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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that there are not many happy couples out there

137 replies

helpmesusan · 24/04/2017 23:20

Just that really.

I am not in a good place with my DP right now, and everybody I speak to seems to be the same.

I always said I wouldn't be part of a couple who spent their times niggling and fighting in supermarket car parks - not only do I feel like we have turned in to that, but I haven't spoken to anybody in AGES who tells me their relationship is any different.

Please tell me IABU and there ARE happy couples out there?

OP posts:

BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi · 25/04/2017 10:32

Op you cant really judge on here though people come to air grievances or get help with horrid situations, your not going to start a thread about your happy marriage. Liek the Mil threads, people are in hard situations and need to vent and /or get help.

We are I think happy!! I dearly love DH and most days look at him at inwardly sigh at his beauty ,my heart melts on a regular basis when I see him with our DC, and apart from small niggles I think we are OK! But once I mentioned on here we have a flash point over the dishwasher...Posters came on to say they never ever argued or had areas where they had a cross word.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 25/04/2017 10:33

Very happy here. Known each other nearly 9 years, properly together nearly 6, married nearly 3. We're currently in the young kids stage (4yo and 9mo and hopefully one more at some point). Of course we bicker sometimes, but despite both being permanently knackered and so busy we hardly see each other some weeks, we are still very much in love. We're good at being kind to and appreciating each other. And we work really well together - we are opposites in many ways, so we balance each other really well. He's my best friend; I wouldn't want to ever be without him.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 25/04/2017 10:45

(slowly raises hand) I consider us to be a happy couple... both work FT, have a DD (2) and another DD due in June. We still make eachother laugh every day and never run out of things to talk about. We're kind to eachother, and considerate of eachothers needs. I feel loved. That's enough for me :)

BigFatHairyOrangutan · 25/04/2017 10:47

30 years and still going strong, we have had bad and good times, thats life but we have a laugh most days, think that is important.

SnoozeTime · 25/04/2017 10:51

We are very happy 17 years on. We argue the odd time but not often. We know a few couples who have separated and the rest appear to be reasonably happy

mumontherun14 · 25/04/2017 10:52

We have been married 15 years this year and are happy. We have had our ups and downs and tough times. Mainly due to family illnesses or finances but are coming out of the other side of it now and I think that caused a lot of stress on both of us which made us tired and snappy and prone to argue more. I love him to bits, he is my best friend and would do anything for me and me for him. We have 2 DC and we like nothing better than doing stuff together as a family like holidays, camping trips etc. We don't have a huge amount of family support (my mum is really ill) but are now managing to get a bit more time together on our own as the kids are getting older and often are out with friends. We have a wee dog and we go out as often as we can walking together and get a good long chat on our own. We can be very different at times in our opinions and I definitley feel he needs to listen more sometimes but we are a good team together I think. We can often argue but when I calmly and clearly make my point and don't budge - he always listens to me. He is more prone to rush into things and make quick decisions wheras I would rather discuss things first. Hope that helps OP - maybe sit down and talk to him on your own with no distractions and see if you can both air your frustrations and see what you can do to make things better xxx

SnoozeTime · 25/04/2017 10:56

Sadly, our friends who separated had the writing on the wall before they ever got married. They ignored all the red flags. They drove on - had children and got married. In most of those relationships, it is the children who bore the brunt of the fallout.

BadTasteFlump · 25/04/2017 10:58

Just want to add another happy marriage to the list

Been married nearly 18 years. He is my best friend and I trust him 100%. And I still fancy him - there's always been a big spark there which is really important I think.

I consider myself very lucky, in part, but I also made a very careful choice before getting into a serious relationship after making some bad decisions in the past.

I do have plenty of friends in good relationships - but they tend to keep quiet about it in RL (as I do - I don't go round telling everybody how happy I am because I never feel the need to!). Maybe it's only when people are unhappy that they feel the need to talk about it?

Having said that, I have relatives who seem to love getting together to slate their husbands. I usually just zone out of the conversation, but if they try to draw me in, I refuse to agree with them and make a point of saying my DH is lovely - and that it's not a 'man' thing. It's a real bug bear with me actually - some of these women have sons, and they don't seem to realise when they start slating 'men' they're also including them

Thirdload · 25/04/2017 11:06

We're happy/content. We have small children which can cause a strain (lack of sleep mainly!) but we're on the same page that it will get easier again.

We still find time to laugh, and both do kind things for eachother. I think of these whenever he annoys me and remind myself that he cares about me a lot.
Likewise I sometimes realise I've done something annoying and make amends and try to learn from it. We both do this really.

Someone mentioned presuming the best about your partners intentions, and cutting some slack over the little things, I think that's really important.

PhyllisNights · 25/04/2017 11:08

I'm very happy. I can't see myself being with anyone else.

I do look at my friends relationships and marriages, wondering if they're that happy. They seem to moan a lot more about their husbands/partners than I ever do about mine.

ThighBrows · 25/04/2017 11:09

There are plenty of people who have chosen decent people to be with but OP it's not possible to be in a good relationship with someone who is controlling and angry. It's unacceptable. It just means the relationship is a farce, it's abuser and victim rather than equals who cherish each other, and the tedious cycle of abuse-walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst etc.

muffinbluffer · 25/04/2017 11:11

This is a lovely thread...and quite revelatory to me because I have realised how I assume most people are miserable in relationships...I think this is because my parents' relationship was just a seething cauldron of resentment and jealousy and passive aggressive misery where each one was expected to fulfil all the other's unmet needs...

my mother also had a deep hatred of men due to her childhood, would tell my friends at school all men were potential rapists....she would accuse (in private to me) many of the men in her group of acquaintances of being abusive or controlling to their wives so I just assumed every woman lived in misery...I was indoctrinated to believe all men were pretty evil and abuse in my own childhood (which my mother knew about and did nothing to stop) only confirmed this....but at the same time there was never any real drive to change things from my parents' point of view...they were locked in this weird co-dependent trap which was normalised at every turn...

thanks to all those who have given a really positive view of not just how relationships can be but also how men can be as even though I have had and continue to have years of therapy this stuff stays with me.....I have never really been in a relationship as men still scare me (and I have a lot of health problems due to my childhood).....

ToastDemon · 25/04/2017 11:14

DH and I are very happy together after almost a decade. We rarely argue, and if we do we never shout or swear or say anything hurtful or disrespectful.
Every difficult thing that has happened to me since being with him - bereavement, redundancy - he has made easier to bear.
He's my best friend and favourite person in the whole world, we laugh a lot, we hold hands, he gives the best hugs ever.

paddlingwhenishouldbeworking · 25/04/2017 11:18

We're very happy. The years of small children were very hard and I wouldn't have necessarily given the same answer then but we'd been together 10 years before DCs so didn't give up when we may have felt like it!

You might still see us bickering in a car park though.

Fruitcocktail6 · 25/04/2017 11:22

We're happy! In a very nauseating, lovey dovey way. We try not to be like that in front of other people though.

drspouse · 25/04/2017 11:22

We argue (but we are just about to move house and everyone's on edge!) but we are happy. Can't imagine life without him!

Happyhippy45 · 25/04/2017 11:23

We've been together for about 25 years. (Were friends first.)
Had our ups and downs. Small children stage was the most difficult.
Our kids are young adults now, so we are kind of returning to just being a couple again. We still argue sometimes but I think now that we are older we kind of step back from getting sucked into a big emotional conflict and sort it out without it getting too heated.
I think we might be adults now!

Florida28 · 25/04/2017 11:33

Together 13 years, married 3 had our fair share of ups & downs Been by each others side through thick & thin. Rarely argue, had about 5 in 13 years and all down to 3rd parties over stepping the mark. Without getting too mushy, he's my best friend and we have the greatest laughs. I think happiness is down to the individual couple though.

DramaAlpaca · 25/04/2017 11:36

We're happy, married nearly 27 years, started out as friends. We get along great, rarely argue and are still each other's best friend. I'd say we are in it for the long haul at this stage

DH's parents were blissfully happy for 50 years, until MIL died. DH doesn't remember them ever even arguing.

My parents, on the other hand, have been married for getting on for 60 years and they fight so much I haven't a clue how they've managed to stay together that long. At times I think they actually can't stand each other. I find it really sad.

SpookyPotato · 25/04/2017 11:37

10 years in and we are closer than ever despite two little ones. We definitely argue more since kids but it's maybe 2 a week and they don't last long, we usually laugh about it soon after. I think our relationship works well because he's my best friend, not some romantic fantasy who would always make me feel insecure. He never gives me anything to worry about, money is shared and not stressed over, equal division of work, adores the bones of me and makes me feel loved all the time off his own back as I don't ask for it. Similar sex drives. Don't have demanding expectations of each other, don't criticise each others vices.. feel so relaxed in our own home. He works from home too and I am a SAHM so we do well to get on pretty much all the time!
I think the relationships forum will always attract the bad stuff so don't feel jaded.

honeycream · 25/04/2017 11:40

DH and I have been together for 10 years and we're very happy. We don't argue as we're just not argumentative people, and are laid back about each other's choices so don't do the nitpicking thing. We don't have dc together, I have one adult dc so no issues about childcare responsibilities or sleep. We're well off so don't get stressed over money. I'm 38 and most of my friends seem to be in happy long term relationships.

judgymoo · 25/04/2017 11:41

My DH and I fight like cat and dog sometimes but I would say overall we were very happy. I was in a very abusive relationship for many years and when I finally got the courage to get out I didn't think I ever wanted to be in a relationship again. Then I met the right guy. Most couples squabble - but the making up can be a lot of fun :)

Batgirlspants · 25/04/2017 11:44

35 years together, 4 kids and 2 grandkids we have had many ups and many many downs but he's my best mate.

My advice don't fall into a bickering habit and don't sweat the small stuff.

Alonggoesthetit · 25/04/2017 11:44

I'll say I'm happy, I adore dh. We complete each other..etc..but we had some difficult situations in our time : having a baby early in the relationship didn't help. We do argue sometimes but we make up and move on. When are ds were small, it was really hard, we had no time for ourselves.

madcapcat · 25/04/2017 11:57

Another very happy couple - been together 26 years and married for 7. We bicker and snap at each other sometimes, but still really enjoy each other's company, can talk about anything and always try to treat the other fairly and with respect. (And he still comes top on my list of attractive qualities in a man - intelligence, kindness, GSOH and a nice ares.)

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