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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you would leave your partner over this?

88 replies

hollyvsivy · 23/04/2017 22:31

If he had children from a previous relationship that he didn't see and didn't pursue a relationship with and your gut told you that if you separated then he wouldn't see your children together either. Would you end it sooner rather than later?

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 23/04/2017 22:32

Yes, there's no excuse for him not to see his kids, does he support them financially? It'd be a massive red flag for me

Mistletoekids · 23/04/2017 22:32

Yes

ImperialBlether · 23/04/2017 22:33

I wouldn't even start a relationship with someone like this.

HuntingSquirrels · 23/04/2017 22:35

Yes. I imagine that he is not exactly a stellar parent to the children you share even whilst you are together.

MapMyMum · 23/04/2017 22:36

Yes I couldnt be with a person like that

BadKnee · 23/04/2017 22:37

Yes, I would leave over that.

I would also not start a relationship with a man who was unpleasant to his ex or his parents.

Capricorn76 · 23/04/2017 22:37

Yes.

Capricorn76 · 23/04/2017 22:39

In fact I would leave as soon as I found out.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/04/2017 22:39

I wouldn't have even started a relationship, huge red flag.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/04/2017 22:40

Yes I would end it sooner rather than later. What kind of person abandons their children? A dick. This information about his kids let's you know that he is definitely a dick even if he is suppressing it well with you at the moment.

Haudyerwheesht · 23/04/2017 22:40

I wouldn't have ever started a relationship but if I had then yes id end it

defineme · 23/04/2017 22:41

Yes

MadameJosephine · 23/04/2017 22:41

yes, he's a shitty father and that's not what your children deserve. I've been there, didn't see the red flags at the time and my DS has paid the price Sad

ThreeFish · 23/04/2017 22:41

Yes, and he wouldn't have progressed to partner status.

AgentProvocateur · 23/04/2017 22:43

Yes. I wouldn't start a relationship with a shit father.

TheExuberant1 · 23/04/2017 22:43

Why are you thinking about breaking up? This would be the first red flag?!

hellomarshmallow · 23/04/2017 22:44

Yes. Don't ignore your gut feeling.

Moanyoldcow · 23/04/2017 22:44

Yes. Definitely.

hellomarshmallow · 23/04/2017 22:45

Even if you never had children together so it wasn't an issue, how could you be with someone who didn't care about his DC?

hareagain · 23/04/2017 22:47

I would end it if I had a reason to end it in terms of your existing relationship, not because of that.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 23/04/2017 22:48

We had DC before he stopped seeing his other children. He does pay for them but finds keeping up contact too stressful Hmm

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/04/2017 22:48

I was with a man - and married him - who didn't see his dd much. In fact only when he was single was he 'allowed' to by his ex to see her. . They went to mediation and made arrangements etc. She broke them. . He paid csa and saved to take her to court. .She didn't turn up. . More mediation which she no showed. . It went on for the 5 years we were together. . We split up. . He was allowed to see her again. .
Believe it or not there are women who haven't got their dc best interests at heart. .
We had no dc together basically because I wanted no ties to her. . Dc sharing a df we would have. . No. Just no.

BillyButtfuck · 23/04/2017 22:49

Yes I would leave as soon as I realised he was a shit parent and before my children were old enough to understand (if you did split) that he's uninterested in them.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 23/04/2017 22:56

That isn't the case here flapjacks. She was happy for him to see them, she just wanted a bit more effort. Sadly, he didn't make it. Our eldest is five.

Next question. If I offered him the DC on a plate, when it suited him then he might remain in contact. If I didn't do this, he probably wouldn't. Would you test his commitment at the beginning by insisting on set arrangements rather than what suits him to save the DC being let down at a later date?

OP posts:
hareagain · 23/04/2017 23:01

Are you really going to separate based on this? Really no other reason? Are you happy otherwise?