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Original poster

DP being "encouraging"

150 replies

2boytrouble · 28/04/2017 07:28

I started a new job in November. Where I've been less active so have put on a little bit of weight, not much as still wearing size 10 clothes. Though I do have a bigger stomach and love handles and thighs!

On Monday I tried to start a low carb diet. But as I mind two young boys, one 2 and one 5, I found that it was asking too much, so yesterday (Thursday) I decided I couldn't do it, my mind was messed up, I had no energy and felt really miserable which was not ideal for work.

In total carbs yesterday I ended up eatin 2 slices of bread and 3 fish fingers! That's all!

I came home to DP going on about how I can't be fat for holiday, that I need to be skinny to wear a bikini to which I ended up getting quite upset, and then him telling he forgives me for my reaction 😡
He tried to tell me he was being encouraging not going on and nagging about my weight.

Onto this morning. We've been thinking about having fish and chips for a while, as haven't had them in ages (6 years?) I said that yesterday while out with the children I'd actually stumbled across a fish and chips shop so said that later I'd go on the motorbike and get us all some (DP, DS and myself)

His answer was all "yes" until he comes through and goes "I hope this isn't an excuse for you to get fat like your sisters"

I'd replied "you're actually starting again"

To him "I'm not starting, how's that starting, what? Am I never allowed to mention your weight"

I left the room and haven't spoken to him since!

He's left and now there's a bit of argument brewing towards us but surely what he's saying isn't actually that bleady nice or "encouraging" I'm finding he's putting me down a lot and actually making me feel really worthless because I'm not "perfect"

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 28/04/2017 08:14

Ugh I'd hate that I'd feel as if he was constantly watching my plate.
I'd be so awfully PA I wouldn't be able to help myself

'You're not going to get fat like you're sisters?'
I'd be glancing or touching his belly with
'I think you're worried should be closer to home'

Magicpaintbrush · 28/04/2017 08:15

Omfg! Who the fuck does your DH think he is thinking he has the right to tell you what to do about your weight or to even comment? Especially if he has a big belly himself! OP, I would love to be a size 10 like you, I really would, I bet you look fabulous. I'm sorry but your DH sounds like an immature nobhead. Tell him if he is so worried about weight he should lose his belly first before he even thinks of judging you!

Only1scoop · 28/04/2017 08:16

I wouldn't welcome his comments re my sisters either.

Only1scoop · 28/04/2017 08:17

Don't forget to drop in the
'Cheers Brad Pit'
Everytime he feels the need to be 'encouraging'

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 28/04/2017 08:22

Totally get why you'd be upset. But you haven't actually started the diet have you? Maybe you need to asses your approach..
Are you the OPs DH??!

CheesyWeez · 28/04/2017 08:31

So rude of him. My ExH once looked at me when I'd put on a bit (gone from size 8 to 10, I was 22) and said "Oh god am I destined to be married to a fat person"
I divorced him and that was one of the reasons.
It was 30 years ago and it still makes me angry Angry

You could put him on a diet. Or if you WANT to, diet together, maybe another diet (WW?) not low-carbing, if it makes you feel bad? It doesn't suit everyone.
You've had a heads-up that he can be nasty to you, either don't allow it, or get out. I'm cross on your behalf OP.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/04/2017 08:34

Buy him a penis expander ...

giantpurplepeopleeater · 28/04/2017 08:35

His attitude to you is DISGUSTING.

He is trying to put you down by suggesting you somehow fall short. This is a tactic used by emotional abusers to knock someone's confidence and make them dependent/ more easy to manipulate.

Whether he means this or not, this will have an impact on your confidence and self esteem, which in many people actually has the effect of piling on the pounds even further.

He is also very disparaging about your family.

All of this would be a deal breaker for me. I would be making it clear that if he made negative comments about me and my family in that way again, he wouldnt6have to worry because we wouldn't be in his life for much longer!

Am livid on your behalf.

greenworm · 28/04/2017 08:36

I think honesty is important in a relationship, but the comments he made in the contexts you describe really don't sit right with me.

He's either being quite misogynistic and mean or he's got a really misguided notion of what counts as support and encouragement. Probably a bit of both TBH.

UrsulaPandress · 28/04/2017 08:36

You haven't had fish and chips for 6 years?

Original poster
2boytrouble · 28/04/2017 08:37

I'm just so fed up of it! I'm sick of being put down and then forgiven because I'm upset! It feels like a constant mind game but then he makes out that he's being so nice!!!

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 28/04/2017 08:38

Him "I'm not starting, how's that starting, what? Am I never allowed to mention your weight"

You 'No. Now we both know where we stand. I've made it simple for you. We never have to have this conversation again'

Rinse and repeat overtime he mentions it.

The 'you can only be skinny to wear a bikini' on holiday is bollocks. I wear a bikini regardless of my size, even when pregnant. I doubt anyone would be surreptitiously taking pics of me and describing me as milf, but that's just a bonus.

SunsetGrigio · 28/04/2017 08:40

Urgh, my ex was just like this, i ended up getting really slim and it still wasn't good enough. Realised when i was out of that relationship how critical he was about everything. My new DP wouldn't even notice if i put on a few pounds. Your DH needs to realise what a dick how insensitive he's being,

I'd say everything Clutterbugsmum suggested.

Original poster
2boytrouble · 28/04/2017 08:44

We haven't had fish and chips on so long due to never being able to find a shop close bubble

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 28/04/2017 08:44

Flowers sounds like he's gas lighting you.

Trying to make you feel weak and insecure. Making you feel you 'fail' at things and then are grateful for his comfort when he 'forgives' you.

Gah ... tell him you're an adult and able to make your own choices and decide how you want to feel/eat/look.

And definitely ask him how he'd feel if you were constantly asking him what he's doing to get into holiday body mode and lose his belly.

scottishdiem · 28/04/2017 08:48

I dont get conversations between partners about weight and looks to be honest.

It either starts badly and gets worse or arguments arise from one side not saying/doing the right thing.

I have had partners that have constantly talked about diets, looking good for the beach, changing jobs etc but any comment about how these constant flows of narrative regarding food are in direct contrast to actions (no carbs, then eat bread a few days in) results in an almighty strop. If you have body image issues do not bring partners into it as any comment is not going to be received correctly and arguments happen. If you have a partner going on about diets and body image just nod and say bloody nothing when they inevitably go back on what they said a few days a go. It makes for a quieter life all round really.

DP and I manage our own diets and what we cook for ourselves and the other makes no comment or tries to help/hinder.

alltouchedout · 28/04/2017 08:48

He's a twat. His behaviour is horrible. There will be people telling you he's just concerned for your wellbeing and he's finding it hard to express that. Bollocks.

Original poster
2boytrouble · 28/04/2017 08:48

I feel like he is gas lighting me, but when I get upset over it he makes out I'm paranoid which I feel is so unfair!

I'm fed up of it! I'm not fat, when I was slimmer he was calling me fat! So I've had enough, yes I could lose a few for me, but he's not helping

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 28/04/2017 08:50

I'd be telling him that he can't go to a beach, or pool, without a shirt and trousers, because he doesn't look exactly like Micheal Angelo's David.

confusedat23 · 28/04/2017 08:51

Are you with my Ex OP?

Honestly... Maybe you need to look at your relationship as a whole because when I did that I noticed that from his side it was a very toxic abusive relationship.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 28/04/2017 08:52

OP how else does he put you down? This doesn't sound good at all.

Regarding the weight, tell him you've found a miraculous new diet that allows you to lose 12 stone (whatever) instantly - you're leaving him.

ferriswheel · 28/04/2017 08:53

Wow. That sounds exhausting. I don't know what you do about it but you are definitely not wrong. I'd be watching out for other areas of my relationship where I was put down as well.

EleanorRigbysNeice · 28/04/2017 08:53

You're a size 10? Is he having a laugh? Tell him to Fuck. Right. Off. And to sort his gut out first, before policing YOUR body.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 28/04/2017 08:55

He's already making you feel paranoid you say.

Read up on it more and emotional abuse

Been there for many years it just gets worse and worse. Mine used it to also control keeping his affair secret so I wouldn't question as would accuse me of being paranoid!

Am now happy and starting to realise how controlling he was to me. No one else could see it at the time which added to my paranoia. They all realised when affair came to light and they saw what he was capable of

Tell him to shut the fuck up

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 08:56

Am I never allowed to mention your weight

Why on earth would he need to mention your weight? It's not his weight. It's yours. It's your business if you want to lose it or not. Nothing to do with him whether you are "skinny" for holidays.

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