DP being "encouraging"

[2boytrouble]

I started a new job in November. Where I've been less active so have put on a little bit of weight, not much as still wearing size 10 clothes. Though I do have a bigger stomach and love handles and thighs!

On Monday I tried to start a low carb diet. But as I mind two young boys, one 2 and one 5, I found that it was asking too much, so yesterday (Thursday) I decided I couldn't do it, my mind was messed up, I had no energy and felt really miserable which was not ideal for work.

In total carbs yesterday I ended up eatin 2 slices of bread and 3 fish fingers! That's all!

I came home to DP going on about how I can't be fat for holiday, that I need to be skinny to wear a bikini to which I ended up getting quite upset, and then him telling he forgives me for my reaction 😡
He tried to tell me he was being encouraging not going on and nagging about my weight.

Onto this morning. We've been thinking about having fish and chips for a while, as haven't had them in ages (6 years?) I said that yesterday while out with the children I'd actually stumbled across a fish and chips shop so said that later I'd go on the motorbike and get us all some (DP, DS and myself)

His answer was all "yes" until he comes through and goes "I hope this isn't an excuse for you to get fat like your sisters"

I'd replied "you're actually starting again"

To him "I'm not starting, how's that starting, what? Am I never allowed to mention your weight"

I left the room and haven't spoken to him since!

He's left and now there's a bit of argument brewing towards us but surely what he's saying isn't actually that bleady nice or "encouraging" I'm finding he's putting me down a lot and actually making me feel really worthless because I'm not "perfect"

Sounds horrible OP. Eat what you want - sounds like you are busy minding kids and at a size 10 you are hardly over weight. Tell him to fuck off anf if he wants to 'encourage' you then tell him you catch more fliesneith honey, what a cheeky bastard I am livid on your behalf!!!

Flies with

I never knew a man who made horrid comments about his partner's appearance but was otherwise a lovely guy.

I agree PoorYorick

Oh, and when I needed to lose weight my husband said nothing about it. When I said I was going to do something about it he said,"Ok, if that's what will make you happy. When it's my turn to make dinner, what sorts of things should I do?"

And never stopped telling me how gorgeous I was. He prefers me slimmer but he was never unkind when I wasn't.

You're right, there, PoorYorick

I can't be fat for holiday, that I need to be skinny to wear a bikini

You're a size 10. Not fat.

He sounds like an arse. Why not give him a taste of his own medicine? 'I'm a size ten. When are you going to lose that huge pot belly?' and see how he likes it.

He not concerned for you at all. He's putting you down. Nasty.

This isn't about your weight.

You do not have a weight problem, you have a serious DH problem.

He FORGAVE you for your reaction.

You are FED UP of him constantly putting you down.

You suspect he's GASLIGHTING you (he is!).

This is serious, it's not just some foot in mouth comment about your weight.

How long has he been like this?

I never knew a man who made horrid comments about his partner's appearance but was otherwise a lovely guy.

^^This with bells on!!!

His attitude stinks - is he belittling in other aspects too?

If you are a size 10 then you are certainly not fat. Women are supposed to have a few curves, even if they are slim.

Toning exercises would be better than starving yourself going on a diet IMO, if you feel unhappy with your figure* - you were dizzy on low carbs because you needed the energy!

& that's if you* feel unhappy with it, & bugger what he thinks

Am I never allowed to mention your weight

Correct. It is never helpful for a person to mention their partner's weight.

I know of no woman who is unaware of their own body size in relation to other women - drawing attention to it really isn't necessary. And it's unkind.

It is fat-shaming. Which is never OK.

And anyway, you're not fat.

I'm fed up of it! I'm not fat, when I was slimmer he was calling me fat!

AND he's got a belly himself? So not some olympic athelete.

Hmm. At the risk of being highly unhelpful i have to say i wouldn't be able to live with someone who called me fat whether or not it was true.

I think it's time to read the riot act and tell him to wind his neck in and look at his less than perfect self instead of being a wanker to his wife.

Learn this phrase - "Fuck off, cunt."
Practise this gesture - Raise your arm. Extend arm, hand, forefinger towards the door. Look steadily and calmly at the offender until he leaves.

OP, seriously, what he's doing to you isn't ok. Something is going on. He has a reason, somewhere in his head, for wanting to put you down. It might be the opening lines of The Script. Or he might just be a controlling bastard. Check it out.

Since when th fuck is it ok for him to have an opinion on your weight and how you look when going on holiday?! It's your body and you're a sane,rational adult who can make her own decisions re eating habits! When he asked was he not allowed to talk about your weight ever I'd have replied 'no you're not ever,well done now you're understanding how manners work!' Next time he brings it up tell him that he will not succeed in destroying or wearing down your self esteem if that's what he's aiming for he's wasting his time,also make sure to point out that he's far from perfect himself.

I was reading thinking is he concerned for your health, or purely how you look and does your appearance reflect on him. It is interesting he's hardly a slim Jim. Then you say:

he's putting me down a lot and actually making me feel really worthless because I'm not "perfect"
If this critical tone is something you hear more of lately you need to talk to him and try and see where this comes from. That kind of sniping rather than all-out confrontation is a sneaky point-scoring way of needling you. What's that about?

(The fish and chips issue reminds me of a woman I knew years' ago. Her DH was very critical of her hankering after fish and chips as a rare treat and trotted out the 'You'll get tubby' line. Meanwhile every year he bought bigger trousers and said he was genetically disposed to being large. She found out when his subsidised work canteen closed that he'd had chips with something five days a week and enjoyed fish and chips every Friday. One rule for one!).

You're wearing size 10 clothes and you think you're fat?!?!? Misses the point

Me an' all Doublemint.

Do as Milli suggests and point out his (doubtless many) physical imperfections to him.

Oh, and when I needed to lose weight my husband said nothing about it. When I said I was going to do something about it he said,"Ok, if that's what will make you happy. When it's my turn to make dinner, what sorts of things should I do?" And never stopped telling me how gorgeous I was. He prefers me slimmer but he was never unkind when I wasn't.

That's my DH too, Yorick. The only time he comments on my weight is when I ask him if he thinks I look as though I've put on/lost any weight. (And even then he phrases his response very carefully )

He sounds an insensitive prat. Do you usually do all the cooking and food shops? If so rise above and get busy changing a few things for the whole family. More fruit and veg, more lean protein and less snack stuff and home made fish and chips whenever you fancy. If it doesn't suit him tell him to take his fat belly somewhere else.

He's not nice at all. He's a bully.

He's ok, average with a big belly!
I don't want him to get fat!
Sounds like he already is, or is well on the way! Perhaps mention that every time he mentions your weight.

The last time someone mentioned my weight to me (I was an extremely slim and athletic size 10) by saying "don't eat too much chocolate, I'm not shagging a fatty" I replied, "why not, I am!" (he'd put on about 2 stones since we'd been dating!). So he didn't want an overweight GF (fair enough, I don't find fat sexually attractive either) but was getting fat himself! Cheeky bastard.

He is emotionally abusive. Loving partners don't play mind games, or seek to hurt you.

Look up the Freedom Program by Women's Aid, you can do it online for £10 or so x

I'm surprised nobody's pointed this out already (they would have if this were Relationships) but you can lose approximately 12 stone of unwanted body tissue virtually overnight by the simple expediency of dumping Old Miseryguts.

Actually, not sure if it's by WA, but link here. Not just for physical abuse, emotional too;

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Firstly for some pps there is no virtue in being thin.
There is some virtue in leading a healthy lifestyle part of which is having fun and treats.
A partner who speaks to you in that way ; suggesting that you are flawed in some way and that you should be 'improving' yourself to please/obey him and be deserving of him is obnoxious and doesn't love you or respect you.
Don't let your children grow up witnessing this.
Think about whether he can learn to look at you and love you completely.