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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you would leave your partner over this?

88 replies

hollyvsivy · 23/04/2017 22:31

If he had children from a previous relationship that he didn't see and didn't pursue a relationship with and your gut told you that if you separated then he wouldn't see your children together either. Would you end it sooner rather than later?

OP posts:
FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 23/04/2017 23:14

Set arrangements, yes. Not something to purposely inconvenience him. BNut consistency is important. I think it will hurt your DC more if they do continue to see him but it's obvious he wouldn't put in any effort (doesn't give a flying shit...)

And yes, I'd leave him. Well, honestly, I wouldn't want a relationship with somebody like this (but seems like that ship has sailed in your case).

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/04/2017 23:16

I wouldn't have kids with someone who didn't see his other children because I wouldn't want to risk that for our joint children. But having had kids I wouldn't split up with him just because he was had stopped seeing his other children.

Someone who won't see his kids from another relationship because it's too hard, strikes me as the sort of person who would be lazy about commitment or pulling his weight in other ways though, so I presume there are other issues too? If I was intending leaving anyway then I think testing his commitment early on by not bending over backward might be a good idea. I think a strong relationship with both parents is great for kids from split families, but it's not a strong relationship if the parent won't go out of their way at all. I don't think there's much benefit to kids staying in touch with a flakey parent who will only do things when it's easy.

Shortdarkandfeisty · 23/04/2017 23:16

Sooner

antimatter · 23/04/2017 23:19

What do you mean by: "she wanted more effort"?

MommaGee · 23/04/2017 23:20

If I knew he had kids he didn't see before we had kids then I wouldn't have a relationship with him.

If he saw his kids, were got together and had kids then he stopped seeing them i wouldn't end the relationship over that alone, I'd do my best to ensure my children saw their siblings

ChasedByBees · 23/04/2017 23:23

If you have children and this is the only reason, perhaps not. You strongly suspect it would be the end of your DCs relationship with their father. You're thinking of ending it because you think he'd leave them too but it seems a bit circular- if you're wrong, you ended your marriage for the wrong reason, if you're right, the worst happens and your DC lose their father.

You might of course have lost respect for him and I can imagine that has its own consequences.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/04/2017 23:26

Absolutely no bloody way....and I have been on the other side of this. I could not be with a man who neglected his children in such a callous manner. However, you've got kids already so not entirely sure how you deal with this one! If I were you, I'd do my level best to ensure that your DC have a relationship with their half siblings.

notangelinajolie · 23/04/2017 23:29

I wouldn't even start a relationship with someone like that never mind having kids with them.

MapMyMum · 23/04/2017 23:34

Having seen your update I agree with ChasedByBees.

Charley50 · 23/04/2017 23:49

It would make no sense for you to split up with him for the reason you've given; as explained by ChasedByBees.
Can you speak to him about what he finds difficult about seeing his kids, and just encourage him to see them really? Why do you think he's stopped seeing them. Yes I would lose some respect for him, but as you've got kids together, no I wouldn't end it. Did he have a good relationship with his dad? I think some men are conditioned to feel, and then be, surplus to requirements when it comes to bring a parent.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 23/04/2017 23:55

He won't do anything to seek contact now. I've tried encouraging but I can't force him. I do feel like I've lost respect for him. Everything isn't hunky dory at home and the thought that he'd forget about our children likes he's forgotten about their siblings gets to me.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 23/04/2017 23:59

Sorry but how a man treats a kids from a previous relationship is a deal breaker/maker for me!

My Ex H #2 had an ex wife and a DD. He had his DD 2 nights a week. He was meticulous about paying maintenance, his access times. That is why I felt safe to have DD with him! he had shown me the man he was and stayed the man he was. He paid on the dot what we had agreed.

Yes, we split, he cheated on me, but he treated our DD as he had his first. He paid what we had agreed (less that CMS said , but then extra when she needed uniform, club fees paying), I could not fault him.

I would not ever be with a man with children who did less than this!

HeddaGarbled · 24/04/2017 00:04

You've got two separate issues here.

If everything is OK in the relationship and you want to stay together, I'd tell him straight how his walking away from his children is damaging them. Bollocks to "encouraging"', tell him how it is and how you think less of him for doing it.

However, it sounds like things are not OK. If they are not, you don't need the excuse of how he treats his children to make your decision.

MommaGee · 24/04/2017 00:08

And I'd also point out that he's robbing all children I'd a relationship with their siblings

Wedrine4me · 24/04/2017 00:17

I think the younger the children are, the easier it is for them to adapt, so if you really can't see a future with DH now that you've lost respect for him, the quicker you do it, the better.

Never slagging him off despite your private feelings in front of the kids will help them more than anything though, when you do split up.

whattheactualfudge · 24/04/2017 00:30

My ex doesn't see our daughter yet has his girlfriend CONVINCED that I am stopping him!! Meanwhile I've even stopped to sending him emails offering him MONEY to be father to her as it breaks my heart to see her looking at Daddies playing with their toddlers......
I've tried messaging her to inform her that I have never stopped him but got no response.

To be fair, I'm convinced she is the problem. As that is when his devotion to being a Daddy stopped DEAD! After 13 months of being a great Daddy! (Discovered he was cheating with his current gf but that's a whole different thread!)

The bottom line is, despite her supposedly being a 'Children's Nurse' she knows her 'Darling (cheating) Partner' doesn't see his daughter and hasn't done since they got together 14 months ago, does nothing proactive about it. Yet she is still with him!
I just have to remind myself that if he truly WANTED to be a Father, then he'd walk any distance, in the pouring rain with no shoes or coat if that's what it took to see his child. Because that is what decent Dads do.

In my personal opinion, a 'Dad' that isn't prepared to do the above or anything physically possible to see their child, then they're not ANY kind of decent man......

I'd rip them a new bumhole if I discovered my DP was doing nothing about seeing their child. And if I was fed the "She won't let me see him/her" line, I'd laugh and immediately find out the truth - myself. Chances are, it's bullshit!!!! (But then I have a hugely biased opinion...!!)

HolidayArmidillo · 24/04/2017 04:14

I understand your opinion, but if your relationship/ family life is good then why would you split up? Just to test him to see if he would see your DC? And not only that but then make it as hard as possible to see if he's "worthy" of contact. I think you need to take a look at your own actions.

welshdee · 24/04/2017 05:41

Is there a reason he no longer bothers to see his other kids? Personally I think it's sad any father can't be bothered to see his kids. Says a lot about what sort of man he is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2017 05:57

If you're splitting up just because he doesn't see a child from a previous marriage, aren't you cutting your nose off to spite your face? You're probably guaranteeing your child will grow up fatherless. Would he consider couples counselling?

Renaissance2017 · 24/04/2017 06:00

Wow! If you want to split up OP, split up but don't use the kids as a tool to get back at him.

Alexandra87 · 24/04/2017 06:10

It would probably make me try harder to stay together knowing that if we did split the kids were unlikely to have a good relationship with him

WannaBe · 24/04/2017 06:28

I don't see how you can use "everything is ok in the relationship" and "doesn't see his children" in the same sentence. How can anyone possibly continue a relationship with a man who has willingly cut contact with his children? Would be an absolute deal breaker for me. No way would I stay in a relationship just so he could maintain a relationship with my children. It would be for all the wrong reasons, and the children would realise that soon enough when they grew up and realised about the siblings they have no relationship with.

But then I think that there are an awful lot of girlfriends/second wives who are quite happy to have as little contact with children from the previous marriage as possible so their own family can take precedence.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 24/04/2017 07:19

I want my DC to know their siblings. My eldest is starting to forget about them because he doesn't want them to be mentioned. He's dishonest to others about why he doesn't see them. It makes me angry.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 24/04/2017 07:23

So why is it that your DH doesn't see his children?

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 24/04/2017 07:24

I married one of them, believed the sob story that his ex was preventing contact blah blah blah. After having DS1 and getting the shit kicked out of me for years I'd finally had enough and left. Turns out he's got 7 kids by 7 different women (3 born while I was married to him!) and he's still trundling out the same old story while having EOW with DS1 and telling the world how hard done to he is Hmm (never been involved in any aspect of DS1s life, not school, clubs, clinics, doctors, diagnosis, no financial or emotional support in any way at all. Yet I'm the cunt!)