Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

363 replies

ncrant · 25/04/2017 18:52

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 27/04/2017 09:01

cory- not all people lie (see my point about some partners turning a blind eye- 'open secret' )

Not all couples have children nor do the children find out.

Not all people having affairs offload to friends or family. (And if friends know, what business is it of theirs?)

HardcoreLadyType · 27/04/2017 09:06

I do think having an affair is wrong, but it's not necessarily the worst thing that one partner can do to the other.

There are lots of kinds of disloyalty that are at least as damaging to a relationship, including putting other family (parents, siblings, etc) before your partner.

People are multifaceted, and have capacity for both good and bad. Having an affair doesn't make you all bad, just as being the "wronged party" doesn't make you pure as the driven snow.

Of course, if someone's partner had an affair, I would absolutely support their decision to leave the relationship, if they wanted to do so.

As for the "other woman" or "other man", I think often they may be choosing a relationship with someone unavailable (sometimes even unconsciously) for their own reasons. They may be deliberately looking for a low commitment relationship, or may be choosing someone who is not committed to them, because of issues of their own.

Anyway, I think it's best not to judge other people, either way. There's enough to be getting on with, working on one's own shortcomings.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 27/04/2017 09:11

Depends.

I don't think people should be trapped in a relationship they don't want to be in by what is essentially a piece of paper (contract). Life's not that simple, and you only get one shot at it.

If you are a parent then I think the focus needs to shift from what you need to what your kids need. Divorce is devastating for children and extremely damaging. Parenting should come before your own wants. Obviously, separating from an abusive relationship is entirely different from following your heart to be with the love of your life but your kid's well-being should be the catalyst of your actions. Likewise, staying with an abusive partner (because you love them ) and putting your kids at risk is also selfish.

So, I'd say, no kids, put yourself first, be happy. Kids, put their needs first.

Changesorter · 27/04/2017 09:21

every relationship before DH I was unfaithful. These were younger days, the relationships were quite long- term, 2 years, 5 years, 3 years.

One of those relationships was very serious the 5 year one - he adored me, he was controlling and obsessive, I was too young to understand this wasn't love and loyalty. I was repeatedly unfaithful to him when he worked away which was often because I was unhappy.

It utterly utterly devastated him and he is still broken many many years later, perhaps he was already broken anyway.

I vowed i'd never ever do it again. My subsequent relationship after that I adored the man, gave my whole heart and he was unfaithful to me then to get back at him I was unfaithful too. it was horrible.

You get what you give, I learned a lot and was taught a big lesson.

I have been with DH 20 years and never have and never would again. He' the only man I married and marriage is sanctity in my eyes.

yes I judge.

NotJanine · 27/04/2017 09:30

I agree that a relationship is doomed if someone is capable of hurting their partner by lies,betrayal etc.

I don't believe that affairs are an inevitable part of an unhappy relationship though.

trixymalixy · 27/04/2017 09:33

What I do judge is the trying to justify it with "they're my soul mate" (have heard that so many times!)and the rewriting of history that seems to go along with it.

I had one person telling me her marriage was sexless and had been from the start. I reeled off to her all the times she'd bragged to me about her sex life and her DH waking her up in the middle of the night for sex and being able to hear them at it when we were away for a weekend.

corythatwas · 27/04/2017 09:42

PollyPerky Thu 27-Apr-17 09:01:15
cory- not all people lie (see my point about some partners turning a blind eye- 'open secret' ): if it's an open secret, why not have it out in the open? ime the "open secret" often involves one partner feeling very vulnerable and insecure, because they don't know exactly what is going on or how much in their relationship is the other partner faking it to keep them from asking the question

Not all couples have children nor do the children find out. it's a big risk if you do have children- and as a parent you won't necessarily ever know that they did find out or what harm it did them

Not all people having affairs offload to friends or family. (And if friends know, what business is it of theirs?)- it is the business of friends if they feel they have to carry on speaking to their friend as if something were true that they know, for a fact, is not true; it is the business of friends if they have to worry that their friend will feel betrayed when they found out that they knew all along, yet went along with covering up for the cheating partner

I try not to judge people. But I hate lying, or semi-lying, and I get really, really angry when other people expect me to do that just because it suits them.

ThisAintALoveSong · 27/04/2017 10:30

Not all people having affairs offload to friends or family. (And if friends know, what business is it of theirs?) this would be a massive betrayal too. If a friend or family member knew about an affair and said nothing because it wasn't their business. I would see them as being complicit in the deceit. And would drop them like a bag of shit thereafter.

FrenchMartiniTime · 27/04/2017 11:00

I don't believe there is any reason to cheat. If you are unhappy then leave, don't rub salt in the would and hurt someone further by cheating on them.

And I don't believe people when they say "anybody could cheat." Just because you have no morals don't make yourself feel better by tarring everyone with the same brush.

I ended a friendship because she cheated on her husband of 10 years who she admitted was a lovely man who gave her a great life but she was just bored. She has subsequently left him without a care in the world and a year on his friends are still picking up the pieces. Who does that? I couldn't look at her the same way again.

Cheaters are the lowest of the low and there is never a good enough excuse for it.

Bobbydeniro69 · 27/04/2017 11:25

Affairs happen for a huge variety of reasons, and in a huge variety of circumstances.

It is, of course, easy to say it is wrong, disrespectful and hurtful. The word ' cheating' is used without contest in most peoples minds.

It's the easiest thing in the world to say ' If you are unhappy just leave, don't have an affair'. If it was that easy, then affairs wouldn't happen.

For me, it's easy for people to judge others who affairs but if you your feelings change for your partner and you no longer love or even like them , but you are in a relationship with young children and a big mortgage, and you meet someone else you think is amazing...well that's when affairs happen.

I believe there are different types of 'affairs' as well, you can't just give every one the same label.

Aderyn2016 · 27/04/2017 11:50

I think if you are going to cheat, don't dump that knowledge on your friends. It isn't fair to make them complicit and turn your behaviour into their problem.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 27/04/2017 13:10

One thing that is always evident, even in this thread with the people who admit their affair, is the levels of cognitive dissonance involved to justify their decision.
Having an affair requires cognitive dissonance in spades to help the cheater still feel they a decent person for their choice.

Since you obviously know you aren't behaving in a decent and honourable way, you have to excuse yourself.

It's been said here in the last few pages "He was in an abusive relationship"..."he still suffers now".

People conducting affairs rationalise, rationalise, rationalise their behaviour to hold on to the “I’m a good person” self-image, by pardoning certain behaviors of their own, while highlighting 'bad' behaviour others (his Wife made his life unbearable before I came along).

Every time.

witchhazelblue · 27/04/2017 13:29

I totally agree Benadryl. My brother is one of these. Married twice, both have ended because of his affairs.

First wife was lovely but he hated her parents and he slept with a colleague. To this day he blames his ex-wife's parents (how they were instrumental in him having an affair I'll never know).

Second wife was a lot more high maintenance and he felt 'trapped and unhappy' so had a long-term affair with his secretary who was half his age. After the marriage broke down she dumped him and now he hates both ex-wife and ex-affair woman.

Through all this he thinks he's a nice (misunderstood, troubled, unloved etc) person when he's just a narc. It's frightening to watch.

PollytheDolly · 27/04/2017 13:41

Witchazel the serial cheater then. Never going to change.

PoorYorick · 27/04/2017 13:47

People conducting affairs rationalise, rationalise, rationalise their behaviour to hold on to the “I’m a good person” self-image, by pardoning certain behaviors of their own, while highlighting 'bad' behaviour others (his Wife made his life unbearable before I came along).

I find this to be a pretty constant pattern of human behaviour, and not confined to affairs.

witchhazelblue · 27/04/2017 13:56

Sadly it seems so Polly. None of us in the family approve but he's in his 40s now and seems incapable of change. I expect him to end his life being very sad and lonely.

Original poster
ncrant · 27/04/2017 13:58

PollyPerky I certainly never called anyone scum or cunt - I would never dream of labelling anyone in that way. And I am definitely trying to understand - isn't that exactly what my OP asked? If you take issue with other posters, fine, but please don't misquote me.

I repeat, I am interested in all points of view, and I am thinking about them all.

OP posts:
anotherpoisonprince · 27/04/2017 17:16

My DD (aged 27) is currently havin a FWB relationship with someone who lives with a partner with a child under 2.
I judge my DD. I love her but I thought I'd raised her with a bit more sense and better morals.
Surely commitment is commitment?

NatalieKirk · 27/04/2017 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

birdbandit · 28/04/2017 17:19

It's not just the affair. Calculated lying to anyone is horrible.

Affairs usually go hand in hand with other horrible behaviour, trying to justify in your own mind why it is ok for you to be doing this, by demonising your partner. Messing with them by "gaslighting" them into accepting/believing your version of events. Reducing them to someone whose rights are subservient to your own.

It stinks. I don't buy the whole, "oh we live longer now so it is unnatural to stay faithful soooo long" Can you manage to avoid committing any other fraud which has huge impact on your family, in these long years? Or is stealing, a bit of light murder ok as well?

People seem to think that their "needs" are somehow a priority. No they are not.

birdbandit · 28/04/2017 17:25

I also find it weird that the OW/OM seems to (usually) accept their affair partners version of what the state of their home life is like. From a definite liar!

emmalie · 28/04/2017 17:27

YANBU

Nutterfly · 28/04/2017 17:54

Second what birdbandit said about being a proven liar. If their own husband/wife can't trust them, I certainly wouldn't.

PoorYorick · 28/04/2017 18:49

Or is stealing, a bit of light murder ok as well?

I don't condone affairs (though, as I've said previously, I don't think they are all the same), but I really cannot compare them with murder.

Undercoverbanana · 28/04/2017 19:04

I had an affair that ended a 25+ year relationship. I will never come to terms with my shitty behaviour. I wasn't happy and I should have dealt with it by ending the relationship before embarking on anything else. I was a coward and I will judge myself forever.

I expected the hatred of everyone I knew to descend on me, but, apart from a few, even the most unexpected people have been supportive, caring and said things like "you never know what's going on for others" etc.

I had judged others in the past for affairs, but now I realise that life is full of grey areas. Most people are not shits. They are just people who lose the plot.