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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I don't look very nice?

78 replies

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 19:20

I hate having my photo taken, because I'm getting old and am much fatter than I was when I was young.

DH doesn't understand why I hate it so much, and says that I shouldn't have such low self-esteem. He says that it if I don't think I look nice, then no one else will.

That said, he never pays me compliments because he says I'll just disagree with him (which I would).

Thing is, I am being objective about this and I do look horrible. I feel OK day to day, but then see photos/videos of myself and just want to destroy them. I know I must look like that in reality, and it really upsets me.

I also have a friend who's not very physically attractive and she thinks she's great-looking. So I although I'm envious of her self-confidence, I also think she's deluding herself about her looks.

Question is, what can I do?

(Name changed as know a few people on here)

OP posts:

wizzywig · 25/04/2017 21:07

op i think quite similarly to you except i see positives in most other people (unless they do something to irritate me). id say i was a looker in my 20s and had a very carefree spirit about me that was lovely but now im a chunkier version of myself and feel quite downtrodden. and it has gotten me down. im sad to say that ive never taken an important photo out of its box as i cant bear looking at fat me.

Original poster

namechanged0987 · 25/04/2017 21:08

Thanks for all the advice and tellings-off too. I'm changing my name back now to post on other threads, so probably won't be back here tonight.

Will take all the advice on board.

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 25/04/2017 21:08

Loving yourself does not mean liking every thing about yourself, but having enough self-worth to value yourself, as a person, a woman, a , a neighbour, a pet owner, a fine hair possessor and every other role you might have in your life.

Why don't you have a look at addressing your self-esteem? Boost your confidence?
Have you ever had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to address unhelpful thinking?

Reading your posts you minimise your achievements/good qualities and seem to exaggerate your perceived negatives. You can 'train' yourself to turn that around

HappyFlappy · 25/04/2017 21:12

Admittedly, advancing middle age has hugely helped with that stance: I am so happy that my self-worth does not hinge on my looks as I'd be doomed if it did.

Same here Pacific - my own grandmother used to say how ugly I was and she couldn't understand it because my siblings and parents were good looking.

However, having a face like a blind cobbler's thumb means that although it took a long time to accept myself, when I finally did my self-esteem was based on something deeper than the length of my eyelashes. And although I'm still never going to win any beauty contests, my expression is pleasant (mostly ! ) and I'm approachable.

(A "friend" at school was bewailing the fact that she had a (single) spot and how awful it was for her and sobbing about this almost invisible mark. I pointed out that it wasn't the end of the world - I had spots. She said "It's alright for you - you're used to it and no-one looks you anyway."

Bitch)

Shockers · 25/04/2017 21:15

People who smile genuinely are attractive.

To smile genuinely, you must mean it. Try harnessing your friend's self belief and you might eventually feel as attractive as she is.

Smith1 · 25/04/2017 21:16

Hope that 'friend' isn't a friend now, flappy

I personally detest having my photo taken and get v upset. I don't think iI'm too bad looking but need to lose weight. I am trying to have more photos with family though as people tell me I'm regret it later in life if I don't.

Crispbutty · 25/04/2017 21:16

Even people with the least conventional features can be very attractive when they smile.

I often despair when I see so many of my younger female friends Facebook selfies... it's a never ending stream of duck faced pouting taken at odd angles, yet every single one of them look far more attractive when they are naturally smiling usually in photos where they are unaware it's been taken. I thought the same when I saw a photo of Katie price earlier.

She probably doesn't like this photo as she's not "perfect" in it... but personally I think it's one of the best photos of her in recent times.

Anonymous1112 · 25/04/2017 21:18

Hi Pacific - I was a bit hasty with my outrage and on reflection I understand what you mean. Confidence is key here. I'm not ugly because I don't feel ugly, I have confidence in myself even though I have a facial issue because (clicks fingers) I own it!!!

SecretNetter · 25/04/2017 21:21

Some people just don't photograph well so I'd not necessarily rate your looks on them tbph. My mum is a beautiful woman and looks fantastic for her age (60), at least ten years younger...but I've never seen a decent picture of her. It's odd...she just looks awful in photos whereas in the flesh she looks lovely.

Otoh, my BFF is average looking but she looks like a supermodel in every picture. She just knows how to pose to get the best shot and uses make up that looks heavy handed in rl but amazing in photos.

HappyFlappy · 25/04/2017 21:22

Not for many years Smith. The last time I saw her was almost 40 years ago - I'd just got engaged. My spots had pretty much gone, so I wasn't a hideous mass of pustules any more (though I still had - and have - a crap complexion with acne scars) and I was looking as good as nature would let me. Her fiancé had recently dumped her. I don't normally indulge in schadenfreude, but on this particular occasion I allowed myself a warm rosy glow . . . ).

HappyFlappy · 25/04/2017 21:23

Like her or loathe her, you have to admit that Katie Price is a very pretty woman.

NameChanger22 · 25/04/2017 21:24

Hardly anyone looks better with age. Most people get fatter, more frumpy and wrinkly. I don't think it has anything to do with thinking bad thoughts. It has far more to do with gravity, stress and pie eating. I don't know anyone over the age of 45 in real life that looks good.

NameChanger22 · 25/04/2017 21:25

I've met Katie Price, she looks really good in person. She's very slim with amazing hair. I never thought she was pretty until i met her.

joanslegs · 25/04/2017 21:32

I'm unattractive and have always felt ugly, but lately I've started to come to better terms with it - getting older I guess.

I just started a new job after six months out of work where I wore make up maybe once every six weeks rather than every day at my old job. My skin has been so much better. Make up hurts my face and it doesn't help; I've stopped apart from mascara - I feel better and in a way more confident, it's my own self and not pretending to be something I'm not.

I think what I'm trying to say is that its taken me a long long time to realise my face doesn't matter, really my insides are ok and that's what others seem to like about me. I wish I'd realised earlier. I would have been much happier with my appearance.

joanslegs · 25/04/2017 21:34

I don't mean by the way that wearing make up is people pretending to be something they are not - only myself, I wore make up to try to look like everyone else that is, or I perceive to be, prettier than me.

Oh god, hole dug, burying self

still enjoy glamming my face up for a night out, mind.

Rainbunny · 25/04/2017 21:36

I get you OP, I feel as though my looks have stayed the same for about a decade and then suddenly in the last couple of years I'm going downhill, gravity is apparently catching up with me. I don't have many lines or wrinkles (thanks to my DM drumming it into me to use sunscreen) but even though my weight is more or less the same, my face is getting wider and flatter, it's very disturbing! Coming from a family of chubby cheeked people I can see I have future jowls to look forward to as well :(

I've never been photogenic either, one picture out of 100 might turn out okay and ironically I always look worse when I'm trying to pose to look my best!

Just remember OP, just because you don't like the way you look in photos doesn't mean you are unattractive. Photos only capture a moment in time in a two dimensional format, they don't capture how we are animated and expressive in RL, which are things that make us look more attractive.

browndoobie · 25/04/2017 21:36

We all think we look shit in photos, its normal. FF 10 or 20 yrs from now you will wish you could tell yourself you looked fab.

Just don't look at current photos if it's causing you grief. They'll be a nice surprise of you later on.

joanslegs · 25/04/2017 21:39

"Just remember OP, just because you don't like the way you look in photos doesn't mean you are unattractive. Photos only capture a moment in time in a two dimensional format, they don't capture how we are animated and expressive in "

Rainbunny that is just lovely

PickAChew · 25/04/2017 21:39

Getting older is far better than the alternative.

SuperFlyHigh · 25/04/2017 21:45

FGS OP, your comment re your mate is appalling.

It's true as well, if you feel confident and smile more you come across as a lot more attractive to other people compared to if you have a permanent scowl on your face. your DH is also right.

I must admit if I see myself in mirrors I see signs of ageing etc. I do try as do we all to "take care of myself" but some days I try more than others. And yes it's pointless comparing yourself to someone 20 years younger or a model.

Rainbunny · 25/04/2017 21:53

Joanslegs - it's so true!

One of the most attractive features about my DH is the utterly charming, roguish twinkle in his eye which just can't be captured by a photo. He also has a lovely smile and he's one of the happiest people I know yet every pic I ever see him in he looks quite stern. He doesn't understand it either, he tries to smile for pictures but they always come out the same!

I would put money on the fact that you're lovely to look at and be around in RL!

Giddyaunt18 · 25/04/2017 22:18

Talking of Katie price. I thought she never looked better than in the jungle with no make-up. I think the same for all the female celebrities on that show. When they come out I always wish they wouldn't trowel it on and so does DH.

aintnothinbutagstring · 25/04/2017 22:34

With the right angle and filter, enough makeup, shooshy hair, I can make myself look like a supermodel in a selfie, honestly. Then I go into town shopping, try on some clothes in one of those changing rooms with a three-way mirror and catch my reflection from several angles and think 'fuck me, this can't be right', you have to laugh at your own vanity, really you do otherwise you'd be so miserable.

BanjaxedFecker · 25/04/2017 22:57

well, you know what op, i get it, and feel the same way, and yes, it's ridiculous i know.

i also suffer from chronic bitchy resting face, so what i do is keep on top of my teeth and keep smiling.

Shockers · 26/04/2017 06:12

aintnothin, this is why I will not try anything on in M&S.

I don't know who designed their mirrors, but they put 10 years and at least a stone on me!

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