Am I forcing DH to betray his brother?

[Dottie39]

So BIL (DHs brother) is splitting with his wife, his decision, very messy and painful for both of them, thirty years of marriage for them, we have all been close throughout this time. I have always been friendly with BILs wife, and we have been messaging more since the seperating. She is facing the bank holiday alone so I invited her over for the day. Mentioned it to DH who said it is wrong to socialise her and if he spends day with BILs now ex he is betraying his brother. Was I unreasonable to assume we could remain friendly with her?

YANBU!

But I do see where your brother is coming from.

From his perspective that is the woman that refused to... Well, go to therapy, travel, share a hobby despite his DB asking her to do so. So she basically refused to safe their marraige (I'm not saying that makes the cheating ok, btw!=). Whilst I think I'd still see her as family... I would be upset on my brother's behalf.

I think you should have told him in advance. However, I also think that he should have said "yes".

But whilst things are still really fresh meeting on more neutral grounds may be better....

I think you should have asked DH in advance...

And I also think meeting on more neutral grounds (you three could go to a restaurant/pub?) may be better. For all of you.

But YANBu for continuing to see her as a close friend/family.

Hmmm, BIL didn't "get enough attention", was she doing all the housework / childcare? Did he make it easy for her to have the time? Did he shower her with attention? It just sounds like something a petulant child would say. It also isn't a good reason for cheating. Having said that, really it is no-one's business. However BIL has instigated the split so SIL is probably feeling crummy and will need friends of 30 years standing - no reason you can't stay friends, I'd just let DH know with plenty of warning when you'll be seeing her, and obviously it's up to him whether he sees her or not.

SIL was a family member for thirty years, it's very childish of DH to object to you remaining friends and you certainly don't need his permission to meet with her. Dropping her cold is what would be a betrayal IMO.

Go out with her or DH can go elsewhere

If she comes to your house for the day, it will look like you are taking her side to the wider family/your BIL.

It's unlikely if she's unhappy about the split that she won't talk about your BIL and the split, do you ahve DCs at home that might hear negative things about their uncle?

I would say meet her elsewhere - not in your family home. It's unfair on your DH if he doesn't feel comfortable that you are hosting her for the whole day.

Sadly, it does sound like this is a marriage that has been failing for a long time. 'Blame' is a lot more complex in marriages like this rather than a straight forwards 'bobbing along until one party had an affair'. Your DH might well be wise to want to stay well away until things are less raw.

Sadly my IL's did this with me after I split with XP - he was abusive and they knew all about it too - but "loyalty"

I had put a lot into building up individual relationships with many of them.

It's super childish and immature IMO.

Still he's living at home again now so I got the last laugh eventually (none of them want to live with him cause they know hes a moody unpleasant bastard) :)

I would call him up myself in advance and tell him that "Just to let you know that as she is alone I've invited her over. Obviously I'm not taking sides but want to keep in touch with her. I hope you understand" I think I would be a bit hurt if I were him, if I hadn't been told and I found out afterwards
BIL I mean. Tell him in advance.
DH can then go along with you or you can see her on your own. He can make his own decision but you should be able to decide what you do.

yabu you say you dont want to pick ides but youve only invited one of them over if you didnt want to pick sides you would invite both of them over

YANBU to stay in touch with your exSIL, but YABU to assume your DH would feel the same. I think you are putting him in a slightly awkward position.

It seems odd to just invite her without running it past him-especially as you seem to be the one who is friendly with her.

I don't really see it as a betrayal though as it's not as if BIL is the devastated one who was cheated on.

The split does seem more by mutual agreement.

yabu you say you dont want to pick ides but youve only invited one of them over if you didnt want to pick sides you would invite both of them over

Sorry but this is ridiculous. I can't imagine either bil or sil would want this!!! I'm sure there will be plenty of times when bil is invited over, given that he is dh's brother.

Op Yanbu to want to stay frowns with sil, but I agree with the suggestions to let bil know to reduce the chance of upset and also that if your dh isn't comfortable you should meet up with sil outside your home.