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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

363 replies

ncrant · 25/04/2017 18:52

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

OP posts:
needsahalo · 26/04/2017 10:51

Also lying =/= gaslighting. Gas lighting is a really specific form of intimate abuse but the term now gets overused to the point of meaninglessness which is incredibly sucky for genuine victims

Hmmm.....why assume I don't understand what gaslighting is? I know the difference. And in my experience, gaslighting is a huge part of sustained affairs. And before you say it, yes, of course, it's also my experience, but it is also the experience of many women I have met you have been in similar positions.

needsahalo · 26/04/2017 10:54

needsahalo - but that's a massive projection on your part. You're assuming a lot about every single couple's financial situation for a start.

No. I am fully aware that different relationships operate in different ways. I don't assume everyone having an affair will use joint monies to help them achieve their affairs. It is a common feature, however, as are all the other issues I mentioned. A bit like a pick and mix of infidelity.

NotJanine · 26/04/2017 10:59

Human beings are flawed and sometimes do shitty things. Every single one of us.

Surely not to the extent of having an affair though? Surely most peoples mistakes are more on a par with shouting at someone when you're tired and not feeling well or eating the last chocolate out of the box and claiming you don't know anything about it?

BishopBrennansArse · 26/04/2017 11:04

I used to have this kind of black and white thinking.

Then whilst in an abusive relationship that I felt unable to get out of I had affairs - I knew that if discovered it'd end it permanently (very screwed up thinking I know).

In my marriage now there is absolutely no way I would be unfaithful. I have way too much love and respect for DH and I'm happy.

But no I wouldn't judge because of my own life experience.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 26/04/2017 11:58

I just wonder if any of the posters who've said "No judging from me", have ever had to be swabbed for STIs and had their blood ran for HIV when their partner's infidelity came to light?

Having to do that, and wait for results while also processing the news and adapting to our immediate Separation certainly made me a bit more judgemental of people who risk their DH/DW's sexual and physical health for their own gratification.

I'm sure there's many reasons behind people having an affair, but even taking away the emotional betrayal, there's no excusing that level of disregard for somebody else's health.

Angrybird123 · 26/04/2017 12:21

I also think a lot depends on what happens after. My ex left for ow who is apparently (according to the nauseating adolescent drivel I read on his phone ) his soul mate. They are getting married soon. Maybe they are soul mates and better together than we were BUT we were together for ten years and had two small children. He moved away from them to be with her. He told me she was more important than them. He regularly didn't / doesn't maximise oppotunitues to spend additional time with them. He tells anyone who will listen that he adores his kids and that we were so miserable together. The rewriting of the past relationship and often demonizing the cheated on spouse to justify it is actually far more hurtful than the actual leaving. The powerlessness of the cheated on spouse over the fate of their marriage - if the 'unhappiness' was true, why not say something, try to change it? That's why I will always despise what he did. And she likewise knew us as a family, knew our kids who have suffered terribly and still do. Yet she had the nerve to sit with me and claim that the kids were the most important thing - well clearly not or she'd not have accepted ex's advances. That's why I think she is a vile human being. A straightforward 'met someone else' is one thing but the lying, deception and self deception that is a part of most of these affairs is what makes them so wrong.

Sologirl1982 · 26/04/2017 12:30

I totally disapprove and feel there will never be an excuse to cheat on your partner. As an adult you are capable of holding back until the relationship you are in has finished before going on to somebody else.

Same applies if you are the single one and playing around with someone who is in a relationship. Wait until it's over.

Affairs are hurtful and selfish.

nonsense123 · 26/04/2017 12:59

I totally agree with you. I struggle my father was a serial cheater and I'll never forgive him. I've been with my husband 13yrs just not in DNA.
Friend though I worked with her husband and he had a long affair. I really couldn't cope with it couldn't look him in the eye. At some point she found out. He assumed it was me but it wasn't. She now won't look me in the eye or return my calls. He made life so unbearable I left my job! And I had literally done nothing other than feel guilty and hand wring!!!
It's a web of deceit and lies and says a lot about a person to me. Selfishness, level of honesty....

nonsense123 · 26/04/2017 13:02

Having said all that have a friend who categorically says it wouldn't be a deal breaker for her... married for more than 20yrs so perhaps she's seen a lot more than me.

PollyPerky · 26/04/2017 13:08

IMO this is a very silly thread.

OP why do you need to post about this? You are being sanctimonious.

It's kind of 'throw in a hand grenade and step back' type of post.

I doubt there is anyone who would say affairs are a good thing.

But there are many reasons why people go outside of their marriages for love, sex, empathy, whatever they find that they don't already have.

Posters who say they couldn't have an affair because they love their partner so much are missing the point! Many affairs start because a marriage is on its last legs and is an escape.

Affairs aren't good, but they'd not be at the top of my list for the terrible things people can do to each other. There is much worse.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 26/04/2017 13:15

Those of you that don't judge - what do you actually think then? Your friend tells you she's having an affair and you just - what? Say, ok then, shrug and literally don't think about it ever again?

I judge people that have affairs. I judge them because if the person they are supposed to love and cherish the most can't even trust them, how do I know they are trustworthy in any other part of their lives? I think differently of people that admit to committing crimes or having bigoted viewpoints, and don't really see the difference.

I suppose it's all about lines in the sand but without knowing both parties thoughts I struggle to understand the 'no judging' viewpoint.

LadyPW · 26/04/2017 13:17

I think people who play away from home are scum, sorry but I do
Totally with you on this ^^
I'm black & white thinking on this one. If you want a relationship / sex with someone else you end the relationship you're in first. No excuses.

backwardnames · 26/04/2017 13:45

Felicia - The point is that not everyone is with the love of their lives and not everyone is in a happy marriage. If a friend told me they were having an affair my first question would be "Why?" If someone is deeply unhappy in their marriage and can't afford to leave, then they need help and support.

It is a completely different kettle of fish to someone that just wants to have their partner at home while they go shagging around.

backwardnames · 26/04/2017 13:46

That is an official viewpoint of someone who doesn't judge.

danTDM · 26/04/2017 13:53

YABU, how old are you and what life experience do you have?

bigmouthstrikesagain · 26/04/2017 13:55

Just one question to every person happy to declare anyone who commits adultery as "scum". If your adult son or daughter was unfaithful to their partner/ wife/ husband - would you cut them out of your life completely and declare them scum? If they went on to have children with that person they were unfaithful with would you still go non contact? Would you differentiate in your relationship with any grandchildren according to their parentage?

I wonder how easy it is to be consistent in judgement and black and white thinking if it is your children involved? I am only judgemental about a situation when I know all the facts and can have a meaningful opinion on it. If I don't know everything how can i judge? How can anyone?

MyheartbelongstoG · 26/04/2017 13:58

Can't stand a cheating scumbag.

I've dropped friends because of affairs and had no problem telling them to their face why.

I dropped a friend on Friday last week because she is untrustworthy.

MyheartbelongstoG · 26/04/2017 14:00

Bigmouth, I cut my mother out of my life for 8 years because of an affair she had.

grannytomine · 26/04/2017 14:17

Felicia, I think the judging thing varies for me. If someone is a serial adulterer I would be more judgemental than if I had a friend who I knew was unhappy and fell in love and left to be with the man she loved.

Even with the serial adulterer I think there can be variations e.g. a wife/husband who says OK have an affair I am prepared to accept that to keep you. I don't think that is very nice but if it suits them then its none of my business.

PollyPerky · 26/04/2017 14:17

Felicia - The point is that not everyone is with the love of their lives and not everyone is in a happy marriage. If a friend told me they were having an affair my first question would be "Why?" If someone is deeply unhappy in their marriage and can't afford to leave, then they need help and support.

^
This.

The responses on here seem to show a lack of life experience. It's the kind of response I'd have had when I was 16 and life was black and white. Now, in my 60s, I've seen and heard it all, many times over.
There is no black and white.

I don't think affairs are as bad as emotional abuse, violence, male chauvinism, theft, murder, secret debts, addictions, ........

LadyPW · 26/04/2017 14:36

If someone is deeply unhappy in their marriage and can't afford to leave, then they need help and support
So give them help & support but they don't need to cheat. You can provide support & assistance without sleeping with someone!
And I'm mid 40s, plenty of experience of life thanks.

Nutterfly · 26/04/2017 14:41

To answer bigmouth, if my DS grew up to cheat on his spouse, no, I wouldn't cut him out of my life. He is my child and I will love him and keep him in my life no matter what he does.
However I would be horribly disappointed in his behaviour, and I wouldn't pretend otherwise.
I'm trying to raise him to be a respectful and loving adult, not someone who can't even be trusted by his own wife.

Also, I find the 'lack of life experience' posts a little patronising tbh. Unfortunately I have far more experience of this than I'd like.

Daisybutton · 26/04/2017 14:50

I'm having an affair. I'm not scum. Everyone who knows us think we are 'good' people, and I believe in many ways we are. Obviously we know having an affair is wrong, but to the people who think we have no care to our actions, you have got that wrong.

JumpingAtShadows · 26/04/2017 15:06

I was the victim of an affair. My husband had an affair with someone else. We tried again for a few months but the trust was gone. It has destroyed me completely

I just think that if people who have affairs had any respect or ounce of care for their wedded partner, they would not put them in this situation. They would not want to risk destroying their husband or wife's, life.

I will never understand why he chose to behave like this - it would be much easier to deal with if he had ended our marriage and then did what he liked

Pigface1 · 26/04/2017 15:13

You know, it's odd, Ive been thinking about this and I don't really judge people who cheat on their spouses THAT much.

I would die of guilt if I cheated on DH, and would be heartbroken if he cheated on me, but people have all sorts of reasons for behaving the way they do. If a woman's being abused I'm not going to judge her for having an affair.

The thing I really DO judge is unmarried people who sleep with married people (in the knowledge that they're married). I could just never, ever do this - the guilt would destroy me. When I was single there were a number of gorgeous, lovely married guys in my office, but even though I was single it was as though there was a mental 'he's married' barrier there. I'd feel guilty for even looking at them.

That's weird, isn't it? Because it's just two sides of the same coin at the end of the day - perhaps it's unconscious double standards on my part.