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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to hate chokers on young girls

105 replies

Bringmesunshite · 29/04/2017 17:24

I admit I'm an old pearl clutcher. I restrain these instincts and let my dd (10) wear make up now and then, I let her wear her hair in a Chelsea bun with a feckin' JoJo bow. I let her wear crop tops and gladiators.
But AIBU to draw the line at a choker. I think they look like dog collars - the kind animals or submissives wear. She has argued for a lattice type one which is slightly less horrible in my opinion but I am still very reluctant.
I am all for her finding her way and/or fitting in with her peers but I bloody hate chokers.

OP posts:
Trills · 29/04/2017 22:56

Aww, is that Clarissa (known for Explaining It All) or are we into the Sabrina years?

PrivatePike · 29/04/2017 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peaceloveandbiscuits · 29/04/2017 23:08

Cross your fingers she doesn't have a goth phase in the next few years. I used to wear an actual dog collar, bought from a pet shop ShockGrin

victoriousblunder · 29/04/2017 23:41

Obvs' Clarissa Trill Grin

springflowers11 · 30/04/2017 00:14

Chokers aren't about BDSM - they were popular with prim Victorians

e1y1 · 30/04/2017 01:23

YADNBU!!

Chokers don't look good on ANYBODY - I'll up the "pearl clutcher" stakes - they just look like dog collars. Awful things.

CheeseQueen · 30/04/2017 01:40

It's a bloody necklace for goodness sake!!I grew up in the 90s and wore them all the time. Melissa Joan Hart was my role model (see pic) If you see anything sexual in the pic you need your head examined!
Clarissa Explains All! I remember that Smile Sam (?) climbing through the window.
Although remember her as Sabrina The Teenage Witch more. Smile

CheeseQueen · 30/04/2017 01:46

BenadrylCucumberpatch Sat 29-Apr-17 18:14:50
YANBU Op. I got asked if I have "A black belt in sucking dick" while wearing one last month hm Apparently that's how they are seen now? It's become so widespread it has its own meme, I've been informed by DD1.*
Oh, FFS. How is that relevant? I'm presuming you're an adult as you're posting on here. A TEN year old though?! Not so much, surely (please)

KoalaDownUnder · 30/04/2017 02:18

Chokers aren't about BDSM - they were popular with prim Victorians

That's what I thought! Confused WTF is sexual about chokers?! Have read the whole thread and still don't get it.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/04/2017 02:23

There are different types of choker; leather, velvet, beaded, and torcs. Some of them are only used in a sexual context. I wouldnt feel comfortable letting a child wear a leather one.

kali110 · 30/04/2017 02:25

Chokers are sexual - if you don't think so you need to wake up.
Chokers have sexual overtones if you can't see then good for you. When you wear one it 'feels' different and people, men, react to you differently.

It feels like i'm wearing a necklace Confused
I don't feel anymore sexy with a choker and i've worn some proper goth chokers Hmm
You may feel they have sexual undertones, but certainly that's not the same for everyone else.
I have never once thought of 'sub' until this thread.
Now i can't get that pic out of my brain Envy

Chokers aren't about BDSM - they were popular with prim Victorians
My favourite ones are my victorian style ones Grin

kali110 · 30/04/2017 02:25

Wth is wrong with my copy and paste in here Confused

Guepe · 30/04/2017 03:21

I think it really depends on the choker. I was inclined to agree with the OP based on the dog-collar style chokers that I remember goth kids wearing when I was younger, which I think we're intentionally worn with the sexual undertones in mind, but the one MJH is wearing on the previous page looks fine to me.

Original poster
Bringmesunshite · 30/04/2017 07:11

Just so we are clear, I don't mean those little thread-y necklace ones that seem so beloved of everyone's' 90s teenage years - I was an adult in the 90s and worked outside of the UK so teenage fashion of US TV rather passed me by.
I mean the 25mm and up width ones (often black, but other colours) that look like dog collars.
Wayfarer has posted a great example of the difference below.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringmesunshite · 30/04/2017 07:22

My MIL kindly made a bunch with velvet and thin chain and other ribbon for dd and her classmates. And they all look like dog collars. I have "lost" them with profound apologies to her. she was clearly only being kind.
My dh ( who was also an adult in the 90s was a bit Confused when her saw them).
She also made some pseudo JoJo bows which, although I hate JoJo bows, have not been "lost". I was grateful for them too.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/04/2017 07:30

11 yo hasn't shown any interest in these, but if she does, she can have one. I don't think anyone is going to leap to any sexual connotation when she's wearing it with her leggings/tracksuit/jeans/shorts & t shirts/jumpers

But then she's not wearing a crop top & make up, so....

I actually went out the house with her the other day with her wearing adidas tracksuit bottoms (black) that fit like loose leggings, that are now above her ankles and flare out a bit (new ones in her drawers, but she loves these) trainers (purple), a old blue t shirt & a turquoise JoJo bow (a gift from a friend - it needs its own fucking post code...)

I was SO tempted to make her change her tracksuit bottoms, put on a newer t shirt & ditch the JoJo monstrosity HOWEVER she was happy & comfortable, and that's not going to last much longer so why make her self conscious. The local shopping centre sees far worse!

Clandestino · 30/04/2017 07:31

I see less problem with a choker than a crop top on a 10y old. Won't even go into bras for 7y old girls which are my pet hate. With the oversexualisation of prepubescent girls, chokers are the least of my worries. Gladiators look ridiculous on women of any age, simply horrendous and look cheep and skanky, especially those really overdone for effect.

Original poster
Bringmesunshite · 30/04/2017 07:56

The crop tops I let my dd wear are for sport - street dance. The makeup is a bit of lipstick and mascara to a party or indoor get together with other girls. Her classmates tend toward a look and style that I would inwardly describe with the c-word that an earlier poster used - there seem to be low aspirations for a lot of children in our area. I hope I'm wrong.
I don't want her to stand out from them - be on the radar. She's by far the most academically in her class, a bit reserved socially and a likely target for bullying.
I take the view that a bit of tat clothes wise/ make up experiments can't hurt if it keeps her off the radar but I just feel uncomfortable about dog collar chokers.
The gladiators I have no excuse for but she likes them.
I long for her to grow into her own style but that is her choice.

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 30/04/2017 09:57

Honestly, standing out does not make you a target for bullies.

In fact i used to get bullied when i did everything i could to fit in. The bullies sensed the insecurity, and would bully me about not fitting in, which obviously got into a cycle of me making a change, and the bullies picking up on it- oh look, she's had her eyebrows done, who does she think she is...

I got in with a new bunch of friends, thought sod it, and wore and did what i wanted, what i felt confident with. The bullies had no target and stopped.

kali110 · 30/04/2017 10:16

I used to wear dog collars (though was around 13/14 so bit older than your daughter) and until that pic i still didn't think there was any sexual tones to them.
I had very strick parents and even they were ok with it.
They certainly would not have allowed me go out in crop tops, and lipstick was a no until i was 13 too!
I

noitsnotme · 30/04/2017 10:16

Glad I read this thread! I had no idea chokers could be considered so sexual, to the point of having memes made about them. I was going to buy this one for 34yo me! Will I really look like I "have a black belt in sucking dick"? I thought this was quite a bit nicer than most I've seen: Confused

...to hate chokers on young girls
victoriousblunder · 30/04/2017 10:23

noitsnotme
That looks lovely, where's it from?!

SleepyAmetist · 30/04/2017 10:31

For me, chokers do have a sexual connotation - BDSM, Dom/Sub culture, chokers, collars and leads, etc. Many in that subculture wear collars as a sign of ownership etc. I like that connotation which is why I wear them.

BUT in reality they are a 90s trend and don't have any sexual connotations when used just for fashion. I don't assume every woman/older teen I see wearing one is into BDSM, because I know that they weren't originally used for that. They are just tight necklaces and a nice aesthetic tbh. Anyone sexualising them in a 10 year old needs help. If I saw say an 18+ year old wearing one, then I might wonder... haha. Honestly the fashion chokers kids and teens (and some adults although less common) wear look nothing like a proper BDSM collar, they just look funky and retro. You can get Gothic style ones too.

10 is a bit young for makeup, but it depends what type of makeup she wears? I was allowed makeup at 11 but only brown mascara and clear lip gloss.

Crop tops aren't so bad, depends just how high the crop is I suppose.

noitsnotme · 30/04/2017 10:34

Victorious phew! It's from Not On The High Street, £12. There's a gold one too.

SleepyAmetist · 30/04/2017 10:35

I've had men ask me if I like being choked during sex because I wear one. HahaBlush

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