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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that there are not many happy couples out there

137 replies

helpmesusan · 24/04/2017 23:20

Just that really.

I am not in a good place with my DP right now, and everybody I speak to seems to be the same.

I always said I wouldn't be part of a couple who spent their times niggling and fighting in supermarket car parks - not only do I feel like we have turned in to that, but I haven't spoken to anybody in AGES who tells me their relationship is any different.

Please tell me IABU and there ARE happy couples out there?

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 25/04/2017 12:00

Me and dp are happy! Since being with him I've been completely baffled as to how to join in with conversations about relationships - there's never anything to report. I could talk for hours about my miserable marriage, but there is literally nothing to say about me and dp.

"Everything good with you and Billy-Bob?"

"Yep, all great."

Conversation over!

EddieHitler · 25/04/2017 12:00

YABU, there are lots of happy couples out there. It's our 20th anniversary this year and I'd say we're happy, as are most of our friends who have been together a similar length of time.

We do argue and bicker (often in supermarket car parks!) but it blows over quickly and most of the time we're best friends. He makes me laugh, I still fancy him, which I think helps, and I like spending time with him. I sometimes miss him when he's at work, that's quite sad isn't it.

Relationships ebb and flow and if you expect constant hearts and flowers, with no shit bits, then your expectations are too high. Find out what's going on and see if you can work through it.

lazycrazyhazy · 25/04/2017 12:15

We have been together over 40 years and have had ups and downs (having a bit of one of them at the moment) but we always work it through and come back stronger.

SpookyPotato · 25/04/2017 12:20

Eppxy I'm the same, never been able to moan about anything and would hate to. I think it oils the wheels in many female friendships and I've never been able to contribute.. my mum and her best friends bond is based on it Grin

Huskylover1 · 25/04/2017 12:22

We are very happy. Been together 9 years this year, and I love him very much indeed. Yeah we argue sometimes, but who doesn't? I still think he's the best looking guy I've ever seen. He had a haircut yesterday and sent me a photo (from work) and I did a little swoon. Me thinks he knows what he's doing, lol...he works in uniform and he knows how much I fancy him in it, lol.

Maybe your relationship has run it's course? How would you feel if he got sent away with work, for say 4 weeks? If you'd be relieved, I'd say that's a good indicator that things are needong to be over.

BarryKwipkee · 25/04/2017 12:25

I think a couple is a more successful economic unit, so therefore a lot of couples enjoy some benefits for being together rather than apart which may contribute to some additional happiness, better lifestyle. I think by the time you get to your mid forties and beyond a lot of unhappy couples have already split. I look around my friends' marriages and I think about a third of them are utterly joyless and I do think if people were braver and richer they'd split.

Sleepdeprivedredhead · 25/04/2017 12:25

I'm not happy after something that happened last night. It is frustrating that I now wont see husband for a few nights. But. Basically I am happy. We haven't had any sort of row so far since being a couple. But we're quite laid back generally.
Hopefully after we talk through last night I'll be back to happy rather than ok.

NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 25/04/2017 12:28

DH and I are very happy.
We set the alarm ten minutes early every morning (even if one of us is getting up at 4am!) so we can make sure to have ten minutes wrapped up in each other and cuddling (normally just a cuddle, sex is usually for evening) before we have to face the world.
He never fails to put a smile on my face after 6 and a half years together and I hope we always stay this happy.

confusedofengland · 25/04/2017 12:43

DH & I have been together 17 years Shock & he's my first ever proper relationship (he had 1 before me).

We are very happy together. We are best friends, we make each other laugh so much. We work well together with our DC. We have a great physical relationship (better the longer we're together as we're comfortable & confident with each other). We do bicker sometimes but it's never anything major. I feel lucky.

GrapesAreMyJam · 25/04/2017 12:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JustSpeakSense · 25/04/2017 12:43

It can seem that most relationships are unhappy, because those who are pouring their hearts out / ranting / asking for advice are the unhappy ones.

The relationships happily chugging along do so unnoticed.

I am one of those chugging, married 17 years, we've had some good and some bad, sometimes we bicker and annoy each other. But at the end of the day he is my rock & my teammate.

jimijack · 25/04/2017 12:46

17 years happily married here.

treaclesoda · 25/04/2017 12:48

I've been with my husband for 23 years, married for 18. It's not all love and romance and that fluttery feeling in the stomach that we had when we were 18 but we're happy. I think the bottom line is that we actually like each other. We are kind to one another, we don't bicker or sulk or anything, we think of each other as well as ourselves. Most of my friends and family have similar relationships. It doesn't mean that they don't annoy each other, or have rough patches, but by and large they are a team. I don't really believe in the whole theory that relationships are hard work. Yes, they have periods that are difficult, but if it is really hard work even in the good times then I think that something is fundamentally not right.

upperlimit · 25/04/2017 13:11

Also, it might be that, if a friend was complaining about how awful his/her relationship was going, I'd be a dick to sit their and tell him/ her about how wonderful our relationship was. I might just sit there and listen or I might say, "yeah we had that for a while" if it were true.

I suppose that friend would walk away from that situation thinking that we were just as unhappy as they are but that wouldn't be accurate. It's just that it feels as though you should meet their tone in the conversation. Maybe that's just me?

nigelforgotthepassword · 25/04/2017 13:11

Going against the grain id say it's about half and half with all the couples I know, happy vs unhappy.

Some people are hugely happy, despite niggles and the usual ebb and flow of marriage.Others in my group are in very toxic relationships and should spilt up really before irrevocable damage is done-but they don't due to lifestyle etc...So they just go on bitching at and about each other and being better off financially but miserable otherwise.

Threes3 · 25/04/2017 13:17

I think you can only answer for yourself properly. Assuming spouse is happy because they appear happy may be a misjudgement. I say that as my wife is happy (so she says) and I'm not. She doesn't know this yet. It's not an easy subject to bring up. If you asked her, she would say I am happy.

justonesherryformedicinalpurpo · 25/04/2017 13:20

I think people tend to talk about the bad and not so much the good tbh.

My friend and I talk about both now. However, if she was criticising her DP, depending on what exactly it is, I can normally relate and we talk about that. And vice versa. So perhaps the people you talk to are generally happy in their relationship but are just "relating" to you.

I hope things work out for you and they will if you both want it to and make the effort. I pick my fights (similar to how I am with DC!) and it definitely helps.

NavyandWhite · 25/04/2017 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saturdaysaturday · 25/04/2017 13:26

I adore my husband.

We bicker a lot and argue properly occasionally.

I still get excited about going home and spending the evening with him.

But most couples argue, maybe that's just what you're hearing from friends.

Middleagedmumoftwo · 25/04/2017 13:37

We are happy after 30 years together, but have certainly had our ups and downs. I can honestly say the worst times were when the kids were young, he worked long hours and resented me being at home, and I resented him having a career. When you have a young family everything is focussed on them and it's easy to lose sight of each other, and we actually came close to breaking up a couple of times. I think you have to be pretty determined to stick it out through the stressful times and the kids grow older it becomes very important to find some hobbies in common so you're not both off "doing your own thing" all the time (although time for yourself is also important). Anyway I for one am glad we chose to stick it out through the ups and downs...and if I'd asked the advice of MN during some of the downs I'm pretty sure plenty would've said LTB! 😂

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 25/04/2017 13:41

We've lived together 15 years and are making good progress through the young children stage. Life is pleasantly stable and unremarkable. We still enjoy each other's company even if we're at the happy mutual silence on the sofa stage of the relationship as we're talked out by the DCs!

Ultimately we like each other and treat each with respect. We have space to be ourselves which means we bring more in to the relationship which stops stagnation.

There's not really much else to say. Certainly nothing to start my own thread about, and nothing greatly romantic to show off about either.

Out of the weddings I've been to, the marriages that I had doubts about tended to crumble within 3 years. I can think of one where I initially thought that the prognosis was good but struggled after a few years, partly due to a lot of external stresses. Most people I know seem to have been together 10+ years and seem to be in healthy relationships even if it's not all romantic glory.

LittleMissCrazyMama · 25/04/2017 14:07

Recently ended my relationship with my children's father. We were together for 5 years. My eldest is almost 5. I was planning to leave him when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest. I've spent 5 years being extremely miserable tbh. He brings out the worst in me. I just tolerated him for my children's safety/sake. We tried couples counselling. I reached my limit and ended it for good. Think he thought I'd change my mind, but absolutely no way. Best decision I've ever made. I want to kick myself for wasting my time being with him. I deserve better. Much better.

Easytobuild · 25/04/2017 14:09

LemonSqueezy0 Post on the first page this is exactly how I feel. Previous relationships Absolutely soul destroying and a waste of my life. My current relationship is the complete opposite.

In a happy relationship here, both good communicators, we are often on the same page so to speak and express our feelings to one another well, have lots of shared interests as well as our own. We rarely have arguments but we do bicker from time to time, we talk it through rather than brush it under the carpet. We have a similar sex drive to one another, I've been on the opposite ends of this in past relationships and in both circumstances it can be a really demoralising position to be in. I feel like I can talk to him about anything, things that were most defiantly lacking in my previous relationships. We both have children from previous relationships.

We never truly really know what goes on behind closed doors in someone relationship and most of the time we only hear one side of the story and it's not always enough to get the full picture. Some couples come across really happy but behind closed doors can be desperately unhappy,
some couples are genuinely happy but you might not hear much about it because they are happily getting on with life. It's only when theres a problem perhaps do you hear about it, the same is often seen then it comes when it comes to bad service vs good service.

Mammylamb · 25/04/2017 14:57

Been with dh 14 years and married 10 of those. Still v happy. But you will occasionally hear us bicker!

Wedrine4me · 25/04/2017 23:37

There are healthy and unhealthy ways to argue.

You can work together to come to a conclusion in a respectful way, empathising with each other but giving reasons for your own point of view.
Or
You can personally attack each other and say cruel things, bringing up other/old issues that hurt each other and stay with you for a long time, influencing further behaviour.

So as most of our disagreements are resolved in a respectful way I think this contributes to our happier marriage.

It's also about being realistic. If you are always in pursuit of that wonderful initial feeling of being in love, then you are going to be disappointed sooner or later. Ditto if you thrive on drama.