AIBU to refuse to fight illness?

[GoodyGoodyGumdrops]

In my case: depression, various problems affecting my joints, and sugar addiction (maybe not a formal illness, but in terms of the effect it has on my body, my behaviour and my family life, I classify it as such).

I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable with the concept that I am 'fighting' to win the 'battle against', my illnesses. That I must 'beat' the illnesses.

More and more I think that what it's really about is coming to terms with the illnesses. Embracing them as part of me, in the way that I embrace my good skin and shiny hair.

Ultimately, these conditions are not like, say, an infection that can be cured by a course of antibiotics. They will be with me the rest of my life, whether flared up or quiescent, limiting me or not affecting me.

So why 'fight'?

Is acceptance equivalent to submission?

[pontefractals]

Having had both severe depression and aggressive (stage 3) breast cancer, I really take exception to people describing depression as "less serious". I worry more about a recurrence of my depression than about a recurrence of my cancer. Speaking personally, and other people may well feel differently, cancer attacked my body but depression attacked my self (and led to self-neglect that made me physically ill, too).

[mylaptopismylapdog]

I suffer from depression from time to time and have come to a point when I do accept that I sometimes have very uncomfortable emotions. A mindfulness course might help you with the acceptance, personally I think that not fighting is not the same as giving in, not focussing on the depression could help you to spot more positive feelings. Fighting anything is tiring and if you are depressed you are already tired. You don't say what your joint problems or what treatment you have but it might be worth seeking more help with them. Posting on here is a very positive thing for you to have done.xx

[MsHooliesCardigan]

I'm a mental health nurse who has also been sectioned for psychotic depression. Before I was admitted, I came within inches of killing myself and my 2 children. Depression isn't about just feeling a bit down - probably everyone has 'been depressed' at some point in their lives and it's therefore very easy for so many people to say 'I was depressed and I got over it' but being low in mood for a few weeks/months is not the same as being clinically depressed. Severe clinical depression sucks the life out of you - you can't eat, you can't sleep, you have no energy, you get no enjoyment from anything, you feel constantly guilty, you have absolutely no hope for the future, you feel incapable of making even the simplest decision. I believed that I was personally responsible for the Iraq war and that every death was my fault. I have nursed a patient with severe depression who went from 10 stones to 6 stones, who picked half the skin off her face and ended up on a medical ward being tube fed and turned every hour because of pressure sores. She was 26. Depression is not a 'minor' illness. It kills millions of people every year. It nearly killed me.

[UnderTheDesk]

I'm glad you came back and I'm glad you're ok, Goody.

From the other side...my husband is bipolar* and it's taken me quite a few years to realise that I can't cure him, I can only help him to manage his illness. I found that once I stopped fighting against it, and trying to fix him etc etc, we all lived much better. I know how to workaround his illness now, and he knows what he has to do to manage it, so all is calm chez nous. I hope you have people around you that can help you too.xx


*apologies if this is not the correct terminology, I'm not in the U.K.

[Groovee]

I have fibromyalgia. Things have been hard lately and it looks like I've developed something in my foot. I refuse to let it stop me doing things. I've learned to say no to things. I've learned to pace myself to allow me to continue life at a pace which suits me. It's taken a long time but I am in a place I am happy.

I used to "fight" so to speak but it's more about learning to live in a way that suits you.

[muffinbluffer]

Goody I would like to say that I'm glad you came back and am glad you are ok.....also, I did not think your OP was melodramatic in the least and actually (for better or worse!) opened up a very interesting discussion.....Also, I think it has been made clear by this thread that everyone comes to a thread carrying their own history and their own perspective and set of beliefs some of which will chime and some of which will be upsetting or even seem cruel....I know I find this difficult to reconcile...

you said 'Knowing is not gloominess, melodrama or giving in. It's recognising the truth'...absolutely. Ultimately, and as I have got older, I have got less certain of anything and really tend to think most people are doing their best with what they've been given in life and sometimes all we can do is accept the truth as it is right now...

I can empathise with you being from a background of results-driven problem solving...perhaps, ironically, the solution to your 'problem' is that it has no solution (oh my head just exploded a little!).....

I wish you the best and am glad you are in a good place at the moment and hope that when things get tough again you can remember there are people who do care and understand

[Dawndonnaagain]

So glad you came back Goody. You take your illness and manage it any way you see fit.

[GoodyGoodyGumdrops]

I had to step away from the thread. Yes, some of the responses were upsetting. It was easier to step back and think, rather than reply straight off. I wish I could answer individual posters, but there are just too many! Thank you for your perspectives.

I am surprised that so many people feel like me! But then mental illness is isolating, and you don't realise that there are options (thank goodness for MN!).

I'm also surprised at the number of posters who think I'm posting from 'a bad place', or am giving up on myself, or am making melodrama. I've read and reread my OP, and i can't see that at all. If anything, i am in a 'good place' right now! I'm LCHF - so feeling the benefits of avoiding sugar. I'm on effective ADs, using the CBT and Mindfulness techniques I have learned over years of therapy. I'm having physio and other treatment.

However, I know that this 'good place' won't last. I know that I will have to deal with the demons again. By addressing my mindset I'm preparing for that inevitable future.

Knowing is not gloominess, melodrama or giving in. It's recognising the recurring truth.

I'm from a background of results-driven problem-solving.

It is not possible to solve my problem. I have to live with it. Someone said that fighting is exhausting. True! The rhetoric is damaging. True!

[muffinbluffer]

Depression just saw your latest post - I didn't think you were condoning the earlier posts...I felt you were trying to unravel what is a very complex issue, one that is different for everyone and cannot be reduced to trite 'catchphrases'. I think, as the above poster has said, this thread has raised some interesting issues...

I have fibromyalgia and simply don't mention it to most people...Illness is isolating but the reactions to it can be even more so....

[Depressionisanillness]

I hope my post did not suggest that i thought those early posts were ok. I hope i never lacked empathy to that extent.

The "intangible" nature of mental illness is so very difficult.

It's torturous to think if i could just pull myself together etc i could beat this - but repeatedly fail.

That others cannot relate or see evidence of the suffering makes me doubt myself more. (I really feel for those with fibromyalgia. It must be awful to live with an illness even less well understood.)

OP, i hope you are ok. Lots of people are supportive of how you feel.

[TiredCluelessMummy]

I really hope OP comes back or is at least still reading. There are some worthwhile and interesting comments. Unfortunately for someone in the grips of depression, I fear the ignorance and nastiness from a small minority will tend to leap off the screen at them. That ChippedNailVarnish poster was being an arse on another thread this week as well. Some people will just take any opportunity to knock someone down.

[muffinbluffer]

Me too... we are thinking of you OP...I know if I had posted and received those responses I would have been very upset...but there are people who understand and care

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Also hoping OP is OK, and hoping the ignorant comments haven't put her off coming back.

[DeleteOrDecay]

I hate when the OP posts something intended to engage and then never comes back.

She was probably scared off by the first two ignorant replies. I know I would have been disheartened by them to say the least.

Op if you are still reading this I and many others understand where you're coming from and I hope you're okay

[corythatwas]

not rtf but it seems to me that the problem with the discourse we use to talk about illness is that it stems from the kind of illness that has a defined curve, like pneumonia or scarlet fever: you get ill, you are very ill, then you either recover or die. Doesn't work at all for describing a chronic illness. But sets us all up to be impatient with sufferers because they don't seem to follow the pattern language has led us to expect.

I think there is a lot to be said for the old-fashioned view that life is a valley of tears and what matters is how you behave, not how you feel.

[muffinbluffer]

Tinsel yes, I do think a lot of this 'cult of positivity' is actually beneficial to those having to 'deal' with those people with illnesses rather than being beneficial to those with the illnesses themselves...

[muffinbluffer]

If my kid was going through that and not expressing negative feelings I'ld be worried about them

Yes, absoulutely...in fact the evidence shows that not expressing negative emotions can lead to further ill health...supressing is never good...emotions comes from 'movement' - they are essential to moving forward in life...there should be no judgement on any emotions good or bad....

[TinselTwins]

I think we've got so much of a collective fetish going on about positivity that we've forgotten that all other emotions are equally healthy and normal and even in many cases more appropriate to the situation in hand than positivity

"strong" and "positive" is the new "Brave"
People over the years have learnt that its super annoying to call people "brave" for having a horrible illness that they'ld never in a million years volunteer for, but unfortunately they've just replaced it with equally annoying statements which IMO say "PHEW! I'm so glad you're not making me see YOUR upset about your illness, because that would be a drag! please keep pretending to be a-ok with it all whenever I see you! ta! "

[TinselTwins]

You see so much of this on fundraising pages for sick kids:
"never complains"
"always smiling"
"thumbs up!"

If my kid was going through that and not expressing negative feelings I'ld be worried about them (more so than just because of the health problems), but it's "sold" as a sign of strength when really not showing emotions is the opposite

[Gingernaut]

RintelsPoint - I've noticed with mental illness (and probably others) that people just tend to assume you're not already doing all you can. Whatever level you're at, people always assume that's easy for you and you should try to do more. They don't realise what you're currently doing already involves pushing yourself to the max.

^^^ This! In spades!

The suggestions!

Have you tried...

exercise, tablets, coming off tablets, mindfullness, CBT, group therapy, 1-1 counselling, yoga, sunshine, supplements to combat the latest deficiency in the news and "my friend says...."

And then announces the bollocks the friend has said.

I've been having suicidal thoughts since primary school.

Yes. I've had forty odd years to try it all.

This is as good as it gets.

[RintelsPoint]

I've noticed with mental illness (and probably others) that people just tend to assume you're not already doing all you can. Whatever level you're at, people always assume that's easy for you and you should try to do more. They don't realise what you're currently doing already involves pushing yourself to the max.

I don't want advice from people - especially when it's trite simplistic crap that shows they do not understand, or believe you - I want acceptance.

It's particularly frustrating with mental ill health because if people are quietly supportive it can be actively helpful, actually help you "get better" (to some degree), in a way that isn't quite the same for physical health. And yet, people still choose to judge/lecture/look down on you, which componds the original MH issue.

[muffinbluffer]

Depression oh I get this!! My mother too suffered from depression and other things...I remember a psychiatrist I once had who would just say 'oh, well, your mother was ill' and I used to think 'hang on, that doesn't give her carte blanche to be abusive'....I struggle constantly with the feelings of 'well, perhaps I can't complain about my mother because I myself have depression, dissociation etc'....however, I do think that these psychiatric terms (in fact there is a trauma therapist who once said that all these diagnoses were made up for convenience and now we actually thing they actually exist as 'illnesses' when they are most likely 'responses') doesn't automatically lump everyone into the same category...everyone is different ...you are right..MH problems doesn't mean that that person acts in a cruel way..I appreciate your compassion towards user when I reacted...I think that says a lot about you....

[WomblingThree]

Devorak either read the whole thread or go away. That's really not helpful.

Depressionisanillness I absolutely feel for anyone who has had their childhood screwed up by a parent suffering from depression. I can empathise that they might find it difficult to believe depression is a real thing when their parent's abusive behaviour is excused by depression. I'm glad you have come to realise that your mother was just an unpleasant person anyway, regardless of her MH issues.

Having poor mental health does not make you a saint, but it doesn't allow you to be a demon either. Unfortunately, I think some forms of mental illness can amplify unpleasant traits that were there anyway.

[WomblingThree]

nursy1 yes, that's it exactly

tinseltwins

king I agree with you in principle, but like muffin said, the OP probably read the first few posts and then went to cry in a corner. Well done to all the shitty posters!

[Devorak]

Sugar addiction?