Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To demand that dp pays me back?

92 replies

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 10:34

Bit of a long one but I'll try and explain properly so as not to drip feed.
So I work full time, and pay all the bills myself. Dp is the 'stay at home' parent in theory, but his work requires a lot of favours and back scratching in order to generate work and get noticed. He hasn't been paid anything significant in well over a year. It took a long time for me to accept that he would never be happy in a 'proper job so I kind of accepted that he needed to do this, and in return he would look after the kids so I could bump my hours up. However since the beginning of this year his work has just exploded. There's talks of publishers and tours and festivals, all very exciting. It means that he has to do a lot of networking. In the past 4 months he's barely been home, apart from the necessary childcare. Still no word about any sort of payment but it's all looking promising. However, he's also been swept away with his new found popularity. 7pm meetings keep turning into parties until 3am. Last night we had an unexpected child free night. He said he'd been invited out after, I said we really don't have a lot of money and it would be nice if he came home. He made his excuses, didn't come home until 3am and had spent £30. Now I know this isn't a lot of money in the grand scheme of things but payday is next week and we're crawling towards it. It's also the third time in as many weeks. I was meant to be the one going out for a few drinks with friends for the first time in months, but I knew it would be unwise for both of us to go out from a money point of view. So, I stayed in. On my own. Again. I will probably get flayed for this as I know a lot of mnetters are of the opinion that working money is family money but I feel that I already support him, and I shouldn't be supporting non necassary social time as well, when we just don't have the money for him to do it. And I know that he's just getting swept away in the excitement but it's getting silly now. If it were actual work I could understand. Going to clubs this often is definitely not necessary. I've told him I want him to pay me back. I don't think he will (how would He?) But it's the principle.

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/04/2017 11:10

Eh? So he doesn't look after the DC when you are at work? So he isn't a SAHP at all is he?

He is a cocklodger.

He also sounds very immature.

What difference would it make to you, financially, emotionally, practically, if he moved out?

whomovedmychocolate · 22/04/2017 11:10

People don't change unless they are forced to - if you indulge this behaviour you are not giving him a chance to change. Sit him down ask him to explain how this is reasonable.

I know a couple in this situation - she's working her arse off, constantly knackered and he breezes in and out like the queen of Sheba. It's a ticking time bomb because sooner or later she's going to pop and he will claim (rightly) that it's news to him (because he's an ignoramus mostly, but also because she's never given him the chance to know, clearly, that there is a problem).

Trifleorbust · 22/04/2017 11:11

How much childcare does he do?

Cuppaoftea · 22/04/2017 11:11

Having read your update he's not a SAHP at all. The children are cared for by Grandparents and attend school/nursery while you work and you do most of the childcare the other days.

It would be 'get a paid part time job and contribute more towards childcare or get out' from me.

GoodDayToYou · 22/04/2017 11:11

To answer your original question, my dp and I kind of have our own money (at the same time as it being largely joint in our minds, if that makes sense). So, if one of us loans the other money, we always pay it back. I think the point I'm making is that we have a kind of system between us which works for us. Ultimately, I think there are lots of workable solutions - it's about what works for you. It does sound like you need to have a good talk with him about finding a happier way of managing things. I would start looking for a job for him too.

whomovedmychocolate · 22/04/2017 11:11

BTW SAHP and 'layabout' are NOT the same thing.

YouTheCat · 22/04/2017 11:12

I can't get beyond the fact that he doesn't work because he doesn't like it. I don't like it either but it is necessary. I wonder how he'd put food on the table and afford his nights out if he was having to fund it himself?

PoorYorick · 22/04/2017 11:14

What exactly is this work that he's doing? There's talk of tours and publishers etc but has anything concrete actually come of it?

Stripyhoglets · 22/04/2017 11:16

I think the word usually used is cocklodger if hesnot actually taking on the role of a sahp but isn't earning either. And yes spending half the money for week on a nightout is shitty when you have children.

Stripyhoglets · 22/04/2017 11:18

Oh and I've seen you were supposed to be out with friends but couldn't afford too if he went out too - yes he is taking the piss!

snowgirl1 · 22/04/2017 11:21

Before you got together how did he survive financially?

user1482079332 · 22/04/2017 11:23

Yes I would gender has nothing to do with it don't impose your own biases on me

rollonthesummer · 22/04/2017 11:24

Would he actually say that he's a SAHP? When does he look after the children alone?

He sounds like a lazy selfish git-have you told him that's what he is? I wouldn't find this remotely attractive in a partner.

Original poster
Bigblug · 22/04/2017 11:24

I'm happy to do this. I'm happy to support him, because I love him and want him to be happy. In regards to not liking work, although he's undiagnosed we all suspect heavily that he's on the spectrum. His mum tried to get him diagnosed when he was little but there weren't the resources and his dad opposed it. So he's very one track minded and has suffered terribly from depression and anxiety when he's in work/situations he's not comfortable with. Very high functioning of course but in these 'networking' situations he does tend to have a drink to calm his anxieties. Of course it could be us trying to connect dots that aren't there to excuse his behaviour, but I'm no doctor. All I know is he lives and breathes it and doesn't feel life is worth living if he's not doing it. It's hard going but he is very good at what he does. I think if I didn't believe it could be a credible career I would be long gone.

OP posts:
JanetBrown2015 · 22/04/2017 11:24

Why doesn't ghe do the childcare whilst you work? Yet he is a stay at home partner? So he's like a rich lawyer's wife who stays at home but has a full time nanny - fine if you can afrord it of course.

It sounds like he has some silly arts career which supposedly will take off but never will. Why not get more involved in it? Eg if he might be charging for gigs or whatever then start charging. If he is doing collaborations with others get contracts in place for those. Do you know what these plans are that might take off or are they just an excuse for a regular piss up?

Seeingadistance · 22/04/2017 11:25

Oh, this is bringing back memories of my first husband. (I started describing what that was like but ended up in a long rant, so I've just deleted it)

OP - you are not being unreasonable. You are supporting and financing his lifestyle, not because you came to a considered and mutual agreement about this, but basically because that's the way he likes it! He contributes next to nothing, not only in financial terms, but in childcare, or even being present, and is actually spending your money (and yes, I think you are right to call it your money in relation to him spending it on his mythical career) while bringing nothing in.

I agree with pp who call him a cocklodger.

I'd get rid, personally.

Redlocks28 · 22/04/2017 11:25

However since the beginning of this year his work has just exploded.

How? Has he actually started being paid for it?

Original poster
Bigblug · 22/04/2017 11:26

snowgirl we've been together since our teens. I first moved into his mum's house before we were able to move into a shared house. I was working at a supermarket at the time so was just able to afford it. I've supported us consistently ever since.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/04/2017 11:26

Dear Lord it all sounds like "When I Paint My Masterpiece"

What is he doing all day?

Let me guess - sleeping off the booze?

He must have the proverbial Cock of Gold.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 22/04/2017 11:29

I'm confused by him being described as a SAHP because he doesn't like working & it sounds like the DGPs do much of the childcare?

When you've then described your work pattern does that mean you have the kids the other days on which case what does her do?

Original poster
Bigblug · 22/04/2017 11:29

redlocks he's getting noticed. Rave reviews, people are pushing to work with him rather than him begging for actors and sound and help. He's made a feature, and been funded to tour a play (which should start paying, but you have to pay to hire out theatre halls so at the moment proceeds are going into paying for that)

OP posts:
Janeinthemiddle · 22/04/2017 11:31

I don't think you should be asking him to pay you back but rather would need to sit down with him and work out expenses and budgeting.

Floralnomad · 22/04/2017 11:35

Then don't start the thread because obviously this is how your relationship works and also please don't use 'on the spectrum' and high functioning as an excuse for him being like he is - my ds is both of those things and manages a ft career as do many others . What your partner is is over endulged but you sound like you love it so good luck and I hope eventually his boat comes in and he chooses to let you share in it .

user1491572121 · 22/04/2017 11:37

How's he not getting paid if he's "exploded"?

YouTheCat · 22/04/2017 11:38

You seem to be clutching at excuses. I know a lot of people on the spectrum and all of them work with their difficulties and problems and manage to go out and work because they have to. My dd is an Aspie and even managed to work in a call centre despite her anxiety.

It sounds like you're believing all his excuses. When this big break doesn't work out, will you just let him carry on forever? Can you put up with this long term?