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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding & Money

85 replies

GreenFox17 · 01/05/2017 09:05

Morning everyone!

We're getting married next year and I know it's a while off but someone mentioned this yesterday.

It's about wedding gifts. Of course, we do not expect anything from anyone and will make that clear, but if someone did want to give us something WIBU to ask for cash donation?

We don't want/need 'gifts' as we've been living together for 3.5 years and have everything we need and no space to store anything! (Small flat). We want to buy a house after the wedding so any money would be put towards that.

I know it seems grabby but we really would rather nothing than lots of different bits and bobs! 😫

OP posts:

Orangebird69 · 01/05/2017 10:06

Just do it. I'd much rather give cash than some token gift that you didn't want to clog up your home. Ignore the miserly tight wads on here.

Mrsfluff · 01/05/2017 10:07

I never understand why giving monet/vouchers is frowned upon so much on here. I don't see it as grabby. As the giver it is easy and I can do an amount to suit my budget. Giver and receiver both happy!

EllaHen · 01/05/2017 10:08

We didn't ask for anything. Most folk gave us money or vouchers.

I don't like it when people ask for cash. It means there's an expectation that in order to attend the wedding, they must contribute. A few of our guests gave nothing. I love that people felt they could do this and not get stressed out about being able to afford to attend.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 01/05/2017 10:10

I think asking for money towards a deposit is significantly less grabby than a gift list! I've always preferred to give money towards a life goal such as a house deposit than a set of wine glasses I would assume they already had a set of.

Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 10:12

Just don't put anything about money in with the wedding invitations. When OH and I got married (nearly 36 years ago), we did have a wedding list, because it was "the done thing" back then. My mum had the list and anyone who wanted to buy us something got in touch with her. Other people asked us directly what we wanted.

MrsSeptember · 01/05/2017 10:13

We didn't state what we wanted and a lot of people called my MIL to ask her what the preference was.
She just explained we lived together so didn't need anything.

People don't want to go empty handed so they will give money if you don't specify.

If I was to do it again I still wouldnt specify as we did get some really lovely thoughtful gifts as well as money. Things like frames to put our wedding photos in.
I didn't get a single household item or wine glass.

Fluffyears · 01/05/2017 10:14

I'd rather give money than a gift someone doesn't want or need but it is awkward to ask.

SayNoToCarrots · 01/05/2017 10:15

We didn't ask for anything. I didn't want people to feel like they had to pay to attend the wedding.

Lots of people gave money anyway, others gave vouchers, and people who really wanted to give gifts gave gifts.

There was a lot of champagne, but there were also some really thoughtfully chosen trinkets, like a glass globe bottle stopper (I've travelled a lot), that we would have missed out on if we'd had a gift list or specified money.

PlaymobilPirate · 01/05/2017 10:17

I haven't been to many weddings - last one had a gift list which was fine. Happy to give money though as it means not clarting on with buying.

Has anyone got a non grabby way of saying 'cash please?' though? We'll be wedding planning soon... I'd not mention till asked but I'd feel too shy I think!

bimbobaggins · 01/05/2017 10:17

Why don't you just not mention gifts/ money until people ask . I personally don't mind giving money as it saves shopping for gift but am always filled with angst at giving the appropriate amount.

Whileweareonthesubject · 01/05/2017 10:18

I'd rather give something that is actually useful to the couple than a random gift of my choosing. And as for the standard MN response of ' just give them a bottle of champagne ' -really? We don't particularly drink and not champagne so that would be a complete waste of money. Surely people would prefer to give cash than to waste money on pointless gifts? The last wedding I went to asked for cash and specifically asked guests to put the cash in a plain envelope rather than in the card. This meant that nobody knew who'd given what amount. It meant that people like my oap DM could give what they could afford without feeling embarrassed at the amount.

Goldfishjane · 01/05/2017 10:19

I'd say no gifts, otherwise it's clear you're just fishing for money. Unless you are and you're happy to say so?

Rebecca, now I'm wondering what a £40 colander does.....

blueskyinmarch · 01/05/2017 10:22

We got married a very long time ago and received about a million sets of towels. One of DH’s aunts very generously gave us £500 and we were utterly overwhelmed and grateful. It meant we could buy sofas for our lounge a we had no furniture. I now give cash gifts for weddings as i know how much to meant to us to get this money. One of my nieces married a few years ago but we couldn’t go to her wedding but we gave them £500 and they were delighted. Another niece is getting married next year. She will also get £500. I know she will be very pleased. I think money is always absolutely acceptable as a wedding gift, no matter how much or how little.

ExplodingCarrots · 01/05/2017 10:24

I'm getting married next year and we're going to write on our wedding website something along the lines of 'as we've been together 11 years and have everything we need the only thing we request is the pleasure of your company'. We've had invites in the past asking for money and I don't mind but personally I don't want to ask for money for myself.

thenorthernluce · 01/05/2017 10:26

The invitations for our wedding last June included a short paragraph to say we did not expect gifts, but as we were planning on buying our first house together, small cash gifts or John Lewis vouchers would be greatly appreciated. From 55 guests, we got about £2000 in vouchers and cash, which was overwhelmingly generous and so gratefully recreived. We completed on our house a week ago and those vouchers have been a godsend for buying curtains, laundry goods for the bathroom, gardening tools etc.

OP, people want to give you a gift to celebrate your wedding and want it to be something you will appreciate, so please do not feel you are being grabby and entitled for specifying what you'd like.

IHeartDodo · 01/05/2017 10:29

I've only been to two weddings of friends so far, one had a debenhams gift list and I can't even remember what I picked (felt very impersonal as they just got all new house stuff, even though they had it all, - I think they just upgraded everything). The others asked for money to do up their house, and we gave them £50. tbh this felt nicer because we knew it was something they actually needed and appreciated.

IHeartDodo · 01/05/2017 10:30

I think the ideal would be to say you don't want gifts, but prime your parents that if people ask, say you're saving for a house so a cash contribution would be very welcome.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 01/05/2017 10:30

Cash is absolutely fine, and personally I would much, much rather give a contribution towards a house deposit than anything else. Not least because that would save me the arse of having to choose a gift you might or might not like anyway. I would not expect you to say what it's for, but would approve of your decision if I found out.

However, you will get a lot of people saying it's grabby or whatever. Especially if you and/or your guests are predominantly from Anglo culture. That attitude doesn't really exist in lots of other cultures though.

Basically, there isn't one uniform etiquette on these matters in British society.

rookiemere · 01/05/2017 10:32

Don't put anything in the invite ( I really wish we hadn't).

Instruct your parents and DF's parents to let folks know that if asked they should say that you've got everything you need for your house, but you'd be delighted with cash or vouchers for John Lewis. I say vouchers as well as some people find it a bit tacky giving cash and with the JL vouchers, if you genuinely have everything you need, you can use them to buy food at Waitrose.

tabulahrasa · 01/05/2017 10:33

The issue with money is asking for it with the invitation, that's the grabby part.

INeedToEat · 01/05/2017 10:34

I've never been married but have attended a lot of weddings. I prefer it when nothing is stated in the invite. I will then ask a friend who is closest to the couple if the couple in question would prefer money.

My advice is to state nothing .. but to make sure your parents / best friends know that you would rather cash over gifts.

TinDogTavern · 01/05/2017 10:38

I'm single. I'm not poor but I'm "just getting by". Most of my friends earn more than I do, not massively so, but more. Once they're coupled up, their household income is more than twice mine, with some overheads being lower per head (TV license, council tax).

I would cheerfully buy a gift at these weddings but I hate being asked to contribute to a honeymoon. I'm not sure why it makes a difference to how I feel, and if it makes me a "miserly tightwad" (nice) then I guess that's what I am. Asking your mates to stump up for your flash holiday just feels wrong to me.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 01/05/2017 10:44

I don't think it's grabby per se, but I just think 'Have a registry office do and a knees up in a pub and put the ridiculous amount of money you would have spent on the wedding into the fund for the house'
Because as pp have said, unless you've got seriously wealthy guests you'll never put a dent in what you end up spending on the wedding and 'we don't want your presents just your presence' is disingenuous when you go on to ask for Honeymoon money.
But then I tend to think anything to do with weddings is batshit crazy, and I work in the industry!

JustSpeakSense · 01/05/2017 10:47

I would politely say on the invite that as you've been living together for a while and your home is set up you don't need house gifts.

I'd not mention money, I think it's rude (but that's what everyone will give you anyway)

ElisavetaFartsonira · 01/05/2017 10:47

I'm not sure if it's worth asking for money to be honest. At todays' average house prices of £200k you'd have to have incredibly wealthy and generous friends to make a dent in that. Assuming a deposit of £20k, do you think you'll get that in gifts? If not, why bother. Just have a guest list of beautiful things that will last forever and remind you of the giver.

Except that there are loads of properties in the country much cheaper than that, OP hasn't said where she lives or what they're looking to purchase, she never said they wouldn't be using funds from any other source and it's possible to obtain 95% LTV mortgages. They could quite easily be in the position where three or four grand might make all the difference.

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