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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how 'grown up' you were aged 22?

339 replies

Soyamilkisniceintea · 30/04/2017 19:01

I started my first job at 22 and looking back, I was really, really immature Blush

What were you like at 22?

OP posts:
PetalMettle · 03/05/2017 17:25

I worked in a situation which was sort of like an extension of uni - Lots of young people living close to each other so not at all really. I was a bit of a hot mess

GloriaGilbert · 03/05/2017 18:32

Actually I do find small children quite boring. I loved mine beyond measure but god they were boring. Boring and wearing. And you have to worry about a lot of stuff - from nappies to PE kits to homework - which are really quite boring too.

I recall vividly the indescribable feeling when you've been up with toddlers for several hours and watched too much TV and they've pulled every pan out of the cupboard/toy out of the toybox and it's only 9am, but you could swear it's 2pm.

TeddyIsaHe · 03/05/2017 18:37

I was doing too many drugs and drinking far too much. I was the least adult 22 year old I could possibly be. Thankfully I grew out of it without causing lasting damage. It's come back to bite me though because I have a beautiful dd and already fretting about her growing up. My poor, poor mum. It's true when they say you never truly appreciate or understand your parents until you are one yourself.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 04/05/2017 00:01

Actually I do find small children quite boring

And no-one is telling you that you shouldn't. In the same way that I shouldn't tell someone that their choice to travel is boring, or their choice to go out drinking is boring.

I don't find being a mum boring. I find travelling boring.

Why are the life choices I'm making in my twenties any less valid than the life choices made by someone who goes travelling and partying? That's the thing I have an issue with.

MarcelineTheVampire · 04/05/2017 00:11

I was working in a bar getting drunk all the time.

Cocklodger · 04/05/2017 00:12

I was married, had been living independently for 6-7 years (moved out just shy of 16)

BertieBotts · 04/05/2017 00:21

I had a 2yo but I was probably not that mature. Actually I was massively struggling to hold everything together and not doing very well, so.

HildaOg · 04/05/2017 01:47

I had no sense whatsoever. I look back and wonder what planet I was living on. I had great manners and knew how to behave because it had been drilled into me but no real social skills because I could never read people and I could never understand them. I was always popular because I was very pretty and well dressed and my friends thought I was quirky but I remember I used to behave quite bizarrely at times. Looking back I can see if people got close enough they were very confused by me because superficially I could present as normal but up close I wasn't.

I've studied everything I could get my hands on about body language so I can read people now. I think. And I've read up a lot on people's points of views on every topic and their expectations so I think I understand now why people would often look at me like I have ten heads. At 22 I had no clue. I was always in trouble at work for offending people, in friendships because I had no empathy and in relationships because they couldn't connect with me emotionally. And I never knew what was wrong.

Rantymare · 04/05/2017 02:31

I wasn't! I wasn't great mentally or physically and I was partying hard and studying for a degree. But pretty daft really.

notangelinajolie · 04/05/2017 02:49

At 22 I was much more grown up than my 22 year old is today. I had been working full time since 16 and had a mortgage on my own home in a rough town but I reckoned owning trumped area. She is still half at home and half at boyfriends mums house. Neither pay rent. They think they need to travel before settling down and she is currently working in a bar to pay for the very flash Audi pcp she has just committed herself to paying for for the next 3 years. Yes, I was very grown up at 22.

Whenwillthesunshine · 04/05/2017 07:46

Married with 2 children,3rd on the way. Dad died when I was 20,mum when I was 23 so did a lot of growing up in a short period of time.
I'm now 40 but inside still feel 22.

motherinferior · 04/05/2017 08:16

But why are people equating 'I had children' or 'I was working' with maturity? Respectability=maturity?

I could also have said: At 22 I had a decent degree from Oxford and was embarking on an MA. None of that equates to maturity either. But I don't think I was less/more mature than contemporaries who were embarking on very well-paid jobs and buying flats in the dizzy world of mid-80s London. They might have been more respectable, mind.

flirtygirl · 04/05/2017 09:14

I had ot more together than now, at 22 i had graduated, had a two year old dd and my first professional job. I was saving a deposit( i bought at 24).

Now im a mess, ive never had it together as much as i did in my early 20s.

contrary13 · 04/05/2017 09:14

At 22, I had 2 year old (DD), was in my first year of my undergraduate degree - for which I had to travel a 4-hour-round-trip journey on a bus (well, three actually, considering we had to change them to get to where I went to uni), starting at 5.30 am, with my toddler in tow, before walking with and carrying her for half a mile, uphill, to her nursery, before backtracking, downhill, for a quarter of a mile to my part of the campus. Three days of the week. We often didn't get home again until late evening, too, depending on when my lectures and labs finished.

I had my own flat, rented from a friend's parents who had seen the way my parents were controlling me - and yes; I could have moved to a dorm in the uni with my daughter, but then when I'd finished the degree, we'd have had to move out again. Plus, my support network of friends were in our hometown.

I was also working as a ghost writer, just to bring enough money in to pay the rent/feed my daughter. I barely ate - just enough to keep going, really, because I couldn't afford otherwise. She was my priority. My student grant went on bus passes and nursery fees.

I was free from an abusive relationship, though. I didn't date. My son's father and I sort of just ended up together (we'd been friends from the age of 11), a few years later, but at that point, he would treat us to tickets for Disney films so that my daughter could be spoiled a little. I didn't drive, so we walked everywhere.

How grown up was I, though? At the time I thought "very"... now? I look back and see a terrified kid barely hanging on by her fingernails. I was exhausted (I used to get up at 3am so that I could prepare my notes for lectures and labs), malnourished, and missed my former work colleagues desperately (I'd worked in the field I studied for 3 years prior to starting the degree - which my employer at the time, a wonderful man who saw potential in me, pushed me into doing). I had no time for a social life, really, although my friends all claimed they didn't mind coming round to mine for coffee and cake (I made a lot of cake... it helped keep me sane, I think, that and the determination to cook my daughter's food from scratch every night). But I had a child. I was on my own. I had no choice but to behave like a grown up... whether I wanted to, or not.

My daughter's almost 21 now and, to a point, I envy her the freedom that she actually has. She's at uni in the town we live in, she lives at home, she can announce in the afternoon that she's meeting friends that night... and be able to go. Is she grown up? Not at all. Does she think she is? Oh, my goodness, yes.

I think we all do/did.

Chavelita · 04/05/2017 09:36

But why are people equating 'I had children' or 'I was working' with maturity? Respectability=maturity?

Yes, I'm finding this thread fascinating, because it suggests so much about the way this culture defines 'maturity' within very narrow parameters. 'Immaturity' is drinking, partying and travelling, and living in bedsits and houseshares, while 'maturity' definitions focus a huge amount on home ownership, as well as children and work. The home ownership thing is very interesting to me, because (foreigner) I don't think I'd realise quite what a central place it seems to have in people's identity -- there was a recent thread by a mother whose daughter wanted to train to be an opera singer, and who seemed not to have conceived of a life where not being a home owner in your early 20s was not a badge of failure, and that her daughter's career would mean living in houseshares and out of suitcases for a very long time.

And I'm also really surprised that so many people on the thread had children by 22.

RyanStartedTheFire · 04/05/2017 09:47

But why are people equating 'I had children' or 'I was working' with maturity? Respectability=maturity?

Surely having children young is the opposite of respectability, as proven on this thread by the judgemental tones surrounding young mothers. I think it suggests maturity for a young person to make a decision to be a good mother instead of continuing to be young and reckless. I've taken shit jobs I didn't want to do because I had to support my kid. Would I do that if I didn't have kids? No way. I have responsibilities, and I think being responsible is a large part of the maturity journey. I said previously I don't think someone 'achieves' maturity, I think it's a journey, but responsibilities like home ownership, having children and putting them first all require a level head and thinking ahead.

Why wouldn't you consider responsibility a sign of maturity?

ghostyslovesheets · 04/05/2017 09:47

at 22 I had just come back from a year working abroad

I was living in a flat and studying for my degree - and working 3 jobs

I was pretty hard working but liked to party on the weekends Grin

PinguForPresident · 04/05/2017 10:02

My mother had recently died and I stayed at home long enough to see my little brother through his A Levels and off to Uni (I was not long out of Uni myself. I'd moved back home to be my mum's carer). I ran the family home and worked 3 part-time jobs (my Dad was not really on the planet for the first year after mum died. He behaved appallingly in many ways, so I had to step up and look after my brother).

After my brother went to Uni I moved out, got a full-time job, started a career.

In many ways I was very mature and had a lot of responsibility. But I was also still very young and had been through a huge trauma which stays with me to this day.

I was a lot more mature than the young girls in my current uni cohort, that's for sure!

histinyhandsarefrozen · 04/05/2017 10:13

Why wouldn't you consider responsibility a sign of maturity?

Well, how one deals with responsibilities might be a sign of maturity but
simply having responsibilities does not indicate maturity one way or another.

motherinferior · 04/05/2017 10:20

You could just as well argue it's more mature to decide you're not ready for that level of responsibility.

And owning a home really doesn't make you more mature. I should know.

RyanStartedTheFire · 04/05/2017 10:40

I haven't said not having kids makes you immature Confused what is with all the attacks and criticism of young mums, I only commented on my own journey. Someone from school told me I had a beautiful family/home the other day and that it really seemed like I had my shit together. She is a neuroscientist. I'm sure she has her shit together in ways I definitely don't/can't begin to imagine. It's not a checklist, as I said earlier.

Well, how one deals with responsibilities might be a sign of maturity but
simply having responsibilities does not indicate maturity one way or another
.
That was kind of my point. I stepped up to the plate, the other young mothers I know struggled to or didn't manage to. A lot of them regretted having their children because they didn't want to grow up.

RyanStartedTheFire · 04/05/2017 10:43

And owning a home really doesn't make you more mature. I should know.
It's a massive commitment that can't be walked away from and has huge consequences if you can't manage/deal with it. I was 20 when we bought this house, it definitely made us more responsible with money. I, personally, think it's an individual journey and that was a step for me.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/05/2017 11:04

That was last year!
I was working full time in my third proper job (worked FT since I was 17), quite enjoying it but knowing there's way more (still the case)
I'd had a loose diagnosis of a disability, was terrified but coping well (still the case, altho I now have a firm diagnosis)
I was living at home with my mum as I had escaped an abusive relationship 6 months previously
I'd been with my DP for a month and was ridiculously happy. Still am.

I'd say I was (and am) a grown up but maybe I'm not. We'll see in 10 years Grin

motherinferior · 04/05/2017 13:38

I owned my own flat, earned my own living, did stuff on national radio and telly and never had an overdraft in the days when I was also getting blitzed and shagging randoms. (Though I suppose my rigorous adherence to safe sex was pretty mature.)

Although I didn't have a husband and kids which seem to signal the MN Badge of Maturity these days.

motherinferior · 04/05/2017 13:39

And what about all the people who'll never get to own a house?

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