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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding & Money

85 replies

GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 09:05

Morning everyone!

We're getting married next year and I know it's a while off but someone mentioned this yesterday.

It's about wedding gifts. Of course, we do not expect anything from anyone and will make that clear, but if someone did want to give us something WIBU to ask for cash donation?

We don't want/need 'gifts' as we've been living together for 3.5 years and have everything we need and no space to store anything! (Small flat). We want to buy a house after the wedding so any money would be put towards that.

I know it seems grabby but we really would rather nothing than lots of different bits and bobs! 😫

OP posts:
kel1493 · 01/05/2017 10:53

Personally I think any sort of gift registry or asking for money is grabby.
I wouldn't have dreamed of doing so.
We had nothing and were expecting a baby when we got married.
But no way would we have asked for anything- presents or money.
We simply said we don't want anything, just your company on the day, to people who asked.
Some people did get us small things, or put money in a card. But that was their choice.

Onemorewonthurt · 01/05/2017 10:54

I don't like it when I'm asked for money and I don't know many people who do.

A gift for an occasion is one thing, asking for money because you can't think of a gift you want to ask for is another. I think no matter how much people insist they aren't expecting anything the truth is they really are, I think it's a bit rude and grabby if I'm honest.

The last 3 weddings I went to asked for money via the medium of poetry Grin. One in particular said they wanted to buy a house therefore if people could only give £100/£200/£300 etc Hmm, I gave £60 and I'm still waiting for a thank you nearly 4 years later... the worst thing about it was that 6 months or so after the wedding the bride told me they've never seen the point in buying property as they don't want kids and her husband's in the military, they were never intending to buy a house! ConfusedHmm

Onemorewonthurt · 01/05/2017 10:54

I don't like it when I'm asked for money and I don't know many people who do.

A gift for an occasion is one thing, asking for money because you can't think of a gift you want to ask for is another. I think no matter how much people insist they aren't expecting anything the truth is they really are, I think it's a bit rude and grabby if I'm honest.

The last 3 weddings I went to asked for money via the medium of poetry Grin. One in particular said they wanted to buy a house therefore if people could only give £100/£200/£300 etc Hmm, I gave £60 and I'm still waiting for a thank you nearly 4 years later... the worst thing about it was that 6 months or so after the wedding the bride told me they've never seen the point in buying property as they don't want kids and her husband's in the military, they were never intending to buy a house! ConfusedHmm

witsender · 01/05/2017 11:02

I've never seen it done before (asking for.money) but it must be quite common the number of times it comes up on here.

thecolonelbumminganugget · 01/05/2017 11:03

Since a pp mentioned debretts, here's what it says on compiling a wedding list 'the bride and groom should choose items across a wide range which will help guests feel less restricted in their choice of present. A couple a whose homes are well equipped can choose presents which are more specialised. More unusual options include donations to charity, building a collection of books or furniture or starting a wine cellar. It is unusual to ask for money; some couples simply request nothing at all.'

Reading between the lines 'if you want cash, ask for nothing'. We've gone for a john lewis list but have added more 'unusual' items that we really want like board games and brewing equipment ie we already live together and have plates and stuff so have gone for more personal gifts relating to our hobbies and stacked most of it around the 10 - 30 quid range but have made it very clear that a gift is unexpected and totally not required. We have still had quite a few people who have asked if cash is ok instead.

On the whole I can't recommend debretts wedding guide highly enough. It very gently guides you through things you might want to consider without telling you what to do or having a fucking opinion on everything in a way that if you ask any other human they will!

Seriously, it might sound mad and old fashioned but debretts wedding guide is your best friend when planning a wedding (we are not having a traditional wedding by any stretch and it's still kept us sane over the last year)

brownear · 01/05/2017 11:12

I find the money poems a bit tacky and grabby. I would never ask for money. Just say in the invite that since you already live together that you don't need household gifts and leave it at that.

People might goose to give you money or another gift eg restaurant vouchers, an afternoon tea voucher. Their choice tho - you don't get to pick!

Some people will ask in which case you can explain money since it'll go towards your next house.

SecretNortherner · 01/05/2017 11:14

I'm going to 3 weddings this year and money is definitely the norm.
If you have more 'traditional' guests coming maybe have a small list of gifts you would like. My brother has asked for cash instead of gifts. but we have a lot of older relatives who don't enjoy giving money as a gift, so he made a short list of gifts to those who asked. He worded it in the invite so you could ask for the gift list if you didn't want to give cash.

peachgreen · 01/05/2017 11:15

Pretty much every wedding I've ever been (other than my own - we moved countries 2 weeks after our wedding so had a good old fashioned John Lewis list!) to has asked for money in lieu of gifts. It's not a big deal though there is still one or two people who don't like it. It's more common than not these days, I think.

Whileweareonthesubject · 01/05/2017 11:29

Actually BIL and SIL had a list at one of the stores mentioned on here. We chose something we could afford and looked forward to seeing it in use when we visited. Next time we visited them, gift was nowhere to be seen. During the conversation, it transpired that the store accepts the payments from guests, who think they are buying specific items, and then offer the total amount to the bride and groom as gift vouchers rather than the items purchased. BIL and SIL had used the vouchers to fund their honeymoon, booked via the companies travel agent concession in store. I would rather have known I was paying for their honeymoon - I'd still have done it. The deception was harder to take. And I don't shop in that store anymore.

Original poster
GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 11:31

Interesting responses! I think I like the suggestion of no gifts or no household gifts. I also like the idea of telling our parents we'd prefer cash should anyone ask them Grin

OP posts:
grannytomine · 01/05/2017 11:35

GreenFox, I don't like people including a request for money for a gift lift with invite. If people ask then I can't see why anyone would think that is grabby, if they didn't want to know what you wanted why would they ask?

As I read your OP it sounds like you are responding to questions so IMO that is totally fine and not at all grabby.

Personally I prefer giving cash, buying someone 3 plates from an expensive set never seems anything special to me.

IheartDodo · 01/05/2017 11:42

Whileweareonthesubject that's terrible! I'd be really annoyed!

grannytomine · 01/05/2017 11:44

The issue with money is asking for it with the invitation, that's the grabby part. I agree with this but it exactly the same if you include a gift list or link to a list with a store. Just wait to be asked.

Lj8893 · 01/05/2017 11:49

We didn't have a gift list. Most people just gave us cash but we didn't ask for it. A few people asked us what we wanted and we said nothing but when pressed said money or home vouchers would be lovely.

I certainly wouldn't have asked for money on the invites, I hate that.

Original poster
GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 11:53

Maybe asking for money isn't the issue here, it's the fact that we just don't want any gifts.

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 01/05/2017 11:57

If you don't have a gift list people are unlikely to buy you gifts, certainly not of the glass/mugs/cooking variety. You may get some photo frames etc but that's not the end of the world is it? You will want frames to put your wedding pics in anyway.

19lottie82 · 01/05/2017 12:15

I got married a couple of years ago and didn't request cash but 90% of people just gave it anyway. I wouldn't ask for it, it's makes you look crass and grabby, but that's just my opinion .

Liskee · 01/05/2017 12:19

I never think money is grabby. Or vouchers. If anything I think a specified wedding list of expensive crockery, bed linens, white goods and, I kid you not, a fucking XBox, is grabby. Ask for cash or vouchers IF anyone really needs to give you something. And then relax and enjoy your day!

ThePants999 · 01/05/2017 14:28

A friend of mine and his bride-to-be had their honeymoon all precisely planned out, and had a "wedding list" that comprised specific bits of it, except of course you gave the money, not actually booked the tickets etc. They had items for all budgets, ranging from cocktails on hotel arrival, to train tickets between their different cities, to some of the more expensive excursions. I thought it was great, and of course they could tell you all about the bit you paid for in their thank you note!

neonrainbow · 01/05/2017 14:35

Only on mumsnet do people care if you request money rather than gifts. In the real world people dont give a crap.

stevie69 · 01/05/2017 14:39

Completely echo the thoughts of positivity123

S x

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 14:40

We asked for vouchers for a large item of furniture and got those and money. We didn't want or need a lot for the house. I think it's fine. People understand that most couples are marrying later and are more pressed for cash than they are in need of a kettle/toaster set.

TwoBeams · 01/05/2017 14:43

We just never mentioned anything. No gift list, and if anyone asked we just said to get a wee minding, we didn't need anything.
Ended up getting a handful of actual gifts, loads of vouchers and the rest cash.

Lj8893 · 01/05/2017 15:15

neon by that logic you are saying that people on mumsnet arnt real?! Hmm

BarbaraofSeville · 01/05/2017 15:17

I don't understand why people see giving money as 'a fee to attend a wedding' but are quite happy to go to the bother of spending money on a gift. Makes no sense whatsover.

I think it is more rude to buy stuff for people when you know they don't want it than it is to buy nothing at all or state a preference for cash/vouchers when you really don't need anything. Not everyone wants piles of photo frames, wine glasses or towels.

We've been invited to the wedding of a couple who have lived together for a few years and their invitation says:

'We have been asked about a wedding list, so have chosen one that also allows contributions towards our honeymoon. Whilst these would be gratefully received, please don't feel obliged' plus a link to the list, which contains a variety of household stuff and range of amounts to give money. I don't see how anyone can find offence at that.

It's a childfree wedding when the couple are at an age when lots of invitees may have young children so the professionally offended can get upset about that instead.