To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

[ncrant]

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

How can you allow another person's behaviour to destroy you? Genuine question

I don't understand this question. People are hurt and have their lives destroyed by the actions of others all the time. If pp feels her life was destroyed by her husbands affair then that's how she feels and perfectly reasonable for her to feel that way. I would be devastated if my Dp had an affair, absolutely devastated so I can see where she's coming from.

LordAnthony and GutInstinct - your posts really got to me in their different ways. I really really hope things get better for you in time.

At what point did I say that society was supportive of people who have affairs or that I waited for an opportunity for someone to look after me? Surely if I'd wanted that I could have left for the OM, moved in with him and lived "happily ever after?"

The point I was making was that people state that if you're unhappy then you should just leave. Except if you're just unhappy, society does not tolerate or understand that. In fact society upholds the need to try, try, try some more. It can't be that bad because he doesn't hit you and isn't sleeping around. Marriage is sacred and should be upheld at all costs.

I didn't wait for an affair to have an opportunity to leave. I talked about leaving several times before that. but the reality is that at the point the affair happened my self worth had been so far obliterated that I engaged in conversation with someone without so much as even a thought towards the notion that he might find me attractive. It was never even on my radar because I'd been told that I wasn't attractive in any way shape or form and that it didn't matter because DH would be there to love me always.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but neither does the one wrong cancel out all the others. But feel free to keep believing that I just didn't want to be a single parent on benefits so waited around for a convenient shag.

My friend has just split from her 2nd husband. She had a bit of a thing with a guy near the end. Now she's just met someone who is married.
I told her I wished she'd meet someone single.

A lot of affairs are conducted by arsewipes who don't give a shit about their commitment or the partners. No respect. Totally agree with that.

BUT

My DH came out of a decades long abusive, alcoholic, drug induced, violent narcissistic "relationship". His self worth was less than nothing. He would never have had the courage to leave, that ingrained belief that was systemically conditioned into him that he was not worthy, without the insight of a person that actually valued him and could see him for the person he is. He STILL has problems believing that.

Do you think he could have left someone so abusive, who would verbally and physically attack him, with knives at times, gaslight, emotionally blackmail, and make him feel like a worthless "shit cunt" without a light at the end of the tunnel?

All of his immediate family and friends, who knew some of what was going on, and that's some, they don't even know all of it, breathed a sigh of relief and a thank god he's met someone else. They didn't care a jot about her? Why was that? Because they thought he was scum and judged him?

Don't tar everyone with the same brush because unless you've been in that situation you don't know what the fuck you're judging.

It's years on and he's in counselling. He's a very damaged person because of what the abuser did. Oh, of course she's now the victim because he had the audacity to leave (although she cheated in the relationship but of course, history is rewritten)

Do I feel bad he was married at the time.

No.

YANBU I didn't talk to a very close friend for over a year because she started up a 'relationship' with a man whose partner had just had a baby. She convinced herself that he was really single deep down and was only going back to his partner / home at the weekend as he wanted to see the baby 😧(he was working away from home which is how she met him) It absolutely changed the way I felt about her as a person and our friendship never really recovered.

I never realised that living with an abusive partner was such a common reason for starting an affair. You would think no one did if for excitement, better sex, the ego boost etc any more.

To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs

To be honest, I'm yet to meet anyone who does approve

Amazing how some people only find the strength to leave after smashing their genitals with someone elses. They must be some damned magical genitalia.

Here's a crazy idea, perhaps they should get some counselling for themselves instead of relying on another person for their self worth.

If someone's in a relationship leave well alone.
There are a couple of things on that one.
How about the person in the actual relationship. Does he/she not bare any responsibility.
Also what if the other party didn't know he/she was married.
No don't get me wrong. If its a women shagging her best friends dh. They're both the cuntisest of cunts.
However like I said. Some parties may be innocent.

Gutinstinct that was a very brave post. I hope you are okay. I hope it goes some way to show that these matters are not black and white.

Nutterfly
Morally I think affairs are wrong, I don't imagine anyone would say that they are ethically a good idea. I am not trying to justify myself, just responding to the posters who are calling me scum, which I don't believe to be true.
In our case, I am not hurting anyone close to me as I am single, his children are grown up, but his son has MH issues and his wife has crippling anxiety. If he really had no regard for her he would leave.

But Daisy if you know he has a wife with an illness. Then you should be ashamed of yourself. You're not a young nieve besotted 18 year old who doesn't know he's married.
Oh yes and absolutely so should he be ashamed of himself. A lot more so than you.
But please do not come up with that crap. You're not hurting anyone. I promise you. You are.

No one "approves"

It's all shit. With enormous fallout.

Anyone who thinks someone in an absusive relationship having an affair and it's all "wohooo I'm getting my end away aren't I the stud/ultimate woman and having fun and fuck everyone else" needs to have a rethink.

Yes but Hadto you could have provided a shed load of platonic support to help him leave without actually shagging him. And that is why, in my opinion, it's black and white.

Here's a crazy idea, perhaps they should get some counselling for themselves instead of relying on another person for their self worth.

So simple. Yes they should, whilst absolutely believing it's all their fault because they're a crap individual and the other person is tantamount and perfect whilst in that relationship.

Essentially it's Monkey Syndrome then.

They won't let go of one branch until they have hold of another.

Felicia - if someone told me they were having an affair, no I probably wouldn't think anything. Just see it as a statement of fact. If someone asked me what I thought about it, then I may start to formulate an opinion and ask them questions regarding it. Whenever I've been told 'x has been having an affair and y has kicked them out' I just think oh how sad for everyone, everyone involved must be very sad etc.

Perhaps my opinion comes from the fact I don't really get sexual jealousy or possessive over a person. I'd happily have a poly relationship. My partners however have made it clear they regard it as important, so I agree to it. If dh had an affair I'm not sure how upset I'd be. I understand others are different tho, but I am not 'naturally monogamous'. It isn't something I desire in a partner particularly.

Our marriage vows were made because I was about to become a sahm and we wanted me to be protected. We had previously had our own discussions and agreements on what we expected from each other. The vows were irrelevant, it was the recognition in law we wanted.

I think the idea of being with one person forever is bizarre. To me I think it's sensible to say we'll marry for x years then reassess the situation.

I know it isn't romantic!

I don't believe the majority of affairs are happening because people are trapped in abusive relationships, are starved of affection or are desperately unhappy. I think those affairs are probably relatively small in number compared to how many people have cheated.

I think in most cases, it is about being a bit bored with everyday life, enjoying the flattery and the flirting. Combine that with a character who is a bit selfish and who can justify to themselves why they are entitled to do this and you have most affairs.
Cheaters are not generally evil - they don't kick puppies, but they are selfish and thoughtless. They don't want to think of themselves as being bad people or doing a bad thing, which is when the blaming of the cheated upon spouse sets it.

Barring abuse situations, where I think people should get comfort where they can, I do judge cheaters as weak. I respect them less than people who don't cheat. I can't get my head around how they can totally disregard their spouse and their children.

Not being monogamous is fine, so long as you are upfront with your spouse and you both agree to live this way before getting married. What is not okay is to make choices that affect someone else and not tell them. It makes a mockery of the relationship.
I think most people are as hurt by all the deception as by the sex. By knowing the person you love and trust has lied to your face - that they had no respect or care for you. That they were willing to throw their children's happiness and security under a bus to get a shag. It's a grim realisation!

*Essentially it's Monkey Syndrome then.

They won't let go of one branch until they have hold of another.*

I guess so. But monkeys have a survival instinct, especially if not grabbing the next branch is devastating for them.

I don't believe the majority of affairs are happening because people are trapped in abusive relationships, are starved of affection or are desperately unhappy. I think those affairs are probably relatively small in number compared to how many people have cheated.

I agree with this.

However, because there are extenuating circumstances for some. It can't be black and white in every instance. I suppose it's knowing the facts before you judge.

But Daisy if you know he has a wife with an illness. Then you should be ashamed of yourself.

When the chips are really down, that's how strong his marriage is. He should leave.

Maybe I should be ashamed of myself, but I can't bring myself to be. I give happiness and joy to a very unhappy man. He gives me so much love and joy too.
PollytheDolly whilst I agree he should leave, he has reasons that are very important to him not to.

Wow. And what happiness and joy will his wife be experiencing whilst you and him are off playing happy couples together behind her back?

Sorry but you and him are both vile. His wife is sick, he should be helping her, if he can't do that he should leave. He's having his cake and eating it. You are no better enabling his behaviour.