To ask to know when something is bothering her?

[user1493024090]

Ever since our DD was born, it feels like my marriage has been getting shaky. It's reached the point where we now repeat the same argument every week: She claims I'm lazy and not helping out enough, I tell her if there's something she wants me to do, all she has to do is tell me - I've never refused before.

And here is the TLDR version:
I work one of those FT jobs where evenings and weekends don't mean I'm not working. I do work a lot from home, though, which means I get up most mornings to take care of DD for a couple of hours while DW gets ready. She, on the other hand, quit her job so she can be a stay-at-home mum (with my blessing). I usually finish work at 6pm, around her bedtime, so most working days I don't get to do much aside from shooting smiles at DD, and the occasional break.

DW is arguing that after DD goes to bed (or on days she stays at her grandmother's), she still has to do housework, and that I don't participate at all. On the other hand, whenever I offer to help with something, my offer is almost always rejected: I'm not allowed to touch the laundry (not that I messed something up in the past, I was never allowed), I'm not allowed to put DD to bed (because it will supposedly mess up her routine), and even when it's things I'm "allowed" to do, I'm still faced with rejections when I offer.

Naturally, I just stopped offering to help - instead, I told her, if she wanted help, I'm more than willing to do anything she asks of me. Apparently, this is unacceptable.

When DD needs her nappy changed, I should do it - even if she's the one who smelled it, and does it herself before I even notice. When the bottles are in the sink, clean them - even though I hardly spend time near the sink to see them, and she pops by to make tea every couple hours (another thing I don't do well-enough, apparently). It's not that I don't agree I should help with these things, but when she notices something needs doing and I don't, she just does it herself and gets angry at me the next morning. All I ask is that she tells me, instead of just getting angry about it.

DD plays nicely by herself (and completely ignores me while she does), and I don't spend most of the weekend sitting with her. That's not to say I don't play with her at all, just obviously not as much as DW would like.

I know I'm not a saint here, and that it IS possible for me to periodically leave whatever it is I'm doing and check if the sink is full, but I don't think it's very difficult to point it out to me, either. One of us is obviously being unreasonable, so we're out to seek advice from the internet.

Why do you keep saying 'sometimes she plays by herself'? You've written it three separate times, so you obviously believe it's of huge importance.

What on earth has that got to do with your role as an independently functioning adult in a relationship?

Do you think that if she 'plays by herself' this eliminates her need for one parent (you, obviously, as she still needs a parent closely supervising, which you don't think is important / is relevant to yourself). Perhaps you believe your little baby is actually taking your turn at being the parent? A child taking the adults turn at supervising herself?

Then I guess it's your partners turn when she finishes playing by herself. Or when she needs any interaction or care during these 'playing by herself' sessions that you don't think should involve yourself?

You are not a child.

You are pushing your wife to be the owner of all household tasks and want to be told how to help as you don't want to take ownership over any of it. A grown adult needing to be told that there are dishes that need washing ... every day? You know that, everyone knows this, and your complaint that 'she sees them first' is ridiculous. What happens if she leaves the housework for you to do later? Would you 'see' it or assume its got nothing to do with you until you are managed into doing anything?

Why don't you say 'I'll do the dishes at X time, so you can relax and don't think about them as I've got it covered' and then you actually do what you've said you'll do...

Your wife needs to stop nagging and rejecting your help. I do wonder how it got to this though? I suspect there's a lot you both need to change in order to function properly and respectfully as a couple. It's a very well trodden route to do things badly so you don't get asked to do it again. It's also a well trodden route that one partner has to lower their standards in order to let go of being the 'housewife' by default.

It's like one of those awful trust building exercises where you have to let yourself fall backwards and your colleague catches you. Your wife needs to loosen her grip on all things household... but you need to be there to step up and have it covered. Not let it just drop and stand there watching as your wife has to scrabble around picking it all up for you. She sounds tired and angry that she's been forced into doing all the shit-work. You need to resolve that before either of you can successfully change the way your household works. A that rolebut you need to take on a good proportion of the jobs... including the share of kind it takes, not some feeble childish attempts to 'help out your partner' which leave her in charge and not being able to rely on you to follow through properly.

You come up with a whole list of reasons why you can't/ won't/ don't need to / are foiled in any attempts to take on a share of the household tasks. Why don't you problem solve these instead of using them as reasons to 'win'? You indicate you have a good professional job, so you clearly have the ability to work hard, follow through, take on responsibility and problem solve. Why don't you apply these skills to your home life?

If the house is messy and she's not cooking and is reluctant to let you put baby to bed I think there is a strong possibility of PND. Definitely needs to get that checked out. Sounds to me as though you are prepared to do loads in regards to pulling your weight How about doing your own laundry for a bit to lessen the load. Then maybe she will trust you with all of it.

We have a similar situation here but it's more that there is no initiative to just do it - it's always an offer which comes across and insincere with no intent to do it. Also when my OH does help and goes into the kitchen to do the bottles (for example) the rest of the kitchen ends up covered in milk powder/water/bits of bottle and he leaves cupboards and drawers open. He doesn't see that this causes more issues that just doing it myself and comes across as "nagging" if I tell him.

Of course I should be less controlling but with 2 kids and us both working full time it's the only way I can keep things ticking over

No idea OP if you are reasonable or unreasonable in this scenario.

Try this.

You write a list of what needs doing in the house (every day, every week and less frequently) and what your DDs needs and routine is.

Your DW writes the same.

Compare and contrast.

Then figure out what responsibilities you can take over as your sole jobs/tasks, and which your DW is solely responsible for (my DH doesn't do laundry either and I am fine with this, but there should be quid pro quo on another task e.g hoovering). Then there will be some tasks you rotate e.g bedtime routine and cleaning kitchen, for example.

@Judgejudy1 I didn't mean the "PND Card" to sound cruel - just this morning she screamed at me that she's fine, whereas I only accepted that she has PND because she convinced me of it herself. The back-and-forth aspect of it is what made me choose those words.

In all honesty, I don't need to be told to do something - I cleared the dishwasher just fine yesterday after I saw it was finished. It doesn't beep, so one has to actively check whether it's done. I vaccumed the floor the other day when she spilled dirt from her plants - because I saw it happen. The point is, when I know something is there, I do take care of it.

@ThePants999 Thanks for the support :) It is somewhat of a man answer, though - let's see if we can work it under her terms.

You lost my empathy at " played the PND card... At first i didn't except it"

If age doesn't cook much, what do you eat? Why don't you cook?

What would happen if you actually put a load of your own laundry in?

Buy some stacking storage boxes, the ones you can open at the front, and spend the weekend sorting the toys. Why doesn't she want to get rid of the ones DD has out grown? I can understand attachment to special ones but if she's hoarding every toy she's ever had things are going to get out of hand very quickly

When i was a single parent a friend was renting one of my rooms. Every evening when i was doing bath story and bed she would: hoover the downstairs, wash any dishes wipe down the kitchen sides make me a cuppa for when i was done. I never wanted her to leave. She never asked, she didn't butt in on anything. Just did basic things that regularly need doing.
My ex had NEVER done those things and acted as though I ought to cajole him into things. I couldn't be bothered with the effort. Nor the false offers (met with, i can't do that cos of .....). Just get on eith something. There is always something!

And don't say "the PND card" as if it's something to be so dismissive of.

Many of us struggle to transition to parenting 24-7 and being responsible for all domestic tasks that a baby brings to the fore. Help your DW, with compassion- or take a really long hard look at yourself and ask why not.

In the future, if your DD was a struggling new mum, would you want her partner to treat her with compassion and love, even if it was hard sometimes?

"the house has been in such a state that I honestly don't see the point of cleaning it; every other day I'd discover a new toy, or a new plant, or most recently a new playmat (we already have one) - it's just sitting there in the box, she didn't even take it out"

If the chaos and the shopping is new it sounds like she's depressed to me.

What are you doing whilst DD is being put to bed?

I agree with judgejudy It sounds as though there are deeper issues than a division of chores.

Does your dw feel appreciated? She maybe acting the martyr slightly because she feels defensive about her role as a sahm and frustrated that she is struggling to keep a tidy, clean home with a baby? She has a hard full time job just as much as you do! Reassure her occasionally that she's doing well.

Can you concentrate on doing nice things as a family, outings on your days off? Or take baby to the park for a couple of hours to give her a break? PND can manifest itself in feeling anxious and out of control so that might explain some of your wife's behaviour, and her taking it out on you.

I hope you find a resolution. Children grow up quickly and it's a real shame if you can't both enjoy these early years with your dd.

Do your own laundry, that's perfectly achievable. Cook tea or prepare lunch for all three of you 2 or 3 times a week, and clear away any mess than results. Clear away after your DDs breakfast. Buy toy storage and put the toys away. Tidy them regularly. Dust and vacuum occasionally, if it looks like it needs doing. None of these things needs permission or for you to have to ask, or for there to be an argument.

If your DW is reading this then you are very out of order for talking about PND the way you did. Has she been diagnosed with it by a doctor? If so, then it's real and exists.

@MommaGee I'm not sure what else to call it, when someone goes back and forth on whether or not they're suffering from it. She was so reluctent to get help, saying how she was fine, that it's put the whole thing in a weird light.

When I'm home, I usually go out and get a sandwich for lunch. Sometimes I put something frozen in the oven, sometimes she does. I don't do just my things because there is never anywhere to hang them to dry - she takes out one load off the rack, and starts another.

As for boxes, we already have lots. Things of hers we haven't even unpacked since we moved in, all sitting in the corner of DD's room. We are already past the point of no storage room, to the point I'm feeling clustrophobic in the living room. Boxes can't fix that. I love DW very much, despite both of us being somewhat angry at each other right now, but I always knew she had a bit of a hoarder streak. When she became pregnanent that dam simply broke. I've accepted that particular fate, though.

When son was a baby the lounge was just full of toys. We just kept lots of clear plastic boxes around and when he went to bed threw all the toys in boxes.

From your responses you didn't come here for perspectives. You came here so your wife could see sense. It's less of a solution you want and more that you want her to sort things out.

If dividing up chores doesn't need work then divide it by time.

During the day you are both working full time. You at your job and she with the baby.

Housework is seperate to that. The more either myself or my husband had to work, the more of the housework the other parent had to do.

Weekends we divided one day each.

For whatever reason your wife Ian trying to tell you something and you aren't hearing it. I don't know what that is - she may not even know what that is.

Please go see a couples counsellor together.

A thread on mumsnet is no way to save your marriage.

Do encourage your wife to follow up her gp appointment, and support her with that.

It takes a lot of courage to admit mental health issues and ask for help. I suspect she feels overwhelmed with motherhood, her hoarding tendencies and the responsibility of a baby.
I think you need to stop feeling angry with her and help her anyway you can. I appreciate that is difficult if she is resistant to admitting any sort of problem.

You are blocking every practical suggestion, do you realise that? It doesn't seem like you accept that there is anything you can do to change things.

Are you also feeling depressed? Post natal depression can happen to men as well.

Sometimes the last person to realise that they're suffering from depression is the person themselves. There are plenty of resources online, such as how suspected PND can affect relationships, and a check list of some symptom. I suggest you read them.

You describe your house as in such a state that you don't think there's any point cleaning out. Despite previously insisting that the problem is just that your wife doesn't let you do laundry/does everything else before you get to it. It doesn't make much sense.

I would suspect that your wife has some areas under control, such as the laundry. Other areas are spiralling out of control - such as tidying and storage and cleaning, and it is there that she needs you to step up.

You say it's just because she gets there first, but that's the point - YOU have to put the effort into get there first.

Seeing things like this help me understand HOW DW and I end up with such a different perspective, but I think it's crazy. It almost sounds like competitive housework-finding. Why would you stop what you're doing and go look for work to do? Doing what I naturally do around the house affords plenty of opportunity to see what needs doing, but anyone who proactively went looking for things to do would beat me to it. Were you my partner, and you were frustrated with me for not pulling my weight, I'd think the reasonable compromise would be for you to slow down and give me a chance to do the work, not for me to regularly interrupt my activities just to make sure I get there first.

(Reminder - I'm not the OP)

The PND card? You're coming across like a pissy little arsehole.

Before you had DD, had you been thinking about having more than 1 child? Maybe DW is keeping the toys for DC2?
Have you read up on PND, so that you can try to understand the turmoil your DW is experiencing? It is not a logical illness you know!
Have you said to DW "darling, we seem to be finding it difficult to work out our roles now were parents. Shall we find some quiet time to work out a fair division of chores and expectations on each other? Let's try to make life easier and more enjoyable"

I can also see where you're coming from OP.

DH and me have a more or less agreed sharing of tasks. He does bins, laundry and garden. I do cooking. We have a cl anger who comes once a week and she also irons.

However, if a load of laundry needs to be done I put it on. Or will empty the. Ins if I see them.

When I was on Mat leave I did the laundry also (he kept up the bins and garden stuff).

As for the poster above - can you agree a fixed list that's reasonable and doable for you, that then are your responsibility? (Which means your DW is free to walk past them and not get involved).

Clearly a cleaner not a clanger

Nothing more annoying than a grown adult that needs to be told what housework to do. Surely you can see when things need doing yourself? It doesn't have to be immediate things, but cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen floor, etc. And nothing destroys love faster than a partner not pulling their weight.

I spoke to a woman on phone through my line of work, she informed me that my request was a blue job, but she'd have a go.
She had pink jobs her dh had blue jobs.

I finished the call thinking how 1950's but then apart from the blue and pink titles thought what a great idea.
You both have your own list of chores and get through them.
If you have extra time or something comes up with the other person's list, you help if you can.

I'm thinking of adopting this in our house now the dc have mostly left home.
I think we might choose different colours though