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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do i really need his permission?

117 replies

ohdeaeyme · 28/04/2017 15:36

split up with abusive ex back in january. want to take my children on holiday in june do i really need his permission?

we werent married, he is on the birth certificate.

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 29/04/2017 11:55

Do they check the letter do the ring the other parent with PR?

VladmirsPoutine · 29/04/2017 12:07

Sorry you're in this situation OP. It really is Hobson's choice isn't it. On the one hand I can see why permission would be required for everyone that has PR but on the other how are women in your position - leaving an abuse relationship supposed to carry on with a normal life if things like this always hang over your head.
A lawyer is your best bet I think.

Ferrisday · 29/04/2017 12:15

In 10 years of travelling alone with ds, probably 50 flights, I have never been asked for any sort of letter for Ds, and we have different surnames.
I do travel with birth certificate and marriage certificate to prove he is mine, I've been asked for it twice.

HorridHenryrule · 29/04/2017 12:30

Do you still have your marriage certificate?

As many documents as possible proving he is yours is all they want to see that's what they are worried about. They need to make sure your dc is not being trafficked.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/04/2017 12:31

They need to make sure your dc is not being trafficked.

No they are also looking at abduction hence needing permission.

HighwayDragon1 · 29/04/2017 12:46

On the way back they will be checking for trafficking, the way out abduction.

I have my DD my surname as exp and I were separated, so assume that I'd never be asked?

Whathaveilost · 29/04/2017 15:37

So every adult that is travelling alone with children should be stoped and questioned? As I've said before, I've had dozens of trips over the years awith young children as DH hasn't always been able to come, I've never been asked once. I never knew it was a thing until I read it here.

seesensepeople · 29/04/2017 16:08

If the child is old enough to understand and answer the simple question about your relationship you should be fine. I travel regularly with my children and passport control in most countries usually point at me and ask them "who is this?". Birth certificates would be no good for me as I am a widow and there is no way I plan to carry passports, birth certificates and death certificate.
Even travelling alone with my baby twins there passports were sufficient but I realise this has tightened up recently...

seesensepeople · 29/04/2017 16:09

*their passports...

emmyhNL · 29/04/2017 16:20

I regularly travel across borders and have been stopped three times in the past 6 months and I needed the form/letter to have permission from my DH (and we live together).

My brother has done it before for my niece and nephew and it's standard to need this form.

I'd get a solicitor's letter or take birth certificates to be safe

user1471598890 · 29/04/2017 16:57

I separated from my daughters dad when she was 2. She has his surname. We have been abroad numerous times without his consent as it never occurred to me but I have seen an article recently that says u should have it just in case though. Do you have a solicitor already who u can ask if it is necessary? In the circumstances I wouldn't have thought it was necessary. Take their birth certificates just in case though. And have a lovely holiday xx

user1471598890 · 29/04/2017 17:04

My partner and I both have DDS from previous relationships. We went away on our first family holiday a couple of weeks ago and went through customs separately. Me and DD together her and her dd together and they asked her dd a few questions just chatting away (she's 7) and while chatting she confirmed she was with mummy and told him a few details of her holiday which confirmed to him she was with my mum and was happy. They have the same surname btw. My dd and I don't and there were no questions for us lol so I think it depends on the person.

DontOpenDeadInside · 29/04/2017 17:46

I'm going abroad with my DDs without DP. They have his name. Is just a letter saying "I give permission for x to take our children on holiday" enough?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/04/2017 17:53

If they have PR it is necessary.

It is the law whether people like it or not.

HorridHenryrule · 29/04/2017 18:08

I think her only route if she can't get permission from her ex is to see a solicitor to get it sorted.

NoDramasPlease · 29/04/2017 18:15

I've traveled lots with DS alone and never been asked any questions. His dad doesn't have PR though and he has my name, I should probably carry his BC in future to be safe I suppose. How does it work when you take other people's kids on holiday? I'll probably be taking ds's cousin with us next year and another cousin often goes on holiday with family friends. Surely a bog standard letter wouldn't cut it if you were questioned? anyone could have wrote it.

AnnaNimmity · 29/04/2017 18:21

I got stopped at the airport last summer (coming back) the border people did speak direct to the dcs about their dad

I didn't have his permission though

Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 18:23

im going to get the order just for my own peace of mind because he is a bastard and would think nothing less than to stop me or use it against me

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 29/04/2017 18:23

my dc are 2 and 6 months so i perhaps look more like i may be abducting them as im travelling alone with them to meet family there for a holiday

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 29/04/2017 18:49

I think her only route if she can't get permission from her ex is to see a solicitor to get it sorted.

SouthernComforts · 29/04/2017 19:01

I've taken dd abroad 4 times alone and never been asked anything by the airport. DD is 7 and we have different surnames.

MrsTwix · 29/04/2017 20:00

We've never been asked with DSD, but we were asked for a letter when we took her friend, (we had it with us luckily as I was aware that it might be needed as she wasn't with either parent).

However when DSD was on holiday with her mum she was separated from her mum and asked lots of questions. I assume because different last names? We've never taken a letter but perhaps we should. We have always had implied permission from her mum, and she has always had it from us so it's not like it's an issue.

isupposeitsverynice · 29/04/2017 20:05

I was asked coming back to the uk five years or so ago if ds was mine as we had different surnames - she said really I ought to have something from ex to confirm permission. I did think at the time they might have been better off challenging me as I left rather than coming back Hmm Ex has just taken ds away with his new partner and I gave them a letter of permission just in case, not sure if they had to use it or not.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 29/04/2017 20:18

I am divorcing my ex & we now live abroad - court order is in place that dc live with me in new home country.

I've been asked a few times when leaving UK to return home re permission & have produced court order. Heathrow very twitchy about this atm. To be fair probably not helped by the fact that we're travelling to a country without reciprocal arrangements re abduction, & without imminent return flights (eg. visited UK over Xmas, then flew home, not in UK again until July).

My dc share my surname & skin tone.

It's potentially going to be a problem ; you definitely need proper advice. Sorry OP, it's a PITA - but I can see their point wrt possible abduction.

ArtemisiaGentilleschi · 29/04/2017 21:09

All the anecdotes which get trotted out each time this argument comes up are ridiculous. It's like saying "I have travelled loads over the customs limit but never had my bag searched".
Just because you haven't been asked doesn't mean the OP won't be.
And it is not just separated parents or children with different surnames, it's any child travelling with one parent. I am married and my children have my surname. We often travel without dh. I carry the letter. Been asked just twice for it.