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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I forcing DH to betray his brother?

37 replies

Dottie39 · 28/04/2017 11:30

So BIL (DHs brother) is splitting with his wife, his decision, very messy and painful for both of them, thirty years of marriage for them, we have all been close throughout this time. I have always been friendly with BILs wife, and we have been messaging more since the seperating. She is facing the bank holiday alone so I invited her over for the day. Mentioned it to DH who said it is wrong to socialise her and if he spends day with BILs now ex he is betraying his brother. Was I unreasonable to assume we could remain friendly with her?

OP posts:
Hassled · 28/04/2017 11:32

Your DH is being nuts. She's been part of the extended family for 30 years and you're not the ones splitting up from her. And she's your friend. You really don't need to take sides here - it would be a lovely gesture to invite her round.

befuddledgardener · 28/04/2017 11:33

Silly DH. She's your friend. He needs to take a more mature approach and less judgemental

QuiteLikely5 · 28/04/2017 11:35

Tell him you don't want to take sides

Laiste · 28/04/2017 11:36

Hmm. Firstly i guess it kind of depends on why the split. If one party has been awful to the other then it would be a bit awkward to carry on socialising with them under the same roof as the others sibling.

If they've just 'fallen out of love' (see other thread Grin) then YANBU i think.

Maybe it's early days? Perhaps offer to see her on neutral ground for now?

Laiste · 28/04/2017 11:38

I'd just like to add - i've been the SIL who no one wanted to talk to because of a split. I miss one of my SILs awfully, but i understand she's being loyal to the Xs family. It can be awkward.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 28/04/2017 11:41

Tell him he is welcome to buggar off out when she comes then. .

scaryteacher · 28/04/2017 11:45

No you are not. We have a very similar situation going on, and we have jointly taken the decision that we will be there to provide what help and support we can both sides.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 28/04/2017 11:46

DHs brother cheated, one night thing. His wife was willing to try and forgive but he said he had cheated because he had been unhappy for some time and wanted out.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 28/04/2017 11:47

Then your DH should be a bit more judgmental if his brother and a lot less heartless to his SiL

Hassled · 28/04/2017 11:47

When I split from my first H, I was incredibly grateful to his family for continuing contact with me - birthday gifts, phone calls to see how I was etc. - and I was welcomed at Ex-FIL's funeral 20 years later. So please don't ditch your SIL - she'll really appreciate you sticking around for her.

FlyingSquid · 28/04/2017 11:50

I had my SIL to stay for a week after she found out about my brother's infidelity. He's my brother, I love him, but he'd been a shit (and I told her that).

Your SIL probably needs your support.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 28/04/2017 11:53

So BiL is the one that cheated, but your DH thinks it's okay to punish SiL for his DB's mistake? Hmm

Original poster
Dottie39 · 28/04/2017 11:58

DH says the his brother had been unhappy for ages and tried to repair things, wanted to go to counselling, travelling, tried to persuade sil to do joint hobbies etc. The cheating was something that happened because getting some attention went to his head after years of being neglected. Sil acknowledges she did not give BIL attention and that what he says is largely true... There are always two sides but none of this is our business as far as I am concerned and I don't think we have any right to judge either of them.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 28/04/2017 12:03

you don't have to drop friends because your dh is related to their x..
Why should she lose friends because he cheated?
And don't get into judging whether it's ok to drop her based on past "attention giving" and their private relationship dynamics.
Clearly she hasn't been abusing him or acting so awfully that you don't want to be her friend, so you can carry on being friends.

LemonSqueezy0 · 28/04/2017 12:07

I think, on balance, you could still see and support SIL but I'm sure she'd prefer to meet on neutral grounds anyway. It takes away any issues with your DH then, as well.

katronfon · 28/04/2017 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishdiem · 28/04/2017 12:08

I can sort of see your husbands point as SIL was happy with the family life with the extended family and in-laws, just not with a life with her husband.

Your husband cannot decide who you spend time with but he does not need to spend time with her. He can go out.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 28/04/2017 12:10

Tbh I think you should have arranged to see her somewhere else, rather than invite her to yours. Your husband can spend the day feeling awkward in his own home or go out? How would you feel if your husband put you in that situation?

befuddledgardener · 28/04/2017 12:12

You are good friends. Of course your relationship will continue.

DH can choose to cut her off if he chooses but it seems quite an immature side taking thing to do.

The fact is you love them both and you can still support them both if you choose.

SoulAccount · 28/04/2017 12:14

I think it's great that you are remaining friends with SIL.

But that is your choice, and it would have been better to have arranged to meet her away from home and / or consulted your DH first. He can make his own decisions, It's his time, his home, too.....

Wedrine4me · 28/04/2017 12:17

I would call him up myself in advance and tell him that "Just to let you know that as she is alone I've invited her over. Obviously I'm not taking sides but want to keep in touch with her. I hope you understand"

I think I would be a bit hurt if I were him, if I hadn't been told and I found out afterwards.

nelipotter · 28/04/2017 12:25

Thirty years. You do not cut off a family member after thirty years when their relationship is going down hill.
One of the tricky things as an adult is maintaining relationships in ambiguous scenarios. But we suck it up and figure it out.
We do not just cut people out unless it is absolutely necessary. Should she lose half her family cause her ex is a dick? Should HE lose half his family (his inlaws) because he was a dick? What about the kids? They need everyone to act like adults. In fact, just be adults. It's not as hard as you think.

nelipotter · 28/04/2017 12:25

You are NBU OP

Peanutbutterrules · 28/04/2017 12:29

Tell your DH to play nice...

worridmum · 28/04/2017 12:31

Bet messages would be different if it was the Op sister and her husband wanted to keep contact with his BIL