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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To demand that dp pays me back?

92 replies

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 10:34

Bit of a long one but I'll try and explain properly so as not to drip feed.
So I work full time, and pay all the bills myself. Dp is the 'stay at home' parent in theory, but his work requires a lot of favours and back scratching in order to generate work and get noticed. He hasn't been paid anything significant in well over a year. It took a long time for me to accept that he would never be happy in a 'proper job so I kind of accepted that he needed to do this, and in return he would look after the kids so I could bump my hours up. However since the beginning of this year his work has just exploded. There's talks of publishers and tours and festivals, all very exciting. It means that he has to do a lot of networking. In the past 4 months he's barely been home, apart from the necessary childcare. Still no word about any sort of payment but it's all looking promising. However, he's also been swept away with his new found popularity. 7pm meetings keep turning into parties until 3am. Last night we had an unexpected child free night. He said he'd been invited out after, I said we really don't have a lot of money and it would be nice if he came home. He made his excuses, didn't come home until 3am and had spent £30. Now I know this isn't a lot of money in the grand scheme of things but payday is next week and we're crawling towards it. It's also the third time in as many weeks. I was meant to be the one going out for a few drinks with friends for the first time in months, but I knew it would be unwise for both of us to go out from a money point of view. So, I stayed in. On my own. Again. I will probably get flayed for this as I know a lot of mnetters are of the opinion that working money is family money but I feel that I already support him, and I shouldn't be supporting non necassary social time as well, when we just don't have the money for him to do it. And I know that he's just getting swept away in the excitement but it's getting silly now. If it were actual work I could understand. Going to clubs this often is definitely not necessary. I've told him I want him to pay me back. I don't think he will (how would He?) But it's the principle.

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 22/04/2017 10:38

What the hell is 'non-necessary social time' when it's at home?

Are you saying he can't have a social life because you earn the money?

I'm not saying he should be spending family money on going out if you don't have it, BTW. But your argument is fundamentally unfair.

user1482079332 · 22/04/2017 10:42

So you work he goes out and doesn't bring any money in yet spends it on himself? I Can see why your pissed rather than ask for him to pay it back could get a part time job that actually pays to contribute? I couldn't respect a man always on the take

quilliambrothers · 22/04/2017 10:43

I don't think he should be paying 'you' back because I think it's shared money he's spent, not yours. It's disrespectful but not any more so than if you'd done it against his expressed wishes for the same reason.

I'm a SAHP an occasionally make bits if self employed cash, and DH works full time. If either of us expressed to the other that we didn't agree with an unplanned 'fun' spend, then it wouldn't happen.

We have a system where we each have weekly cash (an equal amount) we can spend as we choose. I have a small additional amount to cover activities for DC. Beyond that we'd discuss and agree any fun spending. Perhaps a similar system would work for you?

Trifleorbust · 22/04/2017 10:43

user1482079332:

Did you miss the part where he is a SAHP?

SpringTown46 · 22/04/2017 10:44

Look at his actions. Not his words. Not speculative talk about 'prospects'. What do you see?

Original poster

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 10:44

Ive probably worded it badly. I mean, he already works with friends. He sees them on a non work basis often. So I don't understand why he has to be out with them constantly, go clubbing, then go back out with them the next day. Yes he's allowed a social life of course but it's coming at a cost with mine seeing as im stuck in nearly every evening with the children asleep in their beds, and using up the last of the money.

OP posts:

GoodDayToYou · 22/04/2017 10:45

I think it's a matter of degree and only you will know if he's taking it too far or not. I would try to support him for a while. There's more to life than money and sometimes people need time to do things for themselves. I think it helps to play the 'long game'.

I supported my partner through redundancy and a long period of unemployment before he found his feet again - he still appreciates it years on.

chipsandpeas · 22/04/2017 10:47

Trifleorbust · 22/04/2017 10:47

His social life shouldn't be at the expense of yours. But your attitude to him spending but not earning is a different matter. He has as much right to spend the money as you do.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 22/04/2017 10:47

Is he working or is he a sahp?

Original poster

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 10:48

And I say it's my money because, well, it is. We say he's the sahd but actually, I would argue that I spend more time with the children. I work 4 days (3x12, 1x6 hours). One of the long days they go to my mum's (her only day to see them) one of them they go to their other nans (not regularly but often) and the last long day and the short day they're at school/nursery. So I'm at work half the week. The other 3 and a half days I look after them mostly by myself. I've wanted him to get a part time job forever but he always insists he doesn't have time... but has time to do all this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 10:51

And it's been 9 years. In that time he's worked for about 2 and a half of them. Always begrudgingly. I knew I would get flayed for this but it just wasn't a family decision. I've had to come to terms with it rather than be a part of the discussion. Money isn't the be all and end all but I hate feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 22/04/2017 10:52

And I say it's my money because, well, it is.

He is your husband. Your money is his money. Some people would call your view financially abusive, if you actually deny him access to the family income.

Trifleorbust · 22/04/2017 10:53

Having said that, he does sound like a bit of a layabout, so YANBU from that perspective.

HamletsSister · 22/04/2017 10:54

Agree a budget for "personal spending" including nights out. Agree how many nights per week / month you can each have.

Write it up somewhere and stick to it.

Berthatydfil · 22/04/2017 10:54

What would happen if you both have a "me" budget in time and money and when it's used up that week/ month that's it,.
So you both get child free time and the time and money to socialise with friends.
I can see how you would get frustrated if he's able to spend time and money with his friends "investing" in his future with no recognition of the impact it's having on you and no tangible outcome.
If he's out till 3am several nights a week I can't see how he can be fairly pulling his weight in the home.
Realistically how long will it be before he can contribute to the family finances either through this activity or by getting a pt job?
I think it's unreasonable and unsustainable to carry on like it has - you've hardly seen him for 4 months l, he's out late nights and you're working f/t and funding what looks like a party lifestyle with some a no jam today - jam tomorrow promise.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 22/04/2017 10:55

He should be expected to return cash to the pot at his first opportunity.

Sounds like you are supporting a rebellious teenager op and I wouldn't be impressed either.

Start taking what he spends out of the pot too and make him jam sandwiches for tea. Explain that at present you are both spending beyond your means and both need to kerb it. .

GoodDayToYou · 22/04/2017 10:56

Just thinking about my post and looking back, I remember my dp and I rowing because he still wanted treats (wine, takeaway etc) on a Friday night and I felt it was too extravagant on our budget. He came round eventually but needed a lot of support overall and was very hard work throughout. I did a lot of his job searching and applications for him which worked well - he got a lovely job in the end. It's common for people to lose confidence when not working - maybe your dh is partying so he doesn't have to feel bad about his situation?

Original poster

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 10:57

I don't deny him anything! It all goes into a joint account so we both have access. However I do think it's okay to say 'we've got £60 to last us a week so please don't spend too much' then be annoyed that he's spent £30 of it and we still have groceries to buy aswell as having two young children.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 22/04/2017 10:59

I think I'd be asking myself what exactly I get from this relationship and if I could see it working moving forwards - then I'd leave because I couldn't live with somebody like this . He won't work because he basically wants to spend all his time on his hobby that may or may not eventually turn into a money paying job and to do that he needs to go out clubbing and presumably drinking on a regular basis why you pay all the bills and finance his lifestyle - wouldn't suit me at all . Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all just do whatever we wanted and let someone else pick up the tab .

YouTheCat · 22/04/2017 10:59

So he's not really much of a sahp then? I agree it is family money but if there's not enough then he shouldn't be out spending it with his mates.

He sounds like a massively, lazy arse.

Cuppaoftea · 22/04/2017 11:02

YANBU.

He's being very selfish and unrealistic about family money. You have been fully supportive of him pursuing his dream (is he a writer or musician?) even though it's made family finances difficult. You've also recognised it's important he networks and some money to socialise with colleagues/friends is necessary but he took the mick last night.

Went out yet again spending money you didn't have and which you'd accepted you couldn't spend even though you haven't been out in months. He didn't priorotise spending a rare child free night with you either.

He's not treating you well at all and it seems to be crunch time regarding his work and earnings. Really sounds like he needs to at least be doing a part time job with a regular wage alongside pursuing his creative work, he can then use some of those earnings for networking events, work materials etc and put some in the family pot too.

Trifleorbust · 22/04/2017 11:04

You are not unreasonable at all to expect him not to over-spend. You are unreasonable to call it 'your money'.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/04/2017 11:08

Sounds a bit like Jez from The Peep Show

Original poster

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 11:09

gwen that made me spit my drink out

OP posts:

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