Aibu to get really irritated by my house guest

[Coughingchildren5]

Visitor here for a long weekend for respite due to a traumatic relationship breakup.
She has two under fives who I am doing my best to help entertain and accommodate by giving up my room so they can all fit in together comfortably, stocked up on food they like, arranged activities they like etc.
My aim was to give them a nice weekend together and a bit of extra support which she doesn't get much of at home.

But she is really testing my patience!! Am i b u or do I have grounds to think twice about another visit.

Here is some of the stuff I am holding my tongue over:

She has also brought her very unruly dog who is very yappy and snappy and the children are told not to touch for safety. It chases my cats and nips and runs all over the house, on tables, sofas, beds, raiding bins... This evening it pooed on my living room carpet and on another has peed up the curtain. She doesn't take the initiative to clean up after the dog, she just sits there and laughs. I have to ask several times to make her do it. I have now armed myself with a squirty water bottle to defend myself and family members from this dog as it won't listen to anyone and has tried to nip my husband's legs! She says we provoke her dog by running or being g loud or moving large objects or other normal activities!

She leaves dirty nappies and wet wipes lying around on dinner tables and other furniture. She doesn't even have nappy bags. I have given her some and explained where the nappies need to go as we have loads of bins for recycling etc but I have just had to go around and collect up yet another pile of used nappies.

She leaves glasses of water all over the place. We also have young children and they are all getting really excited naturally and so it's really unsafe to be leaving glasses lying around. I think this is common sense surely?

She is also a bit sharp tongued and makes little digs at me now and then. It might be from her own frustration at the moment which I get and don't take too personally, but added to the other things, it is all getting a bit much.

Should I just suck it up as she is sad and this behaviour is because she is struggling and this is the kind of thing I need to tolerate with understanding, or is this really awful and I'm being a mug?

yes...its odd that no one seems to get accused of 'playing the cancer card' isn't it.

I mean people still likely wouldn't tolerate someone on chemotherapy leaving used nappies about the place, but they wouldn't accuse them of playing a card of any sort.

I lived with someone with depression for many, many years. I understand what it's like and it made me depressed, too.

However, when I read, This evening it pooed on my living room carpet and on another has peed up the curtain. She doesn't take the initiative to clean up after the dog, she just sits there and laughs. I have to ask several times to make her do it. that does not make me think, Ahh she must be depressed.

I kind of agree with expat. I was in a state of extreme anxiety and depression following a traumatic breakup, and also stayed a few times with a friend for support. But I still managed to be tidy, helpful and polite!

Poor you, poor your family, poor your pets, poor her children and poor her dog.

Never again OP, if it's only one day I would suggest to simply grin and bear and then distance yourself. Can you take yourselves and the dog to the park? Exercise will undoubtably calm it down. Stop cleaning up after her and tell her kids to go and wake her up if she doesn't get up soon.

I would say you are being very kind putting up with it, but be aware of your limits and after she leaves, provide support in other ways, but not in your house.

^^ This.

I'm a dog person but wouldn't be able to stand that. The dog should be walked twice a day. Could you suggest a dog walk? Maybe you could all go together?

I had visitors over Easter for over a week and on one morning announced to everyone that we were going to all have to do some cleaning today. Everyone pitched in and it was all done in no time. I would think a Monday morning would be normal for that kind of thing.

Presumably she hasn't always been like this

No, Ratatatouille she is not even like it always now. She is apparently perfectly normal at another friend's. A very pick and choose sort of depression.

I'm not saying she's definitely depressed, just that I recognise some of the signs from the OP. But just as I can't say from this tiny snapshot of her life that she is definitely depressed, nobody else on this thread can be sure that she isn't. Depending on which parts of the OP you look at, there is evidence for both points of view. Regardless, to talk about playing the "depression card" is utterly disgusting.

At the end of the day, we don't know exactly what happened when she stayed with the other friend, how long ago that was, whether there have been further developments since her traumatic breakup in between times, whether her mental health has deteriorated since then etc etc.

At the end of the day OP you shouldn't offer more of yourself than you can afford to give. In this instance, helping your friend by allowing her to stay at your house is too much of a disturbance to your own life and that's fair enough. I'd put up with it for the remaining day of her visit and then not offer to have her stay again. But I do still think she sounds like she's struggling a lot and if you are able to offer support in a different way (just being there for her to talk or whatever) then that would be the kind thing to do for a friend. Obviously if she's just a total freeloader and you feel that she's using you then you need to evaluate the friendship. But if she has been a good and reliable friend in the past then it would be a pity to judge her now based on her behaviour during a very dark time in her life (you used the word traumatic in your OP so I'm assuming there was something more to this than a regular breakup).

who hasn't left dirty nappies around the place when they are tiny

Me and every Mum I know for starters I had severe PND after my Ds was born which lasted 2 years and still managed to put shitty nappies and wipes in the bin EVERY single time straight after the change. It's disgusting not to do so - why would you want your home to smell of poo? And if you think it doesn't, I can tell you, it does!

But then. she's got two under-fives and a dog that nips...

I'm an owner of a dog that nips. I won't let her within a million miles of an under-five. What is she thinking?

I'm really embarrassed now I wrote that. I just meant that in the early days times especially the nights would be mad and there might be a nappy or two kicking around under the bed. Yukky but it happens. I don't think I'm the only scuzzy mum on mumsnet

RedStripe you're not the only one. There are a lot of holier than thou judgy pants on here. DD had an epic screaming meltdown mid nappy change this morning so there's a nappy on the floor in the lounge as I type whilst we are upstairs and she's having a much needed nap. As soon as she wakes up, we'll go downstairs and I will bin the nappy. I don't expect that my home will become overrun with vermin or anybody will drop dead in the meantime.

Phew!! Thanks for that. My flat was never a steaming pile of nappies but it did happen

Unfortunately the dog wouldn't have got passed the front door step, my cats are far too important to be hounded by some random dog.

Bloody hell, this sounds awful. Who lets their dog wee and poo over a host's house?!

Should add - re nappies on the floor etc, if I am in a rush or there's something else going on then I will wrap up the nappy and leave it on the bathroom or landing floor and then deal with it later. That's not a big deal. But leaving numerous unwrapped nappies over someone else's house where there are other children around and not making any effort whatsoever to clear them up is just rude.

Thanks so much for sharing your views. I am relieved I'm not being mean.
I do not think she is depressed, she is struggling as anyone would with their hands full like this!
She is not a person of routine at the best of times which is why she thinks it's a good idea to be spending weekends away. I guess it distracts her and means she has help and attention.
Tbh I don't mind being inconvenienced as that's what friends and relatives are for in times of trouble. But I do think next time I will suggest the dog stays back home. She just released it from this cage this morning and it went straight to attack the builder, this was after I had said she must keep it on the lead as we have people moving about the house today. I gathered together all her possessions and nappies and wipes and put them in a pile for her to sort which she did. But she is still balancing nappies on random surfaces.
Her children sleep well and also lie in(up late!) So I can't complain about that, and today I left the dog in the cage for her to deal with when she woke up.
I just don't think she realises the impact she has on people around her.

coughing...there will be no 'next time'..surely...How can she leave it at home if there's no one to look after it?

Am still worried that she seems to have a volatile dog (am assuming a terrier because I've got one that sounds a lot like this) around small children! (I seem to be all about the dogs lately).

You need to have a chat with her.

Today.

Put a list together of "House Rules" and give them to her. They should include:
Not leaving either clean or dirty nappies and wipes around on surfaces (they should be kept in a single place where she can change her child and then put directly into a bin).
Glasses need to be put into the dishwasher when they are used and not left around the house.
Dog needs to be walked regularly, kept on a lead when not in the crate or put into kennels or rehomed (to another family member if it is possible).
All guests are expected to be polite to the host or the host will turf them out quick smart! No sharp tongue required as it will only cut short their stay!

I wouldn't go on that trip. I'd be starting the clean-up process of your house by giving her a pair of rubber gloves and cleaning products!

Feck that for a game of soldiers!

I don't think she's depressed, she's just someone who knows people's boundaries. She knows OP won't pull her up on her behaviour, so on it continues. She visits another friend who she knows doesn't take bullshit and is an impeccable guest.

In my view she likely thinks OP has a cushy life, because she's organised and has everything in order. She doesn't take initiative to apply the same principles to her own life. You can only imagine what her house is like.

At some point she'll have to pull up her big girl panties and get on with life.

Just to add my two pence worth about playing the 'depression card'. I think expats statement was quite spot on actually! After all, I've yet to hear anyone say 'OP, if someone is being lazy, doesn't tidy up after themselves, let's her dog shit and piss all over your house, do you think they might have cancer? Could they go to the GP and say that they think they might have cancer?' (That's obviously in response to someone above saying no one plays the cancer card). No, of course they wouldn't, and rightly so. So why is it seen as acceptable to say that being a lazy fecker could be because they have an equally deadly disease like depression?

Bluntness...

Ain't that the truth about no good deed going unpunished.

I'd just suck it up for now. Guest is going shortly, and will not be invited back in a hurry I suspect.

Lesson learned, and OPs job done.

Jeansandtonic - being demotivated in du to day life, struggling with routine, family life etc are sometimes symptoms of depression, but very unlikely to be symptoms of cancer, so your analogy doesn't really work

YANBU!!

Tell her to have some respect for your house/space and possessions. Fully grown woman shouldn't be acting like that especially in a hosts home. What a bad example for kids.

Yes Adana, sometimes. Not all the time though and it's wrong of people to jump to those conclusions on a whim.

I just don't think she realises the impact she has on people around her.

Well, she won't if they don't tell her...