Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and Selfish?

42 replies

Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 13:14

My husband has recently indicated that he is not particularly interested in returning to work following redundancy last year. In the meantime he has undertaken some temporary work which now looks to have come to an end.

There is an offer on the table, which is pretty good, although it will require travel and being OOH which is the opposite to what he wants to do.

Instead he wants to set up a small business which should give a modest income once up and running, but not at our current level.

I am struggling with what I think about it all... I want him to be happy and being at home and seeing the children does that. But also I want to maintain a relatively decent lifestyle.

For some additional background I work full time and would happily be the main breadwinner without issue, doesn't bother me at all. My main concern is financial risk, I don't want to be skint! But I do want him to be happy.

He really wants to do it now, and I don't!

Any advice welcome Smile

OP posts:
user1491572121 · 25/04/2017 13:18

How skint would you be if he started the business? Would you be able to pay bills easily and have something left over for holidays etc?

How decent in your opinion is relatively decent?

What's your current or ideal lifestyle look like?

If him starting a business is going to make you poor....as in "can't pay the bills" then he is being unreasonable.

If him starting his business is just going to mean perhaps one holiday instead of two...or, fewer new things...then YABU.

Everone has a right to the kind of life they want within reason.

Original poster
Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 13:25

We would have to cut back significantly, we are in the fortunate position of currently overpaying the mortgage, which we would stop. Initially though I think we would be running at a defecit which we could shore up in the short term with savings.

Is my preference for a slightly more luxurios lifestyle (after years of being skint) petty in comparison to his desire to be at home more??

OP posts:
Original poster
Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 13:25
  • Luxurious
OP posts:
user1491572121 · 25/04/2017 13:35

How old are you both? It doesn't sound great now you put it like you have.

RiversrunWoodville · 25/04/2017 13:37

TBH I would be very wary I know it's important to be happy but what if a short term deficit became long term?

Beadoren · 25/04/2017 13:39

I think him being able to be around with the kids>overpaying the morgtgage. YABU you won't get this time back

BodyformForYou · 25/04/2017 13:49

In all honestly, I think your DH has got it completely right.

Material possessions are not where happiness comes from, you only need three meals a day, and overpaying on the mortgage is not happiness.

However I think it feels an unfair arrangement, he gets exactly what he wants, whilst you will be STUCK in full time employment and be the main breadwinner. No, this time rich lifestyle should benefit you both. But really, what will YOU get out of it? You will feel trapped in employment whilst he lives the life of riley

In conclusion I think it should be done, but in a more balanced way

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/04/2017 13:51

Are you (a) happy and (b) secure in your own employment? How much does he / will he actually help with household chores? Is there an option (c) which is a part way between his ideal job and the one on the table? How much certainty is there that his own business will provide anything and that he will actually have time for the children? Most people with businesses that I know are skint / run off feet.

usernamealreadytaken · 25/04/2017 13:56

Is this a reverse? DH is forced to work full time so DW can stay home and set up a little business which will only provide a modest income? Wouldn't we all be advising DW that she had the right to do this so long as the family had enough money to pay the mortgage, eat and not go in to debt? Seems very unequal to decry DH for wanting that. HOWEVER, the solution should be equitable rather than forced on either party either way around; that's the crux of the matter.

ImperialBlether · 25/04/2017 13:57

How old are you both?

Original poster
Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 14:02

Definitely not a reverse!

He is brilliant around the house and with the DC, they enjoy it too.

He's older than me, I have a secure and well paid job.

I just have this niggle that I want to embrace the financial freedom to travel and experience new places as a family, I'm not interested in buying more stuff. He's already done a lot of that, and I haven't, so we have different driving factors.

Very good point about the business actually enabling time at home, could we end up taking steps down financially and still have childminder bills etc??

OP posts:
Original poster
Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 14:03

I'm in my early thirties, he's late forties

OP posts:
user1491572121 · 25/04/2017 14:04

Yes, I work from home for myself and I don't really get much time to look after or spend with my children.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/04/2017 14:09

My dh took redundancy when ds was born premature - same week! It was very daunting financially. I went back to work and did more hours. Def not a lavish lifestyle but the whole family are happier. We still have holidays tho not flash (or by choice not abroad) Dc have a fantastic relationship and dh embraced domesticity! It works for us but I have no interest in material things /fashion so don't miss splurges!! The dc don't miss out on general dc stuff and we still have fun and a decent life!

peachgreen · 25/04/2017 14:15

I think this is a decision that can really only be made by looking at the facts together. He needs to do a full business plan, including projections for income and outgoings. He needs to identify the break-even point and you need to check that you have enough savings to supplement your income (and cover his business costs) to get you to that point (personally I'd want to ensure that I could get to that point + at least six months, just in case).

And then IF you both decide to go for it, you need to agree a point where you make the decision as a couple about whether or not to carry on. You need to have an exit plan in place that covers the costs of him potentially winding down the business and returning to work. After all, 60% of UK start-ups close within five years.

Basically, until he's done a full business plan and, ideally, got advice from an external party - good resources on the Great Business gov website - you can't make the decision. So get him to do that first!

mickeysminnie · 25/04/2017 14:16

Would he do the job for 6/12 months?
If he would, I would try to live off your salary and save all or as much of his salary as possible.
Then at least you have some breathing space if it isn't working out?

GrumbleBumble · 25/04/2017 14:17

How easy would it be for him to return to employment if his venture fails? Would he be able to take on part time or temp work if he had quiet time? Do you think his business has a reasonable chance of being successful or is it a pie in sky plan? If it has a fair chance of success and could top up income in quiet times and return to paid employment with relative ease then I think you should let him pursue his dream. Agree some targets and times frames so he has a length of time to try and if doesn't have a certain number of clients/ level of turn-over/ number of sales or whatever after a year / 18 months/2 years or whatever would be a reasonable period have an agreement that at stage it will time for him to walk away and return to being an employee. That way he can try to do he wants to do but you aren't faced with on going uncertainty.

averythinline · 25/04/2017 14:21

If it ends you dipping into savings then not really sustainable so if you have lots that you are doing nothing with then ok but otherwise no..

will it use all his redundancy payout?

does his business idea have a market does he have a business plan...? this maybe a good time for him to start a business but he would need to be business like about it for me ...not just a well i fancy a nurdle around teh garage/shed/study whatever thinking about my idea for a business..

you are all investing in this business so he should be able to present like at dragons den as either way money that goes into this is not going to other family needs....so you all need to be onside otherwise resentment will build up as you will be feeling financial pressure

timescales of likely returns etc and reviews so could say 6 months x income 9 months x income and if not then stop/change direction

theredjellybean · 25/04/2017 14:23

I think you need to be careful and think a lot and discuss how this would actually work. Setting up and running a new buisness may well take most of his time...how exactly will you split domestic chores /responsibilities ? he says he wishes to be with the dc more...how exactly does he intend to do both ?
I think i would be wary too...and worry i would get resentful
My exh took redundancy and ran his own consulting business for a while, he did not step up at home ( looking back probs fair, he was working ) and i had expected him to , as i worked fulltime ooh. However what got to me, was he would spend time doing things i felt were 'fun ' like going out running or walking dogs or took his kayak out ect etc during the day, and then worked in the evening, while i was struggling to get kids to bed etc....

when we discussed it, he suggested hes stopped work altogther...when i asked what he as going to do with his time, the list was all centred around his hobbies...no mention of doing laundry ot cooking etc etc....i said ' but darling exjellybean that is called retirement and i want to be retired too...so...'

if your dh desire is to run his own buisness i would always say go for it and would say you should support him in this, but i can see trouble if your dh thinks he will run a moderately successful buissness and run the home/spend time with children too.

Original poster
Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 14:24

He certainly will be able to do further temporary work, being out of the industry won't impact him for a few years.

I do want more of a buffer to fall back on and an actual plan, a serious and detailed plan!

I also want some time to relax without finance stress.

My suggestion is that we build the plan, maybe a 5 year plan which could look at changes for both of us, my career will hopefully have progressed by then also so we will have more money in the pot.

He's disappointed by my response, and I hate hearing that.

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 25/04/2017 14:24

and i think that i would certainly get a bit fed up at losing my nice lifestyle ..

theredjellybean · 25/04/2017 14:26

i know MN is very keen on it is time with dc and family that is more fulfilling and rewarding than having nice holidays or being able to travel etc...but i think a balance is necessary and i think enjoying a decent standard of living is nothing to be embarressed about.
Supporting our partners in their ambitions is important but not at the cost of all the things that make you happy too

RedDogsBeg · 25/04/2017 14:30

I would suggest taking the offer on the table now and adjust your spending to build up a fund to be used to help start the business and to cover all household bills for a minimum of two years after starting the business. Agree between you a definite, set in stone, date to start the business and then both work towards it.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 25/04/2017 14:37

My husband supported me in a change of career. It meant really tightening our belts for the 5 years of training and a lot of hard work from him too. We knew it could work and we had a projected return, based on realistic targets. Fortunately I've smashed them, but more to the point, there was a structure business plan for a projected return on investment. It stacked up, it was based on realsitic targets that were researched. Basically I did 'dragons den' for my husbands investment. If he wants you to invest, he needs to bid for it. Win you round.

RedDogsBeg · 25/04/2017 14:41

My last post crossed with your last post and having read it I don't think you are being selfish in the slightest, you are being very fair and sensible. Surely your dh can see the sense in planning, researching and building a safety net? If not, then I would question his business management skills.

The first couple of years of a new business are so tough both financially and time-wise, you all need to be prepared for it and to mitigate the impact as much as possible.