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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long is a reasonable time off work?

116 replies

Seeeeriously · 02/05/2017 11:00

NC because...well....

A colleague lost a grandparent the week before last. Colleague is a decent employee but never does anything extra in an industry where extras are expected (this results in others doing these extras for colleague).

The grandparent had not raised them as a parent, IYSWIM. Grandparent had been poorly for a week or so.

So far, colleague has had six days off, and has sent a message saying they will be continue to be absent 'this week' due to funeral arrangements / funeral.

Last week, colleague was supporting parents and clearing Grandparent's house.

Others in team are covering colleague's work at a VERY busy time of year.

AIBU to be a little Hmm at this extended absence?

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 02/05/2017 11:47

Xmasbaby "However, if I were you I would be grateful to work for such a compassionate company."

yes, I really agree with this. I suppose it doesn't feel like that if you are doing extra hours to cover the person though.

Chilledpanda · 02/05/2017 11:47

I took no time off when my grandmother died (very close, she lived next door) as I wouldn't have been paid as I only work part time. Due to being part time I did have a few non working days after it happened and the funeral fell on my day off.
My Dad died suddenly a few months later and I took a week off. It was a horrible shock, he was only 50 and wasn't ill, that we knew about. I wasn't ready to go back but I couldn't afford not to.
I think your workplace is being very kind but I think more than a week for a grandparent is a bit much.

expatinscotland · 02/05/2017 11:47

HR guidelines? Are they being paid? It sounds like a lot for a grandparent.

Goldfishjane · 02/05/2017 11:50

people saying "it's a grandparent" - you can't know how much the relationship is an issue though. There will be a vast difference between my mum or dad dying in terms of how I feel....!!

I note the OP said about house clearing - but have you spoken to the colleague direct? It could be that they are not in a fit state to be at work?I can see how house clearing and sitting down to cry quite a lot would be very different than being at work.

Peakyblinder · 02/05/2017 11:52

How is it being taken ??
paid leave or unpaid ??

nokidshere · 02/05/2017 11:56

Yes yabu

Grief is personal, it doesn't matter what the relationship with the deceased was. Who are you to decide how upset or devastated she must be. What does it have to do with you that her parents need her support to help with all the sorting out?

How she performs at work is down to her boss to sort out and is not connected to the grief of losing someone you love.

CryingShame · 02/05/2017 11:58

We'd get up to 3 days in this case, one for the funeral, and two for travel if needed. You get up to 2 weeks but that's for immediate family e.g. parent, spouse. I had 2 days immediately after MIL died to help support DH and drive him (he was in no fit state and MIL lived elsewhere in the country) and then another day for the funeral.

Why is this not being dealt with by the manager / HR? It may be that there's more to this than you know about but I'd be amazed if this isn't being taken out of their leave allocation.

PowerPantsRule · 02/05/2017 12:04

I think it's incredibly long but I know I am hard line about this. I was at work when one of my parents died suddenly and I took a week off.

I think it helps to be back at work instead of wallowing it. Peakyblinder makes a good point - is it paid or unpaid leave? If it is paid, then I'm afraid I think that is taking the piss. I would be very surprised if this amount of time is not being taken as leave.

My view is that the more unexpected a death it is, the bigger the shock and stress. The death of a grandparent is not unexpected, is it?

SapphireStrange · 02/05/2017 12:04

More senior staff have been asking me questions; they'll be dealing with this, not me.

Senior staff should be boning up on the compassionate leave policy rather than hassling you.

YABU to judge. You've no idea how this colleague is feeling and, for now at least, no idea (unless I've missed something) what the formal policy is or if the colleague has agreed something with management.

And not doing 'extra' work, extras being expected, and others having to pick up the slack, are management issues, not for individual staff members to complain about.

HomityBabbityPie · 02/05/2017 12:10

I think it's terrible tbh that it's seen as being inconvenient to take time off to grieve. We need to allow for that a lot more in society.

DontBeASalmon · 02/05/2017 12:11

that's fine as long as it's taken as annual leave, or unpaid leave. Some people really need time to grieve, but that's what their leaves are for.

No way this should come as "sick leave" , and for a grand parent 1 day as a compassionate leave seems standard. 3 days if you are really lucky and your company is generous.

I was given paid leave to assist to friends family funeral, but my employer is generous and I can't count the hours of over time I have done. It goes both ways.

HomityBabbityPie · 02/05/2017 12:11

Colleague is a decent employee but never does anything extra in an industry where extras are expected (this results in others doing these extras for colleague).

And also, why the fuck should anyone have to do "extras", assuming they're not getting paid more for doing them?

If "extras" are a regular thing then surely they should just be part of the standard job description and remunerated accordingly?

Vroomster · 02/05/2017 12:15

NHS here, I've known no time off allowed as it's not classed as a direct relative. It's manager's discretion usually.

brasty · 02/05/2017 12:16

I have taken sick leave for bereavement.

Bobbydeniro69 · 02/05/2017 12:19

It's one of those situations that you have to step away from - to just do what it's front of you and let HR/ senior staff & managers deal with any flouting of the HR policy.

Your judgement seems to be clouded by how busy you are , and it shouldn't be really. The issue is the HR bereavement policy , not how busy you are. Policies are not made and adhered to on the basis of how busy a workplace is.

This member of staff could easily just bung a sick note in for stress/anxiety /depression and be off for weeks anyway. You yourself might unfortunately have to do this one day as well, you never know, and colleagues might have to ' cover' for you.

I think it's time to focus on getting what needs to be done at work done without it impacting on your own health . Make a note of everything else you are doing - it might even be of benefit come a job interview in the future . Put a stop to this building resentment of your colleague, as it's only making you feel frustrated and negative.

flowery · 02/05/2017 12:22

If you are struggling with your workload as a result of your colleague's absence you need to raise it with your manager, who presumably was the one who authorised your colleague taking longer than the usual compassionate leave in the first place.

diddlysquat0 · 02/05/2017 12:32

it's 1 - 2 days for a grandparent and 5 days for immediate family. This is standard. If a person needs longer, they can see their GP and get signed off if necessary. I found that when I experienced real grief, getting back to work was actually better than staying at home as otherwise I just sat there feeling shell shocked and lost and in a soggy heap. People take the piss in my opinion!

SapphireStrange · 02/05/2017 12:32

diddly, you may have felt better for going back to work, but other people might need the time off.

Puddington · 02/05/2017 12:35

When my grandmother died (she didn't "raise" me as such but I spent a lot of time with her growing up, I was always the favourite grandchild and we were very close) I told my manager in tears that after I had just found out and she breezily told me I could have "the afternoon off" for the funeral Shock I was too shocked to say anything but the next morning I realised I simply couldn't cope with going into work so soon and called in, and luckily the manager who picked up was a human being who said "oh my god, don't worry about work, take the week off". I hadn't wanted to take the piss or anything but THE AFTERNOON OFF? I will never forget it.

hazeydays14 · 02/05/2017 12:35

Vroomster NHS also, I was allowed one day compassionate leave to be taken at time of death or for funeral according to our policy, I suppose each trust may be different though.

Puddington · 02/05/2017 12:37

(Also, to add, it was unpaid leave but I wasn't worried about that, I really just couldn't cope for a few days and would have been useless at work personally.)

Viviennemary · 02/05/2017 12:37

I'd have thought only the day off for a funeral would be the usual. But holiday leave or leave of absence unpaid would be reasonable. And time of paid to clear a house would be absurd. But give and take re annual leave or unpaid leave depending on the circumstances.

diddlysquat0 · 02/05/2017 12:41

yes, appreciate that Sapphire. I know we are all different.
I lost a grandparent I was very close to and it was bloody hard but I did not expect heaps of time off work. I got on with it. Same when I lost immediate family. I considered being signed off but felt guilt for my team and also that what would be the point of sitting round.

Yes we are all different, yes some people are naturally more resilient, but I still think that this is most likely the colleague getting away with what they can.

SapphireStrange · 02/05/2017 12:43

I still think that this is most likely the colleague getting away with what they can.

Well, that pretty much negates the foregoing stuff you say about people all being different.

You could just as easily assume that they're struggling and need the time. But no, based on just your experience, you decide instead that they're likely just taking the piss.

diddlysquat0 · 02/05/2017 12:44

Also, my point was that if the colleague is having some kind of breakdown as a result, they should see their GP for help, and be signed off rather than the workplace just granting all that time off. Otherwise the next person to lose someone will take it too as the precedent is set. I have worked in places like that where half the staff are signed off on long term stress because they know they can get away with it.

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