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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I don't look very nice?

78 replies

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 19:20

I hate having my photo taken, because I'm getting old and am much fatter than I was when I was young.

DH doesn't understand why I hate it so much, and says that I shouldn't have such low self-esteem. He says that it if I don't think I look nice, then no one else will.

That said, he never pays me compliments because he says I'll just disagree with him (which I would).

Thing is, I am being objective about this and I do look horrible. I feel OK day to day, but then see photos/videos of myself and just want to destroy them. I know I must look like that in reality, and it really upsets me.

I also have a friend who's not very physically attractive and she thinks she's great-looking. So I although I'm envious of her self-confidence, I also think she's deluding herself about her looks.

Question is, what can I do?

(Name changed as know a few people on here)

OP posts:

sunnyshowers · 25/04/2017 20:30

My dh can't believe how bad I look in photos. ...he just can't fathom it because in real life im gorgous.....I tell him it's because I keep moving in real life but truth is I'm better in real life because I'm a twit! (Ie nice open bubbly person)

pringlecat · 25/04/2017 20:32

You either find peace with how you look, or you do something about it.

The only things you have flagged are your age and your weight. Well, you can't change your age, but you can change your wardrobe to give you a lift (without going down the mutton dressed as lamb route). And you can change your weight by changing what you eat and exercising more.

Losing weight is hard work, but it's easier to do than loathing yourself. Self-hate takes up a lot of energy.

Of course, the other option is to look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself that you're attractive and repeat until you finally believe it. Sometimes faking it until you make it can actually help. If you pretend you think you look OK, you may eventually believe it.

No one should define themselves by a partner, but your DP obviously finds you attractive. You may not be as objective as you think!

Loyly · 25/04/2017 20:35

I also have a friend who's not very physically attractive and she thinks she's great-looking. So I although I'm envious of her self-confidence, I also think she's deluding herself about her looks.

That's a nasty thing to say about a friend.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 25/04/2017 20:40

Why is it a bad thing that your DH fancies you? Frankly if your DH didn't like the way you looked, it would basically be 'game over' for your relationship. It could be that you don't get how you really look as when you look in the mirror you only focus on the bits you like, but in a photo/video that's not an option.

Your friend probably isn't deluding herself about her looks, she probably just likes the way she looks. Different people like different things.

Your DH likes the way you look. This is a good thing.

OCSockOrphanage · 25/04/2017 20:41

Like the OP, I don't like the way I look in photos (until they are years old) so try to escape the lens. But I also think that my DS is not going to have pictures of me to look back on and remember unless I face up occasionally. Better to have the pictures if they will become memories.

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 20:41

Thanks for all the replies. Firstly, regarding my friend. She's a good friend and I love her dearly, but I was trying to make the point that she's not pretty. To the point where people comment on it (I know it's not nice but I am just talking about looks, not attractiveness per se). The difference in how she actually looks is very different to how she sees herself - a bit like an anorexic person seeing herself as fat, for example.

I would love to have her self confidence, but just haven't. I think, like a previous poster, that I was brought up to think that physical looks are very important, and so not being physically attractive is a big issue.

I really didn't mean to sound down on my friend, I just think she is very unrealistic in her view of her looks. I don't like her any less because of it, I was just trying to make a point. I expect there are lots of gorgeous women out there who think they're ugly, so it's much the same.
PacificDogwood This is what's difficult. I have very fine hair, which is thinning and greying (constant battle to dye it). My face is very red and spotty (menopause), I have a long nose, small eyes and not very nice teeth, a double chin and a round face. Having read that back, it's clear I need to lose some weight. That would at least solve the double chin issue!

I think being menopausal is probably having a lot to do with it too.

OP posts:

Anonymous1112 · 25/04/2017 20:44

Congenital malformation here, I don't think I'm ugly though!!!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 25/04/2017 20:45

Another question - do you still like the way your DH looks? Unless he's got a fugly painting in the attic, guessing he's aged 10 years too. If you can find the '10 years on' version of your DH attractive, why so shocked he likes the '10 years on' version of you?

Lose the weight it if bothers you that much, don't just be one of those annoying people who whinge but then does nothing about their weight.

EssentialHummus · 25/04/2017 20:49

I recently saw a photo of myself from 10 years ago. I know at the time I thought I looked awful in it. I genuinely thought this time that I looked quite attractive . It's because I am 10 years older obviously but in another 10 years I will feel the same about how i look now. don't waste time, get on with life and enjoy you, now!

I second this, and also think that photos don't give the full picture (wrong metaphor, but you get my drift). Get a low-maintenance haircut you're happy with, investigate repairing your teeth if that's getting your attention, start thinking about a sustainable eating plan - and that's all you can do, really. The rest is down to accepting how you look and keeping perspective about it.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 25/04/2017 20:50

namechanged you must hang out with some not nice people if they are bitching about your friend being quite ugly. I have lots of friends, and we really never comment on each others looks, unless one of them is stunningly attractive (we do have one stunning friend who stops traffic).Who would be talking about this friend? There isn't a chart of attractiveness, different people like different things, so who are you or your friends (colleagues?) to say she is not attractive?

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 20:50

Invisible Yes, I still like the way DH looks, but he's always been good-looking, and somehow men seem to age better. I've been struggling with an on-going illness for the past year or so, so losing weight hasn't really been a priority.

I guess I just need to try to pull myself together; I just feel so crap every time I see myself that I find it quite depressing.

OP posts:

thewallsstareatme · 25/04/2017 20:52

I just want to say that there are other reasons to take photos (other than "look pretty"). Photos remind us of special moments, and the people who love you will want to see and have pictures of you, looking good or not. So, please, don't avoid photos!

I have a friend who hates her appearance so much she deleted all the wedding and pregnancy photos. I'd be devastated if I were her DH or DD, for losing these memories! :(

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 20:53

Foureyes it's not friends that say that about her - it's people she works with and some of her customers (works in sales). I've overheard things and some have made comments to me. I'd never say anything to her, but I just wonder how she manages to love how she looks despite all this. I feel that I'm too realistic to do that about myself, and therefore can have no confidence in how I look.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 25/04/2017 20:53

What is congenital malformation?

selly24 · 25/04/2017 20:54

OP I think you need to go for some counselling/ therapy
Thinking do negatively must be impacting lots of areas of your life.

shellhider · 25/04/2017 20:56

OP were you born in September 1987? Not a very subtle name change if you were!

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 20:56

thewalls You're right, but I was trying to update my Facebook photo (I have one of me aged about 5 on it at the moment, and thought I should put a proper one on). I suppose it's that thing of trying to make myself look as nice as possible, and it just didn't.

I took one that I thought was half-decent and showed it to DH and he offered to take one of me with a proper camera, properly lit. I know it was kind of him, but it made me think that he looked at the photo and thought "bloody hell!"

OP posts:

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 20:57

shell I wish! it was just the numbers on the keyboard backwards. I was born in the 1960s.

OP posts:

HappyFlappy · 25/04/2017 20:58

I will never forget the day that Anne Diamond patronisingly reassured Whoopi Goldberg during a TV interview. "Whoopi - I just want to tell you - you are NOT ugly".

(WHAT??????)

Whoopi - not conventionally beautiful, I agree, but a very attractive and vivacious woman indeed - more so than AD IMO - just looked at her, shocked for a second, and then recovered graciously.

I couldn't believe what I'd heard. You could feel the shock round the studio.

PacificDogwod · 25/04/2017 20:58

Anonymous1112, I hesitated as I typed (but clearly still went ahead ) and I truly do not want to cause offence. At all.
Conventional perception of beauty relies on symmetry as a proxy for 'health' and to allow for choosing a partner most likely to procreate successfully with - I love the example cited above as Barbra Streisand often being quoted as an example as 'not beautiful' when she is clearly stunning.
I have a facial scar, acquired in my teens (I am now 51). Like I said, I do not consider myself ugly, and I cannot think of anybody I know in RL I'd call 'ugly'.

namechanged, if you think a little weight loss would make you feel better about yourself, go for it! Nothing but health benefits too.
See your GP about your menopausal symptoms and spots - could you have acne rosacea? There's treatment out there for it.
Be very kind to yourself. Write down things you are good at, things that people compliment you about, things you know that others appreciate you for.
Smile. Fake it til you make it - this certainly does not work for depression (could you be depressed??) but it does make other people smile back at you which in turn makes you feel better.

Learn to love yourself - fine hair an'all.
Think of a little thing that might make you feel better and do that. Hopefully other good things will follow from that.

In all seriousness, see your GP

Men?? Have you see their guts?? And their ear hair?? Come on, some men age better than others, just like women, but somehow we and society still place more importance on looking young and make that out to mean 'looking good'.

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 21:02

pacific thanks for all your advice and kind words. But that's just it - I need to learn to love myself and I have no idea how.

I don't think there's anything I get complimented on, apart from the occasional meal. I work in a job where I help people and I know they appreciate that but it doesn't make me feel that I can love the way I look. That's the bit I just can't get to grips with.

OP posts:

feathermucker · 25/04/2017 21:03

I had every sympathy with and for you....right up to the point where you made a nasty, unnecessary comment about your friend and her 'delusion' over her looks!

C0untDucku1a · 25/04/2017 21:04

Also, contouring, lighting and filters! Loads of my Fb friends photos have filters!

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 21:06

feather I've tried to explain further down the thread what I meant about my friend.

OP posts:

carjacker1985 · 25/04/2017 21:06

You need to get a grip, OP. Looks aren't objective, so stop using that as excuse to be mean about your supposed 'friend'. It doesn't matter how many other people supposedly agree with you, it doesn't justify being so cruel. Strange that someone who is so critical of how other people see them will be so openly mean about a friend.

Anyway, her aside- looks aren't everything. I suggest you start focusing on the bits about yourself that you like, not just looks related things either. If you honestly can't think of any, pretend. Fake it till you make it. It all comes from inside, I promise you.

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