have sexual feelings for women.

I just don't actually want to have sex with one.

I also, to an extent have sexual feelings for men in that I can find men attractive. I don't want to have sex with men either though.

But I do have sexual feelings. No idea what that makes me.

Having sexual feelings but not actually wanting sex can fall on the aspec. Worth looking into if you're sure you don't want to have sex with women.

I'd have said gay tbh but if you're absolutely sure you're not then I'd consider that

So if you were in a relationship with your manager you wouldnt be wanting to have sex with her?

Yes I'd want sex with my Manager.

I love her I think.

But I don't generally want sex with women and the thought of having sex with my Manager, although something I'd like to be comfortable with, makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit sick if I'm honest.

So I do and I don't. My body does, my head doesn't.

Thats not a matter of not being gay, but a matter of not having accepted it

I think it makes you a gay woman who is repressing her sexuality for fear of her family's reaction. A dear friend of mine was in this position 8 years ago. Reasonably content in her marriage, had a cute kid.

She then fell madly in love with a woman at work and left her husband to be with her. Her parents went mad (literally) and it took years for them to get over it but they showed their true colours so were no great loss.

My friend said at the time that she wasn't sure if she was gay or if it was just this one person who happened to be female who was exactly right for her. Now she identifies as gay. They're still blissfully happy together.

It's your life. Figure out what you want and don't let fear make you hide from yourself.

OP, have a look at demisexuality, see if that makes sense of your feelings. Demisexuals can be of any sexual orientation btw.

demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/

In a nutshell:- A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships.

Hi User

Have you anyone in real life you can talk to about this? maybe some of your friends in the gay community? You may discover that they have been on the same journey you are currently on. It may seem an uncomfortable and perilous journey, but the destination is worth it!

Basically , if the facts are that you don't find men sexually attractive, but you do find women sexually attractive, then you are gay. It's not a sin, or a bad thing. Coming to terms with it can be difficult, especially if you have had a homophobic and anti gay upbringing.

I think you know this anyway. You are attracted to the gay community and lifestyle - something about it makes you feel comfortable. Stating that you 'don't want to be gay' is in complete contrast to being an activist for gay rights. You know full well a person does not choose to be gay or not. They just are or they aren't. The simplest test for me - but you say you don't indulge - is when you are having a wank, do you think about men, women or both?

Finally for me, if you were heterosexual, you would find men sexual attractive. Men on the telly, co workers, the milkman, Jeremy Corbyn...there would be at least one man you know of that would - to quote a mumsnet phrase - give you the fanny gallops.

Hi OP,
I'm a lesbian. A closeted lesbian. I'm 18, and I don't post much if at all, it's just that r post sounds a lot like me from the ages 12-16. I had to jump in.
Online - here and Twitter at least - I'm 'out'. Before I realised I was gay... I behaved a bit like you - the denial thing, the 'I can't be because...'
Took a while to realise but I had to work on my own internalised homophobia before I felt comfortable with myself. It wasn't that I was homophobic but... I just refused to allow myself to /be/ myself. Couldn't come to terms with the fact that I was rebelling against what my family believed. It took a long, slow time (at least two years) before I came to terms with it. Still closeted now, but happy with myself enough to know that when I'm ready to come out, I will -- and can blank over any homophobia within my family.

To me, you sound gay - you sound like a lesbian who's repressing it naturally in fear of this rejection. Of course, no one here can sit and reach into your head and say 'yes, you are gay'; sexuality is indeed incredibly fluid and accommodating these days, and very personal to you. If, at the moment, you are happy to believe that what you're experiencing is just fantasy then that is personal to you and no one has the right to tell you that's wrong. You may find that as time passes - six months, a year, two years, that your views change. What you feel like right now may change in time and your identity will change accordingly.

-- plus, I think feeling a bit nervous or iffy about having sex with your manager is natural. Especially if she would be your first lesbian relationship/sexual partner! That's going out of your comfort zone and everyone is a little scared of that. I haven't had a girlfriend yet and even I feel a bit iffy on that - but I know I want it!

So to answer your OP... no, there isn't an issue with believing that you simply fantasise about women, so long as it isn't detrimental to your health and that you really, truly know that you aren't hiding who you are IYKWIM. To me, the fact that you've posted here suggests you are questioning at least.

I hope you don't mind that I've posted - also, I hope this doesn't seem patronising! That's really not my intention ^^;
I wish you well and hope you find peace some way or another; whether that's as a happily out - lesbian, bi or otherwise - lady or continuing as you are now :)

Thank you perplex

I found hat really useful

I think with me, only time will tell. How will I feel this time next year. I think I just need time to work out who and what I am

I have no desire to have actual sex with a woman.

This simply isn't true, is it?

You want to have sex with your manager.

Stop lying to yourself, the only person you're hurting is you (and possibly any man you might try to convince yourself you can stand to be with in the future.)

If you are in love with your manager and want to have sex with her AND you don't find men attractive beyond a kind of aesthetic 'he's quite pleasant to look at' way, you are gay. You may decide never to act on that preference. But to claim you are straight is ridiculous, sorry. You're more 'gay' than me and I'm an out bisexual woman who would never claim to be straight, because I'm not.

I'm sorry to be blunt but this is excruciating to read.

I mean all this in the kindest way btw - I can tell you are struggling it's just that I've watched friends almost ruin their lives and mental health trying to stay in the closet for similar reasons and I'd hate it to happen to you x

OP your threads are all about convincing us but mostly yourself that you are not gay when actually they are all screaming "I am gay but I am too scared to admit it".

You are obviously denying this due to your family/community views on homosexuality. Its not up to them, they cannot tell you that you are wrong to be attracted to women. You cannot change your own nature, your own feelings and who you are attracted to. It is you, you shouldnt even be trying to change who you are. Be true to yourself not what someone else tells you you should be.

You havent found one man you are attracted to by now yet you find women attractive. You would want to have sex with your boss yet you wont consider it as you are waiting for some knight in shining armour to sweep you off your feet into hetro land? Its not going to happen. Let yourself go and see where it takes you, you dont have to run off and marry your boss just see what happens when you let your heart rule your head this once. Never mind your family, if they cant love you for who you are then they are not worth it. If they are following some religion that defines homosexuality as wrong or a 'sin' at the expense of their loved ones then its a bad religion. Nobody choses to be gay. Nobody choses to be hetro. Nobody choses to be bi. Its just a fact of who they are.

You really need some help coming to terms with who you are and what you are going to do with your life. Are you going to deny yourself any chance of a happy relationship while you are waiting for 'Mr Right'? What a waste of a life. BTW there was a woman on This Morning on a 'relationship advice' section not too long ago and she was 60 years old and had never told anyone she was gay. Imagine! All those years not being herself, denying herself happiness. Its too awful to contemplate, dont be that woman.

Aw mate

My aunt is in her late 60's, has spent the last 30 odd years in relationships with women but told me recently that she isn't gay and just wants to meet a man and settle down.

She was brought up in a tiny community where homosexuality was shameful when she was growing up. The shame for her is so deep, she can't accept herself and be happy.

Don't be like my aunt. Don't get to your late 60's and still not accept yourself.

I'm sorry you feel so conflicted, it must be very hard.
But to be honest, it sounds like the answer is very clear to us strangers on the internet: you are a lesbian, but you don't want to be/are afraid.
It's understandable, particularly given your family's viewpoints, but it seems obvious what you want.
To compare: I am a straight woman, so while I can think a woman is attractive objectively, I definitely have no romantic or sexual feelings towards women (mostly just envy lol). Whereas you definitely do (not in general you say, but certainly towards your manager).
Just because you don't desire women in general doesn't make you not gay - think about it - you wouldn't expect a straight woman to fancy ALL MEN, so similarly you don't fancy ALL WOMEN, but you do this particular one.

Having read on, I think the best thing to do is to get into a gay relationship but take it sloooooooow. Once you have got to know someone the sexual feeling for them will probably increase to the point where you do want to have sex surely. You are trying to eat a whole orange at once instead of taking it segment by segment surely?

Thanks everyone.

I do have some kind of sexual attraction for men. I can half fancy them. But if I were to actually start dating them I can't imagine there being any interest after a few weeks. I might be able to have sex and find them physically attractive but then I'd just get bored.

With women I get the feeling I wouldn't get bored and he love would grow rather than lessen.

I think you are gay.. try to be true to yourself and just go with it.. see where it takes you. Good luck

Not RTFT about at the part where you said you haven't found the right man yet to be sexually attracted to men, have you not found any man? I mean there are people that I find extremely sexually attractive I fantasise about, if you can't find a single man but can about women then that's a clear indication to me

With women I get the feeling I wouldn't get bored and he love would grow rather than lessen.

that's your answer. That's how you'll find 'the one'.

Can I tell you a story? One of my best friends grew up in an extremely religious environment and when I first met him was deep in denial about his sexuality and was dating women. He said some very similar things to what you're saying now. Eventually he ended up being perseuaded to go to some kind of awful 'pray away the gay' group which nearly cost him his sanity it was a turning point for him and he came out later that year. The thing is, with very few exceptions, his friends and family were supportive, despite being conservative/religious. He's a totally different person now several years down the line and is marrying his husband to be next spring. Their love is a glorious thing to behold and he is has most definitely found 'the one'

I'm telling you this because that could be you. It's no less than you deserve x

There's a huge spectrum between straight and gay - feel free to define yourself however you would like. I define myself as heteroflexible. I am currently in two relationships, I am the happiest I have ever been.

You don't have to date a woman to be attracted to them. It's not something you have to follow through on, however, if you feel like there is something missing and you are constantly striving for something but not achieving it in relationships, it may be worth considering going on a date with a woman. You really have nothing to lose, as long as you are OK with your sexuality and defining it in whatever way you feel most comfortable with.

You only get one life.

Better to be with who you want to be with than live your whole life lonely. Easy for me to say i know

You sound gay to me.
Straight people don't register themselves on dating sites as "lesbian" nor do they put "gay" as sexuality on official forms.
I am straight and have always had fantasies about men. I have never fantasized about being with a woman - it just doesn't appeal, those thoughts wouldn't enter my head. That's how I know I am straight and not bi or lesbian.

When you dream, do you dream about men or women?
Dreams can tell you a lot.

I think your upbringing has drilled into you that it isn't ok for you to be gay but it is ok to be gay. I also think you are frightened of starting a relationship with someone and it becoming physical and all that involves. I think you are very worried about your family's reaction.

You need some time to reflect and probably some counseling to talk through your feelings.

The reaction and feelings you are having towards your manager sound exactly like the sort of reaction and feelings you hope to find with some theoretical man in the future. However, you are having them for a woman. She has awakened something in you and it must be overwhelming.

I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness and peace.

May I ask why you put Gay on official forms? All the vest, I hope you find your true self whatever it is.

*best