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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gatecrashing social event

107 replies

MuffinMaiden · 23/04/2017 18:26

I'm not crazy am I? I arrived at a social event, where I was looking forward to seeing my friends, and having my DS play with my friend's DD, and am informed by BIL that Nana is on the way to look after my DS. Without asking me or DP. When as far as I'm aware she has no intention on joining in the event.

I came home because my laid back afternoon with friends was no longer that.

I'm not U to think that if you want to see your DGS, you ask, not just gatecrash a fun afternoon!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 23/04/2017 23:36

Why are you assuming people haven't read the thread, Willow ?
I can assure you I read every post. After reading every post, my opinion is that the OP IBVU. Might be different from your opinion - that, after all is why people post here, to get views from others - but it doesn't mean people haven't read the thread because they hold a different opinion from you.

Willow2017 · 23/04/2017 23:54

Because a lot of people are telling OP that the event was at her BILs house - It wasnt.
That her MIL was entitled to be there just because she wanted to see her GS - she wasnt actually invited.
That OP should be grateful that MIL is interested, when OP hasnt had time outside the house without MIL being there too for months!

OP has a right to have a life of her own, with her son and her DP without MIL rocking up every time.

Rainbunny · 24/04/2017 00:04

OP I get you, it's perfectly reasonable to want to relax at a get together with your friends without your inlaws showing up. I know that would change the dynamic massively for me and I would no longer get to relax and be myself with my friends.

I feel your pain, my MIL visits every now and then and insists on trying to go everywhere with me! She has trailed me along to various hobby classes, sat outside my gym while I had a bootcamp class, tried to follow me into the doctor's surgery when I went for a scheduled gynecological check-up. She even complained when I wouldn't let her join me for an important business meeting (I'm a consultant and I work with clients at different companies). She's actually nice and fairly normal apart from her bizarre lack of boundaries when it comes to my appointments and social life.

If my friends are getting together when she is in town I don't bother going as she will follow me there and since she is very religious, conservative and thinks alcohol is the devil's poison she would kill everyone's fun. For that matter I'm sure she would think D&D is the devil's game as well (She's VERY anti-Harry Potter...)

Original poster

MuffinMaiden · 24/04/2017 01:26

Thanks to those who see where I'm coming from. I think it's just a communication problem I think, I need to have a gentle word to make sure next week will be better (or get DP to, unlikely...)

50bales You're right that the 6 months blurred boundaries, she's a very door's alway open, no initation needed kind of person, and I am very much the opposite. I think the lack of space in those months certainly strained things for me, but it's gotten better since - as soon as the first room in my house was habitable we moved, but how I wish it had been done before the birth!

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 24/04/2017 06:20

Mil didnt mind you gatecrashing her house though did she?

Mil didnt gatecrash at all. The organiser knew she was coming.

I cant work out how you dont get mil free time when you say you havent seen her for almost 2 weeks.

Maybe organise social events that dont include your dps family.

barefoofdoctor · 24/04/2017 06:28

Storming out? Oh dear how embarrassing. I'd be gutted if DD's GM wanted to snuggle her so I could -get some bloody sleep- play a game. YABVVU.

TaliDiNozzo · 24/04/2017 06:43

I understand OP, yanbu at all. I'm not sure why people are finding this so hard to understand!

Do you know how mil reacted when she got there to find you weren't there? You leaving may have been a bit 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' but if she has a history of gatecrashing social events then I don't blame you that much.

Maybe your DH needs to have a gentle word with her? Or you need to stop her finding out about things you're going to.

sandgrown · 24/04/2017 06:58

Am I the only person who thought D&D was darts and dominoes? I was thinking you might need someone to watch the children ! I guess if your MIL saw your DS every day for the first six months to go to every couple of weeks is quite a wrench.

Frazzledmum123 · 24/04/2017 07:04

I am really surprised by the replies to this, especially after the one recently where a SIL turned up at a party and everyone agreed she was out of order. Imagine if you'd arranged a play date for your child and your MIL turned up? I don't see how this is much different just because she is friends with her BIL too? Also think of it from the friends POV, she arranges an afternoon with a friend to do a joint hobby and gets there and there is no one to entertain her child because the friend who was there for her child to play with is now sat on grandmas lap!
Also, yes it's great her MIL wants to spend time with her child but would you honestly not be annoyed if your MIL kept effectively inviting herself to your social events? You can be grateful and care about your MIL without wanting her there all the time! Very good of her to have them at her house for a bit but does this mean that she now gets to go everywhere with her?

I really am surprised OP is getting flamed for this!

swinkle · 24/04/2017 07:11

I think YANBU too, this would annoy the hell out of me and my MIL is also lovely. And I have no problem with "mummy friend" either, really don't see the need for people to be shitty about that.

YouTheCat · 24/04/2017 07:14

I lived with my mil for 15 years and I still don't see how that would give her the right to turn up at a social gathering that she wasn't invited to.

CPtart · 24/04/2017 07:24

SIL lives next door to PIL and we seem completely unable to visit SIL and BIL as a young couple with our DC without PIL wanting to be involved every time. Without fail. It puts a completely different dynamic on things. When BIL family visit him they 'pop round' there too. Inappropriate and out of order. YADNBU.

Frazzledmum123 · 24/04/2017 07:24

To those who think she is unreasonable, think of it from reverse, MIL says;

My son has arranged an afternoon with his brother, DIL and some friends at his brother's workplace. My DGS and his friend will be there too and I haven't seen him for 2 weeks, WIBU to tag along to see him? They did live with me for a while so I miss him

???

YouTheCat · 24/04/2017 07:30

Frazzled, if it was put like that then I would still say the mil was being unreasonable.

The dil is perfectly entitled to the occasional social event without her mil.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2017 07:39

She was invited, her son, ghe organiser, clearly discussed it with her and knew she was coming. He did not tell her not to, there was no gate crashing. The issue was she assumed the op would need baby sitting services and didn't ask. Which she she should have done. However for me the answer to this is not storming off and both the op and her child missing out, that's just silly and achieves nothing. A quiet word was what was required.

Rainbunny · 24/04/2017 08:03

Youthecat - I second that! As I mentioned upthread, my MIL basically assumes that she can attend any class/appointment etc... that I may have when she is in town visiting. I have one particular hobby (more of a sport) that I'm not very proficient at (yet) but I'm passionate about it (I've actually been passionate about it all my life but until now I've not had the money to pursue this activity regularly).

To me this is a special time that I get to spend enjoying and focusing on this activity, away from work and everything. It's really something I do for myself, where I just get to be myself. For that hour or so I am just me, not a wife, mother, employee, manager, daughter, DIL, sister etc... So when my MIL insists on coming along with me it actually spoils it a little for me, and not because I resent my MIL, she's lovely but because I want privacy and a bit of time alone just to focus on my activity without her watching me throughout. She wouldn't understand this, she lives in her home town surrounded by family members who all live close by and everyone is in and out of each other's houses all the time. I was raised in a completely opposite environment.

Maybe it's hard to understand for some people but if the OP feels this way about playing D&D as I do about my activity, I 100% share the frustration.

Jaynebxl · 24/04/2017 08:10

Sorry if this had already been answered but how old is your ds and what time was the social thing?

LedaP · 24/04/2017 08:12

The dil is perfectly entitled to the occasional social event without her mil.

The op goes for weeks at a time wiyhout seeing her Mil. This event was planned by mils son. Op doesnt have a right to van someone from an event that isnt hers.

CPtart · 24/04/2017 08:46

Frazzled. Still rude and presumptuous to turn up. She can arrange her own time to see GS, not encroaching on others.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2017 09:00

The op goes for weeks at a time wiyhout seeing her Mil. This event was planned by mils son. Op doesnt have a right to van someone from an event that isnt hers

This, it was an event organised by her seventeen year old son and her other son, the ops husband was also going to be there, her first son the organiser accepted her attendance. Yes the whole "I shall baby sit "is presumptious but it's not a crime worthy of storming off In a huff and ruining your kids afternoon over. Plus she only sees her mother in law every few weeks. The fact the op has no social life is hardly the mother in laws fault, and to complain she saw the child every day for the first six months because they lived with the mother in law is well over the top. It seems the op just really dislikes her mother in law, hence the extreme reaction to her attending and to be discussing the night before with her husband how glad she was her mother in law wasn't attending.

Original poster

MuffinMaiden · 24/04/2017 10:40

To those say BIL invited and was happy about her attending, he wasn't. He also felt she was cramping his style and understood me leaving because of this. He said "yeah, she does this". He didn't feel he could tell her not to.

I lived with her for six months because my house was uninhabitable. She took in an unrelated young mum for around six months the previous year, does she have the right to see that child all the time too and turn up to that mum's hobbies, just because she misses them? If she wanted to see her DGS, she just needed to ask!

OP posts:

LedaP · 24/04/2017 10:42

Then her son should have told her.

LedaP · 24/04/2017 10:44

And that child isnt her family either

HmmOkay · 24/04/2017 11:06

Yeah, Muffin, I couldn't imagine a 17 year old boy putting together a Dungeons and Dragons event and thinking "You know what? I'll make a point of inviting my mother (who doesn't even play)".

HarryPottersMagicWand · 24/04/2017 11:24

What? I thought BIL invited her? Did he not? She just heard about it and decided to come?

YANBU. I don't know why posters can't grasp that this is clearly an on going issue. You have stated you wanted 1 social event without her turning up so it's obvious why this latest one would be annoying. It would get on my nerves too. Just because you lived with her for 6 months, doesn't give her the right to trail around after you forever.

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