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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think il never have sex again?!

111 replies

lifesjoys · 25/04/2017 17:04

Okay il admit it! I live my life on here.
Solely because I trust you all to give good & honest advice.

27 years old, have a 4 week old baby.
The birth was difficult near the end, needed a forceps delivery.

Ended with a haematoma, was also cut for the forceps.

TMI
Went to the gp to have my vagina checked out due to discharge (different colour than normal)

She decided to take swabs, used a speculum & omg the pain was horrendous! Not only did it hurt going in, it hurt whilst in & it also hurt higher up too.

Now I've had countless internals in the past & can say they haven't ever been uncomfortable let alone hurt!

I'm too tight now (I was sewn up tighter than I was previously, the consultant told me this), so that's added to the pain!

Is this it?? Is this the end of my sex life??!!

OP posts:
capercaillie · 25/04/2017 23:04

Early days - you're still recovering.
It may worth seeing you can get referred for pelvic floor physio. I took the offer up after DS birth - long labour, forceps and possible bladder distension. The physio was in 2 parts - a class on how to do pelvic floor exercises (room full of older women and some new mums - but mostly the former) and then an appointment with women's health physio - where she tested my pelvic floor strength. All fairly unpleasant at the time but v useful. Also reassuring that there was nothing major wrong. Since had another child - I tore that time but recovered better.

RyanStartedTheFire · 25/04/2017 23:05

What you mean??
She meant caesareans.

Junebugjr · 25/04/2017 23:05

4 weeks isn't a long time at all after birth. I suppose most women with tears would have felt pain with a speculum inserted.
I had a terrible time after my birth and ended up with nerve damage.
And also had to have another op to rectify things a year after.
I thought that was that for any sort of sex at all during the 2 years post birth. But gradually everything has gone back to normal. And Strangely PIV sex is now much more pleasurable than before I had children Confused

GinSwigmore · 25/04/2017 23:07

She means she is grateful she had c sections.

GinSwigmore · 25/04/2017 23:07

Sorry. Cross-post.

Original poster
lifesjoys · 25/04/2017 23:09

2 years??! Omg.

I understand I'm going to have to be patient but that's taking the biscuit.

I love my son & of course as grateful for him however I can't live the rest of my life like this.

I've ordered a pelvic floor toner as I felt I needed a wee & literally pissed myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifesjoys · 25/04/2017 23:10

Dementedma - I apologise for the rant!

I thought it was a "you should be grateful" post. I misread, sorry!

OP posts:
MrsChopper · 25/04/2017 23:11

It's still very early days, OP. Your body is still recovering. It will take time but you will get there. Most women don't feel like their 'old' self again until at least 12m postpartum. Your sex life is of course important but don't rush anything.

cantseemtohaveitall · 25/04/2017 23:16

It is very normal to piss yourself up to a few weeks after giving birth.
Also for it to sting when you wee (I used to pour a jug of water over when I went to the loo.)
But 4 weeks is really early days - I know it feels like things will be tough forever right now, but they really won't be - in a few months from now you'll look back on this time and be thankful you got through and out the other side!
(And by then you'll be on to a new phase of challenges and joys that come with bringing up baby..)

Original poster
lifesjoys · 25/04/2017 23:16

To be fair, Ive not thought about sex as in oh yeah I'd like to meet someone to have sex with. I guess I just want to choice.

OP posts:
LanaDReye · 25/04/2017 23:18

I don't even feel like a woman or even a person anymore it's bloody horrible

You are looking after a little alien - it screams regularly, can't smile and life is drudgery. There's no dressing it up. Newborns tear you up inside and out. Good news is that you will learn patience and determination and when it babbles and smiles at you in the future this won't seem so bad. If you started a new job you'd give yourself 6 months to settle.

Plus you've been through a physical assault so you need to give yourself longer to recover!

LanaDReye · 25/04/2017 23:20

Can you tell Im not keen on newborns? Grin

OP you have my sympathy they do get better!

GinSwigmore · 25/04/2017 23:22

Episiotomy and sink plunger birth here.
DC1 sex 6 weeks after. Huge mistake. It hurt.
Saw GP re potential scar tissue/hot spot. Took a while to settle and add to that, DP not wanting to hurt me/sleep deprivation/cosleeping/bf...all in all, I think it took at least eight months before libido back.
DC2 took 12 months before I wanted piv. (Sink plunger birth plus more PND).
DC3 took 18 months due to PTSD
So...
You probably will have penetrative sex again but it might take time. There are however other things you can do which are intimate and pleasurable while you mentally and physically recover.
Also...the obvious applies namely lots of lube, lots of time, patience, contraception sorted (if you really don't want any more) counselling etc
I'm sorry you had such an awful time of it. There are lots of us on here who will hold your hand Flowers

GinSwigmore · 25/04/2017 23:32

Good for you OP with your pelvic toner...the French are shit-hot with this (not sure I like the cultural reasons behind it: quick, get your vag back into shape before your partner gets a mistress) but they really seem to know what they are doing and the outcomes after 8 months are good.
m.perineeshop.com/s/13961_sondes-perineales

Blossomdeary · 25/04/2017 23:32

OP - it really will not be lifelong - please believe me and others who have been where you are now. The more downhearted you get, the worse it will be. Really, truly it will mend - not immediately, but over time. It is a very sensitive place and it hurts like hell to start with, but this really is not for life - it is for now.

Healing can be slow because there is a lot of "traffic" down there in the form of passing urine and opening your bowels.

Drink lots and make sure you keep your motions soft and friendly with diet or medication. Get a rubber ring to sit on; and sit in the bath whenever you can - or hose it down with the shower head.

Take painkillers when you need them.

Don't despair - this is the worst bit, but it passes.

After my first (forceps) I had a huge episiotomy with one of the stitches in a thrombosed pile and I thought I would never be the same ever again. But it all healed in time.

On a lighter note, my doctor OH was there when I was being sewn up by the consultant and they stood down the business end discussing exactly where the stitches should be placed - I protested loudly that I did not want a designer fanny tailored to OH's exact needs and would they please just get on with it!! Grin

Itsnotwhatitseems · 25/04/2017 23:35

This may give you some encouragement OP. I had a very large baby, difficult birth, forceps, stitches, painful internals (refused a smear afterwards as it hurt so much)...but 24 years on, sex feels great...(I cant remember when it stopped hurting, maybe about a year on but it did heal...I even went on to have another baby. seriously the human body heals well and as long as you relax and have a considerate lover when you initially restart your sex life, you will be fine, I'm sure x

Aldilogue · 26/04/2017 02:07

I feel for you OP because clearly you feel like crap but you will feel better in time.

As above poster says, your body did what it is designed to do. I used to sit on my knees in a shallow warm bath that had a cup of salt in. It is very soothing and you can feel the saltwater helping.

I'm amazed you are even thinking about sex, for me it wasn't something that crossed my mind. Hang in there.

OkPedro · 26/04/2017 02:20

I know you're suffering and worried lifesjoys but there's no need to rant at other posters

FWIW
I had an episiotomy after my dd 9 years ago. I honestly thought I'd never be comfortable again and that I'd never have sex again. You had a baby 4 weeks ago. Give your body time to heal.. My Mam told me it takes at least a year to recover from pregnancy and birth and that's if it's straight forward (My Mam had 8 children!)

Beansonapost · 26/04/2017 04:14

I never understand how women manage to have sex so soon after birth or even contemplate it.

This is my second... and I'm 4 weeks PP although it was a c-section. Someone in a group I am in had sex 10 days post c-section!!! Ridiculous I think!

It took me months with my first to even contemplate PIV... and I was the same age as you.

For me 4 weeks is a very short time... my wound is still tender and swollen. maybe due to the infection I had. Give yourself time to heal properly... it took roughly 40weeks and some hours to get to this stage... it will take time to get back to normal or as close to it as possible.

If it turns out something is really not right you can have it fixed...

Cutesbabasmummy · 26/04/2017 07:03

Op you sound very angry. If you are not happy with the care you had speak to PALS at the hospital. Re: pain- some women could do a run 2 hours after birth, I could only sit on a valley cushion for 3 weeks! Everyone is different but 4 weeks post natal really is very early. The newborn stage is very very hard. It gets better though. DS is now 2 and is lovely and fun x

Junebugjr · 26/04/2017 07:46

Sorry to frighten you with the 2 yrs OP!!
I had other issues which complicated everything - broken coccyx, nerve damage etc. But it all healed and went back to normal.
Am sure it will be more straight forward with u x

phoenix1973 · 26/04/2017 09:22

That's so early.
I didn't dtd for 4 years. I had a partner. It was a tough time and we nearly separated.
I've heard stories from midwives of people being caught dtd on the ward after giving birth. I just cannot imagine!
I thought the world had dropped out of my bottom and it hurt to sit and pee for 2 weeks. No way was I attempting sex. I bled for 12 weeks after then fell down the stairs then got my proper period.
No no no to sex at 4 weeks. 😮😮😮😮

SarcasmMode · 26/04/2017 10:53

Oh shit I just realised Crisp labia and Perineum!

user1493022461 · 26/04/2017 10:55

It's only 4 weeks, you need to chill out and wait and see.

JustSpeakSense · 26/04/2017 11:29

I didn't get the memo that said when you become a mother, you have to accept pain & suffering for the rest of your life & should be grateful for it.

Calm down dear, it's only been 4 weeks.

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