AIBU to refuse to fight illness?

[GoodyGoodyGumdrops]

In my case: depression, various problems affecting my joints, and sugar addiction (maybe not a formal illness, but in terms of the effect it has on my body, my behaviour and my family life, I classify it as such).

I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable with the concept that I am 'fighting' to win the 'battle against', my illnesses. That I must 'beat' the illnesses.

More and more I think that what it's really about is coming to terms with the illnesses. Embracing them as part of me, in the way that I embrace my good skin and shiny hair.

Ultimately, these conditions are not like, say, an infection that can be cured by a course of antibiotics. They will be with me the rest of my life, whether flared up or quiescent, limiting me or not affecting me.

So why 'fight'?

Is acceptance equivalent to submission?

I don't like the 'fighting' of an illness. People say oh she's fighting cancer. What if they die? Does that mean they didn't 'fight' hard enough?

I wouldnt flame a cancer sufferer, but i think to compare cancer to depression is insulting to cancer sufferers to be honest.
Why is it insulting? You think my dd wasn't in pain when she tried to kill herself? How fucked do you think she must have felt to want to do that at 20? Why does that put her needs lower than a cancer sufferer?
Perhaps my PTSD is me not pulling myself together? How dare you minimise what others have been through and what some go through on a daily basis. Depression is a killer.

Wow, can't believe some of the awful ignorant posts on here....(user in particular, though I suspect this poster has rather a lot of unresolved issues of their own looking at their later posts about 'excuses' made by 'crap mothers')....

I also hate the rhetoric about 'fighting' illness...it's an easy catchphrase that makes it easier for others to blame people when they don't get better....sadly there are people who just don't know how to cope with people who are chronically ill...perhaps it's fear, fear that they could one day be struck down by some debilitating chronic yet invisible illness that there is no straightforward cure for...so it makes it feel safer to believe it is some moral failure on the part of the sick and that way they can convince themselves it will never happen to them and also get a superiority fix at the same time....all very Victorian....

I am glad there are others who have countered the frankly nasty comments on this thread...

for you OP

Jim, Dawn and Wombling to you.....

I was diagnosed with depression in January after years of struggling and being told there was nothing wrong with me. There is still so much ignorance surrounding MH. I was told by a friend that an acquaintance said I can't have depression as I have nothing to be depressed about. WTF! How can people still have views like this in 2017!
I've had a really low week this week. I've got up, gone to work, smiled etc but I can feel a sadness inside, it's just there lurking away. Luckily I've got a review with my amazing private GP in a few weeks

I agree with the poster above who doesn't like the "fighting" analogy. So they were too weak to fight the cancer? Of course bloody not.
I have depression and anxiety. I accept that. It is part of me. I do "fight" it in that I try and do the things I need to do to keep me as well as possible. I don't think fight is the word though. I try and manage it I suppose. I won't just go under and succumb to the deepest darkest depths of my depression. I will get help. I can't live my whole life as a battle!
And not a serious illness. It cost me my career and could have cost me my whole family if I hadn't got help and had the support of my DH.

OP, I know exactly what you mean about not liking the terminology of 'fighting' illnesses.

However, without meaning to sound lecture-y I do think that addiction CAN be beaten - whether it's to drugs, sugar, alcohol, gambling, whatever. I found 'I quit sugar' by Sarah Wilson super helpful and I found that cutting down on sugar helped hugely with my mental health (I was suffering badly from anxiety). Sugar's horrible stuff.

OP I hope sone of these responses aren't making you rip hair out
It's not worth listening to the stupid.
Btw I said it on another thread but if you find the "fight" talk damaging you might like to read "smile or die" by Barbara Ehrenreich

The things you mention are probably linked, depression - turning to sugar, makes you more depressed etc like a vicious cycle, it can also make pain worse too. So you can choose to stay trapped in that cycle or to try and do something about it.

Oh thanks Lovely...have you considered writing to the Department of Health with your 'cure'? All that money they are wasting on programs involving counselling and CBT and social care and medication and all the while all these people just need is to 'do something about it'......can you clarify what 'it' is exactly? Stop eating sugar? Christ, has someone informed the OP of this revelatory idea?

My DH suffers from depression and episodes of psychosis, he has had many suicide attempts. When comparing his condition to cancer I would say:

One of these conditions requires you to take medication which poisons your body and which cause serious side effects which affect your ability to function day to day. Without these medications you are unable to lead a near normal life and have a high chance of dying suddenly. Taking the medications does not always prevent a relapse. This condition has a significant impact on life expectancy, ability to work and career progression. At times the sufferer will need help to eat, wash and dress because of the way the condition affects them. The stigma arround this condition means that it's kept hidden even from close family members because of the shame the sufferer feels. It is a condition that means that many people fear being arround you if they do find out. It is a condition that the majority of sufferers will never get the "all clear" from.

The other condition is cancer.

I'm with you OP. I've been having therapy for depression/anxiety/various anxiety-relieving behaviours, and one of the best things has been dumping the toxic shame I've always experienced around these things. Honestly, just having a tendency to depression and anxiety - without feeling this constant shame and pressure to improve, this downward spiral of blame and self hatred - is a piece of piss, compared.

Yay! Lovely has found the cure!

You can stay in an abusive marriage and get hurt, or you can choose to walk away...

Go on Lovely explain the differences.

Spot on NolongerAnxious

Thanks Muffin 😊

YANBU at all. OP I think your post is really insightful and eloquent. And also whatever a pp said abotu comparing it to diabetes- ie something you have to manage rather than cure.

There is a lot of really victim blaming-y talk about mental health in this world and on this thread too (mumsnet can be really horrid sometimes). It sounds like you are really doing the best for yourself by thinking in this way. Good luck.

I think there's an option beyond fighting or embracing.

I don't agree that illness is a part of a person. I think people who identify as depressed/anxious/in pain etc. worsen their conditions in the long run.

I have known people with mental health conditions who suddenly make everything about their illness, have started blogs about it, even wear little badges that refer to it. The problem is that it becomes the focus point of their world. There is no room for anything else.

I don't embrace my medical condition as part of me, any more than I'd embrace a tumour. It's an unwanted abberation in my body, that I manage like any chronic illness, but it's not me.

i have HFA, accompanied by chronic anxiety and chronic depression - a type called Dysthymia. i was born with this neurotype, this blend of neurochemistry. No amount of antidepressants or counselling is going to 'fix' that.

The only thing that would 'fix' it is if i lived in my ideal world (no wars, hunger,poverty,exploitation,crime...)
i view and experience life differently from the 'neurotypical'.
i hate having to use labels because even that generalises and lumps people into boxes.

i was 30 when i discovered (through my own research) what type of depression i was trying to 'fight'.
something shifted inside me when i read through it - and spoke to others in the dysthymic community. it was like something was lifted off me.
Didn't change anything but it did feel like i'd lost pounds in weight

It was only when i presented my research to my gp that he understood me - he'd never come across it before in real life.

Knowledge and understanding was the key that helped me see there was no point 'fighting' myself.

so i use antidepressants to help me 'manage' my mood so i can do 'normal' things like going out, working and trying to live a fuller life.
counselling is ok, it definitely helps having someone neutral to 'bounce' things off and be able to vent without suffering negative repercussions

the day i stop needing either of those will be the day i take my last breath....and i've come close quite a few times.

Actually i imagine sugar addiction is a thing. I am on a diet and i crave sugar like crazy. i have and still do suffer from depression and anxiety. Right now i am doing ok and have managed to get a job. i exercise and am now eating healthily. All of those things help with my illness.

BUT. it took me the best part of ten years before i could even try - antidepressants are great but they are not a magic pill to make everything ok and they are notorious for weight gain so a bit of a catch 22 for the OP.

If i had a penny for the times i was told to pull myself together. ...well. And for the times i told myself to pull myself together. ...

Acceptance that i have an ILLNESS that cansometimes manifest itself for no reason was one of the biggest things that helped me. If i feel shit i wallow in it for a bit and stop beating myself upabout not being happy. Im happy sometimes - i am lucky.

Op all of those things you describe sound difficultand fighting is exhausting.

Yes losing weight will help and sugar really is bad. Could you speak to your gp and ask for a referral to a nutritionist to give you ideas on how to stave off sugar craving. My mood plummits snd i get anxiety attacks if im sugar craving...i could probably use some advice on what to do when i get this but sometimes you have to listen to your body snd eat the fucking chocolate. For me the key is iften eat ONE piece and distract distract. but at my lowest id eat the one piece hat mysrlf and eat the whole thing and so itgoes on...

There is a lot of ignorance around mental health issues and it is so very complex. What helps one oerson wont help another.

One day at a time OP.

Personally I use the term 'fighting' to refer to my mental health difficulties - although not in the sense of having to 'beat' it, or being 'weak' or not 'strong enough' if I am struggling (and similarly, I also dislike the term 'lost the battle' etc when somebody dies from cancer. My mum died when I was 22 and I guarantee that she fought so bloody hard, every single day, right until the moment she died. She didn't 'lose' anything). But I do see myself as fighting my illnesses - I actively have to fight back and challenge the thoughts in my head (although this is often ED thoughts, rather than the terminology I think of with depression).

I can very much relate to accepting that you need to 'come to terms' with it as a part of yourself. I tend to word it differently, but the way I describe it is that for me, having struggled with severe mental health problems for 15 years now, since just before I turned 13, recovery does not mean I have 'beaten' the illness. Recovery and 'fighting' the illness doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there, that I don't have to live with my illness every single day. For me, fighting my illness and recovery means learning to accept that I probably will have these thoughts for a very long time, possibly forever. But that thoughts are just thoughts. They are horrible and distressing to live with, but I don't have to act on them. When I am in a very bad place with my illness, that is harder to accept; I'm not saying it's as easy as 'Well you don't have to do it, it's your choice, so it serves you right!' etc. And at times things become so bad that I need somebody else to take control away from me until I am able to help myself.

But coming to terms with the illness means learning the skills or coping mechanisms that help you manage and live alongside (or despite) those illnesses, whether that's by taking time to rest and have some alone time when you need to or whether it's by challenging yourself to go out/socialise/act against thoughts/reduce ways of acting on urges/etc/etc etc. So it is absolutely not unreasonable to accept that you have these illnesses and that they do affect your life, but that you can find things that help you to cope with that.

Have you ever read about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy?

There's a difference between 'fighting' a short term illness or injury and coping with a chronic condition.

Accepting the illness is there and incorporating lifestyle changes to adapt to it and medicate for it is what happens with both.

However, a course of antibiotics is over in a couple of weeks and, hopefully that's it. You can drink again.

Accepting there are long term conditions means, ensuring there is a constant supply of medication, time out to see medical professionals, an understanding boss, developing coping strategies and permanent lifestyle changes.

'Fighting' this, 'never letting it change you' and all those other platitudes gets you nowhere bit stressed.

Sorry totally unreasonable to not do whatever is possible to improve your health and wellbeing
Wow, really? So that makes anyone who is overweight, underweight, or who drinks or smokes 'totally unreasonable', because they aren't constantly doing everything possible for their wellbeing...
A bit of compassion and understanding is needed by a lot of posters on here. Mental health issues are not trivial or easy to overcome...there seem to be a lot of people who have huge gaps in their knowledge, and a similar lack of empathy posting today :-(

Just thinking OP, that some antidepressants cause you to crave carbs as a side effect too. I've put on a huge ammount of weight since I've been on Mirtazapine. I've always had a sweet tooth, but now wake in the night with cravings. I've accepted that the weight gain/cravings are part of the package rather than beating myself up over it, which would have just made me feel worse.

I don't agree that illness is a part of a person. I think people who identify as depressed/anxious/in pain etc. worsen their conditions in the long run
Nicely judgemental of you, and seriously lacking in knowledge.
I have an ASC. I was born with it. That in turn causes anxiety and depression. I also have PTSD. I am not making myself worse by identifying as Aspie, nor by identifying as a PTSD sufferer and your post is bloody rude.
I have known people with mental health conditions who suddenly make everything about their illness, have started blogs about it, even wear little badges that refer to it. The problem is that it becomes the focus point of their world. There is no room for anything else.
That is your experience with perhaps one or two people. Have you thought about their experience? What they're going through to make them feel the way they do? Or is it the fact that they're trying to blog their way out of something, write about it in an effort to comprehend and communicate, help others be aware that they're not alone; somehow impinging on your world?

Oh, and personally, were it available, I'd wear a bloody big badge!