To ask to know when something is bothering her?

[user1493024090]

Ever since our DD was born, it feels like my marriage has been getting shaky. It's reached the point where we now repeat the same argument every week: She claims I'm lazy and not helping out enough, I tell her if there's something she wants me to do, all she has to do is tell me - I've never refused before.

And here is the TLDR version:
I work one of those FT jobs where evenings and weekends don't mean I'm not working. I do work a lot from home, though, which means I get up most mornings to take care of DD for a couple of hours while DW gets ready. She, on the other hand, quit her job so she can be a stay-at-home mum (with my blessing). I usually finish work at 6pm, around her bedtime, so most working days I don't get to do much aside from shooting smiles at DD, and the occasional break.

DW is arguing that after DD goes to bed (or on days she stays at her grandmother's), she still has to do housework, and that I don't participate at all. On the other hand, whenever I offer to help with something, my offer is almost always rejected: I'm not allowed to touch the laundry (not that I messed something up in the past, I was never allowed), I'm not allowed to put DD to bed (because it will supposedly mess up her routine), and even when it's things I'm "allowed" to do, I'm still faced with rejections when I offer.

Naturally, I just stopped offering to help - instead, I told her, if she wanted help, I'm more than willing to do anything she asks of me. Apparently, this is unacceptable.

When DD needs her nappy changed, I should do it - even if she's the one who smelled it, and does it herself before I even notice. When the bottles are in the sink, clean them - even though I hardly spend time near the sink to see them, and she pops by to make tea every couple hours (another thing I don't do well-enough, apparently). It's not that I don't agree I should help with these things, but when she notices something needs doing and I don't, she just does it herself and gets angry at me the next morning. All I ask is that she tells me, instead of just getting angry about it.

DD plays nicely by herself (and completely ignores me while she does), and I don't spend most of the weekend sitting with her. That's not to say I don't play with her at all, just obviously not as much as DW would like.

I know I'm not a saint here, and that it IS possible for me to periodically leave whatever it is I'm doing and check if the sink is full, but I don't think it's very difficult to point it out to me, either. One of us is obviously being unreasonable, so we're out to seek advice from the internet.

@BeMorePanda thank you for linking that article, superb reading

I'm another one who can see the OPs point. My DH is a SAHD and has been since our youngest was a toddler, whilst I work full time and also often long hours into the evening and weekends. He absolutely sees his role as looking after the kids and the house. If I'm around and I notice something that needs doing then I'll do it - but often I'm not home to see it. The only thing I absolutely do everyday that he doesn't is cook. That's because he's useless and I enjoy it. I do also clean up after as well.

You've picked the absolute wrong person to make these suggestions to.

You want help right?
Look at the language you are using - you think you are different from other men with sexist views about housework don't you, but the language you use screams otherwise.

I don't really care, I don't know you or your family so it's no skin off my nose. But I didn't "pick you" to use that language too, it's a natural response to how you present yourself.

So your wife had to convince you that she's ill because you didn't believe her and now you accuse her of playing the PND card? I stopped reading there as that's everything I need to know about you. Ops wife if you are really reading, your DH is a fucking awful human being. LTB

A - she hasn't 'quit work' she is now working a 24/7 unpaid job as sahm which you agreed to

B she DEFINITELY sounds depressed/anxious/struggling. Who does she see/talk to apart from you?

C frankly you sound like my ex who when dd was 5 months old and I was still bf actually said he thought I 'sat on my arse watching telly all day' yea cos it all gets done by the housework/childcare bloody fairies! He did the dishes once in a blue moon and wanted a bloody medal because he 'did them better' because he dried and put away, reorganised cupboards and went through fridge discarding unusable products. All of which I did too but the latter 2 don't need doing every day when you do the dishes and if I had done that daily there'd have been less time for everything else that needed doing!

I also strongly suspect the offers of help are half hearted too little too late affairs? As pps have said, you're a grown arse man, get off your butt and DO STUFF!

1 Do the grocery shop (most of us tend to get same stuff mostly each week, you could keep a perpetual list on a whiteboard you can both add to of what needs getting for the things you don't need every week, even my dd manages that!) if you shop irl do it, if online do it and book delivery for when you'll be home to accept delivery and put away. (Baby's bath time would be perfect? For me anyway)

2 do the cooking it doesn't require a vagina to heat food!

3 wash the bottles and put in steriliser

4 make a mental note (or if you're forgetful a reminder on your phone) of when dishwasher due to finish and empty it

5 put a reminder of bin/recycling day and put em out without being asked

6 run the Hoover/duster round without being asked.

7 clean the bathroom without being asked

See that's 7 things off top of my head you could do that don't involve the laundry!

"I don't do just my things because there is never anywhere to hang them to dry - she takes out one load off the rack, and starts another." That's because of baby - I was the same, because with babies there's constant changes of your and their clothes and linens thanks to poonamis, vomit, spit up, errant wees during nappy change... We lived in a cold country in winter when dd was born so couldn't dry outside and no dryer allowed. Laundry drying on every radiator and on 3 airers.

Oh and no 8 source and choose together toy storage that you both like, order it, sort and store toys. The hoarding could well be part of the depression which can be prenatal as well as postnatal

I agree you're full of 'yes but...' Too

"while I work a (more than) full-time job, which has me working weekends and evenings more often than I'd like." How much sleep do you get each night? How much do you think your wife gets? Do you do night feeds? Night nappies? Night crying? As baby is bottle fed no reason you couldn't at least on the nights when you aren't driving the next day. Does she ever get a lie in? A proper one? I suspect not which means your wife is working longer hours than you - with no time off if sick, holidays etc.

"that's baby's mess." This would be the baby you both agreed to have and both produced yes?

When baby is watching telly she is still watching the baby, therefore her brain is still working. When she is at her mums to collect baby she is probably making arrangements for when mum next has baby, supporting her mum with any issues she may have regarding watching the baby and also...watching the baby.

"since I had to take more responsibilities to cover for the missing income." Resentment here again. You agreed for DW to be sahm. Surely you both went over your budget at the time? If nobody is cooking I suspect a lot of money wasted on ready meals/takeaways for starters - if you took on the cooking as your contribution to the running of YOUR family's home that would help AND save money.

Are you a dr/plumber/breakdown mechanic or similar in terms of emergencies? If not, set boundaries on when you can be contacted.

@ThePants999 "I'd think the reasonable compromise would be for you to slow down and give me a chance to do the work, not for me to regularly interrupt my activities just to make sure I get there first." No because slowing down means less time to do stuff and in a family home there's usually far too much to do.

Somerville has been through a hell of a lot and knows the REALITY of losing a partner. How the hell do you think you would pay for help on one income? Plus they wouldn't work 24/7 year round! If you give up your job what you gonna live on? She is a very kind and helpful mner so I for one would appreciate you didn't call her things like 'bitter'.

"Yeah we're getting an insight into your attitude now alright." Absolutely!!

"it's managing the cycle that takes a lot of the mental energy." This X 1000

"If he washes up the dinner things he doesn't also wash up all the other bits and bobs in the kitchen, so when he washes up after dinner that means I still have some washing up left to do." That reminded me, ex did great job in the kitchen if he did the dishes BUT it never occurred to him to look around the house and see if there were any stranded dirty dishes (of which HE was the worst culprit! Ruined many a carpet putting half drunk cuppas at his feet instead of on coffee table)

"you'll find me saying that:" blah blah blah - words are cheap, get off backside pull your weight!

Just try and be less mean op and a bit more understanding. Oh and if something needs doing just do it don't offer. because we all know people who offer are just secretly hoping the other person will say no and do it anyway.

Also when someone screams at you that they're fine, that's a pretty big clue that they're not.

All the while you are feeling so awesome for "offering to do things for her" you are spectacularly missing the essence that you don't do these things he for her, but for yourself, for your child, for your family.

And your offer "to do things for her" is probably causing her to feel very angry and resentful.