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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

363 replies

ncrant · 25/04/2017 18:52

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

OP posts:
FataliePorkman · 26/04/2017 02:54

I don't understand it. Ditto open relationships.

Stand on your own two feet, pay your shit and if you want to sleep with Tom Dick and Harry be my guest.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 26/04/2017 03:02

It happens not because people don't care (of course some don't) but many do it's not as simple as saying people don't care we are more far more complex than that

One of our human drive is seeking pleasure it's not an excuse but all humans can be incredibly selfish and it a selfish act to cheat (most of the time) and it is at times purely about desire and nothing to do with love (might become love) or how much we love our partner

LordAnthony · 26/04/2017 03:08

I was adamant i wouldn't ever have an affair, but events two years ago made me re-think my absolute certainty.

Things were going badly wrong at home, my wife is not good at expressing her feelings and can be very emotionally withdrawn. I had difficulties securing work in a field, i just qualified in and my self esteem was at all time low (none of which i is an excuse) and i felt useless, unwanted and unloved. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms and scarcely communicating (for which i was equally responsible)

I got on very well with another member of staff employed for the summer we were on the same wavelength (similar senses of humour, interests, same lackadaisical attitude to the job) and the fact she clearly enjoyed my company and wanted to spend time with me was a huge boost to my self esteem: someone, an intelligent, attractive and witty woman enjoyed my company. I spent myself wanting to spend more time with her, seeking her out on lunch breaks etc
Looking back it is embarrassing and foolish of me: it wasn't a sexual attraction, it was more like a deep romantic yearning.

I didn't or wouldn't have given her any indication of my feelings and I have no idea how she felt, but hand on heart, if she'd expressed she'd harboured any feelings for me, i honestly don't know how it would have panned out. A weak and shameful admission and a salutary warning that i shouldn't attempt to take the moral high ground.

MumBod · 26/04/2017 03:43

I think humans who call other humans 'scum' are as bad as people who have affairs.

beingsunny · 26/04/2017 04:11

Of course YABU, you have no idea the complexities of other people's relationships.

MumBod · 26/04/2017 04:12

In fact, worse.

MumBod · 26/04/2017 04:12

In some cases.

needsahalo · 26/04/2017 06:38

Yeah, people who risk other's sexual health, lie, gaslight, use joint monies to entertain someone else and then spend weeks,even months and years denying their awful behaviour are great people aren't they, mumBod? Confused

MumBod · 26/04/2017 07:30

Never said they were.

dementedma · 26/04/2017 08:12

What maxandruby said is a good summation of many people's circumstances.

Haliez13 · 26/04/2017 09:07

needsahalo - but that's a massive projection on your part. You're assuming a lot about every single couple's financial situation for a start.

Also lying =/= gaslighting. Gas lighting is a really specific form of intimate abuse but the term now gets overused to the point of meaninglessness which is incredibly sucky for genuine victims.

MumBod · 26/04/2017 09:13

I can never see what judgmental people get out of it.

How does it benefit you to judge others? What's in it for you?

You don't know anyone's story, circumstances, the ins and outs of their relationships, their psychology - anything about them.

If everyone who has an affair is 'scum', there must be an awful lot of 'scum' about.

PollytheDolly · 26/04/2017 09:58

MumBod

Agree.

NotJanine · 26/04/2017 10:14

I find it very sad when I read these thread and people talk about -

how many people they know that are having/have had affairs
how everyone fucks up
how everyone hurts other people

I have experienced what it is like to be cheated on and have pretty much lost trust in everyone as a result. I used to think that it was a very small minority of people who did these things, that almost everyone else was just 'normal' i.e. kind, considerate. Think I've been very naive.

Casschops · 26/04/2017 10:29

Humans are multi faceted and imperfect just because someone has an affair does not make them a bad friend. Must be nice to be perfect hey.....And no I don't really judge who am I to judge anyone. I think it's pretty high a mighty to tar all people who do cheat with the same brush and yes I have been on the recieving end.

FamilySpartan · 26/04/2017 10:34

You'll probably get a lot of responses telling you it's none of your business and that people are free to do whatever they like from those who have never had to deal with the fallout, or had their relationship torn apart by an affair. Or by people who are happily conducting one themselves.

DeleteOrDecay · 26/04/2017 10:35

We all judge let's not pretend we don't. It's human instinct to make judgements on events/people even if we don't vocalise them. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I don't judge anyone ever. I am not perfect and expect that there are people out there who judge me too.

Cheating is generally bad, there are some circumstances where it might be more 'acceptable'.That's the long and short of it.

jennyfromtheblock1975 · 26/04/2017 10:39

All the people saying piously "I don't judge, it's not my business". While taking part in an internet forum called AIBU, whose sole purpose is to judge whether a stranger on the internet is being unreasonable or not GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

MumBod · 26/04/2017 10:41

So, it's okay to follow the human instinct to judge others, but not to follow the human instinct to have an affair and try not to get into trouble for it.

Not saying the latter is right, by the way. But neither is the former.

Human beings are flawed and sometimes do shitty things. Every single one of us.

MumBod · 26/04/2017 10:43

Not pious. Quite the opposite. I'm about as far from perfect as it's possible to get, which is why I don't see myself as in a position to judge others and call them scum.

Didn't look what forum I was on. I saw the thread in Active Conversations. I try to avoid AIBU, on the whole.

BadLad · 26/04/2017 10:44

All the people saying piously "I don't judge, it's not my business". While taking part in an internet forum called AIBU, whose sole purpose is to judge whether a stranger on the internet is being unreasonable or not

We don't judge in AIBU.

We discuss, and we point out room for improvement.

DeleteOrDecay · 26/04/2017 10:45

So having an affair is human instinct now? OkayConfused

nInachu · 26/04/2017 10:48

My Exh had an affair, it was devastating, and obviously it ended things.

I have no sympathy for people in affairs, it is wrong. If you want to sleep with other people have an open relationship.

NotJanine · 26/04/2017 10:48

I am genuinely interested to know, for those who don't 'judge' their friends who are having an affair - is there anything that would stop you being friends with them?

Haliez13 · 26/04/2017 10:48

FamilySpartan - actually, I found out my partner was cheating on my on my birthday, a number of years ago. I walked out of the house at 4 am and wound up sleeping in my car as I had nowhere else to go. I lost my home, and my job, because I had nowhere to live. I had to move in with my dad and went from a good career to working in a call centre for a while.

It took me literally years to get myself back on track.

But you know what? Looking back I can see how broken my relationship was. It happened, it wasn’t ideal, but I don’t think anyone involved was a monster. Shit happens. Relationship break ups are hard, whether infidelity is involved or not.