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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that there are not many happy couples out there

137 replies

helpmesusan · 24/04/2017 23:20

Just that really.

I am not in a good place with my DP right now, and everybody I speak to seems to be the same.

I always said I wouldn't be part of a couple who spent their times niggling and fighting in supermarket car parks - not only do I feel like we have turned in to that, but I haven't spoken to anybody in AGES who tells me their relationship is any different.

Please tell me IABU and there ARE happy couples out there?

OP posts:
Seren85 · 25/04/2017 01:52

I don't know why this resonates but at circa age 10 I heard my parents arguing about how we'd gone on holiday so they could sort shit out but nothing had changed. I was always terrified of my parents who remain sickeningly happy splitting up and when mentioned to my Mum she didn't even recall the argument (I believe her, she's not actress). Can only assume it was young kids stress and the 80s interest rates with my Dad working in manufacturing.

Seren85 · 25/04/2017 01:53

Terrified of my parents splitting up^

swimmerforlife · 25/04/2017 02:18

Been with DH for 12 years (married 6), I love him death and we have had so many good times together.

However things are quite strained currently, we come from two different backgrounds (I grew up with a single mum on an estate and he comes from a wealthy middle class family) and as a result we have completely different parenting views and expectations. Not to mention the general struggles that come with raising two young children (DS1 is 4 and DS2 18 months)

We try to work them out and compromise but DH is very black and white so it is hard. I'm not far off from leaving tbh...

Pallisers · 25/04/2017 02:43

I'm always amazed at how awful some posters relationships are on Mumsnet but I guess it's generally the posters that are unhappy who post. I often wonder why people stay in unhappy relationships. I know it can be really difficult to leave but you only live once and why would stay with someone you don't like. Life isn't meant to be that difficult.

This this this. I do sometimes read posts and think that people have an acceptance of difficulty and angst and even outright misery in their primary relationships.

Life itself is hard enough - you have to work, figure things out, hope for the best, meet adversity, deal with loss but the relationships we chose to have (as opposed to the ones we have to have - like rearing children or maybe minding elderly parents) should be joyful and lovely and kind.

bananafish81 · 25/04/2017 07:12

DH and I are very happy together. Been together 14 years, since I was 21

We're not happy in life because we've been having a shit few years with loss of parents / chronic illness / infertility / miscarriages / surgeries / and now accepting that we can't have children. Oh and recent cancer investigations.

But we are closer than ever, and we know that even though we're going through hell, and couldn't say we're happy overall, we're walking a shitty path together as a team - and with a huge amount of love and affection.

Babbaganush · 25/04/2017 08:09

Been together 13 years, 2 dc 11 / 9 youngest has severe learning difficulties and autism. We are happy but I there have been tough times to get through that do strain a relationship. Trying to keep your sense of humour and keeping things in perspective helps, having a child with special needs can be stressful on a marriage but we are fortunate that we have supportive family who are happy to look after dc overnight so that we can get a night away here and there to recharge and have some special time together.
My previous marriage of 16 years was a different matter, I now realise how emotionally abusive he was, I wish mumsnet had been around then!!! I was constantly walking on eggshells as his mood would turn from happy and laughing to cold and abusive in a flash at some perceived slight!

upperlimit · 25/04/2017 08:20

We have small kids and run a business together and we are in the middle of moving house. If you'd have seen us in the car park yesterday you'd probably lump us in with the miserably married crowd Grin. But we pull ourselves together fairly quickly when we do get bent out of shape, we might not be picture perfect all the time but we like each other enough not to let that get in the way.

corythatwas · 25/04/2017 08:26

When you are unhappy you see unhappiness. When you are diagnosed with cancer, the world suddenly seems full of cancer sufferers. When your child becomes disabled, the world is full of disabled children. It doesn't mean they weren't there before; but suddenly you are in tune with them.

I hope things get better for you, OP, one way or another.

Dh and I are very happy as are most couples in my extended family.

TwatteryFlowers · 25/04/2017 09:52

I think you gravitate towards people who are in a similar situation to you and are more aware of things related to yourself when you see it in other people, a bit like when you get a new car and suddenly see that make and model of car everywhere.

Dh and I are fairly happy I think but we are under quite a lot of stress at the moment due to having no money, mounting debts, a toxic atmosphere at his place of work which is causing him to be depressed, two fairly young and boisterous dc and my lack of sex drive. When our situation changes and our finances get back on track (hopefully there's light ahead but it's at the end of a very long and dark tunnel) we'll be more relaxed and so feel a bit closer again.

thelikelylass · 25/04/2017 10:00

I only know one genuinely happy married couple and they are in their 80's. Other married couples I know around my age group (40's) are mostly in the early or late stages of splitting up and cannot think of anyone who is together happily. That's a bit of a shock.There are one or two unmarried couples I know who seem happy enought but they are second time around couples.
A couple I thought would be together forever and were perfect recenly announce their split - textbook, him, another woman.

UppityHumpty · 25/04/2017 10:00

Happiness like love isn't a state of being, it's a choice. And it's not big choices either - It's letting arguments go because you don't want to hurt your partner. It's leaving the dishes for the morning so you have more time to snuggle up. It's choosing to talk about your feelings to your partner instead of yelling at them. It's about being honest when the writing's on the wall and doing something to change things. When you stop choosing to be happy you won't be.

RabidLimboMum · 25/04/2017 10:09

Me and my Dh are also happy. We don't tend to argue tbh although we do occasionally annoy each other and bicker but usually end up laughing about it.

Pinkheart5915 · 25/04/2017 10:09

Me & dh are happy, Togther 15 years. I love him just as much now as I ever have.

We've had tough times like when our first baby was stillborn it was so painful for us Both but he always supported and looked after me I don't think I would still be here if it wasn't for him. Then dh father died which as they were very close dh did struggle with. We've always supported each other no matter what

It's rare for us to argue I can count on 1 hand the amount of arguments we've had in the last 15 years.

Sex is good

We've no money worry stress or similar

The last few years have just be the happiest we've had our 2 babies just 11 months apart and I wouldn't say having dc has added any stress to our relationship, we are both relaxed people and don't get worked up about a great deal.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 25/04/2017 10:12

Maybe we just settle for the status quo. If you're not actively unhappy or the subject of DV, or some other type of abusive behaviour, perhaps just put up with the irritants.

Patienceisvirtuous · 25/04/2017 10:14

We bicker, and have the odd row - goes with the territory of sharing a life with someone I think? - but we are really happy. Just thinking about DH and how lovely he is makes my heart sing :)

(I had to wade through 4 total gits before meeting him at 34yo).

justwait · 25/04/2017 10:17

I've been with my dh for 25 years. I can't imagine being with anyone else. He makes me laugh. In fact I torture myself with how awful life would be without him. We aren't sickly though and he's crap as far as buying gifts and saying I love you, but then I hate too much fuss so we suit each other

usernotfound0000 · 25/04/2017 10:20

We certainly have our moments, but overall we are happy. I would say when the bad days start to outnumber the good, it is time for something to change.

peachgreen · 25/04/2017 10:21

DH and I are blissfully happy, despite having been through a LOT in the past few years (moving countries, new jobs, redundancy, illness, money troubles, house purchase falling through, miscarriage, struggling to conceive etc etc). When we got married we made a promise to make being kind to each other our first priority. It sounds cheesy but it makes a difference. Even when we're frustrated or angry, we don't ever snap at each other. We talk to each other with respect and compassion. In any dispute, we have the same shared priority - not to win, but to resolve it in a way that strengthens our marriage. We're a team.

I've no doubt our marriage will face further tests, not least having children, and neither of us are that great when tired and under stress so it will be a real challenge! But I know that we'll still be happy together. He's my best friend and the best person I've ever met and I'm still blissfully happy every time I see him, hear from him or think about him. Sometimes I still wake up in the night and get butterflies when I remember that I actually got to marry him!

Spudlet · 25/04/2017 10:21

Generally happy here. We bicker a bit sometimes about little things but we rarely have proper arguments and when we do, we talk them over afterwards and sort it out. Having a young child and only one income can be tough but we make it work.

Ultimately, he's my rock and I'm his. He is currently having to go through the loss of his mum, who probably only has a few days left to live (if that). He says having me and DS to come home to makes him know it will be ok in the end.

People tend to post because they're unhappy so don't take a forum as a true reflection of what's normal!

Bumpsadaisie · 25/04/2017 10:21

I'm happy with my DH. I mean it's not perfect - we irritate each other, get grumpy, he would like more sex and affection, I would like him to be a more involved dad, but bottom line he's my best friend and the person I can be my whole self with.

skerrywind · 25/04/2017 10:26

I think you are right OP.

After all most have us have had a number of relationships- and most of them haven't worked out.

However I am in a happy place with OH.
Been together 20 years- it's not all ribbons and roses, but we have tolerance, acceptance, mutual respect a healthy distance, closeness, and trust.
We are both in our 50s though I have had more than my share of relationship dramas when I was younger. I feel our maturity helps us feel more at ease and accepting of what we have,
I would say we are very happy.

user1492528619 · 25/04/2017 10:28

DP and I go through bouts of arguments where we could rip our hair out, arguing over the pettiest of things.

The other time we are the happiest we have ever been with one another and don't even bicker for weeks/months on end. It's just life, you argue with your partner as you argue with your family growing up. Doesn't mean you love them any less.

I wouldn't change him for the world aside from his aversion to laundry You're doing fine OP, it's just a rough spell.

CassandraAusten · 25/04/2017 10:28

DH and I are happy. I'd say most of our our friends (typically in their early 40s with primary age kids) are happy too, although of course you never really know about other people's relationships.

KentMum2008 · 25/04/2017 10:29

DP (soon to be DH) and I are very happy, but our lives aren't without problems. We have the occasional bicker (usually to do with my complete lack of organisation) but we won't go to bed cross with each other. I left a very abusive relationship 5 years ago, and it's only since being with DP that I've realised just how fulfilling and quite honestly joyful a good relationship is. I have 2 children from my previous relationship, and of course they're a source of stress (DD is 10 and has just developed the mother of all attitudes) but in general everything is good.
I know it's a cliche, but communication really is the most important thing. If I need half an hour to myself after a lousy day at work, I tell DP this, and he will sort dinner while I get in the bath, or go to the gym or have a sneaky gin and a fag in the garden!

We were talking about wedding plans the other day, and about if we could only invite one friend who we would choose. DP quite casually said "I don't know really, you're my best friend" and I realised he's my best friend too. I know it's cringey and gross and far too mushy, and you're welcome to vom at that 🙈. But good relationships, and true true love do still exist. And you can get that back, even after a difficult time.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 25/04/2017 10:29

We argue sometimes and not always the best communicators, but ultimately we are happy.
Relationships take work, and both people need to be willing to put in the effort. It's not all rainbows and unicorns for anyone.

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