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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ask my fellow mumsnetters to stop saying 'I would have left'. **trigger warning - domestic violence. Warning added by MNHQ**

389 replies

myoriginal3 · 29/04/2017 21:43

or 'Id have left after the first slap'.

Domestic violence is insipid. You don't fucking know what you would do until it happens to you.

Every time I read it and I consider myself quite strong, I feel like I'm a weaker female.

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

OP posts:
HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 07:56

Pan

You have no idea of the psychological complexities of abuse.

Abuse victims often get Stockholm syndrome.

Not to mention the fact that often a woman and her children are in the most danger at the point of leaving. I saw so many women who were desperate to leave but felt if they did their partner would kill them and their children.

Soyamilkisniceintea · 30/04/2017 07:56

No, you were goading Trifle, by stating repeatedly she only wanted an argument and it was you after one!

I think the point here is that yes, women's aid / experts won't say this but the point is Mumsnet AREN'T experts. It's wise to remember that people will make posts that are potentially upsetting.

ohdeaeyme · 30/04/2017 08:04

pan i was that child too. i swore blind that i wouldnt make the same mistake but reality was that i didnt recognise the red flags until it was too late becausd to me the warning signs were what i saw as a normal relationship. i did make the mistake despite being the child before.

I will do anything to protect my children but he would threaten our children if i left, convinced me i was a rubbish mum who would never cope with them so they would be removed from me etc. i also had convinced myself that at least together i never had to leave them alone wth him which may be the case one day in the future.

im so unsure of my judgement and ability to recognise a bad relationship i doubt i will let myself get in another relationship whilst they are underage as that is the only way i know i can protect them now

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 08:05

Soyamilkisniceintea:

No, I wasn't. Like everyone else I was stating my opinion and asking the OP about hers. My opinion may not be to your liking but that doesn't make it goady and nor does it give you the right to jump all over me. I won't accept your accusation. So DFO, please.

MsGameandWatch · 30/04/2017 08:11

You're goody on every single thread you're on trifle so it's no great leap to assess that you're doing it here too.

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 08:13

MsGameandWatch

I won't answer you again on this thread as you already know.

DixieNormas · 30/04/2017 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soyamilkisniceintea · 30/04/2017 08:16

It wasn't an opinion it was hectoring.

MsGameandWatch · 30/04/2017 08:17

I'm counting on it trifle Grin

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 08:17

Soyamilkisniceintea

It was definitely disapproving. But then I disapprove of the very pugnacious, quite judgemental stance the OP has taken. It's not goady though.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 08:18

myoriginal3 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:27:06
Where have I been dismissive of others' experiences?

Here:

myoriginal3 Sun 30-Apr-17 00:34:15
If I got a slap after a 20 year relationship I'd have him at the GP to check for dementia or a brain tumour. People are the way they are. It doesn't take 20 years for them to 'let it out'.

myoriginal3 Sat 29-Apr-17 22:45:33
I agree with smellbellina to a point here - it is very very damaging in some for people with no knowledge or experience of domestic violence to comment on another woman's experience. It has in the past made me feel suicidal when I read the Anyfucker style response.

Bookmark
Add message | Report | Message poster myoriginal3 Sat 29-Apr-17 22:22:01
I'm loving hearing all of you ladies and men who did leave after the first slap.
I wasn't one of you.
It doesn't make me weaker than you I hope. I was just more dependent I think.

myoriginal3 Sat 29-Apr-17 22:05:25
It's akin to saying 'you're very silly, you should leave like I would, in my imaginary fairy tale'.
I'm sick of it.

And from your OP here:

You WOULDN'T fucking leave at the first slap. Statistics state that you wouldn't. So stop talking about something that you can't imagine.

Just because someone left after the first physical incident, and claims they would do so again, doesn't mean they've suffered any less than you have, been through less than you have, loved their partner less, were less dependent than you were, or that it was easier.

MsGameandWatch · 30/04/2017 08:20

But then I disapprove of the very pugnacious, quite judgemental stance the OP has taken.

Says you! GrinGrinGrin

Soyamilkisniceintea · 30/04/2017 08:21

The point is Trifle that I don't really necessarily 'approve' of the OPs stance but if you don't like a thread just stop posting on it. Repeatedly demanding someone - especially someone clearly vulnerable - explains to you WHY they posted (when they don't know themselves) is hectoring and unpleasant.

OP has posted because she is being treated like crap, she is in pain, she is angry, it's raw and hurting. Some of that is coming out here. I don't like it so stopped posting. But it's still not helpful or continuing a debate to be 'why why why'. Anyway.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 08:23

Well, the OP has posted about behaviour which she herself is displaying. It's fair enough that some of us (and she's no the only one hurting) are pointing that out to her, and asking why it's OK for her to behave in a manner that so dismissive when she's asking others to do not do so.

Soyamilkisniceintea · 30/04/2017 08:24

Oh, come on: there is a huge difference between an abusive husband and being ranty on an Internet forum!

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 08:27

Soya She's not complaining about abusive husbands though - she's complaining about people who have, and who say they would leave after the first slap

(There are actually very few comments from the OP that are aimed towards the abusers - it's mostly all aimed towards other women).

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 08:28

Soyamilkisniceintea:

I am bemused by the idea that anyone who disagrees (even strongly) with the OP should stop posting. The title of the thread is a question. I engaged with that question. I posted twice, once in response to the 8 pages and once in response to the next comment. You have jumped the gun massively and assumed my intention is to be bullying or hectoring. It isn't. I have every sympathy with the OP as a person who has gone through a great deal. However, the OP is insulting people into the bargain and I think it is okay to challenge that.

But the bottom line is that this is a public forum and I will post if I want. If you don't like my posts report them.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 08:29

The OP is saying "don't say things that are dismissive"

whilst being dismissive about any woman who did leave after the first incident.

It's not about comparing the OPs behaviour to an abusive male - NO ONE in this thread has done that. I think you missed the point of my post.

Soyamilkisniceintea · 30/04/2017 08:30

That's not what I'm saying Trifle.

There is a HUGE difference between 'OP, you are wrong and this is why I think you're wrong' and 'OP, why did you post? You are wrong and you want a fight. OP see look all you want is a fight.'

It reminds me of those people who get right up in others faces and annoy them until they explode and then say 'see, he's angry, knew he was angry.'

It's goading and it's more than that: it's really, really unpleasant.

BigGreenOlives · 30/04/2017 08:31

I left after he put his hands on my shoulders and shook me. Next day packed up my stuff & left. Made sure I had everything of mine & didn't leave a single thing. No children though & employed so much easier to walk out.

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 08:32

Soyamilkisniceintea:

You keep telling me my motives if you wish to, Soya. You're wrong, but if it floats your boat don't let me piss on your chips, to really go the whole hog with mixing my metaphors.

BigGreenOlives · 30/04/2017 08:32

I left after he put his hands on my shoulders and shook me. Next day packed up my stuff & left. Made sure I had everything of mine & didn't leave a single thing. No children though & employed so much easier to walk out.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 08:32

Soya I've asked why the OP has been so dismissive of other women's experiences when it is in view her "dismissive" attitudes of others that have caused her to post?

At some point the OP needs to realise she has been just as damaging as those people she claims left in "in my imaginary fairy tale" (to quote one of her posts) Sadly for many that was real life and their experience is shaped by that fact.

user1493453415 · 30/04/2017 08:33

Biggreenolives Well done, I hope that once you left there were no reprisals etc.

Foldedtshirt · 30/04/2017 08:39

Shark Cage
I must track down the poster who originally linked to it; I deliver the work with women who often have experienced DV and deliver the Freedom Programme. Why some women recognise it and why some get out at the first hit is problematic and the shark theory is a practical tool for recognising and changing women's outlook.