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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding & Money

85 replies

GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 09:05

Morning everyone!

We're getting married next year and I know it's a while off but someone mentioned this yesterday.

It's about wedding gifts. Of course, we do not expect anything from anyone and will make that clear, but if someone did want to give us something WIBU to ask for cash donation?

We don't want/need 'gifts' as we've been living together for 3.5 years and have everything we need and no space to store anything! (Small flat). We want to buy a house after the wedding so any money would be put towards that.

I know it seems grabby but we really would rather nothing than lots of different bits and bobs! 😫

OP posts:

EZA15 · 01/05/2017 09:08

We told people not to buy / bring us anything and we genuinely meant that but the amount of money we got was totally unexpected. I think most of the time people will give money if nothing is specified

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 01/05/2017 09:08

You need a good wedding poem, OP

Creatureofthenight · 01/05/2017 09:09

Loads of people on here have said on other threads that asking for money is grabby. However, the last 7? or so weddings I've attended, only one couple had a gift list, the rest all asked for money. No one seemed to mind! I think if you say it's for a big thing like a house deposit then it's no problem.

jamaicanbobsledder · 01/05/2017 09:09

To be honest, I personally wouldn't as it looks like you're asking for money. I'm sure others disagree. If I didn't want House stuff as gifts I would just not mention it and then by default people tend to give cheques or vouchers in my experience. If you say 'I don't want vouchers' specifically because you want cash for a house then yes you are being grabby.

Whatsername17 · 01/05/2017 09:11

This is always contentious on here. However, most of my friends have done this. We did. We put a note on the invitation saying something along the lines of: as we already lived together we were not registering for gifts and wanted people's presence not presents. But, if people wanted to buy is a gift, Thompson holiday vouchers would be appreciated. Only a few people gave vouchers, most gave money. In other cultures money is the norm.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/05/2017 09:12

I wouldn't, it's tacky and granny and like having to pay an entrance fee to attend.

Just say no gifts then people can decide whether to give cash or nothing. It should be about wanting those guests at the wedding not kitting out your new house when you already live together.

positivity123 · 01/05/2017 09:13

I am 32 and have been to loads of weddings. I never think that asking for money is grabby, I think it is common sense and a reflection of modern lives. I'd much rather

positivity123 · 01/05/2017 09:16

... give money towards house/honeymoon than buy something the couple doesn't need. If there is no instruction then I panic that I have to think about what to buy and I have zero imagination and find it exhausting.
Just ask for money and make it clear it is for a deposit for a house. Don't do a poem.

OwlinaTree · 01/05/2017 09:19

Ask for either vouchers for a diy style shop to do up the new place, or cash towards a deposit. You are giving a choice then.

Shurleyshummishtake · 01/05/2017 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shurleyshummishtake · 01/05/2017 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparechange · 01/05/2017 09:21

It's so Hiacynth Bucket pearl-grabbing-I-read-Debretts-once-don't-you-know to get offended by requests for money or honeymoon contributions

I don't think I've been to a wedding in 10 years where there hasn't been either a honeymoon fund, request for cash or a gift list with options for vouchers instead of objects
And that covers everything from village hall knees ups, to vey naice dos with titled parents

MN is an echo chamber for the professionally offended to come and validate their outrages so please don't take the frothing on here as a benchmark for real life and real friends

Wando1986 · 01/05/2017 09:21

We asked for money. Got lots of money. Maybe it's just where I'm from in the North West but having a registry is much more grabby/tacky than asking for a tenner towards a honeymoon.

Katinkka · 01/05/2017 09:22

Don't even mention it. Most people give cash anyway. My brother had a box for the cards and I didn't see any gifts. I wasn't told what they preferred.

luckylucky24 · 01/05/2017 09:23

Only on MN have I ever heard complaints about money in lieu of gifts. People are happy to give money for birthdays/christenings etc but for weddings people get quite offended. I have no issue with it. It saves me having to think of a present that may be more unique than the 10 sets of champagne glasses they are likely to get!
We asked for money towards our honeymoon and no one complained although some people chose to get us a gift instead (two people).

Clarabell33 · 01/05/2017 09:41

We said pretty much this when we got married. Lots of people chose to give us cash or disposable gifts (wine, fizz, all fab) but ohsomany people thought that just a small gift, e.g. wine glasses, would be nice, after all, who doesn't need more wine glasses... We received eleven sets of glasses, most 4, some 6 and one 8 glass set. I remember sitting and counting how many wine glasses we owned... it was about seventy-odd. Even with some breakages caused by not being as careful as we would have been. I mean, I like wine but I've only got two hands...

I may be alone in this but actually find wedding lists more grabby than asking for cash, usually because the items on there are generally a bit steep for anything nice and the cheaper items are always gone really quickly so you have no choice but to pay £80 for a utensil jar...

Original poster

GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 09:43

We received eleven sets of glasses, most 4, some 6 and one 8 glass set. I remember sitting and counting how many wine glasses we owned... it was about seventy-odd

Oh wow! This would be my nightmare! I like the idea of DIY vouchers! We have 60 guests coming, all family so even though we'll say no gifts, it isn't going to happen!

OP posts:

SomethingBorrowed · 01/05/2017 09:45

If you ask for money the nicest way is to say what you intend to buy , honeymoon, car, house deposit... It feels more like a gift than just money then

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 01/05/2017 09:50

I'm not sure if it's worth asking for money to be honest. At todays' average house prices of £200k you'd have to have incredibly wealthy and generous friends to make a dent in that. Assuming a deposit of £20k, do you think you'll get that in gifts? If not, why bother. Just have a guest list of beautiful things that will last forever and remind you of the giver.

BlondeBecky1983 · 01/05/2017 09:50

I would much rather be told what the bride and groom want rather than guessing and buying something they don't. I would never show up to a wedding without a gift so where's the harm in guiding people? It's still their choice whether or not they give anything.

wheresthel1ght · 01/05/2017 09:55

I HATE the request for holiday/honeymoon contributions but when I married stbxh we explained we didn't want t any gifts but if people felt they wanted to then donations to refitting our kitchen would be appreciated. No one minded and lots felt like they were giving us something we needed /wanted although towards a house is a bit hit odd

Original poster

GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 09:56

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe We certainly don't expect gifts to cover the entire cost of our house deposit And were looking at getting a deposit of £8-10k in total. Anything towards that is a huge help!

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 01/05/2017 09:59

How much do you think you'll get if you ask for cash?

Original poster

GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 10:02

Honestly, no idea!

OP posts:

RebeccatheOld · 01/05/2017 10:04

Ask for the cash. I spent £40 on a colander once for a couple who were divorced within the year.

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