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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that there are not many happy couples out there

137 replies

helpmesusan · 24/04/2017 23:20

Just that really.

I am not in a good place with my DP right now, and everybody I speak to seems to be the same.

I always said I wouldn't be part of a couple who spent their times niggling and fighting in supermarket car parks - not only do I feel like we have turned in to that, but I haven't spoken to anybody in AGES who tells me their relationship is any different.

Please tell me IABU and there ARE happy couples out there?

OP posts:

guinnessgirl · 24/04/2017 23:40

Together 13 years and married 10. Happier now than when we first married. I think what's been key for me is, every time DH does something that annoys me, I stop and remind myself that I'm not perfect either and I'm sure I annoy him on a daily basis. It gives me enough perspective to let small things go and helps me to communicate kindly! That and lots of hugs. Hugs are important

SpreadYourHappiness · 24/04/2017 23:42

DH and I are very happily married. Together for 12 years, married for nearly 5.

When we argue, it's over little things who left the fridge door open or something stupid

He's my best friend and I love him so much.

Original poster

helpmesusan · 24/04/2017 23:45

I shall end MN this evening on this happy note :-)

No looking at the Relationships threads for me tonight!

Night night ladies (and fellows, if any are here).

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 24/04/2017 23:47

When a friend tells you they are in an unhappy relationship, most people's instinct is to commiserate and share anecdotes that show the friend you understand a little about what they are going through. So you talk about any tough times you've had or mention arguments in car parks you have also had.
You don't tell you friend that you are blissfully happy in your own relationship, that would be a bit cruel and would seem to be making your friends unhappiness all about you. You don't tell your friend how you kissed and made up after your car park row.
So the unhappy friend ends up in a bit of a bubble where everyone is sharing their rubbish relationship stories, but keeping the happy bits hidden away.

helpmesusan, I'm sorry you are unhappy right now. As lots of pps have said, the happiness generally needs to be worked at and isn't a 24x7 inevitability. I hope you and your DH find a way through this together. DH and have struggled a bit over the last few years, things are much better now but I am aware the improvements are fragile and we need to make sure we don't slip back into old habits.

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 24/04/2017 23:48

We're in the young kids stage as are most of our friends. I'd say that we are happy overall, and we both feel very strongly that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but not every day is happy and that's true of our friends as well. That's very different to pre kids.

Ohyesiam · 24/04/2017 23:49

I'm in a happy loving relationship, but we do argue!
I am continually amazed by the shit people put up with in they relationships though.

Kitsandkids · 24/04/2017 23:50

My husband and I are happy. We've been married 9 years now. The first year was tough as we had financial worries, and 2 years ago I threatened divorce as he announced he didn't want children (my argument was he shouldn't have told me he did before we got married, and should now let me find someone else while I was still young enough for kids), but we got through it because we love each other and I'm now pregnant and all is good!

Just the other day we were saying we were glad we had the relationship we have because a few couples we know seem to have very difficult relationships.

But, we also know some very happy couples too and there's not many divorces among our family and friends.

scaryteacher · 24/04/2017 23:51

Through the young kids stage, together 32 years, married for 31 this year. We have niggles at times, who doesn't, but we are happy.

ifcatscouldtalk · 24/04/2017 23:52

Been married 14 years. Definitely had plenty of highs and lows. With depression, a massive family feud, redundancies etc. I can't say it's all been a picnic. As long as we keep the lines of communication open we stay close. Sounds really obvious but talking things through. I have seen couples that i thought had the perfect marriage and they certainly said as much end up getting divorced. I have also seen the couple that no one thought would last, last and seem very happy.

BuzzKillington · 24/04/2017 23:53

We're happy. We've been married for 22 years and I can't say any of it has been wobbly or unhappy.

We have a big group of friends - they're all in decades long, seemingly happy relationships too.

In terms of relationships, I sometimes think MN is a parallel universe, full of awful men and feckless dads. But then, we don't post about the good ones or the happy marriages as that would be a bit dull.

PickAChew · 24/04/2017 23:53

DH and I rub along pretty well together, most of the time, (when we're not both so exhausted by various circumstances that we're ready to either explode or spontanteously fall asleep)

Crumbs1 · 24/04/2017 23:55

Very happy, married for 25 years together over 30. Most of friends are very long term, happily married couples too.

PickAChew · 24/04/2017 23:56

I had one of the crap ones before him, though - thankfully, my spidey sense warned me off procreating with him.

Gruffalosgrandma · 24/04/2017 23:57

We've been together for 50+ years now and are still happy but we argue sometimes in car parks.......and I know I'm to old for mumsnet -and gransnet is a bit staid-

SuperBeagle · 25/04/2017 00:00

My DH is my best friend. We're very happy. We were friends for a long time before we started dating though, and I think that put us in good stead compared to a lot of couples I know who didn't know each other before they started dating.

We bicker like an old married couple, but I don't think we've ever had a proper argument, much less a fight.

The first two children (we now have four - the youngest is 3 months old) put our relationship to the biggest test. Neither of us had spent much time around children and we suddenly had two boys just 18 months apart. That was difficult to navigate at times, but we took it one day at a time and got through it. I think our relationship is stronger now, as opposed to weaker.

thewallsstareatme · 25/04/2017 00:09

I don't know any really good relationship, not among the ones close to me.

The only couples I know who still can stand each other after kids are the ones who have LOTS of help. Nannies, grandparents, cleaners, etc.

Bythebeach · 25/04/2017 00:18

DH & I are a happy couple. Lived together 10.5 yrs, 3 kids and I cannot believe how lucky I am with him. We do argue and we do have to work at it but amazingly after 10 years we have a shared sense of values and goals, huge mutual respect, lots of love and laughter and well-matched sex drives. All of which makes it easier to have a good relationship - but my last relationship was co-dependent, suffocating and I behaved awfully so I know full well how not to behave now!!!

Seren85 · 25/04/2017 00:46

DH and I are happy. Together 15 years and married 3. No kids yet so that maybe the difference for not. I have moments when I want to stab him in the head with a spoon and I'm sure he'd say the same but generally we get along brilliantly, we laugh a lot and have a lot of shared interests complimented with a couple of very separate ones. I'm obviously not going to even pretend to know how tough it is when young kids can strain a relationship. However I have noticed that amongst women my age there seems to be an almost competing attitude about how annoying or crap their DH/DP is. Like it is a bonding moment amongst the women. Not saying for a second OP that you are doing that or that all people who say they are unhappy are doing that but it may account in some way to the general perception that all or most couples are unhappy.

notangelinajolie · 25/04/2017 00:51

Team notangelina are in the happy camp. We are each other's best friend and we both pretty much agree on most things so there's not that much to argue about. Yes, we get grumpy at each other every now and then but don't take it personally and whatever it was is forgotten in minutes.

toffeeboffin · 25/04/2017 00:54

DH's first language isn't English : my knowledge of his language is rusty so we can't really argue because it's not really fair on the other person IFYSWIM. If I'm angry and in my broadest Lancashire accent with loads of colloquialisms it's not really fair on him because he'll no doubt say the wrong thing back

Sounds bizarre but we keep the peace.

Oh, and pick your battles. Carefully.

toffeeboffin · 25/04/2017 00:54

Now we have two kids and are too bloody knackered to even speak to each other, never mind barney.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 25/04/2017 00:56

DH and I are happy. We are not grass is always greener types and can appreciate that we are very fortunate in our lives.

2017SoFarSoGood · 25/04/2017 01:01

HelpMeSusan there are happy couples out there, but none are happy 24/7/365.

I adore my DH. We've been married 37 years, and for most of the time that has been true. Except when he annoys the bejeezus out of me and I want to stab him with a pitchfork.

Hang in there. Be kind to each other, and try to find strength (rather than weakness) from the differences between you.

ItsOut · 25/04/2017 01:27

DH and I are happy. We've lived together for over 30 years. Not perfect but pretty good. I still find him as funny, clever and handsome as I ever did although he still dies annoying things too 😂

He is a genuinely nice bloke.

I'm always amazed at how awful some posters relationships are on Mumsnet but I guess it's generally the posters that are unhappy who post. I often wonder why people stay in unhappy relationships. I know it can be really difficult to leave but you only live once and why would stay with someone you don't like. Life isn't meant to be that difficult.

QuodPeriitPeriit · 25/04/2017 01:32

Still happy after 20-odd years. Had 4 children under five so there were a few difficult, exhausting years where we bickered a bit (possibly even in supermarket car parks) but much better now. I think as long as you basically like and respect each other you can get through tough times.

You do get a skewed view of relationships on MN though - obviously the basically happy people don't post asking for advice.

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