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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I don't look very nice?

78 replies

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 19:20

I hate having my photo taken, because I'm getting old and am much fatter than I was when I was young.

DH doesn't understand why I hate it so much, and says that I shouldn't have such low self-esteem. He says that it if I don't think I look nice, then no one else will.

That said, he never pays me compliments because he says I'll just disagree with him (which I would).

Thing is, I am being objective about this and I do look horrible. I feel OK day to day, but then see photos/videos of myself and just want to destroy them. I know I must look like that in reality, and it really upsets me.

I also have a friend who's not very physically attractive and she thinks she's great-looking. So I although I'm envious of her self-confidence, I also think she's deluding herself about her looks.

Question is, what can I do?

(Name changed as know a few people on here)

OP posts:

chestylarue52 · 25/04/2017 19:29

I really, really believe in this

chestylarue52 · 25/04/2017 19:31

What's your dh supposed to do? It's awful giving people compliments if they're just rejected. Literally everyone is older than they were, and most people fatter too. Get over it.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 25/04/2017 19:33

See at first I saw where you were coming from as I have low self esteem too (very critical of photographs of myself etc)

But then you went on to be quite scathing about your mate. She's deluded about her looks? Nice. Maybe she's just happy with herself.

carjacker1985 · 25/04/2017 19:35

Your poor friend. Rest assured, not everyone is as mean as you are, most people probably don't think twice about how you look.

Your DH is right though, if you don't think you're attractive how do you expect anyone else to believe it. There is no point trying to be objective about it, everyone has different perceptions of what is attractive. You can't control what anyone thinks about what you look like, the only person whose opinion you can control is your own.

Beadoren · 25/04/2017 19:39

I think you need to accept yourself the way you are, and if you are self conscious then maybe do something about it. Don't be horrible about your friend this is indicative of you having low self esteem yourself and being critical of other people shows your own self hatred.

Be nice about your friend, and yourself. Looks aren't everything

Itsnotmesothere · 25/04/2017 19:40

Wow. Did have sympathy until you said that about your friend! The Twits illustration and accompanying text is so true. You don't have to be gorgeous to be comfortable with yourself.

summersloegin · 25/04/2017 19:42

The Twits thing has truth in it insofar as when you know someone is lovely their physical appearance becomes less important. But I do understand you OP. I hate photographs of me and always have.

user1489261248 · 25/04/2017 19:44

Bit harsh towards your friend. Who SAYS she is ugly? Just you probably.

I think one of the prettiest, most attractive, cute looking women is Barbra Streisand. Yet she is classed (by some) as ugly/unattractive. Beauty is subjective.

I think I am pretty, although I don't like my body. I am 5 ft 5 and 13 stone and a size 16. I would love to be slimmer and leggier, but it's never gonna happen.

I like my face; nice eyes, good skin, good teeth, nice smile, cute nose, nice hair. Am I deluded too, because I like my face?

PacificDogwod · 25/04/2017 19:47

I take a terrible photo, but am convincingly told that I am not disgusting looking
So far children and horses have not run in fright from the sight of me which is good enough for me.

And I totally agree with the Twits thing - as somebody who suffers from Resting Bitch Face I do make the effort to have a smile on my face when I am engaging the public at work.

Actually ugly people are vanishingly rare IME and most commonly are afflicted by something that affects the symmetry of their face, so either significant injury or congenital malformation.

I would bet my last penny that you look better than you think

Crispbutty · 25/04/2017 19:48

It's not all about physical appearance. Personality shines through too. A happy and confident personality makes someone attractive.

You sound quite bitter Op, your comments about your friend are very nasty actually.

PacificDogwod · 25/04/2017 19:50

Question is, what can I do?

What DO you like about yourself?
Hair? Shape of nose? Colour of eyes?
Make the most of that feature rather than focussing on what you don't like.

And photos so do NOT look like anybody does in RL - my SiL is a professional model, looks great in photos and the obligatory eating disorder and MH issues contribute to her looking really quite ill and awful in RL: not ugly, mind you, but really not pretty, whereas photos with full slap on and good lighting make her look glamorous and and clothes hang beautifully on her.

I'd not wish to swap with her for all the tea in China and I know she'd rather be well than photograph beautifully .

PacificDogwod · 25/04/2017 19:52

Re your friend: do you think she actually is of the opinion she is stunning? Or does she does love herself, warts and all, enough to like her looks??

I truly think that liking what you've got rather than hankering after something that your genes have not given you is the recipe to happiness.

Admittedly, advancing middle age has hugely helped with that stance: I am so happy that my self-worth does not hinge on my looks as I'd be doomed if it did.

handslikecowstits · 25/04/2017 19:54

I don't look nice either. I was brought up to believe that appearance was of paramount importance and it's very hard for me to shake that off.

If you're confident and happy, you don't worry as much about your physical appearance IME.

hmmmum · 25/04/2017 19:57

What can you do about what? (I'm not sure what the question is).
Beauty isn't an objective thing, unless you're comparing yourself to models in magazines. All kinds of so-called plain people have other people fall for them and find them attractive. A person can become more physically attractive in your eyes as you get to know them if they're someone whose personality /sense of humour/or whatever you enjoy and appreciate.
It's up to you whether you compare yourself to air brushed images and find yourself wanting, or choose to accept your looks and be content with them. Does each of us really have to be devastatingly beautiful, or can't it be enough that we have people who love us just as we are (And if we have that, then we have a lot)

Luttrell · 25/04/2017 19:59

Wow. You're so deep into the self-loathing you're taking it out on your 'deluded' friend, who I can guarantee probably looks a damn sight better because she isn't twisted up with bitterness.

When I felt low about my appearance I lost a few pounds, sorted my hair and skin and made an effort with clothes. I fixed other parts of my life up so I had reasons to smile and things to say. Now I don't care about my flaws. Guess what. No one's looking at them.

You'll drive everyone away with your attitude long before you do it with your face.

morningconstitutional2017 · 25/04/2017 20:01

'Handsome is as handsome does' is what my old gran used to say. It's true. Surely you win in one department?
If I were you I'd invest in a really good haircut as it will frame your face and really enhance your looks.

Barbra Streisand looks good in those photos. Consider a male equivalent like Rod Stewart - he has a large nose but has always looked fab due to having great hair.
A pleasant and kind personality shines out.

I know that I'm shaped like a barrel and so I'm starting to eat healthy food in a sensible quantity so I hope I'll lose weight slowly and sensibly and therefore look better in photos but in my early sixties I know that my face will never get any better.

derxa · 25/04/2017 20:04

I'm fat OP and don't like having my photo taken. However I do believe I'm attractive even at 57. It's hard to explain. Try to love yourself and others.

BackforGood · 25/04/2017 20:04

I think Chesty summed it up nicely in the first two replies.

People look attractive when they are smiling / enjoying life, not because they are a certain weight or height or have straightened hair or curled hair or blue eyes or brown eyes or anything else.

However, once you started being so horrible about your supposed friend, I suspect you lost all the original sympathy you had at first

Crispbutty · 25/04/2017 20:04

I'm 47 and know that I don't look like I did when I was 27 anymore... I've put weight on, I've got grey roots at the moment, and I notice a few wrinkles.. I know I was considered to be very pretty in my younger years.. and sometimes it's a bit depressing to realise you are getting older..

But..

My dp loves me regardless... he laughs at my grey hair, he tells me I look lovely even when I have no make up on, am hanging tired and feel crap. And I know he means it. And he's 12 years younger than me.

But I feel more secure and content than I ever did when I was younger. In my 20s I had boyfriends who were only interested in my looks, not the person I actually was.

Goldfishjane · 25/04/2017 20:10

I'd hate to be the deluded one
I'm happier hiding from photos!
If people pay compliments I just say thank you
I see it as a sign they like me, otherwise they'd see the wonky features lol.

summersloegin · 25/04/2017 20:12

I had a friend at university who to be fair was striking looking. She was confident but it bordered on arrogance. (Strangely she now works in a role in the public eye and is much the same!)

rosel27 · 25/04/2017 20:12

m.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Giddyaunt18 · 25/04/2017 20:13

I truly believe attractiveness is 50% looks and the rest is sparkle/charisma/personality. You can look at a photo of someone and form an opinion but the expressions they make when they talk and their eyes bring that to life so that often I find myself attracted to the man with the big nose or whatever that perhaps I wouldn't be if I just saw a photo. You have to learn to see the whole picture OP. Start looking after yourself mentally and physically and hopefully you will see the value of you.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 25/04/2017 20:15

Agree with PP - if you do not like how you look, then change it! Nothing is set - particularly not your weight. Nose shape, face shape, height - yes those things might be more challenging! But you just say you are older and fatter - can't do much about ageing, but you can lose weight and make yourself look better in the process.
If you want to that is.

Giddyaunt18 · 25/04/2017 20:16

I recently saw a photo of myself from 10 years ago. I know at the time I thought I looked awful in it. I genuinely thought this time that I looked quite attractive . It's because I am 10 years older obviously but in another 10 years I will feel the same about how i look now. don't waste time, get on with life and enjoy you, now!

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