To not have a flippin clue about how to 'garden'?

[TheNoveltySlippers]

And no that is not a euphemism for keeping lady bits tidy.

I have a garden / small patio garden for the first time in my life, I'm pushing 40 and I'd like to know how to make it beautiful, but everything I read may as well be written in a different language.

I can't understand instructions for pruning (what does 'prune hard' mean?).

How can an aspect be both sheltered and sunny?

What on earth is 'mulching'?

There must be a way of progressing from zero knowledge to a basic understanding of the main terms. Most things seem to assume you've already progressed beyond that first part.

I've tried watching some Alys Fowler YouTube vids but even she just uses lots of fancy Latin words and I give up.

Can anyone recommend a Complete and Utter Simpleton's Guide to Gardening? Like, imagine it's their very first Sunday in the garden ... where do I bloody begin?

Prune hard means cut right back, basically.
Sheltered and sunny means not too windy but in a sunny spot - usually south facing
Mulching means putting a layer of manure, bark etc over the soil to keep moisture in
Why not try watching Gardener's World? It's pretty good at explaining stuff. Friday nights, 8pm, BBC 2.
Good luck!

Ooh user you make it sound so easy (I now - of course - want to know how far back is "right back"?).

Thanks for TV tip - sounds like I need the series link.

I think there's a gardening subtopic here.
We started off with an allotment so there's several idiots guides to that, I'm sure there must be something similar for normal gardens.

I would imagine pruning hard would be cutting back quite severely. In berry bushes this would mean that the plant stops putting its energy into growing and feeding new shoots and redirects them into making yummy berries.

A sheltered, sunny aspect gets quite a lot of direct sun, but doesn't get a lot of wind. (As opposed to an exposed, shady aspect which would be exposed to a lot of wind and doesn't get much sun)

Although I'm still trying to work out the difference between 'hardy annuals' and 'self seeders' as I make my first foray to flowers in the allotment and in some pots in the backyard, so you can take this with a pinch of salt.

Thanks for posting this Novelty as I am in the same boat and feeling much the same.
Finally have an interest and a lovely garden but it's all alien to me and was wondering about all the things you have mentioned.

Take a photo and show us what you've got. Keep taking photos each month so you remember what is there next year. I think it is always a good idea to observe a new garden for a year before diving in, but you can always do patio pots and hanging baskets to add colour.

That's a good explanation of why you need to prune, thanks not. I would love an allotment but that seems super advanced at this stage.

My next question is how do you know if something is likely to be windy or not .

i don't know much about gardening, but I think you can get gardeners dictionaries to explain what the words mean.

Really to start with you need to think about which way your garden faces, how much sun it gets, how much wind, and how bad the frosts are in winter. Then you need to think about what's already there and is thriving and what you want : do you want pots, or beds? Do you want bedding plants (like pansies) or shrubs/bushes? Once you know the above you can decide if eg it's south facing and sheltered and you want plants in pots you can pick something that thrives in sunny sheltered conditions in a container- like a fig tree. And so on like that.

It is really difficult though - I think accepting you'll make mistakes is really key and if you can I would enlist a relative or neighbour or friend to have a cup of tea and some cake and talk you through things.

Gardening confuses me too. What does cut right back mean - cut right back to where? To the base of the stem or somewhere else? Does it depend on what you're cutting back?

I'd also like a guide on dealing with weeds. My garden gets overrun so quickly and I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm a beginner too. I found this RHS book helpful.
booksplea.se/index.php?route=product/product&product_id=1698474&google=GBP&gclid=CjwKEAjwlpbIBRCx4eT8l9W26igSJAAuQ_HGcYnRk-ZX0qxZsJ48Jy-qYquLUTkjshxrRYbe5GmwFhoCvAvw_wcB

Have fun!

How do you know which way your garden faces?

Every single thing you need to know is on the internet. Ask Google any question you like and the answer is there.
A lot easier than the books I had to wade through when I started gardening many years ago

Glad I'm not the only one Pam.

Elephant that's a good idea re photos. I will take one tomorrow.

Basically, what we have is a paved over garden with a narrow 'raised bed' (another term I'm not sure about) or border which runs along the perimeter. It's maybe about 1 and a half feet wide. Not a lot of 'garden' to play with, but the previous owners have managed to grow one rose bush, an apple tree, a pear tree, some acers and a couple of other evergreen type bushes in this border.

We've actually lived here almost two years now so I feel like it's time to start adding to it. Just feel like I need a simple guide to the absolute basics as it feels like there is so much knowledge I need to accumulate before I do anything, I just don't know where to start.

I am the same OP. We cut the grass and um. No that's it. No idea what to do at all!

Exactly over - cut right back to where?

Etymology I definitely need a kindly grandmother/father elderly aunt type person to come and patiently explain the first principles gardening to me. Or a Yoda type figure - to initiate me into its magical arts. A gardening Yoda.

Is that too much to ask?

maudgonemad
The son rides in the east, and sets in the west. Or you could be really technical and use a compass.

Wolfie I think the fear is that I will run up my overdraft in a gardening centre and rapidly kill all the purchases.

Get you hands on this book (library/ebay). It really is very helpful - I was a complete novice, and this has helped me get through 2 years of garden ownership. It's clearly written, has good illustrations and not full of Latin. Gardeners World on the BBC is also v good, as already mentioned.

Novelty it sounds as if you have a framework in place with the trees etc. You can do 'instant gardening' by buying some bedding annuals (they will grow and flower for one year) and then start to think more long term.

I know where the sun rises and sets, but how do you know which way the garden faces? Where is the garden's face?

Thank you Moany I am looking that up now.

The back wall of the house I think

You need to watch gardeners' world of a Friday evening (or record it! ) Monty talks about it all!

Ooh that looks very good too Fiddle thank you! I have seen those 'expert' guides and yes, having them all in one place is much better than trying to build up / read through a vast collection!

Elephant thank you, I love the way you're explaining these things. Is a 'cosmos' an annual? I've seen them and may've heard them described like that; they're very pretty.

I forgot - we did try to plant two small lavenders last year in the border. One survived, but the other sadly died.

suncalc.net/#/44.416,-118.9414,17/2017.04.30/23:02

This can show you what kind of sunlight you should get. You'll need to take other factors into consideration though - if your garden is surrounded by high walls you're likely to have less sunlight and it will be more sheltered.

What's around the perimeter? Walls? You could have some nice climbers that don't take up much space.

Set yourself a budget for plants and stick to it. It's the only way. looks askance at the amount spent in nurseries this year