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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long is a reasonable time off work?

116 replies

Seeeeriously · 02/05/2017 11:00

NC because...well....

A colleague lost a grandparent the week before last. Colleague is a decent employee but never does anything extra in an industry where extras are expected (this results in others doing these extras for colleague).

The grandparent had not raised them as a parent, IYSWIM. Grandparent had been poorly for a week or so.

So far, colleague has had six days off, and has sent a message saying they will be continue to be absent 'this week' due to funeral arrangements / funeral.

Last week, colleague was supporting parents and clearing Grandparent's house.

Others in team are covering colleague's work at a VERY busy time of year.

AIBU to be a little Hmm at this extended absence?

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 02/05/2017 12:46

When my Grandfather died who I was close to, I was told I couldn't have the day off for his funeral as he was 'only a Grandparent'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2017 12:46

They shouldn't be getting paid leave to house clear. When dhs mother died, I went over (to France) and took a week off to be with him and his father. I didn't expect to be paid as it was a relatively new job but I was. I wouldn't have taken all that time off had it not been for the distance. If your colleague is able to dispose of gps stuff then it isn't any surprise you're questioning if perhaps they should be a work.

MrsGB2225 · 02/05/2017 12:48

I was allowed one day and then I took the rest of the week as holiday. That was the HR policy.

UppityHumpty · 02/05/2017 12:50

If your employer expects unpaid extras it's probably a high stress job. A lot of High stress jobs HAVE to take care of their employees because they have high burn out/suicide rates. My guess is if they allow 2 weeks for a grandparents death, they will also be generous for miscarriages, still births, and adoption leave. All of which employers are shitty at really.

user1493022461 · 02/05/2017 12:51

Who are you to decide how upset or devastated she must be. What does it have to do with you that her parents need her support to help with all the sorting out?

The people doing her work for her can have an opinion. You don't get to just not go to work for such reasons.

MrsCharlieD · 02/05/2017 12:51

Does the person expect to be paid for their time off? Our policy is a days compassionate leave, it's more more a parent or child. My grandma is currently very ill and we're expecting the worst in the not too distant future. When the worst happens I expect I'll need a couple of days initially as I will be heartbroken but I will take this as emergency annual leave. I'll then use compassionate leave for the funeral.

We also wouldn't be allowed to just text in, I am senior management and I still have to call my boss. I think you need to check what you hr policy is as she may be expecting this to be jn paid anyway.

Newkidontheblock22 · 02/05/2017 12:53

I have to say having recently lost my Grandad I could have done with a decent amount of time off work as there was a lot to do.

I had to take on all the practical jobs including funeral arrangements as my mum was too upset to deal with most of it. Its easy to say that as 'only' a grandparent they shouldn't need so much time but you just can't judge a relationship like that. I am still devastated by my loss 3 months on and my Grandad didn't raise me or particularly spend masses of time together.

Of course its hard if colleagues need to pick up the slack but personally I'd be happy to do that for another colleague who is grieving

diddlysquat0 · 02/05/2017 12:56

Just to clarify my point as I think it sounds harsher than intended. I'm not implying taking time off for stress is getting away with it, Of course it is genuine in many cases. But I have seen where taking a few weeks every couple years for an additional break is treated so leniently that it has become standard. Heard colleagues say, he's pissed me off, I'm going to see my GP and get signed off, that'll show them. Yes truly!

5foot5 · 02/05/2017 12:59

never does anything extra in an industry where extras are expected (this results in others doing these extras for colleague).

No annual leave - we have set holidays.

On the face of it this sounds like a pretty shit place to work - expecting "Extras" (so they are not really extra are they?) and you can only take leave when you are told.

Could your colleague be taking unpaid leave? It might sound like a lot of time off but it may not be the case that they are just sitting around prostrate with grief. There is a great deal to sort out when someone dies (recent experience here as my Mum died a few months ago) If your colleagues parents are elderly then she might be doing the bulk of this herself.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/05/2017 13:00

Topuptheglass

so sorry, its not even bearable is it? I hope she can pass peacefully, good luck. tough times Sad for you all; xxx

Jaxhog · 02/05/2017 13:03

Wow, 2 weeks! I've never worked anywhere that gave that much compassionate leave. But I've not worked in the public sector. Maybe it's different there?

BarbaraofSeville · 02/05/2017 13:06

On the face of it this sounds like a pretty shit place to work - expecting "Extras" (so they are not really extra are they?) and you can only take leave when you are told

Totally standard in lots of industries. Maybe the OP is a teacher and they are coming up to exam season?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2017 13:07

It doesn't sound like unpaid leave because more senior staff are questioning the time off. Surely they'd know if it was unpaid and not discuss the situation, which really they should be addressing with hr anyway.

Peanutandphoenix · 02/05/2017 13:08

When my nan died on new years day I got the day of her funeral off work did offer to let me have 2 weeks bereavement leave but I refused it in the end I got to the point where I couldn't cope in work and had 2 weeks off due to stress around the time of what would've been my nans birthday work where fine about me having that time off they understood why I needed it and I had done the right thing trying to work through it all. Everyone is different though some people cope ok when they loose someone other people fall to pieces.

jay55 · 02/05/2017 13:08

They might be useless if they came in, distracted by arrangements and grief.

5foot5 · 02/05/2017 13:25

Totally standard in lots of industries. Maybe the OP is a teacher and they are coming up to exam season?

Fair point. Never thought of the teaching situation.

However, presumably someone is sanctioning this leave rather than her just not turning up?

brasty · 02/05/2017 13:29

JaxHog The public sector does not give this. Standard is one day for funeral.

Judydreamsofhorses · 02/05/2017 13:30

We are entitled to five days of paid leave for the death of a parent, sibling, partner/spouse or child, but you need to "apply" for it, so I guess in theory it could be refused. For any other relative it would just be the day off for the funeral.

Flimbo · 02/05/2017 13:36

When someone dies, there is a bereavement, and it is the worst possible time of their families life - yet some people from outside who are not emotionally connected, feel they have the right to judge a colleagues reaction to the loss of a loved one

I have even heard bereaved people negatively judge other bereaved people for not 'doing it right' as if it is some kind of race and to negate the pain that people are going through - real comment I heard within the last couple of months ''God knows why he needs a fortnight off when his Dad died, I only had three days off!'' - Ewwww

OP I really think you should lay off and empathize that they are going though a much tougher time than you - are you one of those people who moan when they are stuck in traffic because someone has died in the road - that your day is so much worse?

User2468 · 02/05/2017 13:43

How do you know she isn't using annual leave for this? Yes, it does seem extreme but until you know the full details you can't judge.

user1493022461 · 02/05/2017 13:52

yet some people from outside who are not emotionally connected, feel they have the right to judge a colleagues reaction to the loss of a loved one

Of course they do, when they are taking weeks off because their granny dies. You can't just do as you please and no-one is allowed to say a wor because "grief".

SapphireStrange · 02/05/2017 13:53

You can't just do as you please and no-one is allowed to say a wor because "grief".

Yes you can. You never know what is going on in other people's lives and all bets are off when it comes to grief in particular.

user1493022461 · 02/05/2017 14:03

You really can't. Not without consequence anyway. All bets are most certainly not off!

5foot5 · 02/05/2017 14:04

You never know what is going on in other people's lives and all bets are off when it comes to grief in particular.

And apart from all that you don't know that "grief" is the reason they need this time off. OP said that this colleague is supporting parents and clearing GPs house. The colleague may be in the position of having to do the lion's share of the sorting out. There is a lot to do - schlepping about for certificates and registering the death; seeing funeral directors; meeting with the vicar; arranging after funeral refreshments which might include hiring a venue; going through GPs address book to ring everyone who knew her to let them know. That is before you get on to clearing her house, which might have to be done sooner rather than later if it was a council owned property and they have given notice. And some old people can be such terrible hoarders.

Honestly, this person could well have their hands absolutely full rather than it being a question of swanning around feeling sorry for themselves as some people seem to be implying.

user1493022461 · 02/05/2017 14:06

Honestly, this person could well have their hands absolutely full rather than it being a question of swanning around feeling sorry for themselves as some people seem to be implying

That makes no difference. You can't just not go to work because you have things to do either.
What planet are people on ( or more accurately, what mythical jobs do they have) where you can just not go to work for however long you want because your grandparent died? Especially when you have parents?