To not have a flippin clue about how to 'garden'?

[TheNoveltySlippers]

And no that is not a euphemism for keeping lady bits tidy.

I have a garden / small patio garden for the first time in my life, I'm pushing 40 and I'd like to know how to make it beautiful, but everything I read may as well be written in a different language.

I can't understand instructions for pruning (what does 'prune hard' mean?).

How can an aspect be both sheltered and sunny?

What on earth is 'mulching'?

There must be a way of progressing from zero knowledge to a basic understanding of the main terms. Most things seem to assume you've already progressed beyond that first part.

I've tried watching some Alys Fowler YouTube vids but even she just uses lots of fancy Latin words and I give up.

Can anyone recommend a Complete and Utter Simpleton's Guide to Gardening? Like, imagine it's their very first Sunday in the garden ... where do I bloody begin?

The best things to grow in your garden are things you like! I'm more of an 'edibles' gardener (so fruit and veg) so I plant what I like to eat!

If you have friends/ neighbours who have plants that you like ask what they are or even if you can have a cutting which you can grow on yourself - thus avoiding the expensive garden centre trips.
There is not much you can do to really 'damage' a garden, they are pretty forgiving, so don't be afraid of it.

If I see Prune Hard I generally assume it to mean Drastic Haircut to a few inches above ground.

at drastic haircut.

I think I read about pruning hard re clematis (to cover a wall Not).

That sounds encouraging Little...I have definitely been fearing the opposite I think (ie they are easy to ruin). I'll try to be more bold!

I just thought of another silly question.

How long do you stand watering my one plant? I know it must vary e.g. bed vs container. But I stand there with a hose with absolutely NO idea how long I actually need to water things for!

Any one plant, that should've read.

Novelty I was going to suggest clematis as there's some on the fence across the road and it's gorgeous and makes me smile a lot, but I wasn't sure if it was easy to grow. I then fell down a bit of a black hole as I started looking at climbers and what climbers I could grow from pots in our rather shady back yard.

I also bought some wildflower seed and shook it into some planters with some sweat pea seedlings in the hopes of something flowery growing. I'm much more regimented with the vegetable growing, I propagate and everything, but with flowers I'm a 'chuck it in and see what happens' kind of gardener.

I do wonder if I could get some wisteria growing all over the outhouse though....

Cosmos is an annual and you will be able to buy them soon from garden centres. Anything called annual will die this autumn/winter - they live their whole lifespan in a year. For now you can Ignore 'tender annual' vs 'half hardy annual' - it's being annual that matters. Perennial means the plant will die back this winter and may disappear completely - but it will come back next year.

Which way a garden faces: so if I stand with my face to the rising sun I am facing east. The gardens "face" is the wall of your house. So if you stand at the door/window idly gazing out at the garden the direction and you are facing east, the garden is also facing east. You can also observe when it is sunny/shadowy in your garden. SO early morning sun, afternoon shade = east facing, morning sun, afternoon shade =west facing, lots of sun through much of the day (although you will see the shadows of fences, trees etc moving with the sun = south facing, shade from the house through much of the day = north facing

Gardening Basics For Dummies https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0470037490/ref=cmswwrsmsscapii_UEMbzbPV384QW

Sorry that should be morning shade, afternoon sun = west facing

Cross post with garden geek - I would argue it does matter if you have a tiny garden like mine :) I can definitely see the difference between my north facing front garden and south facing back but I agree, it is more important to know where and when is in sun and shadow

My advice is to go to car boot sales and buy plants. They are normally cheaper and you can ask the seller questions. We have a lot of plants for sale outside houses, again you can ask.

To find which way your garden faces stand with your back to the wall of the house looking into the garden. Get out your phone and find the compass app, whichever way you are facing is the way your garden faces.
South facing is best as you get maximum light. If you are north facing then some of your garden will be in the shade of the house most of the time. It does depend on trees and other houses though. My garden is south facing but it slopes down and has a woodland at the end of it, so it has loads of shade.

I found all the annual, biannual, perennial business complicated.

I agree with watching Gardener's World. Monty makes it all seem easy.

I definitely need a kindly grandmother/father elderly aunt type person to come and patiently explain the first principles gardening to me

Walk down your street until you see a beautiful garden. Make sure you walk past when that person is watering or gardening out the front. Then ask them. Good gardeners love to talk gardening.

Oh but Monty has such a huge garden and space it is difficult to translate it sometimes.

There is a good book called The Virgin Gardener by Laetitia Maklouf (not sure if spelt right). I used that with our first garden, and it's good in that it explains loads of terminology and also gives advice that you can apply to lots of plants, rather than specific advice for a certain type of plant, IYSWIM. Looks like you've already had some good recommendations on here OP.

I found the Alan Titchmarsh book "How to be a Gardener"" told me everything i needed when I started out

When I started our garden 7'years ago, it was trial and error, but the first thing I'd start with is giving your garden a good feed. Add bags of manure, fertilizer/ compost to your borders before planting anything. Prune back dead wood and roses, then spy in surrounding gardens to see what grows well. I love lupins and hydrangeas, but we don't have the right soil conditions here to grow them, nobody has them in their gardens. I like to pop herbs in between flowers, trailing rosemary and thyme grow well and have pretty flowers. Campanula works really well in my garden, and reseeded itself with very little effort.
Gardening can be (is)hard work and take a lot of time, but is so rewarding!

I'm so glad to have found this thread and the link to Gardening for Dummies I have a new small garden and really don't know what to do with it. I've turfed over a lot of the beds (prev tenants had veg patches) but there's so much growing now and that I don't know what they are. There's something coming up and I don't know if it's something amazing or a weed! And lots of stinging nettles

Have a nose at what your neighbours are growing... if what grows in their gardens is thriving, then it's likely to do well in yours as your probably have similar soil.

... assuming you like the plants they grow, of course!

I second the recommendation of the Titchmarsh book - it's cheap to pick up on Amazon second hand as well - although it was really disheartening to look through his "rogues gallery" of difficult weeds and realise I have the full set in my garden!

Are there any "open garden" events locally (where people either singly or as a group have a day where you can wander around their garden a small fee for charity)? If you do I'd recommend going as you can see (and photograph plants/labels) knowing that they grow in your soil. The home owners will happily tell you what the soil is like and pass on tips/details of local gardening groups. There's usually cake too

I am a rubbish gardener. No one in our family has ever done their garden and I think a lot of knowledge is passed on.

Years ago my boyfriend at the time helped me do my garden up.

We cleared the borders of everything apart from established shrubs and bushes and chucked a ton of mulch/fertiliser on it. A few weeks later we pulled the weeds that were coming through out and bought a few dozen bedding plants. We planted them in a mix about 5 inches apart. He said unless it really rained I had to water every day.

I was to cut the grass every 2 weeks and apply a weed and feed type thing over the summer.

I pulled anything coming up between the plants we had put in.

I pulled out all the dead plants come November and reapplied some mulch. And repeated the preperation and planting the following May.

If you want some plants in over winter they sell winter bedding plants that should go from November onwards. Then early spring plants come out around feb.

Aldi and lidl are fab for cheap bedding plants and bits and pieces.

If you want something up a fence or wall look for a climber and fix a trellis if necessary. There are usually care instructions on the labels of bigger plants.

If you have an overgrown bush or shrub try and identify it. There are websites to help. Then you can google how and when to give it a haircut. And if it needs a skinhead or a long bob.

I would start this year with bedding plants in your raised bed/border and see how you get in. Bedding plants are pretty cheap and easy and make a big difference over the summer.

Then when you get a bit more confident you can spend a bit more.

Wilkos, B and M, Aldi and Lidl are all cheap places to buy stuff.

The best advice I can give you is just get started! Bedding plants are easy and fun. A little herb bed is easy, just pick the herbs you use and stick them in. But I would only grow mint in a pot as it's a bit rampant and will spread.

I have rosemary, thyme, chives, parsely and mint in pots. Will do some basil when I get a minute.

And you can do bedding plants in pots too for your patio.

Good luck.