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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

363 replies

ncrant · 25/04/2017 18:52

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 26/04/2017 20:33

What are his reasons for not leaving? Genuinely interested.

Daisybutton · 26/04/2017 21:00

His wife is much happier than she would be if he left.

I don't understand this Sorry but you and him are both vile. Are you sorry because you think we are vile or for saying that we are?

I honestly don't think he is having his cake and eating it. I actually think the stress could shorten his life.

Some of his reasons;
he is worried about how his son would cope, he is an adult but due to MH issues still lives in the family home.
His wife would struggle massively if he left, she doesn't deserve that.
Wanting to be a better person than his own father.

PollytheDolly · 26/04/2017 21:08

I don't think he's having his cake and eating it. Guilt is keeping him there. It's not a reason to stay. Is he going to be in this situation forever then?

Daisy I do get it. But the bullet will have to be bit at some point. Whether it be him leaving or you leaving him to it x

Aderyn2016 · 26/04/2017 21:09

Daisy, maybe his wife has crippling anxiety because she is married to a man she cannot trust!
Not leaving doesn't make him a stand up guy. He is harming his wife, even if she doesn't know precisely the way in which he is harming her. What you are both doing, isn't without a victim, just because she doesn't know.

But hey, it's soooo stressful shagging someone else and lying about it. Playing worlds smallest violin here!

Mermaidinthesea123 · 26/04/2017 21:11

i don't want to be around marriage wreckers quite honestly.

PollytheDolly · 26/04/2017 21:11

shagging someone else and lying about it.

Christ is not about that is it? If only it were that easy in this circumstance.

DeleteOrDecay · 26/04/2017 21:12

she doesn't deserve that.

She doesn't deserve a cheating husband either. Don't pretend you are concerned for her, if you were you wouldn't touch him with a barge pole

What an utterly fucked up situation. Do you not think that when, not if - when she finds out it will be more painful for her than if he was just honest with her from the start?

He is being cowardly.

MerchantofVenice · 26/04/2017 21:12

I think some posters are bring deliberately simplistic.

It's not a choice between 'affairs are good' and 'affairs are bad'. Obviously, in the absence of any other information, affairs are quite high up the list 'bad things to do.'

But, as with most things, there is a sliding scale. That's often hard for some MNetters to acknowledge

Some affairs (perhaps even most) would be near the 'very bad' end of the scale, but with some, there are reasons to cut the offender some slack. We've had a number of very compelling stories on here where the spouse has been subjected to all sorts of abuse and sees the affair as a lifeline. Do some of you think these cases count for nothing? Are the offenders really still 'scum'?

I get that most of the time, there is no excuse, but occasionally, surely there are reasons tp empathise with someone who has an affair. That doesn't make affairs 'ok' - it doesn't even make that individual affair ok. But it surely means that you simply can't stick to the line 'every single cheater is scum'. That's just ridiculous.

PollytheDolly · 26/04/2017 21:20

i don't want to be around marriage wreckers quite honestly.

Don't then. Some marriages are absolute wrecks and shitstorms but as long as we all keep it simplistic, life is good.

Unless you're in it.

Daisybutton · 26/04/2017 21:27

Yes PollytheDolly you are right, I just don't know the answer at the moment.

DeleteorDecay 'she doesn't deserve that.' You asked me for his reasons, this was one of them, it wasn't me pretending concern.

PoorYorick · 26/04/2017 21:27

i don't want to be around marriage wreckers quite honestly.

There are lots of ways to wreck a marriage, and you wouldn't know most of them were happening.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 26/04/2017 21:28

I'm amazed that some people have such little understanding of human nature that they STILL cannot understand why this happens. It has always happened, and it will always happen until the end of time.
The fact that something happens (cheating, in this case) doesn't make it acceptable tho...that logic would justify every possible crime in history.
I'm not sure anyone has said they can't understand why affairs happen, they've said that they don't think any of the reasons make it OK, that's not the same thing at all.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 26/04/2017 21:41

Scum Shock

I thought that phrase if it is one you choose to use is normally used towards rapists, child abusers

NatalieKirk · 26/04/2017 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angrybird123 · 26/04/2017 22:08

No "these things don't happen" in a passive 'oops I tripped and fell.on his dick' way. Choices are made. My life is not ruined because of my ex and ow but i would be lying if I said the experience hasn't left scars. My parents and siblings have also been hugely affected and have made big changes in their lives to help me manage full-time work and single-parenting. Most importantly my kids are now faced with the daily absence of their dad and all the difficulties of split christmasses, as well as now being financially less advantaged in the short, medium and long term. All so ex could indulge in his adolescent mid life crisis fantasy instead of actually facing up to the reality of normal boring everyday life. There will always be exceptions but really in the bog standard affair that gets played out over and over again on the relationships board it is ultimately down to unforgivable selfishness and short sightedness. A recent obsession with our 'entitlement' to be happy at the expense of all else seems to encourage people to just abandon any idea of long term commitment, taking the rough with the smooth, working through things together. You know..what the marriage vows say.

purplecollar · 26/04/2017 22:41

I probably would've thought like that when I was younger Nataliekirk. But as I got older, too many friends/families went through it and you see what damage it does. I think one thing that rings in my ears is a friend saying, my whole adult life has been a lie. It's cruel to make a mockery of someone else's life like that.

ThisAintALoveSong · 26/04/2017 23:01

I think it's wrong and I wouldn't do it but I have never walked in anybody else's shoes so try to reserve judgement. I have never known anyone to have a full blown affair though.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 26/04/2017 23:11

I dare say you have, ThisAintALoveSong they just didn't tell you about it.
If threads like these, and any number on the Relationship boards prove anything, it's that a lot of people are having them.

backwardnames · 26/04/2017 23:22

LadyPW - I would offer help and support to anyone that wanted it.

Sometimes (and I am not necessarily talking about a physical affairr) people need an emotional kick up the backside to see how bad their situation is. When you are in a bad situation and someone says "you deserve better" it can be affirming enough to make you want to take action.

In my situation, a few weeks ago a male colleague kissed me and told me he was in love with me. I have been unhappy with DH for years - since sharing this story with people all I have heard is "stick with your marriage. It will get better". It won't get better because it has been crap for years.
and I will leave him when the time is right.

The OM did not cause the break up (nothing has even happened with him since) but he did serve as a catalyst in helping me realise I deserve better.

I think what I am saying is that where most people break up because of an affair, the affair is not the root cause of the break up.

supermoon100 · 26/04/2017 23:34

How come we rarely hear from the married women having affairs, just the single women having affairs with married men

ThisAintALoveSong · 27/04/2017 07:06

That may be true Benadryl but my social circle is small so it doesn't happen to folk I know of. Not sure about my work colleagues but I'm not close to anyone at work

PollyPerky · 27/04/2017 08:10

My feelings are that if an affair breaks up a marriage, the relationship was doomed anyway. The affair is usually a symptom of things not being right and one partner, despite appearances, being emotionally absent in the relationship. Biding their time, waiting for the moment to leave, when they can afford to or it will have less impact on children, but being emotionally available for someone else should they come along. That's what I've seen with friends and family.

I concede there are some people- mainly men- who just want sex and an ego boost- and will shag any willing woman. Serial adulterers.

I recall an interview with the actor Tom Conti, who admitted to many affairs and who described sex as a 'handshake'. His wife clearly knew but they remain married.

Sometimes affairs can make marriages better- a time to take stock and put right the underlying reasons for looking elsewhere. (Not my thoughts- it's well documented by psychologists and therapists.)

Sometimes, in a marriage, one partner is prepared to turn a blind eye to extra marital relationships because they want to keep the marriage going and are happy to tolerate an 'open marriage' without actually naming it as such. Someone in my family did this for years and years.

I think given we now live to our 80s and 90s, it's very tall order to stay with someone you met in your teens or twenties for 60 or 70 years. In those years people will meet other people who they like and feel might be a 'better match'. Couples drift apart, personalities change, pressure of children takes its toll.... it's very very hard to keep a relationship going for decades (compared with when life expectancy was more like 60-odd.)

I still think the original post is odd. Okay OP you may feel affairs are wrong. Who doesn't???? But at least try to understand why they happen. And avoid using words like scum and cunt for people who show human frailty. It doesn't help anyone using words like that.

PollytheDolly · 27/04/2017 08:44

PollyPerky

I think that just about sums it up.

danTDM · 27/04/2017 08:45

Perfectly put, Polly

corythatwas · 27/04/2017 08:53

Polly, there are three things this does not take into account:

  1. however much the relationship may have been doomed, evidence suggests that most cheated partners experience a substantial amount of extra pain from having been lied to

just as we feel hurt when our parents lie to us, or our children lie to us

  1. by confiding in a friend, as per the OP, the cheating partner expects somebody else to connive in that lie, and that is something most people find very painful

  2. children who become aware that one parent is lying to the other may develop permanent trust issues- if mum can lie, if dad can lie- how can I rely on anyone? (have seen a few cases of this)