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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and Selfish?

42 replies

Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 13:14

My husband has recently indicated that he is not particularly interested in returning to work following redundancy last year. In the meantime he has undertaken some temporary work which now looks to have come to an end.

There is an offer on the table, which is pretty good, although it will require travel and being OOH which is the opposite to what he wants to do.

Instead he wants to set up a small business which should give a modest income once up and running, but not at our current level.

I am struggling with what I think about it all... I want him to be happy and being at home and seeing the children does that. But also I want to maintain a relatively decent lifestyle.

For some additional background I work full time and would happily be the main breadwinner without issue, doesn't bother me at all. My main concern is financial risk, I don't want to be skint! But I do want him to be happy.

He really wants to do it now, and I don't!

Any advice welcome

OP posts:

innagazing · 25/04/2017 14:45

Your five year plan seems to be a good one- it'll allow you both to build up a nest egg in the event of hard times when self employed, as well as give you both time to adjust to a lower household income.

WizzardHat · 25/04/2017 14:46

It's really easy to get carried away by an idea - but if he has a solid, realistic business plan, it would be better. Is it teh sort of thing he could build up part time while he earns full time? How committed is he, and how realistic is the business?

witsender · 25/04/2017 14:54

There is a balance. Could you suggest a year of hard earning to shore up the savings? So live tight for a year, and save every penny of one of your salaries towards set up costs for something else?

MovingtoParadise · 25/04/2017 14:54

That's a really massive age gap right now. You are both at really different stages, he wants to semi retire and you're amping up your career after taking maternity leaves.

I think you're both going to need to compromise, him more than you - you already seem pretty flexible.

It sounds like he wants it his own way and only his way.

user1491572121 · 25/04/2017 14:59

Paradise I disagree that it's a massive age gap. And him wanting to take partial retirement in his late 40s is frankly ridiculous when he's obvioulsy not able to financially.

I'm 44 and DH is 43 and we're nowhere near to thinking of that...nor should any fit man in his 40s unless he's loaded or single without kids!

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/04/2017 14:59

I don't think you are being selfish. Sounds like he wants to "wind down"/ fulfill a dream at the expense of you having any option other than full time work.
If you would like to reduce hours/ be around more too/not make financial sacrifices then you both need to find a fair compromise- which might mean squirrelling away cash for longer so you are in a better position? Or he could build his business slowly while still working temp jobs too?

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/04/2017 15:01

Could you, say, aim to be mortgage free in 'x' years and at that point he sets up his business (having put redundancy payment aside for that purpose?)

Jaxhog · 25/04/2017 15:07

If the ££ would work, why not agree to try it for a year?

Dee213 · 25/04/2017 15:08

I don't think you're being selfish or unreasonable - I understand how expectations can be different with a fairly significant age gap.

However, having always been a planner, too scared to take risks of any kind, life has thrown a curve ball where no amount of planning could have countered it. I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, my husband - main breadwinner - six months ago, no idea what the future holds, but then who does? Just wanted to make the point that life is too short to be miserable, especially if one of you is unhappy with work, and the making happy memories to look back won't be counted by the cost involved & who earned what. I really hope you can find a middle ground, make the most of every day, good, bad or indifferent, and count your blessings.

Stormtreader · 25/04/2017 15:08

I'd be a bit concerned that hes had some time off, then a period of part-time work, and has decided that having his own "little business" is a good way of continuing to potter about the house while you are grafting to make up the shortfall. If its going to work though, hes going to have to really work HARD in the early days.

Definately get a proper business plan set up so you know youre both looking at the reality and not the cozy vague daydream.

Jaxhog · 25/04/2017 15:09

btw, late 40s is hardly semi-retirement age!!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/04/2017 15:15

I am disappointed when I hear I haven't won the lottery, it doesn't mean it's my right to win the lottery. The same with your DH. He's disappointed, but it's not your fault. He has a young family & needs to build up security for it, not semi retire in his 40's. You haven't said 'No, you have to work 60 hours a week for the next 30 years'. You have said that you need to PLAN for this, not just launch into it. He's being selfish. His disappointment us his own doing, it's not your fault he's being so short sighted.

gillybeanz · 25/04/2017 15:18

I would go for the business, there's more to life than money, but I don't mind being frugal and don't particularly want to travel.

I think it would be selfish to stop him and surely you'd save on cc and other outgoings whilst he works from home.

gillybeanz · 25/04/2017 15:20

We did something similar and whilst we don't have a lot of money we have very few outgoings and a far better disposable income than our friends who both work ft, pay childcare and have big mortgages.

It depends on whether you're the type to go for it or want security and the safe way.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/04/2017 15:23

Having read the thread I'd say go for the job (or at least A job, rather thsn the business), at least in the short term. Travel is A-mazing and it is unfair that he has managed this while you have missed out.

Original poster

Fiduciaryfandango · 25/04/2017 15:31

Great range of responses, thanks to all of you.

Definitely needs more consideration and discussion.

It's unusual in that I am usually the more spontaneous one, I think he's so set on not going back to the corporate treadmill that the balance had changed.

The travel is important to me, especially now the DC are getting older and we can travel further afield.

OP posts:

tabbymog · 25/04/2017 15:46

What peachgreen said. I've run my own business successfully, now sold it and retired, and all this is absolutely 100% necessary.

A small business - I was a one-horse operation, a freelance typographer and typesetter - could mean him working 70 or 80 hours a week, billing clients, doing admin, book keeping, often at 2 or 3.am, and you coming home after a hard day's work and cooking the evening meal. Investigate what resources are available locally for you to find out from people actually doing it, what being self-employed means for them. Publishing isn't well paid so other choices might not involve the commitment I had to make to keep doing what I loved.

Being successfully self-employed is a huge achievement and unbelievably satisfying, but it can be harder work than being an employee. It sounds like he's ready to go for it, I wish you both all the best.

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