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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you would leave your partner over this?

88 replies

hollyvsivy · 23/04/2017 22:31

If he had children from a previous relationship that he didn't see and didn't pursue a relationship with and your gut told you that if you separated then he wouldn't see your children together either. Would you end it sooner rather than later?

OP posts:

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 24/04/2017 07:25

Everything isn't hunky dory at home

Sounds like you are looking for excuses to terminate the relationship. If you aren't happy, leave. Or you could both put a bit of effort in and make it work. just a thought.

Whatthefudger · 24/04/2017 07:27

My dh sees his kids every weekend fri to sun without fail. It was one of the things that attracted to me him originally. I can't imagine a man who doesn't bother with his kids is a great partner/future father etc.

ny20005 · 24/04/2017 07:28

Can you not arrange for your dc to see their siblings without him ?

MinorRSole · 24/04/2017 10:20

I have reactivated my account just to comment on this thread.

My ex refuses to see the children. We split up when they were 8 & 5 and he continued to have them eow until shortly after having a new baby with his now wife. The children were then about 12 and 9.

My son recently discovered he had another sibling via an internet annoucement. He discovered this at school just before an exam (he is 16 now)

The impact on my children has been heart breaking, my eldest is obsessed over it and blames himself because he has autism. My daughter is in counselling which is trying to treat, amongst other things, her self harming. She believes her dad rejected her as he preferred his new daughter.

In response to your question, yes I would leave a man for this. I could not share my life with someone who could inflict this on his own children and I would have zero respect or love for him.

My children would dearly love to meet their siblings and I know this would help ease their grief a little so i echo a pp about looking into facilitating sibling contact at least

Original poster

hollyvsivy · 24/04/2017 13:55

Hus ex would invite him to school things and him to have them more. He said no because he hated seeing her pretty much.

I don't see how sibling contact would work. It's been nearly two years since we last saw them, they're probably feeling a bit better about not seeing him and then having sibling contact would reopen the wounds. I think their mum would see it as too difficult for them because they'd forever be upset that their siblings were coming home to him but he didn't want to see them.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 24/04/2017 13:59

I wouldn't of dated a man that didn't see his children what sort of person can not see there own child?? and I'd absolutely never have children with him to watch him let them down too becuase at some point a man like that will let them done

Pinkheart5915 · 24/04/2017 14:01

Everything isn't hunky dory at home and the thought that he'd forget about our children likes he's forgotten about their siblings gets to me

So his a crap dad to your dc as well then? So why stay? People like that rarely change

mygorgeousmilo · 24/04/2017 14:09

Yes, it would be a deal breaker for me. I would be disgusted in any adult that had no interest in their child

Brokejoke · 24/04/2017 14:11

Yes I would not stay with a man who had revealed himself to be such an uncaring person and bad father. I know my dh would be devastated if he could not see our dd for some reason. That's how any good parent should be imo.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2017 14:13

I see what you're saying. On the flip side, holly you'd be telling them there are people out there, who want to get to know and to love them and not everyone is rejecting them. I find it incredibly infantile that he doesn't want to see his kids because he finds seeing his ex difficult. That would make me have very little respect for him. I would give sibiling contact serious consideration. The children in an ideal world shouldn't be adults before they first meet. I understand that you think it could do more harm than good for his children from his first marriage and you are acting very honourably but it may be quite the reverse.

Charlie97 · 24/04/2017 14:16

Yes

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/04/2017 14:23

I think you are over complicating the situation.

It's not about what's right or wrong regarding him seeing his other children (most of us will agree he's in the wrong, but it's not relevant).

Ask yourself 'Am I happy'.

It's THAT simple.

theredjellybean · 24/04/2017 14:27

I think you have to separate out how you feel about this man's relationship to his other children and how you feel about him. If you are at the point of splitting then the fact he effectively gave up on his previous children, does not bear well for your children maintaining a relationship with him. This is really sad but to use the fact he does not have a relationship with his children as a reason to split, seems a bit odd to me. If it was my DP i would be sad that he was missing out and i would feel desperately sad for all the children but i wouldn't split over it.
Have you explained to him how you feel about this one issue ? and how it impacts your DC who are missing out on the sibling relationship ?

WannaBe · 24/04/2017 14:33

So he stopped seeing his children because he couldn't bear to see his ex. Quite the prize isn't he?

TBH I would facilitate sibling contact because the likelihood is that the ex thinks you are part of the reason why he doesn't see his children.

"Ask yourself 'Am I happy'." no, ask yourself "what kind of person does it make me if I am happy to stay with a man who doesn't care about his children enough to want to maintain a relationship with them and uses not wanting to see his ex as a justification." It is that simple

Because actually, while it takes a certain kind of person to stop seeing their children and to stop contact with them. It also takes a certain kind of person to go along with it.

I would have no respect for a parent who had no contact with their children and had no intentions of changing that fact. I would have equal amounts of no respect for anyone who entered into or continued a relationship with a parent who knowingly and willingly cut contact with their children.

thehousewife · 24/04/2017 14:33

Yes. I'm on the other side of this, my EXH only sees DD every few years when he decides he should be making more effort, normally pushed by the CSA getting in touch I often wonder how his wife sees him, they have 3 DC together, I'd have no respect for him if the tables were turned. I just can't get my head around it at all!

WorkingBling · 24/04/2017 14:34

It seems to me this is a basic ethics question. And more than anything, the problem for you is that you thought he had a certain approach to fatherhood and now you're realising that his approach is something completely different. And completely different to what you think is appropriate or ethical.

I honestly don't know what you should do. But I do understand why you have a huge problem. Dh and I see eye to eye on things that we both consider important, if he suddenly turned around and changed his mind on one of those, I'm not sure how I would be able to remain happy in our relationship.

If your relationship is otherwise good, I'd try discussing it with him. Not encouraging him to spend more time with his other children, but sitting him down and telling him that the person he's becoming as a result of this issue is not the person you married and that you are finding it very difficult to love him in the same way because something so important to your view of family appears to have changed with him. I'd take the emotion of "is this how you'd act if it was our children" out, simply because, from your posts, it seems irrelevant. You are deeply uncomfortable with how he is acting towards your step children and you appear to feel very strongly that as a result he is not someone you can love.

MamaHanji · 24/04/2017 14:38

Jesus Christ. He finds keeping contact with his children 'stressful'! Poor snowflake.

If he could do it to them, he will do it to your children too. But i wouldn't raise my children with a man like that. Disgusting. There are fathers fighting to see their children and mothers using them as weapons, and their mother has actively tried to include him in his children's lives and he can't be bothered...

That is not a father.

MamaHanji · 24/04/2017 14:39

That's harsh to him, not you.

I'm sorry that he has turned out to not be the man you probably thought he was.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/04/2017 14:45

wannabe. I already know what kind of person I am, I don't need to ask myself. I'm sure the op doesn't either.

My point is that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and no one needs 'a reason' to leave someone. Being unhappy is reason enough.

The OP clearly thinks it's terrible (as do I) and it's making HER unhappy, it doesn't matter whether the behaviour is right or wrong, it's making her unhappy. No one has to justify leaving.

WannaBe · 24/04/2017 15:00

No of course nobody should need to justify why they have left a relationship. But in this instance I think that someone should justify to themselves at least, why they would choose to stay in sutch a relationship and moreover, have more children knowing what they know about their partner.

In the OP's case she is clearly uncomfortable with the way in which her h has abandoned his children from his previous marriage, and it seems that this is just one thing in a line of things which are beginning to make the marriage untennable for her. However, there have been plenty of people on this thread who have said that if this is the only thing then leaving the marriage is an extreme reaction, which, IMO. It most certainly is not.

Goingtobeawesome · 24/04/2017 15:52

I wouldn't have started going out with him in the first place.

But heck, I've just realised months into a new relationship I discovered my then boyfriend had a child with someone else. My only defence is I was young and didn't ask him if he paid for him or saw him and I did eventually leave him.

Now, I wouldn't have a first date.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/04/2017 17:40

wannabe

I was only addressing the OP and her issues, I was ignoring all the 'I'm alright Jack's. People who can't see a problem with his behaviour probably aren't going to change their minds/morals because of anything I say. I guess what's going through your mind doesn't always translate to a post. I certainly didn't mean to imply that his behaviour was acceptable or irrelevant, simply that if she's unhappy then she needs out. Irrespective of why.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/04/2017 17:43

goingtobeawesome when they were first together he was seeing his children. He stopped some time after they had children together.

expatinscotland · 24/04/2017 17:44

Wouldn't have started going out with him at all.

Trb17 · 24/04/2017 17:44

I'd lose any respect for a man who wasn't a good father to his children. All his children.

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